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A Thanksmatau Day Feast (Thanksgiving 2014 Special)


Lewa0111 Nuva

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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! (Unless you live outside of America. In which case, happy end-of-November, everyone! (Unless you live outside of Earth. In which case, happy generic day for no reason, everyone! (Unless you live outside of existence. In which case, happy nothing, because you don’t exist! (Whoa, parenthesis within parenthesis. (This is so weird! (Okay, I’m done now. Sorry for getting carried away…))))))

 

Hopefully you all had a day free of insane pie-obsessed Matoran. The same, unfortunately, cannot be said for our favorite Bionicle comedy characters! So now I present to you the second installment of the revived Lewa# Studios Holiday Series for your listening reading enjoyment.


Note: The previous Thanksgiving Day special, one of the few that survived the archives, can be found here if anyone is interested. A link to the previous comedies in this year's Holiday Series can be found at the end of the topic. Enjoy!


A Thanksmatau Day Feast

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Part 2 of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series 2014-2015


Turaga Nokama sighed for the 9,321st time that week as the unconscious costumed Toa Nuva were carted away by the Vahki. Matau was still laughing his mask off in the other room at his Madu-related prank, but Nokama was less than amused. “Matau,” she said, “what in Mata Nui’s brain possessed you to ruin yet another holiday? At your age, you really should have matured by now.”


“But I am mature! Just because I’m mature doesn’t mean I can’t act like a little kid and pull pranks and be childish! ...Or does it? What does “mature” mean again?”


“It’s times like these that I can’t tell if you’re senile or just dumb.”


“If you must know, it was Whenua’s idea. Besides, Turaga Dume’s holidays ruin themselves without fail every single time. It’s not like I could possibly have made anything worse,” Matau pointed out, completely ignoring Nokama’s insult as usual. To add to his point, a large explosion echoed from the general direction of the Coliseum as the big pumpkin the Matoran had been attempting to stick on the top of the building spontaneously combusted for no apparent reason, raining pumpkin chunks everywhere. “See?”


“PIE! I’ll make a Pumpkin Pie!!” shouted Tava, who had somehow awakened instantaneously due to the smell of potential pie ingredients. The Toa of Pie started running around hyperly, gathering all of the pumpkin pieces together to bake hundreds of pies, which he promptly ate.


“Just promise me you’ll be on your best behavior for the next holiday. What is the next holiday, anyway?”


“Let me see…” Matau pulled out the large stone tablet that Turaga Dume had chiseled the dates of all of his holidays for that year upon. “Hey, look at that! Next up is Thanksgiving! That’s one of my favorite holidays!”


With a :huh:, Nokama asked, “Why Thanksgiving? Last year as I recall, you got beaten up by Keetongu. I’d think you would hate that holiday.”


“Last year wasn’t too great, but I mostly like reminiscing about one of our earliest Thanksgivings. It was back when we were still Toa...back in the days of Ask Matau!...”


Matau promptly fell asleep. So did Nokama a few minutes later due to the boredom of Matau being asleep. Luckily, however, when Nokama fell asleep, she accidentally landed on the Random Flashback Generator Button (a gift from Nixie some time before). The generator immediately flashed back to the very same holiday that Matau had mentioned in a remarkable coincidence.




[FLASHBACK!]




Toa Matau logged off of his computer and sat back in his chair. “Another hilarious episode of Ask Matau! finished!” he said contentedly. “So, Nokama, did you want to go out--”


*SLAP!*


“--go outside because it’s hot in here,” finished Matau with a :wacko:.


“Oh, oops...sorry! Whenua, do you mind?” asked Nokama.


“No problem!” The Toa Metru of Earth lifted Matau up and threw him into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he came back out, wide awake, riding a wave of cheese with a very ecstatic Roporak surfing on said wave and shoveling cheese into his mouth. “There, he’s awake.”


“What was that for!?!?!?!?!?” demanded Matau as he spat cheese out of his mouth. Pohatu appeared but was shoved back by the cheese wave into the time-comedy warp vortex before he could say his line.


