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The Awesomest TLR Spoof


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The year is 2009.  Three and a half years have passed since the end of The Greatest WoS Spoof and much has changed.  At the end of the last comedy, I had promised to spoof Lewa11's fan-made film BIONICLE: Quest of the Toa, a project I was heavily involved with.  As we all know, that was definitely released and it was definitely the most amazing thing to exist.
Meanwhile, in reality, I had also promised to work on a comic series.  As it turned out, not long after I finished The Greatest WoS Spoof, my tech class started teaching Adobe Flash.  Well, I decided to fiddle around with it at home and the rest is history.
For a while, it seemed like that was the end of my time in the Comedies Forum.  It's not easy to write a good comedy without a structured plot provided for you, such as the script of the movie, and there were other creative projects I wanted to pursue.
Then The Legend Reborn was released.  I had something else to write a comedy about!  I even made a trailer for it.
So did I still have the comedic touch after all those years?  That will be for you to decide.
Here we go, one last time.

Chapter 1- My Beginning

(The scene opens onto the picturesque, tropical island of Mata Nui.)

Turaga Vakama: Gathered friends, listen again to --


Vakama: But... I always start the movies.

Director: Not any more, you don't. LEGO finally listened to me for once and fired all you morons!

Vakama: But how will I feed my family? :(

Director: :glare: Fine, you can stay here as a gopher.

Vakama: A gopher? Hey, does that mean if I do all those ridiculous tasks from the LEGO Backlot game, I'll eventually be promoted to director? :D

Director: No, it means that you "go fer" whatever I tell you and also it means that you have to -- director.gif

Vakama: Ah, just like the good old days... Alright, carry on.

(So, as I was saying, the scene opens onto the picturesque, tropical island of Mata Nui. A palm tree sways in the breeze... wait, didn't the Bohrok already clear the island? Why is there still a tree here?)

Random Tahnok: *Quickly incinerates tree* What tree?

(Right... anyway, the camera begins to zoom out to an aerial view of the island.)

Mata Nui: It is said that all endings are merely beginnings waiting to be born.

Vakama: Said by whom?

Mata Nui: Me. I said it. Just now.

Vakama: :glare: You win this round...

Mata Nui: Right... My beginning was much the same.

(Light begins glowing under the surface of the island. The island breaks up and the giant robotic body of Mata Nui emerges from the ocean.)

Mata Nui: *Looks around the endless ocean of Aqua Magna* Aw, jeez. I wet the bed again.

Vakama and the Director: :blink:

Mata Nui: Once, I was a towering giant, ruler of my own universe, fearless, beholden to none, protector of my people. So yeah, drink your milk, kids. Oh, and speaking of "fearless", you really need to go to iTunes and check out Taylor Swift's Album Fearless. Seriously, that is some good country music.

Director: director.gif

(The camera zooms to inside Mata Nui's body, where several Matoran are operating machinery in a cylindrical structure with a beam of golden energy running through it.)

Blue Tanma: I say, isn't it a spiffing day to not be trapped in strange, transparent red cylinders?

Yellow Tanma: I'll say. In fact, I think that the only thing that could ruin this perfect day is that. Heck, the entire universe could be taken over by the Makuta and I'd still be having a good day.

Blue Tanma: I’m with you on that. Hey, what do these buttons do anyway?

Yellow Tanma: I think if you press them, it gives Mata Nui gas.

Blue Tanma: Seriously? I totally have to try that! *He does so and a huge explosion can be heard in the distance.* :superfunny: That's just classic.

Yellow Tanma: Oh wait, my bad, that actually causes a massive volcano to erupt that kills everyone in a 10 mio radius.

Blue Tanma: :mellow: Okay, if anyone asks, that happened on its own.

Mata Nui: Until I was betrayed.

(The light from Mata Nui's eyes and the golden beam of energy go out, to be replaced by red, representing Teridax's takeover of the robotic body.)

Mata Nui: All that I had been, all that I had known was stolen from me by an ever-present evil. My power stripped away, my people enslaved...

(The various working Matoran are all trapped, many inside strange, transparent red cylinders.)

Yellow Tanma: nooooo.gif

Mata Nui: I was left powerless to save them. And yet, a part of me survived: my spirit.

Makuta: Whoa, slow down there. Survived? I chose to fire you out of my body just to mess with everyone. Why do you have to lie to everyone like that?

(The Ignika shoots out of Makuta's body and flies off into space.)

Mata Nui: Captured and preserved inside a mask worn by a Toa warrior --

Makuta: Okay, let me just stop you again. Matoro wore that thing for like two seconds, so did that other guy on Jovan's team. To say that it was worn by a Toa is a pretty big stretch. What's with all the lying? I took over the world and even I don't lie as much as you have in the past minute!

Mata Nui: Yeah, okay there, "brother".

Makuta: :glare: You win this round...

Mata Nui: Its name echoed my rebirth: the Mask of Life.

Ignika: Or Phil... That's my real name, by the way.

Mata Nui: Wait, why not Ignika?

Ignika: Don't ask me! Everyone just calls me that! It's a pretty stupid name if you ask me. You know, it even says "My name is Phil" inside me, if you just put me on your face you can see it as plain as day. :sly:

Vakama: Really? :o *He rushes to try on the mask, but the Director blocks him.*

Director: Ordinarily I'd jump at a chance to have you tricked into sacrificing yourself to the ravenous hunger of a psychotic doomsday device, but I need you alive since you're the only person I've been able to find who's willing to be my gopher.

Takua: Could I do it? :)

Director: :crying: WHY ME?!?!

Takua: So when I "go fer" things, does that include pie?

Director: director.gif

Takua: I'll take that as a "yes". *Walks off*

(Meanwhile, Mata Nui, trapped inside the Ignika, floats through outer space.)

Captain Picard: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Ignika --

Ignika: Phil!

Picard: -- Its continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly --

Mata Nui: Hey, man. I finally got a big movie break after being on Star Trek. Don't ruin this for me.

Picard: Ooo, a movie based on something out of a comic book. Really impressive. :rolleyes:

Mata Nui: Um... X-Men?

Picard: :glare: You win this round...

(The Ignika crash-lands onto the desert planet of Bara Magna, creating a massive crater.)

Takua: Massive like your mom!

Director: :uhuh: And you wonder why no one likes you...

Edited by SPIRIT
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I had a word document with this saved to it, and a physical printout at one time.  But I think I recycled the printout (because I didn't realize that the forum was gone) and whether the document still exists is anyone's guess at this point.  I'll try to find it though.

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Chapter 2- The Mask of Life

(The Mask of Life lies motionless in its newly-created crater. An inquisitive Click the Scarabax comes to investigate.)

Click: What the heck? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I finally pay off the mortgage on my house and a MASK FALLS FROM OUTER SPACE AND DEMOLISHES IT?!

(Millions of other Scarabax come to investigate the sound of his yelling.)

Click: This mask has invaded our territory and destroyed twelve city blocks! For this crime, we must bestow upon it the greatest punishment of our legal system: we shall poke it!

(There are many cries of dismay and horror from the crowd, and several women swoon at the mere notion. The Scarabax swarm surrounds the mask, many members carrying adorably tiny torches and pitchforks. Boldly, Click prepares to poke the mask, but it expels a wave of light and drives them all away.)

Click: Aw come on! Whenever it's my turn to poke things, you guys always run away, but whenever it's Tick, Snap, or Onomatopoeia's turn --

(Click stops mid-sentence, unable to continue listing his ridiculously-named Scarabax brethren, as the Mask of Life rises into the air, whipping up a powerful sandstorm in the crater.)

Click: :o Oh no! Now I'll lose 1/16 of my HP every turn! If only I were Rock, Ground, or Steel type!

Director: :glare: Really? An obscure Pokémon joke? At least when the other characters broke the fourth wall, they had the decency to make it funny.

Click: :(

(Golden energy begins to flow from the Mask of Life, gradually forming into the new body of Mata Nui. He gently floats to the ground and looks quite weary, which can be expected. I mean, if he were a standup comedian, he'd probably make the classic "I just flew here from Aqua Magna and boy my arms are tired" joke. Then he'd be like --)

Director: :mad: Okay, they get it!

Click: Aha! Finally someone who can reimburse me for my losses. I'll go talk to him myself to see if we can settle out of court.

(Mata Nui looks around his new surrounding with curiosity, before he tries to start walking in his new body. Unused to his form, his walk is unstable and clumsy. Once again, to be expected. I mean, he went down like 3 million shoe sizes...)

Click: :glare: Perfect, a real upstanding member of society here. Hey you with the house-crushing face! Yeah, I was wondering how you planned to reimburse me for the millions in damage you did to my home. What's the name of your insurance agency?

(Deaf to Click's attempts to obtain financial compensation, Mata Nui continues to lumber on towards him.)

Click: A tough guy, eh? Well you don't scare me. I'll fight you any time any --

(Suddenly Click spots a piece of gum stuck to the underside of Mata Nui's foot as Mata Nui is about to inadvertently step on him.)

Click: :OMG: Someone else's saliva!!! Please don't touch me with that! I'll do anything!

(Mata Nui hears this faint shrieking and stops. He sees Click under his foot and steps back.)

Mata Nui: Sorry, little one. You may have noticed I am not steady on my feet yet.

Click: Know what else I noticed? YOU DESTROYED MY HOUSE!

(Mata Nui crouches down to speak to the Scarabax.)

Mata Nui: I have a feeling you are trying to tell me something.

Click: annoyed2.gif Alright, pal. Just hand over the money and we can be through with this.

Mata Nui: Easy. I will not hurt you. *He places his hand on the ground and Click climbs onto it and runs up his arm.*

Click: Finally, a face to face discussion. Tell you what, you give me that mask you're wearing and we'll call it even. What is that, anyway? Like 24 karat?

Mata Nui: Ah, it's the mask you're interested in.

Click: Don't patronize me! I'll just take that from you...

(Click touches the mask and suddenly it and he begin to glow.)

Click: Okay, changed my mind! Keep the mask! I'm outta here!

(He tries to run away, but as soon as he reaches the end of Mata Nui's arm, he turns into a mighty shield.)

Mata Nui: Magnificent! *He examines the shield more closely and sees Click looking back at him.* Which you can see... for yourself...

Click: Oho! You're in trouble now, bub. With these new powers, I'll teach you a lesson or... *He suddenly realizes that he is unable to move.* This is just not my day...

(The shadow of a Vorox falls over them. Mata Nui looks up in shock to see one of the desert beasts pounce on him, but Mata Nui manages to kick it off.)

Mata Nui: Okay, um, ow! What happened to LEGO's no violence policy?

Director: Well, we thought that defeating an enemy by simply heating the ground just wasn't believable enough for kids any more.

Tahu: But that was my best move! :(

Mata Nui: No wonder Makuta won. :glare:

(The Vorox quickly gets back to its feet and roars at Mata Nui and Click.)

Vorox: I want a hug! :drool:

Mata Nui and Click: :blink:

(The Vorox pounces on Mata Nui and tries to stab him with his tail, but Mata Nui rolls out of the way.)

Mata Nui: Hey! How about some personal space?! *The Vorox tries to stab him once more, but Mata Nui rolls out of the way again.* I really -- *And again.* -- Don't feel -- *And again.* -- Comfortable -- *And again.* -- Being this close -- *And again.* -- To you -- *And again.* Exclamation mark! *And again.* CAN WE PLEASE REINSTATE THE NO VIOLENCE POLICY?!

(The Director, however, was far too busy filing his nails to hear him.)

Director: And this three inch galvanized nail goes into this folder, and this four inch steel nail goes into that folder...

(Oh how witty, a non sequitur... While the Director continues his lame attempt at humour, Mata Nui brings his Scarab Shield up to his face and manages to block a direct strike from the Vorox, breaking off the end of its tail in the process.)

Vorox: nooooo.gif Mr. Tail! I shall avenge you! *He quickly scampers back up the crater wall and runs away.*

Click: :blink: Okay, I'll be the first to say that that was twelve kinds of messed up right there.

(Mata Nui transforms Click back into his Beatle form.)

Click: :music: We all live in a yellow --

(Mata Nui quickly transforms Click back into his beetle form.)

Click: :(

Mata Nui: Before this day, I never needed help from anyone or anything. Thank you.

The Toa Nuva and the Toa Inika: :burnmad:

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Chapter 3- Evil at Work

Mata Nui: Well, little one, I spared your life, you saved mine. Shall we call it even and go our separate ways? *He bends down and tries to place Click on the ground, but Click promptly scurries back up Mata Nui's arm.*

Click: Are you kidding me?! What if that psycho hug-loving Vorox comes back? Property damage or not, I'm staying with you, Transformity-Face-Guy.

Mata Nui: Okay, easy! It was just a...

(But what it just was, the audience would never find out...)

*Dramatic suspenseful music.*

(Mata Nui turns to look at Metus driving towards him in his Thornatus, which is the vehicle of choice on Bara Magna. With a five-star safety crash rating, 20 miles per gallon, and an unbeatable warranty, hurry down to your dealer and --)

Director: :mad: We're not doing product placement in this film!

(Thinking that the newcomer could be another attacker, Mata Nui quickly runs towards him, grabbing Mr. Tail to defend himself. Metus brings his vehicle to a skidding halt and draws a weapon, which he points at Mata Nui.)

Metus: State your business.

(Mata Nui stands there saying nothing for a few minutes, wondering how best he could do a joke referring to Dragons' Den or Shark Tank. Unable to think of one, he decides to answer truthfully.)

Mata Nui: Just a traveller, looking for the nearest city.

Metus: Ha ha ha ha... Well then, you may as well start digging. Here on Bara Magna, you're bound to find the ruins of one or another.

Mata Nui: :huh:

Metus: That's a joke.

Mata Nui: I don't get it.

Click: Me neither.

Director: You know, I don't really get it either.

Metus: :( Oh come on! I was saying that both travellers and cities are ruined and buried under the sand.

Mata Nui: Ohhhhhh... yeah, still not funny.

Metus: Let me guess, not a big laugher.

Mata Nui to Click in a loud whisper: Watch out for this one... he can read minds!

Click: :uhuh:

Metus: Right --

Mata Nui: Left.

Metus: :glare: Well, to answer your question, nearest village is Vulcanus. I've got some business there if you want a ride, that is, unless you'd rather wind up captured by a pack of Bone Hunters or worse Skrall.

Mata Nui: What are Bone Hunters and Skrall?

Alex Trebek: That is correct. Mata Nui, it's your turn to select the category.

Mata Nui: I'll take... Evil Villains for $1200, Alex.

Alex Trebek: These creatures are also known as the "sons of the Makuta".

Pohatu: What is Rahkshi?

Director: director.gif

Click: :blink:

Mata Nui: So what are Bone Hunters and Skrall?

Metus: No one you ever want to meet.

Mata Nui: *Pulls out a notebook and starts to write.* Bone Hunters and Skrall = the Director.

Director: :mad: Hey!

Mata Nui: Well, he said they were no one I'd ever want to meet. I just assumed that was you.

Director: :burnmad: What are you writing anyway?