Whenua shrugged. “Like I said. You’re awake. Anyway, what should we do now?”


“We could start another episode--” Matau began, but was cut off when he noticed Vohtarak had already taken the computer. “Or not.”


“Why don’t you all go into the city and walk around for a while?” offered Keelerak. “We Visorak can watch the house.”


“HA! No way, that sounds boring. I’d rather do...not-that.”


“Well, I think it’s a great idea,” said Nokama. “Exploring Metru Nui is always fun.”


Immediately Matau got excited. “Of course, that’s a brilliant idea! Let’s explore Metru Nui! That would be super fun and I always wanted to do that!” he exclaimed. “Let’s go let’s go let’s go!!”


:rolleyes: “ Keelerak emoticonned. “Whatever, we’ll see you three later!”




* * *




The three Toa Metru (or as Matau would put it, the Three Awesome Metru) walked through Le-Metru in the general direction of the Coliseum. Luckily, the Coliseum was so big, even Matau couldn’t get lost if he was looking for it. The streets, however, were oddly devoid of Matoran. “Where is everyone, I wonder?” asked Nokama.


“I’m right here, duh,” said Everyone, a Po-Matoran with a weird name. “Are you wondering why I’m not at that feast, too? I figured there’s always next year.”


“Feast?” asked Matau and Whenua at the same time.


“No, but it sounds interesting,” Nokama said to Everyone. “This is the first I’ve heard of the feast. I guess we should check it out. Where is it?”


“At the Coliseum. Or Colosseum. However you spell it. Bye!” Everyone left as randomly as he had come.


“Food?” asked Matau and Whenua at the same time.


Nokama looked at them. “Wow, you must be hungry if that’s all you can say…” she observed, after realizing that they hadn’t eaten all day due to the kitchen-destroying cheese tsunami from earlier. “Let’s get to the Coliseum and check out this feast.”


“FOOD! YES THANK YOU NOKAMA YOU ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU!!” Matau then tried to kiss Nokama, but the Toa of Water ducked and sent him flying four paragraphs ahead with a well-placed *SLAP!*


:blink: “ emoticonned Whenua. “That was...violent.”


“Eh, I’m having a bad day. Let’s just go.” The Toa continued onward until they got close to the Coliseum. From there, they could smell something very delicious wafting out from inside the building. “Mmm, that smells great!”


“It’s all my fault there’s all this food! It’s all my fault it smells so good! It’s all my fault there’s so much pie!” said a voice from inside. “It’s all my fault that it’s annoying! It’s all my fault that it’s all my fault!”


Surprisingly, it wasn’t Vakama who came out to greet them, however. Instead, it was Onewa, who quickly slammed the doors shut to muffle Vakama’s constant complaints. “Nokama! Just the Toa I wanted to see. Finally decided to ditch Matau? Great, then you can sit with me for the feast! No hard feelings, Whenua, but she’s mine now--MMMMMMF!” The “MMMMMMF!” was because at that moment, Matau had flown in from four paragraphs ago and landed on top of the Toa of Stone.


Matau looked down at the flattened Onewa. “Oh, good, it wasn’t anyone not-annoying.” He stood up and brushed himself off. “Ouch…”


“Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I hit a little too hard,” apologized Nokaam. “Wait, don’t tell me the Kraata of Letter Control was invited, too!”


“Of course I was!” said the aforementioned kraata, slithering over the unconscious Oonywah.


“That’s right!” added Turaga Dume who had come outside to see what was going on. “Everyone who is anyone is here! But not anyone who is Everyone, unfortunately. I asked, but he didn’t seem interested.”


“Yeah, we met him already. Can we come?”


“Sure! You’re everyone who is anyone, but not Everyone! Of course you’re invited!”


“I’m confused…” muttered Matau as they walked inside.