Mata Nui: BIONICLE: Mata Nui's Guide to Bara Magna. Check out bookstores this November and pick up a copy of your very --


Metus pointing to Click: Hey, you've got a --

(Mata Nui draws Mr. Tail out to defend himself.)

Metus: Relax! You've got a filthy Scarabax on your back. I was just trying to knock the disgusting thing off.

Mata Nui: Oh, is that what you were doing? I thought you were going to say "you've got beautiful eyes" or something. I've noticed that people around these parts have a few personal space issues... Thanks, but I like him right where he is.

Click: Yeah, that's right, sucker. I'm his trusty sidekick.

Mata Nui: I've got this constant itch right about there, and when he crawls around he manages to scratch it just right. Apart from that, he's really of no use to me.

Click: :(

Metus: Alright, whatever. *He holds out his hand for Mata Nui to shake.* I'm Metus.

Mata Nui: I'm Mata Nui. *The two shake hands.*

Metus: Hold on.

Mata Nui: Yeah... not really going to be an issue. You see, I might've accidentally covered my hand in superglue before shaking yours...

Metus: :glare:

(Several hours and one Sand Bat later, they manage to unstick themselves and set off for Vulcanus.)

Mata Nui: What happened here?


Mata Nui: I was talking about the planet, moron.

Click: Wait, you can understand me? :blink:

Mata Nui: Yeah, I've been just ignoring you to mess with you.

Click: Really?

Mata Nui: Those were both sentences I might be saying if I could understand this little bug.

Click: annoyed2.gif

Metus: Who knows? Been like this long as anyone can remember. Of course, around these parts we have memories like goldfish... State your business!

Mata Nui: :glare:

Metus: But if I had to make a guess, I'd probably say it was --

Mata Nui: Evil.

Metus: I was going to say planet-wide conflict caused by poor government and overpowered leaders that created an ecological disaster that caused the planet to explode into three pieces, but evil works.

Director: :glare:

Metus: Not from around here, are you?

Mata Nui to Click in a loud whisper: I told you he can read minds!

Click: Dude, you just sewed a Canadian flag onto your backpack!

Mata Nui to Metus: No.

Metus: I figured. It's clear you can fight if you can defeat a Vorox and there aren't many Agori who can do that.

Mata Nui: Agori?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was --

Director: GET OFF MY SET!

Metus: Me! I'm an Agori! Although most aren't as good looking as I am, ha, ha... That's another joke!

Mata Nui: You being good looking? You bet that's a joke.

Metus: :(

Mata Nui and Click: *High five.*

Metus: Truth is, we're just peaceful villagers trying to survive. Not like the Bone Hunters: cutthroats who steal what little we've got left, when they're not fighting with the Skrall.

(As the Thornatus goes around a turn, demonstrating its superb steering --)

Director: I'm warning you!

(Two Bone Hunters step out of the shadows and begin talking.)

Fero: So, Ernesto, did you see Sally from accounting today?

Ernesto: No, I didn't... we don't even have an accounting department.

Fero: Oh yeah, the whole vicious band of mercenaries thing. Right...

Ernesto: I don't even think we have girls in our group.

Fero: Man, this job sucks!

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Chapter 4- Engaged in Combat


(Mata Nui, Click, and Metus arrive in the fiery village of Vulcanus amid several cheers issuing from the local arena.)


Metus: Ah, good. Sounds like we're just in time.


Mata Nui: For what?


Click: Okay, hold on a sec. Who pronounces the H in "what"? You know, I can forgive you destroying all my worldly possessions, but that... No, just no. :uhuh:


Metus: You'll see...


(A Nui-Jaga then bursts out of thin air and shoots Mata Nui in the face with its poison, temporarily blinding him, before promptly vanishing.)


Metus: :glare:


(Mata Nui, Click, and Metus all get out of Metus's Thornatus -- which is neither better nor worse than any other vehicle available for sale --)


Director: Give it a rest, already!


(The trio heads for the arena.)


Metus: Back in the day, the villages settled disputes the old fashioned way --


Mata Nui: With printing presses and windmills?


Metus: :glare: No. By destroying each other. Very messy. Lot of clean up. So we came up with a solution. And when Rock-Paper-Scissors failed due to the set versions of us only being able to do Rock, we came up with another solution.


(Down in the arena, Ackar and Strakk are in the middle of an intense battle.)


Ackar and Strakk: Rock, Paper, Scissors! Darn, a tie. Rock, Paper, Scissors! Darn, a tie. Rock, Paper --


Raanu: Guys! We did away with that system, remember?


Ackar: Sorry, whole goldfish memory thing, you know.


Strakk: You know, goldfish don't actually --


Director: director.gif


(Ackar and Strakk start fighting for real.)


Mata Nui: You Agori use your best warriors for sport?


Metus: Hey, believe me, it's a lot better than when we used them for food.


Mata Nui: :OMG:


Metus: And not sport, problem solving.


Ackar: If a train is leaving Miami travelling at 50 km/h while a plane takes off from Toronto going at 20 m/sec and the moon is in its third phase and one of the carbon atoms is missing a neutron, solve for X.


Strakk: I don't know! :crying:


Metus: Much more honourable than slaughtering each other and considerably more profitable.


(Mata Nui and Click glance at each other.)


Metus: Uh, not that I care about that kind of thing...


That Kind of Thing: :(


Fire Agori: Come on, Ackar!


Ice Agori: Take him down!


Other Ice Agori: Get him, Strakk!


Deep disembodied voice: FINISH HIM!


Metus: The red warrior, Ackar, used to be the greatest Glatorian in all Bara Magna.


Raanu: Ah, Metus. Good, you're here. Look at Ackar... Ha! Made you look!


Mata Nui, Click, and Metus: :glare:


Raanu: I'm telling you, his days are numbered. I practically had to beg him to fight.


Metus: Mata Nui, meet Raanu. He's the leader of this village. Mata Nui's new in town.


Mata Nui: New in planet, you mean.


Director: director.gif


Raanu: Hmm...


Click sarcastically: Hey, pleased to meet you too and thank you for welcoming us to your village. What? Would we like to sit down? Why, yes, you're too kind!


Raanu: What do you think?


Mata Nui: He fights without fear. That is a rare quality. Just like oral hygiene around here! *Mata Nui proceeds to make several loud coughing sounds and other obvious hinting gestures to which Raanu is simply oblivious.*


Raanu: True enough, but he's lost his taste for battle -- everyone knows it has a minty taste, be he keeps going on about lemons -- and once a Glatorian loses heart, it's not long before he loses the rest of his organs and he meets defeat and must be banished. No doubt that is why Metus brought you here tonight.


Metus: Gasp!


Director: No, don't say "gasp", actually gasp!


Metus: *gasps*


Director: :glare:


Mata Nui: I don't understand. You want me to eat lemons?


Metus: Ha, ha, ha... let's not get ahead of ourselves, Raanu. There's plenty of time to find a new First Glatorian to take Ackar's place. By the way, did I mention that I recruit Glatorians?


Mata Nui: Probably, I don't really listen to half the stuff you babble about.


(Meanwhile, the battle continues below, with Ackar performing some rather impressive acrobatics for someone's who's supposed to be past his prime. Someone probably needs to check for performance enhancers...)


Mata Nui: This red warrior fights with the courage of a true Toa... You know, minus the cool powers and all that... To be honest, the only thing he has in common with Toa is that he does an unnecessary amount of flips... I knew I should've checked them for performance enhancers before being kicked out...


(Ackar gains the upper hand in the fight and manages to down Strakk.)


Fire Agori: He's done it!


Director: Yeah, no duh.


Fire Agori: This village is hot! Ackar is red! You just insulted me!


Director: I'm about to strangle you too!


Ice Agori: Get up, Strakk!


Strakk: So now you want me to fight Ackar AND gravity? There's just no pleasing you!


Ackar: Concede. Yield to me and this goes no further.


Strakk: Alright, you win.


Ackar: You leave with your honour intact, and I with your shield, in victory.


Strakk: Not Mr. Shield!


(Angrily, Strakk gets to his feet and picks up his axe.)


Fire Agori: Watch out!




Ackar: Yeah, come on! Some people are so rude. Carry on with your attack, I'll take care of that punk in the crowd.


(Strakk throws his axe at Ackar, catching him off guard and sending him crashing to the ground. Ackar tries to get up, but falls back down again. Strakk makes his way menacingly towards him.)


Mata Nui: You call this honour? He was clearly defeated.


Raanu: We're just Agori. We're not going to fight a Glatorian. Besides, I hate the taste of mint!


(Giving up on the senile old Agori, Mata Nui decides to jump into the arena to defend Ackar. His mask begins to glow and Click transforms into a shield again.)


Fire Agori: Did you see that?


Director sarcastically: No, they were looking at the OTHER GOLDEN GLOWING TRANSFORMATION!


Metus: Interesting... No wonder he's so fond of that bug.


Click: So it wasn't for my good looks? Aw... :(


(Meanwhile, Strakk is advancing closer to Ackar.)


Strakk: You're finished, old m--


(Mata Nui then knocks Strakk out of the way.)


Strakk: I'll cut you down for that, outsider!


Mata Nui: Outsider? You're the one with the Austrian accent.


(Strakk attacks Mata Nui several times, clearly winning the fight.)


Metus: Too bad. I'd hoped he'd bring a decent price.


Raanu: Well, he is rather shiny... that's a good fifteen bucks right there.


(Strakk knocks Mata Nui to the ground and prepares the final blow.)


Ackar: Strakk, no! Your fight's with me!


Strakk: It is? Oops, my bad. Okay, you're next, Ackar. :)


Ackar: annoyed2.gif


Strakk: He asked for it and now he's going to get it!


Mata Nui: You're giving me your axe? Aw, thanks, man.


(Strakk, who was not giving Mata Nui his axe, lifts his weapon high to finish him off, when suddenly the Mask of Life transforms Mr. Tail into a sword.)


Strakk: How in --


(As punishment for not reading the narration, Mata Nui knocks Strakk to his feet and disarms him.)




(The definition of "disarm" is quickly explained to Mata Nui while a team of paramedics quickly reattach Strakk's arms with duct tape. Mata Nui places his blade under Strakk's throat.)


Mata Nui: Concede!


Strakk: Fine.


Mata Nui: For all to hear!


Strakk: I killed Mufasa!


Mata Nui: :blink:


Strakk: Erm, I mean, I concede! :lookaround:


Ice Agori: Who is that stranger?


Other Ice Agori: Whose village will he fight for?


Director: Are you serious? He's Mata Nui! Have you even been paying attention to this movie?! As for what village he'll be fighting for, he just fought for Vulcanus! I don't know who's dumber, you extras or the main cast!


Raanu: *Tries to take his finger out of his nose without being noticed.*


(Strakk makes to grab his axe again, but Ackar quickly steps on it.)


Ackar: Don't.


Strakk: First you steal Mr. Shield, then Ms. Axe! How am I going to pretend to have their wedding now?!


Everyone else: :blink:


Strakk: I'll just go be banished now...


(Ackar holds up Strakk's shield to Mata Nui.)


Ackar: Your victory, your shield.


Mata Nui: You won honourably, the prize of victory is yours.


Ackar: Well, in that case...


(Ackar throws the shield away and hits Vakama.)


Vakama: Oh come on! I didn't even do anything stupid this time!


Ackar: I've got plenty of shields.


(The crowd starts to disperse.)


Ackar: How quickly they forget.


Mata Nui: Forget what?


Ackar: :glare: ... I am already an outcast.


Mata Nui: It's never too late to win them back. No wait, wasn't it just daylight savings time or whatever? Yeah, it's too late.


Ackar: Perhaps. I am in your debt, stranger.


Takua: Hey, wait a sec... A sporting event in the village of fire led by some short, old guy at the start of the movie only to result in a main character being defeated followed by a golden mask revealing its power? I think I've seen this movie before!


Director: director.gif

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 5- Trusted Companions

(After the match, Ackar has invited Mata Nui and Click over to his hut. Mata Nui is looking at a large wall of shields.)

Mata Nui: You won all these?

Ackar: Won... stole... what's the difference? I mean yes, and look what good they do me... Well, actually, they're the only thing that's holding the roof up, but other than that... I should've packed it in long before this.

Mata Nui: But you stayed, why?

(Click flinches as Mata Nui once again pronounces the silent H.)

Ackar: Duty. Pride.

Mata Nui: No, stupid, it's Unity, Duty, Destiny. How could you not know that?!

Ackar: :glare: ... But a Glatorian past his prime is no good to anyone.

Mata Nui: What about one past his Optimus Prime?

Ackar: :glare:

Mata Nui: To be defeated without a fight would be dishonour. You carry this truth inside you, as I do. You are a true Toa.

Ackar: Toa?

Mata Nui: Yeah, you know, like SOH CAH TOA.

Ackar: So I'm the tangent, which is the ratio of opposite over adjacent?

Mata Nui: Um... sure.

(Before Mata Nui can further embarrass himself, Metus barges into the room.)

Metus: Mata Nui! You were brilliant!

Click: Which is the complete opposite to how he usually is. Zing!

(The Director fights like mad to restrain Takua from using he age-old joke that has never been funny.)

Metus: Raanu will pay anything we ask.

Mata Nui: Even infinity bazillion dollars?

Metus: Um... sure. And if you don't like this village, no problem! I can get the other leaders to bid for you on GlatorianBay.

Mata Nui: That is very kind, but no.

Metus: Are you crazy?

Click: He is, trust me.

Metus: Do you realize what you're passing up? The life of a First Glatorian!

Ackar: Oh, yes! Look how great it worked out for me.

(Ackar walks away to pack his electric toothbrush/power sander, a key tool for every Glatorian warrior... apparently...)

Mata Nui: The answer is still no.

Metus: Okay, okay. I hear you. But when you change your mind --

Mata Nui: I will not. This tin-foil hat protects me from your vile mind-reading ways!

Metus: Playing hard to get. I can respect that. Soon enough you'll come around begging for me to take you back.

(Mata Nui tapes a picture of the Director over his mask and growls at Metus.)

Metus: Okay, that's a joke. You'd never beg. I'm going now.

(Metus runs away while Mata Nui and Ackar laugh.)

Ackar: So, stranger, what are your plans?

Mata Nui: Whoa, you invited a stranger into your house? Did your mother teach you nothing?! I'm Mata Nui.

Ackar: I'm Ackar; A, double Kuh, Arrrr!

Mata Nui and Click: :blink:

Ackar: Sorry about that, one of my other roles slipped in... So about those plans...

Mata Nui: We intercepted no transmissions. This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission.

Ackar: :glare:

Mata Nui: Oh right. I begin searching for a way back to my homeland.

Ackar: Which is...?

Mata Nui: You will think it sounds crazy...

Ackar: Well, no crazier than jumping into the arena armed with only a tail and that thing. *He points at Click.*

Mata Nui: True. Okay, here goes: Gablagabaloogaroochakapa! Did that sound crazy?

Director: :glare:

Mata Nui: My home is far from this place... on another world entirely.

(Ackar stares at Mata Nui uncertainly.)

Mata Nui: I was once its protector until I lost everything to a powerful evil that has enslaved my people. That is why I must find a way back.

Kiina: I knew it!

Ackar: What? Another person breaking into my house?! I could've sworn this place had doors once!