* * *




Upon entering the Coliseum/Colosseum/whatever, the three Toa Metru were assaulted by all kinds of smells (mostly food), sights (Vakama annoying Nuju into unconsciousness, Tava running around like a maniac eating pies, Vahki looking forlonrly at the food they were unable to eat due to being robots, the Kraata of Letter Control making me spell “forlornly” wrong a few words ago), sounds (Tava’s omnipresent shout of “PIE!”, the grunts of random Rahi that had also been invited, the squish of pies being flung into Tava’s open mouth), and other things. A massive ringed table had been set up in the center of the building, but unfortunately, only the outer part of the ring was being used due to the table being so wide that no one could reach the inside without stepping in a lot of the food. “Well,” said Whenua, “let’s eat!”


He, Matau, and Nokama found three empty seats in a row, in between a Kraata of Emoticons and Random Matoran #35. ”I call middle!” shouted Matau, sitting in the middle chair.


“Ouch!” yelled Minifigure Kongu, who Matau had just accidentally sat on. “Watch where you put your butt!”


“Oops,” said Matau with a :baaa:, as he started sprouting wool, walking on four legs, and generally turning into a sheep.


Nokama just sighed. “Guess he’s sheepish again.”


“ *rimshot* “ rimshotted Random Matoran #35.


“Nah, it’s okay, I can move. I was getting annoyed about not being able to see the food, anyway,” said Minifigure Kongu as he hopped up onto the table and took a seat on a dinner roll. Or, rather, a Dinner Roll Pie, since every food on the table was actually made in pie form.


Whenua stared after the sheepish Matau. “Guess we have to wait for him to be done, then….”




* * *




Several minutes later, Matau had un-sheepified himself and sat down between Nokama and Whenua. “Sorry, I was sheepish,” he said, “what did I miss? Ooh! Food!” Matau immediately began grabbing slices of the many, many pies on the table.


“Not much, to be honest. Just randomness, as usual. Minifigure Kongu fell into a Gravy Pie, Tava had to be restrained with a straightjacket made of Antipie over in the corner, and somebody accidentally invited the Piraka for no reason, so they’ve been stealing everyone else’s pies. Other than that, it’s been pretty normal.”


“...” ellipsed Matau, the only reasonable response to such a description. “Huh. Oh well!” He immediately began digging in to all the food.


“Hey, use your own Toa tools!” complained Whenua, snatching his drills back from Matau who had been using them to dig with.


“But Air Katana aren’t as good at digging!”


Just then, Nokama noticed Turaga Dume attempting to get everyone’s attention up on his elevating platform thing. However, he appeared to be performing some sort of weird charades. “Guys, look!”


:afro: “ emoticonned Whenua, growing an afro on his head.


:wakeup: “ agreed Matau.


Nokama stared at the two Toa in puzzlement for several moments, and then noticed the nearby Kraata of Emoticon Control. “That does it,” she groaned, and summoned a massive waterspout beneath said kraata’s chair, sending the creature flying into the next year.


“Thank you,” said Whenua. “What’s Dume doing?”


Dume went into a flurry of hand motions that resembled the Chicken Dance before launching into something much like the Macarena, which looked especially weird without music. Then there was a sudden commotion from somewhere behind the Three Awesome Metru, and Nuparu jumped up from inside a maintenance hatch in the floor, his mask askew and covered in engine oil. “Sorry, Dume! I didn’t realize--hang on!” He then ducked back in and seemed to be rummaging around, tossing out various random objects including an old Olmak, a few protodermis canisters, a two-headed Tarakava, a Bohrok, and a paperclip.


As soon as the paperclip flew away, an earsplitting screech echoed through the area. “OWWWW!” screamed Matau. “WHAT THE KARZAHNI IS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”


A cheese-covered Pohatu appeared and said his usual line, but no one could hear him over the racquet. He jumped off the tennis racquet and repeated his line. “By the way, I love exclamation points and--”


“DON’T USE THAT JOKE!” shouted Matau, shoving him back through the time-comedy warp vortex. With a :(, Pohatu vanished.