Kiina: Waaaaaaahooo! Proof! Proof of what I've been saying for years!

Ackar: Kiina! This is not the place.

Kiina: Really? Aw shoot.

(Kiina runs outside and into the hut next door and begins her speech all over again. Ackar rushes out and glaringly drags her back inside.)

Kiina: But I was right!

(Mata Nui draws his sword defensively.)

Mata Nui: Who is this?

Ackar: Wait, no. She's --

(Kiina pushes him aside.)

Ackar: Alright, you can stab her. :mad:

Kiina: Name's Kiina, a Glatorian. One of the best. And you just won me a lot of bets.

Click: Aw man! *Angrily, he hands Kiina twenty bucks.*

Kiina: "Kiina's delusional. There's no such thing as other worlds!" Yeah, well, he proves it! Woohoohoo! :happydance:

Mata Nui: Yeah, this is really convincing me otherwise about that whole delusional thing...

Ackar: Um, it's okay. Although I don't always agree with her methods -- such as lurking in the shadows! -- as Glatorian go, Kiina ranks.

Mata Nui: Really? Wow. You guys must suck.

Ackar: :mad:

Kiina: *Twirling her weapon.* I was right, I was right...

Ackar: I'd trust her with my life.

Mata Nui to Click: Watch this guy, I think he's suicidal.

Ackar: :glare:

Mata Nui: Good to meet you, Kiina. I have recently discovered what a great gift it is to find someone you can truly trust.

Click: :D

Mata Nui: By which I meant Ackar.

Click: :(

(Kiina notices Click and recoils in disgust.)

Click: Hey! I'm a much more popular character than you!

Kiina: So what they're saying is true?


Mata Nui, Kiina, and Click: :blink:

Ackar: Erm, never mind...

Kiina: *Turns to Click.* Let me guess, you call him Click?

Click: Not at all! Usually he calls me Stupidface!

Kiina: Hey! I was just kidding.

Click: I wasn't. :crying:

Mata Nui: I like it. Click it is.

Kiina: Wow. A real other-worlder.

Mata Nui: Hey now, no need to be racist.

Kiina: Finally! Someone to convince the Agori there's a place better than this miserable wasteland.

Mata Nui: Well actually --

Ackar: He needs our help, Kiina. And I owe him.

Kiina: Help, huh? I might be able to do something for you, but I'm going to want something in return.

Mata Nui: Okay, you can have Click.

Click: :mad:

Kiina: I want out of this dump. You have to take me with you.

Ackar: Kiina!

Mata Nui: It's alright. If it's within my power I will take you... Hope you can swim. :sly:

Kiina: What?

Mata Nui: Nothing... But the time to help my people is running out.

Kiina: No problem. I work fast.

Mata Nui: What do you have in mind, Kiina?

Kiina: Well, I discovered an enormous cavern under my village. It's filled with weird ancient equipment and tools. It might have something you can use. Word of warning, though, don't even think of pulling a fast one, 'cause you're my ticket out of here.

Mata Nui: Can I pull a slow one?

Kiina: Um... sure.

Mata Nui: Oh man, twenty years from now and you won't know what hit you!

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Chapter 6- Desert Ambush

Director: :glare: Great! Spoil the movie why don't you?

(Kiina, Ackar, Mata Nui, and Click all leave town on a Thornatus. As they start their journey, they appear to run over something, but they ignore it and continue out of the village.)

Kiina: What do you suppose we hit?

Mata Nui: Who knows? Probably something annoying and stupid.

(As they drive away from Takua's flattened body, a mysterious figure watches them leave and then runs off.)

Metus panting heavily: Man, I sure wish they hadn't carjacked my Thornatus. Woo boy, for a Glatorian trainer I'm really out of shape.

Director: Hey! Don't reveal yourself this early in the movie!

Metus: Erm... is what I would say if I were Metus... which I may or may not be...

Director: annoyed2.gif

(The Thornatus drives along until it reaches Sandray Canyon: a picturesque part of Bara Magna known for its abundance of Skopio and Bone Hunters AND COMPLETE LACK OF SANDRAYS!)

Mata Nui: Is the cavern in that canyon?

Kiina: No, it's near Tajun, my village, just beyond the canyon.

Mata Nui: Man, your villages here have really stupid names. If you ask me, Tajun should've been the Jungle Village. Then it'd be easier to remember: Tajun, Tajungle.

Director: director.gif

(Metus is seen talking to Fero and Ernesto the Bone Hunters.)

Director: :burnmad:

Metus: Ha! See? I didn't screw it up this time.

(I mean, the mysterious stranger who may or may not be --)

Director: director.gif

Metus: The Glatorian are heading for Tajun. You know what to do.

Fero: Alright, you get the top hats, and I'll get the tap shoes.

Metus: No! You're supposed to kill them!

Ernesto: Really? Oh sweet! I love how LEGO's done away with its no violence policy.

Fero: But we get to do our song and dance routine after we beat them, right? ... Right?

(Metus chooses to ignore him and walks away. Meanwhile, back in Sandray Canyon, the Thornatus continues driving along and runs over something else, which everyone once again continues to ignore. As they drive away from Takua's doubly flattened body, which incidentally looked like it had been placed there by the Director --)

Director: :lookaround:

(Everyone looks around the canyon suspiciously.)

Ackar: I don't like this.

Kiina: I know! Like the wallpaper totally clashes with the curtains.

Click: Huh... I kind of thought one of the male characters was going to pull the girly thing --

Ackar: Like oh my gosh! It doesn't even go with my nails!

Click: I stand corrected...

Ackar: This canyon's ideal for an ambush.

Kiina: Please! Even Bone Hunters aren't dumb enough to take on three Glatorian.

Director: Oh, trust me, they're pretty dumb...

Ackar: They're getting bolder! Skrall too. Oh hey, a pun. Since "bolder" sounds like "boulder" and the Skrall work for the Rock Tribe.

Everyone Else: :glare:

Ackar: In the past months, they seem to know our every move.

Kiina: True, but don't worry, it's not like we have much worth stealing. Well, maybe Mata Nui does.

Click: Wait, you mean he has the money to pay for my house that he smushed?!

Kiina: I meant his blade, bug face! I can't believe I'm talking to an insect.

Ackar: Hey, now, they might actually want to steal him. The going price for Scarabax body parts is actually pretty high on the black market these days.

Click: :OMG:

Mata Nui: When an enemy knows too much, it can only mean one thing. A mind-reader! ... Or a traitor...

Ackar: I was thinking the same thing.

Mata Nui: NOT YOU TOO! :OMG:

Ackar: But who?

(Suddenly the ground begins to shake.)

Kiina: I think we've got a bigger problem!

(A giant Skopio rises from the sand, glaring angrily at the passengers in the Thornatus.)

Skopio: "A bigger problem"?! Are you calling me fat?!

Ackar: Skopio!

(After Ackar states the obvious, Kiina steers like mad to turn them around and avoid being crushed by its giant limbs.)

Mata Nui: We should turn back!

Ackar: Can't! They're even deadlier!

(He points to a pack of five Bone Hunters charging towards them on Rock Steeds.)

Mata Nui: Deadlier than the giant sand monster? Yeah, okay there...

Kiina: My village! There's another Glatorian there!

Mata Nui: Good thinking, we can feed him to the sand monster!

Kiina: No, I meant he could help us in this fight.

Mata Nui: Look, unless he's ten metres tall and shoots lasers from his eyes, I really think he's going to be more use as monster-food.

Kiina: Forget it. :glare: Just got to make it through! Hang on! Tight!

Ackar: Hey! I'm the oldest here! You can't tell me what to --

(Despite Kiina's evasive steering, the Skopio manages to flip them out of the Thornatus.)

Kiina: I warned you.

Ackar: :glare:

Mata Nui: Help Kiina, I'll draw the beast away from you.

Ackar: Good luck... sucker... :sly:

Mata Nui: Alright, Click, ready?

Click: Wait, ready for wha--

(Mata Nui transforms Click into a shield once more and runs off to face the Skopio. Meanwhile, Kiina and Ackar fare well against the Bone Hunters, managing to knock several of them off their Rock Steeds.)

Ernesto: Ow, okay, changed my mind. Can we please reinstate the no violence poli--

(Ackar does another one of his famous impossible flips and body checks him to the ground, knocking him out cold. The Skopio starts advancing on Mata Nui. He manages to dodge its pincers and limbs, but he is hit in the back by its Thornax.)

Mata Nui: You know, I used to think growing explosive fruit on the island on my face was funny... Not so much any more...

Kiina: Mata Nui! We're finished unless we can make it to my village.

Mata Nui: Try and get to the chariot. I have an idea.

Click: Does your idea involve learning that that's not even close to what a chariot looks like? :glare:

(Mata Nui, whose idea had nothing to do with learning the proper names of things, grabs onto the Skopio's leg and has it pull him up onto its back. There, he takes control of its Thornax launcher and fires on the Bone Hunters, allowing Kiina and Ackar to run to the Thornatus. She drives straight towards the Skopio, causing the Bone Hunters to follow her. The Skopio knocks Mata Nui off its back and onto an out cropping that looks just like Pride Rock. After knocking Rafiki and Simba aside, he activates the... rock slicing power... of his sword and stabs the rock face, causing it to crumble down onto the Skopio and the Bone Hunters.)

Kiina: Going to be close!

(Kiina managed to drive through just in time. The Skopio and Bone Hunters are not so lucky. All are crushed by rocks, even poor Wilhelm.)

Wilhelm: *Screams.*

Kiina: Where's...

Ackar: There!

(They both look up to see Mata Nui surfing down the side of the canyon on his shield.)

Click: MY FACE!!! :crying:

(Mata Nui kickflips and lands on the Thornatus.)

Click: Oh man, that is going to leave a mark...

Ackar: Gutsiest move I've ever seen... Or I guess, "guts-less-iest" move, since you managed to do that without having your guts splayed everywhere... You know, I think I'm just going to lay off the one-liners for a bit...

Kiina: Yes! Those Bone Hunters are going to be eating Skopio belly for weeks. Not bad, other-worlder.

Mata Nui: Hey! What did I say about using that word?! :mad:

Ackar: *gasps* Kiina!

Kiina: What?

(But what it was, the audience would never... ah, forget it. Would it kill the DVD makers to have these chapters end at points that make sense?!)

Takua: Hey, wait a sec... the heroes drive through the desert on a strange vehicle and the ground starts to shake and they're attacked by ferocious creatures and a band of villains known as Hunters? I've definitely seen this movie before!

Director: director.gif

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 7- Joined Forces

(Everyone is riding out of the canyon on the Thornatus.)

Kiina: No!

Mata Nui: Is that --

Ackar: Tajun. It's Kiina's village.

Mata Nui: Funny... it looks like a rock to me.

Ackar: No, it's behind the rock.

Mata Nui: You're behind the rock!

Ackar: :glare:

(They quickly drive up to a big trench in a massive rock face that leads to the village. Remembering Dory's advice, they decide to swim through it, rather than over it. They rush in and see the ruined village with several smashed huts.)

Mata Nui: Oh my gosh... We've wandered onto the set of Ta-Koro after it got trashed in Mask of Light!

Director: :lookaround:

Ackar: Well, looks like the Agori got away.

Mata Nui: Or their bodies are the source of those smouldering fires.

Ackar: :mad:

Mata Nui: Just saying!

Kiina: The village! Our homes! This is my fault!

Mata Nui: :blink: You did all this?! *Whispers loudly to Click.* Memo to us: don't anger the blue one.

Kiina: No, I meant that I should've been here to help. Where's Tarix? And Gresh? We had a training session today.

Ackar: So what you're saying is that all this could've been avoided IF YOU WEREN'T SO BUSY BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE!

Kiina: He's just a rookie. He wouldn't have been prepared for the job of a Champion or Ultimate level --

Director: :burnmad: If you thought that I'd call out Click on his lame Pokémon reference and let you pass on your even lamer Digimon one, you were sadly mistaken!

Ackar: There!

(Everyone turns to see Gresh slowly walking towards them, clutching his arm in pain.)

Kiina: Gresh! He's hurt!

Gresh: It's only a skin wound.

Everyone else: :mellow:

Gresh: What?

Ackar: You're supposed to say "it's only a flesh wound".

Gresh: But... it's just a skin wound.

Ackar: No, it's from Monty Python. It's a really obvious clichéd joke.

Gresh: Yeah, never heard of Monty Python before.

Director: So no lame jokes out of the green one? You and I shall be friends. :)

(Upon seeing the Director's creepy and extremely out of character smile, Gresh chokes and starts coughing.)

Ackar: Easy son. Easy.

Gresh: You're my father?

Ackar: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Gresh: What are you talking about?

Ackar: Oh come on! Star Wars?

Gresh: Yeah, never seen that either.

Ackar: Someone get this kid a DVD player. :glare:

Gresh: I'm fine. I'll be fine. Oh. *He collapses under his own weight.*

Kiina: Just shut up and let us help you.

Director: Or just shut up. One out of two works for me.

Mata Nui: We need to get out of sight. Your cavern!

Kiina: Right. The entrance is this way.

(Mata Nui and Ackar start carrying Gresh the wrong way.)

Kiina: Sorry, I meant you're right, it's right on the left, right?

Ackar and Mata Nui: :dazed:

Gresh: Skrall... Bone Hunters... working together.

Ackar: Impossible. They're rival tribes.

Gresh: No! Kiina, I watched them destroy your village.


Gresh: Hey, it's not my village. *He suddenly collapses again.*

Kiina: Gresh! He isn't...

Ackar: He's still alive.

Mata Nui: But not for long. :evilgrin:

Everyone else: :blink:

Mata Nui: Erm, I meant, not for long if that savage sees us.

(Everyone turns to see Tuma marching through the mist with a legion of Bone Hunters behind him.)

Kiina: Tuma? Leader of the Skrall?

Director: No, the other Tuma. :glare:

Ackar: What the boy says is true. Bone Hunters have joined forces with the Skrall... Though, to be honest, Bone Hunters and Rock Agori are pretty much identical, plus it's really misty right now and hard to see... You know, it would probably make a lot more sense to verify that there actually is a united front bent on wiping us out before causing mass panic... Oh well. :)

(They continue along until they come to the entrance of Kiina's cavern.)

Kiina: They won't find us in here.

Mata Nui: Hey, I hate to point out the obvious, but do you think we should maybe turn off that giant neon sign that says "HEY TUMA! WE'RE HIDING OVER HERE!"?

Kiina: That's just what they'd expect us to do!

Mata Nui: Right...

(Kiina touches a portion of the wall with her weapon and a hexagonal shape retreats into the wall, causing the pieces of the stone structure to rearrange themselves, causing a doorway to open up.)

Ackar: Oh my gosh! It's Diagon Alley!

Kiina: No, it's my cave...

Ackar: I knew that...

Gresh: What's Diagon--?


(Everyone proceeds to walk inside.)

Kiina: This way.

Mata Nui: Thanks, Sherlock. :glare:

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 8- Familiar Symbol


(Ackar and Mata Nui are carrying Gresh while following Kiina through the tunnel. Hexagonal Matoran writing is on the wall.)