“Sorry, sorry!” yelled Nuparu, making a few more adjustments to the whatever-it-was beneath the floor.


Finally, the screeching stopped, and Turaga Dume’s voice echoed through the building: “AHEM! Testing, 1, 2, 3...Is this thing on? Mega-Muaka-mauled-a-mob-of-mighty-Mukau. Oh good, it’s working!” Seeing everyone staring up at him with an expression resembling the “blink” emoticon on their faces, he quickly continued, “Sorry about that, we’ve been having issues with Nuparu’s new sound system all day. Anyway, welcome to the first ever Metru Nui Thanksgiving feast!”


“Hey, didn’t the first feast already happen? Or...happen in the future? Or whatever? I’m pretty sure Takanuva went nuts, everyone went on quests to find various food items, and lots of shenanigans involving pie happened,” shouted Random Matoran #35.


“Right, first, that originally happened, but it is no longer canon since the comedy got deleted in the BZP archive purge, so it doesn’t count. And second, no breaking the fourth wall.”


“HYPOCRITE!” shouted Random Matoran #35. A hippo inside a crate suddenly landed on his head. “ :glare: “ he emoticonned. “I said hypocrite, not hippo crate!” The hippo-in-crate disappeared as randomly as it had come.


Dume cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention again. “So, yes, anyhow. I’m pleased to announce this new holiday and I think it is important that we all celebrate things. So let’s eat!”


In a move that shocked everyone (but no one more than Nokama), Matau of all people raised his hand to interrupt, rather than just continuing to eat like crazy. “Hey Dume, you didn’t explain what this holiday is for, anyway!”


:blink: “ Dume emoticonned. “Matau!?


Nokama put one foot on the time-comedy warp vortex that was about to open before Pohatu could reuse his joke from earlier. “Yeah, I’m surprised too...who are you and what have you done with Matau Metru?”


“Calm down, everyone, can’t I ask a question once in a while? Artakha, people, come on!”


Artakha, who had been ignored by everyone up until now but was indeed at the feast, looked up from a mouthful of pie. “What?”


“Not you, I just said ‘Artakha’ as an expression. I wasn’t calling your name.”


“Oh. That’s confusing as all Karzahni…”


“WHAT!?” demanded Karzahni, halfway through an Evil Pie.


“Not you, I just said ‘Karzahni’ as an expression. I wasn’t calling your name.”


“Oh,” said Karzahni. “Artakha! That’s hard to follow.”


What?” asked Artakha.


“Not you, I just said--”
 

“ENOUGH ALREADY!” demanded Dume, cranking the volume on the sound system up to full blast and cutting off the overly-long joke. “Also, no swearing in BIONICLE. Let’s get back on topic. To answer your question, Matau, this is a holiday commemorating...something, I’m not sure what, but basically we are thankful for everything in our lives. Thankful for this city, this building, the pie on our plates, the pie in our stomachs, the Matoran who work to keep everything running, the Toa who protect us, the--”


“Hey,” Matau interrupted again. “What was that last one?”


“‘The Toa who protect us?’”


Nokama facepalmed. “Oh no, I know where this is going…” she groaned. Beside her, Whenua rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement.


“That’s a great idea!” said Matau, getting up from the table and walking over to where Nuparu was still fiddling with his machinery. “I think we should focus completely on that. Hey Nuparu, can I borrow your sound system for a minute?”


“No,” said Nuparu.


“Okay, great.” Matau grabbed a spare microphone from out of Nuparu’s hands and addressed the audience:
 

The Audience

The Coliseum/Colosseum/Whatever

10000 Mata Lane

Metru Nui, MU 9,321

 

"Huh?" asked the audience.

 

Oh, sorry. My bad. Matau grabbed a spare microphone from out of Nuparu’s hands and spoke to the audience:


“I definitely like your idea, Dume, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t that seem like a lot of stuff to worry about being thankful for? I have a better idea: we should use this day to be thankful for one thing in particular. The Toa who protect us, as you said! Or, three of those Toa in particular. We should use this day to be thankful for the Three Awesome Metru: my super-cool best friend Whenua, the totally hot Nokama, and the greatest Toa-Hero of all time, me! Toa Mat--”


*SLAP!!*


The “slap heard ‘round the city” echoed through the Coliseum, magnified by the microphone Matau was still holding. “You really should have seen that one coming,” Nokama muttered.