Mata Nui: Wait. These glyphs. I --


Kiina: Later. First we have to take care of Gresh. The cavern is just ahead.


Mata Nui: :mad: You did NOT just interrupt me. You know what? I bet they're detailed instructions on how to heal a Glatorian, but I guess we'll never know now will we?


Ackar: Do they really say that?


Mata Nui: :lol: No. It's hard to tell from the resolution for this part, but it looks like gibberish. I'm sure we'll find some humorous Easter Eggs later on in the movie.


Ackar: :blink:


(They arrive in the cavern, where they see strange structures containing different environments.)


Ackar: Look at this.


Mata Nui: Incredible.


Kiina: Each chamber contains elements that were once plentiful on the surface of Bara Magna.


Mata Nui: Is there one for the element of surprise?


Kiina: :glare:


Mata Nui: Well that would explain why nobody won the war...


(They walk into the centre of the cavern.)


Kiina: Lay him down over there.


(They place Gresh on a stone pedestal... which looks suspiciously like the Stone Table from the Chronicles of Narnia... Suddenly, they hear what the subtitles describe as a "thudding". Ackar draws his sword.)


Ackar: Show yourself! Now!


Berix: Okay, okay, okay. Look, everything's fine, okay. It's just me, Berix. The comic relief and obligatory short person for your group.


Kiina: You filthy little thief! I told you if I ever caught you down here again I'd --


(She swipes at Berix but he dodges.)


Berix: Oh, hey. This place doesn't belong to you. And, hey, look, I am not a thief. I am a collector. *He looks up at Mata Nui.* Ooh, I like that mask. Can I have it, I just wanna...


Mata Nui: Sure... just put it on your face. :sly:


Director: You are aware that if he takes off your mask you die, right?


Mata Nui: Curses...


Kiina: Come here, you!


Berix: You know, I have a right to collect anything I want.


Ackar: Actually, you don't. According to the Bara Magna Charter of Rights and Freedoms... *Ackar takes out a pair of grandma half-moon reading glasses on a chain around his neck and proceeds to read a scroll.* Berix does not have the right to collect anything he wants.


Berix: Well, that's what I get for "collecting" the original Charter... Oh well, I'm still going to collect things.


Kiina: Oh yeah?!


(Kiina starts chasing Berix around Mata Nui. Ackar sighs in annoyance.)


Gresh: I'm still dying here, by the way.


Berix: You know, it's just junk no one wants anyways.


Kiina: Then why do you want it?


Berix: 'Cause I like fixing things. And I'm really good at it, too. I mean, come on, who do you think got the lights working, huh?


Kiina: I was wondering about that...


Director: Um... The gaffer did it.


Berix: My old gaffer did no such thing!


Director: You are not a Hobbit! :mad:


Berix: Then how do you explain me teaming up with a bunch of taller people to go on a perilous quest?


Director: :glare:


Click: Whoa, I hate to interrupt, but does anyone else see this? The short blue guy and the big red guy have the same heads!


Berix: Hey! You've got a --


Ackar and Kiina: He knows!


Berix: He knows he has an ugly face? Wow, poor guy.


Mata Nui: :mad: ... Ever fix an injured Glatorian?


Kiina: No way! He's not touching Gresh... He's mine. :wub:


Griina Shippers: :OMG:


Gresh: Still dying, by the way.


Ackar: The boy needs help, Kiina. I mean, seriously. WHO HASN'T SEEN STAR WARS?!


Berix: Well, I've had to patch myself up a few times. *A bolt falls out of his arm.* Touchy...


Kiina: Yeah, like every time you've been pounded on for stealing!


Berix: Collecting! Maybe you should let me work on your ears next, Kiina.


Kiina: What?


Berix: Ha, very funny.


Kiina: What? ... What?


(Berix sifts through his bag and pulls out a pocket-... scalpel?  Kiina, however, grabs his arm and pulls him close.)


Kiina: He better pull through. You got that?


Berix: Great. No pressure. Now... if only I could remember what I've seen on House...


(Ackar pulls Kiina aside.)


Kiina: What if he's the traitor?


Ackar: Then he'll pay... It's like a fifty dollar fine for being a traitor. Says so in the Charter right here. :lookhere:


Kiina: Oh shut up, Ackar. You just wanted an excuse to use that weird emoticon.


Ackar: :afro:


(Mata Nui looks at the BIONICLE symbol on the wall.)


Kiina: Something wrong?


Mata Nui: I don't know. There's a familiarity about this place... It must be all those hexagons. Like seriously, why is everything a hexagon?!


Ackar: It must've been created by the old rulers of Bara Magna.


Kiina: Great Beings.


Mata Nui: The Great Beings were here?


Kiina: Great Destroyers is more like it.


Mata Nui: Why do you speak against the Great Beings? Them's fightin' words!


Kiina: Because they wrecked our world, that's why. This was Bara Magna before the Great Beings left us here to rot. *She points to the Jungle Room.*


Ackar: You have no proof of this, Kiina. They could've just as easily ended up buried in the ruins. Please continue in the Official Great Beings Topic. Topic closed.


Mata Nui: No, the Great Beings did not fall here. That much I am sure of. *He turns to the symbol once more.* What is beyond this?


Kiina: No idea. Never been able to get it open.


(Berix is fiddling with what looks like a long, green vine.)


Berix: Yeah, me neither. But I bet there's something good through there, huh?


Kiina: Keep dreaming! And pay attention to what you're doing, thief!


Gresh: Can I have my small intestine back now?


Mata Nui: I recognize this symbol... almost as though it's been associated with everything that's ever had anything to do with me...


(He proceeds to touch it and then both the symbol and his mask start glowing. A doorway opens up, revealing a dark tunnel.)


Kiina: And no, it isn't the Chamber of Secrets.


Ackar: :(

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 9- Elemental Power

(Mata Nui, Kiina, and Ackar descend the staircase they have just unveiled and enter into a dark chamber with fluorescent green Matoran writing on the walls. They examine the room curiously.)

Ackar: What is all this?

Kiina: Quite obviously we're in the secret headquarters of the Glowing Graffiti Group.

Ackar: :cry: Not the GGG! They will decrease the property values of our neighbourhoods with their cryptic glowing madness!

Mata Nui: It looks like this could've been some sort of laboratory.

Kiina: Glowing writing on the wall and you pick laboratory over GGG headquarters. Alright there. :glare:

Mata Nui: Gasp! It cannot be!

Ackar: What's wrong! It sounded like you lost your ability to act with the delivery of that last line! And you look like you've seen a ghost.

Kiina: Do we even believe in ghosts?

GregF: Probably not. Doesn't sound like the sort of thing LEGO would allow.

Kiina: Alright, cool. Guess I won't have to call Jennifer Love Hewitt or the Ghost Busters.

Director: Whoa, you have Jennifer Love Hewitt's number?! Could I --

Kiina: No. :mad:

Director: :( ... Hey wait, I'm supposed to be the angry one! I'll just have to redeem myself later on in the comedy...

Ackar: So like I said before, you look like you've just seen a ghost.

Mata Nui: I have.

(They all look at the massive mural diagram of the Mata Nui robot body.)

Kiina: You know that thing?

Mata Nui: Yes. A gigantic mechanical being. Just like the one now enslaving my people.

Makuta: How about exactly like the one now enslaving your people? And what about the part where that's your body? Come on, I can understand lying in the narration to complete strangers, but these guys are your friends. What kind of an example does that set for children?

Mata Nui: :blink: How are you even here?

Makuta: Um... magic. *He vanishes in a puff of confetti, which the Director forces Vakama to clean up, since he hasn't really been in any of the chapters recently.*

Kiina: Wait! You think the Great Beings had something to do with it!