“I...didn’t...think… :dazed: “ said Matau.


Whenua walked over to Nokama and Matau, looking down at the barely-coherent Toa of Air. “Uh-oh...anybody on hand to heal him?”


Tava ran out of the kitchens with several pies in his hands. As he ran, he ate all but one of the pies. “Pie!” exclaimed the pie-obsessed Matoran, holding aloft his last pie. “I made a Panacea Pie!” As they all watched, he pied Matau in the face with it, instantly healing the Toa of Air. “I’m gonna go make a Thanksmatau Pie, see you later!” He immediately dashed back into the kitchen, chanting decimals of pi to himself as he did so.


“Wow, that was great! Good job, weird pie-obsessed Matoran!” He looked around at the assembled crowd. “Actually, that gave me an idea.”


“We should thank Tava for healing you?” offered Nokama.


Matau scoffed. “Of course not, that’s ridiculous, and who’s ‘Tava’ anyway? No, I have an idea for the new holiday! From now on, I declare that this holiday will no longer be called ‘Thanksgiving,’ because that was a stupid name anyway (and actually is a hilarious swear word in Chutespeak, but never mind that). Instead, it will be called ‘Thanksmatau Day!’ A day where everyone goes around and thanks me (and the other two Awesome Metru) for helping protect the city, control elements, and generally be awesome.”


Dume’s jaw dropped and stayed there for several seconds. “That...is the single dumbest thing that has ever come out of your mouth, Matau. And that’s saying something!”


Matau shrugged. “Hey, at least it’s better than your last maybe-non-canon attempt at a Thanksgiving feast…”


“A fair point, but still.”


Just then, a flying vehicle zoomed so fast through the building that it crashed through the wall. Matau and the others barely had time to register Kongu behind the controls with a screaming Tamaru behind him before the vehicle crashed into the far wall, landing on the ground and skidding directly toward Vakama. “AAH!” screamed the Toa Metru of Fire. “It’s all my fault that vehicle is crashing! It’s all my fault Tamaru’s scared! It’s all my fault I’m gonna die! It’s all my fault I’m in the way!”


Matau, more because Vakama was annoying him and he thought Kongu was cool rather than particularly wanting to save the annoying Toa, summoned a tornado that grabbed the vehicle and lifted it up, setting it down safely outside the building’s entrance (and on top of the still-unconscious Onewa, incidentally). “Never fear!” said Matau, striking a stereotypical superhero pose. “I, Toa Matau, have saved the day again as usual! Now you have something else to thank me for!”


“Wow,” said Vakama, wiping his nonexistent brow at the near-miss. “Thanks, Matau!”


:OMG: “ gasped everyone. “He said something other than ‘It’s all my fault!’”


“I thought you said you weren’t coming!” Dume demanded of Everyone, who just shrugged and grabbed a pie to eat.


“It’s all my fault I said something besides ‘It’s all my fault!’” whined Vakama. “It’s all my fault Matau saved the day! It’s all my fault Everyone is here!”


Kongu and a petrified Tamaru walked in (well, Kongu walked in, Tamaru just sort of shuffled in out of fear). “Thanks for the save-rescue, Matau,” said Kongu.


“Yeah...th-th-thanks for p-permitting-letting me n-not die!” agreed Tamaru.


Nokmaa rolexed her eyeyeys. “Oh, great. The last thing we need is people supporting this crazy Matau holiday. AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING!” she added, glaring at the kraata of letter control.


“It’s all my fault I thanked Matau! It’s all my fault I’m supporting this holiday! It’s all my fault that it’s all my fau--” Matau promptly knocked Vakama out with a randomly appeared rubber mallet.


“THANKS, MATAU!” shouted everyone in the entire building, relieved at not having to listen to Vakama any longer.


“Awesome!" said Matau. “This is getting off to a great start, don’t you agree?”


Nokama just looked at Whenua, who had his head in his hands. “Let’s just go home and pretend this never happened, okay?”


“I completely agree,” said Whenua.


As the two Toa Metru turned to leaf, Matau noticed them. “Uh, Nokama, Whenua, have you looked at yourselves lately?”


Leaf-Nokama and Leaf-Whenua looked down at themselves and indeed noticed that they had each transformed into a giant Toa-shaped leaf. “Weird…” said Leaf-Whenua. Brutaka accidentally stepped on the kraata of letter control, and the Toa Metru immediately transformed back to normal as they turned to leave.


“That makes slightly more sense. But where are you going?”


“Matau, this holiday of yours has gotten out of control. We were all having fun until you came along!”


“Talk-speak for y-y-yourself…” muttered a still badly-shaken Tamaru.


“Well, I like Thanksmatau Day! I think it’s a great holiday.”


Whenua shook his head. “I think it would be more fun if we went back to your house and hung out there. Too many not-awesome people.” Just then, Nuju wandered past, babbling about grammar, calculus, and other extremely nerdy things that no one cared about. “See what I mean?”


Matau looked at Nuju, Vakama, and the squished Onewa outside, who was just beginning to walk toward Matau with a very angry look on his face. “Hmm...good point. They do diminish my awesome Toa-Hero self. Okay, let’s go!” The Toa of Air jumped onto the crashed vehicle from earlier, smacked it across the dashboard, and it immediately rose up into the air. “Hop on!”


“There is no way we’re riding in that,” commented Nokama. “Why can’t we just walk?”


“Walking takes too long, for one, and it’s too boring for someone like me, for two. No need to thank me! Actually, there is a need to thank me, it’s Thanksmatau Day after all!”


“I’m going to regret this…” muttered Nokama as she and Whenua climbed onto the vehicle.




* * *




*CRASH! BANG! SMASH! BAZOOK! CHUGALABANIGERF!*


Three very dazed Toa Metru stumbled out of the vehicle’s wreckage and into Matau’s house. “I knew we should have walked…” muttered Nokama.


“Let’s do that again sometime...” said Matau, still half-conscious.


“Muaka...penguin...pizza…” gibberished Whenua.


However, all three of them were instantly snapped back to their senses when they opened the door. The entire house was drenched in cheese, which upon further inspection had been used to fill a massive pie crust the size of Matau’s living room and kitchen combined. Atop the pie stood Tava and Roporak, who were apparently trying to figure out how to fit their massive creation into the oven. “CHEESE PIE!” Roporak shouted excitedly. “Like it?”


:OMG: “ emoticonned the three Toa.

 

 

 

[/END FLASHBACK!]

 

 


Back in the present, Matau woke up as the flashback generator ran out of batteries and powered down. “Huh? What? Darn whippersnappers always on my lawn! Back in the old days, we didn’t have lawns!”


“Matau, we still don’t have a lawn,” Nokama pointed out.


“Oh. Right,” he said. “Well, the moral of the story is: never leave Visorak unattended!”


“What?” asked Turaga Whenua, shuffling into the room. “What are you talking about?”


“I have absolutely no idea. But it’s Thanksmatau Day soon, so we should get ready! Where are all those pictures of me as a Toa?”


Nokama sighed. “Some things never change….”


THE END


Bob the Word Counting Gukko: This comedy has 3,859 words.


~Happy Thanksgiving from Lewa# Studios!

 

Halloween Special 2014

 

:mirunu: Lewa0111 Nuva :mirunu:

Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva
  • Upvote 2

My Script Comedies: | The Nuva Inn Remake | Ask Matau! Remake (ACCEPTING QUESTIONS!) |

My Prose Comedies: | The BZ-Nui Hack Wars | Mata Nova |

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)

ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

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