Mata Nui: No. The responsibility lies on my shoulders alone... as pointy and ridiculous as they are... This place, these symbols. We are on the right track.

(Much to the chagrin of curious fans, they decide not to look for clues or reveal nothing else about the Great Beings, and the scene cuts to outside the secret lab, with Fero and Ernesto the Bone Hunters.)

Ernesto: Why'd I get a dumb name like Ernesto anyway? Why couldn't it have been some clever pun about your name and how it sounds like "Pharaoh"?

Fero: A clever pun? Like what?

Ernesto: Well... erm... uh...

Fero: Exactly.

Ernesto: And another thing. Why is it always us two whenever they show Bone Hunters?

Fero: Always two, there are.

Ernesto: Of course...

Fero: So, did you want to practice our song and dance rou--

(Ackar sneaks up behind them and bashes their heads together. He then dusts off his hands.)

Ackar: Man, I just saved us all from a whole lot of stuff we did not want to see.

Kiina: You have all the fun. I get the next two.

Ackar: You can have them.

Mata Nui to Click: Okay, let me correct that previous memo. Watch out for the blue one AND the red one. They seem to have a very unhealthy thirst for violence, like the protagonist of a Redwall book...

Ackar: Let's move. We need to warn the villages about the Skrall and Bone Hunters uniting.

Kiina: And that we've got a traitor on the inside. Well, at least we think we do. They might just have really good strategies, but I think it would be better if we jumped to conclusions to heighten the panic.

(Mata Nui and Berix help Gresh over to them.)

Mata Nui: How are you holding up?

Gresh: I'm fine, thanks to Berix.

Berix: No problem. By the way, the Tesara government doesn't pay for your health care, so my assistant has mailed you my several hundred thousand dollar bill.

Gresh: Great. :glare: But I could use a new weapon. Skrall shredded my blade.

Mata Nui: That blade? The one that's fully intact and that you're holding right now?

Gresh: No, genius, my other one.

Mata Nui: Well what do you mean "shredded"? What was it made of, paper?

Gresh: Maybe... yes. :(

Kiina: New weapon? Get in line.

Berix: *He reaches for Kiina's trident.* I might be able to...

Kiina: *She swipes it away from him.* Don't even think about it. Only I get the weapon with a brand of gum named after it!

Berix: What about Water Sword gum?

Kiina: No such thing. :glare:

Berix: Oh yeah...

Mata Nui: I am sorry about your weapons, but I must continue my journey.

Gresh: What? You're not going to help us?

Mata Nui: I have my own battles to fight... plus, you're all either dangerously insane or embarrassingly ignorant of popular culture.

Ackar: Trust me, Mata Nui, I've seen you fight. You're not ready.

Mata Nui: I've saved your life twice, once taking out a seasoned gladiator and the second time single-handedly taking out a giant monster and a band of armed thieves riding sharks with legs. HOW IS THAT NOT READY?!?!

Ackar: Stay, and I'll teach you everything I know.

Click: Plus, you're probably going to need all the help you can get if you're going to be fighting your old robot body. Maybe even a robot body of your own! Nah, that's stupid...

Ackar: Wait. What you did with the Vorox tail and Click. Could it work with these? *They all show Mata Nui their weapons.*

Mata Nui: I don't know. This mask gave me new life, but I still don't completely understand its power. I think it only works on things that are or were alive.

Berix: No problem. Most Glatorian weapons are made of bone or claw.

Kiina: Collected a few, have you?

Berix: So funny... okay, yes I have. :lookaround:

Mata Nui: Man, the animals you've got here have some messed up bones... Well, it's worth a try. *He takes Ackar's sword and holds it above his head.* Together as one mind.

Director: Are you trying to mind meld with that sword?

Mata Nui: Oh right, I'm a different kind of alien...

(The Mask of Life begins the glow along with Ackar's sword.)

Kiina: It's working!

Mata Nui: :glare: Thanks again, Sherlock.

(Ackar takes his sword back and unleashes a powerful stream of flame from it.)

Ackar: What in the...?

Mata Nui: Of course! Fire is your elemental power. The Mask of Life has simply ignited it. You have become a true Toa... well apart from the whole mask thing, but the powers for some of those are just ridiculous. I mean, come on. Possibilities? What kind of a power is that?! :mad:

(Ackar walks up to Mata Nui and lays a hand on his shoulder.)

Ackar: Thank you, friend.

Mata Nui: Strange. I have worn many titles, been called a lot of things -- many of which are blocked by the word filter -- but never friend. *He too places a hand on Ackar's shoulder.*

Kiina: Me next!

Mata Nui: Alright, give me your weapon.

Kiina: What? No, I thought we were giving each other shoulder rubs.

(Mata Nui awkwardly lets go of Ackar's shoulder and the two edge away from each other.)

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Chapter 10- Fancy Weapons

(Gresh, Kiina, Ackar, Mata Nui, Berix, and Click are all riding on the Thornatus. They soon come to several rock structures, including one that looks like a long-neck --)

Director: :glare: Seriously? A Land Before Time joke?! You are just grasping at straws here.

Gresh: What's Land --


(Okay, fine. They soon come to several rock structures that have nothing to do with popular culture.)

Gresh: Unfair! I score this clawed-out new blade, Mata Nui tells me I've got awesome Toa powers, but none of you will even let me test them out.

Ackar: It's because we hate you. Also "clawed-out"?

Gresh: Yeah, all the cool kids are saying it.

Ackar: No they are not. :mad:

Gresh: :( I'm saying it...

Ackar: And this is why we hate you.

Kiina: So you want to test out your weapons? You mean like this?

(Kiina leaps into the air and fires a jet of water at a nearby boulder, sending it directly into their path and forcing them to come to a screeching halt.)

Click: Weird... for being made of sand, this road sounds suspiciously like pavement...

Gresh: Oh, come on! Just a little test?

Mata Nui: There we go, you're a nerd; another reason for us to hate you.

Gresh: Not that kind of test. :glare:

Ackar: Patience is the first lesson in becoming a great Glatorian. Patients, however, are the first lesson in becoming a great doctor. Interesting...

Kiina: Oh, I think this is pretty great!

(She twirls her Vapour Trident a few times before firing a jet of water from it -- wait... how do you fire water? -- Anyway, Ackar jumps in to block her water with a stream of fire -- once again, stream of fire being a bit of an oxymoron -- from his Flame Sword... for some reason... They continue this unexplained battle for some time, neither side prevailing.)

Kiina: Guess it's a standoff!

Mata Nui: Thanks Sher--

Director: :glare: Okay, that's enough. That joke's getting old.

Mata Nui: You're getting old.

Director: You're over 100 000 years old and you are the youngest person in the cast. I am NOT old! :mad:

(A sudden gust of wind stops their battle. They turn to see that Gresh is the source of it.)

Gresh: Ha, ha, ha! Looks like I can blow you both away.

Kiina: Better yet, why not combine them? That's an original idea in this franchise, isn't it?

Director: :lookaround:

Ackar: Enough! There's more to winning than fancy weapons. And let me tell you, Mata Nui here isn't the only one who could use a few tips.

Mata Nui: Once again, saved your life twice... Just throwing that out there...

(Berix starts laughing at them.)

Berix: Yeah, he totally got -- *Kiina smacks him onto the ground* Ow! Ouch! Landed on my keys...

Ackar: Stop it, both of you. Pay attention, and you might actually learn something. Like this!

(He pulls out his Flame Sword and attacks Mata Nui, who barely manages to block in time and stumbles back into Kiina, knocking Click onto her. Berix, Kiina, Gresh, and Click quickly take down the following note: "Lesson one: Attack the yellow guy".)

Ackar: Learn to read your opponent's next move before it happens.


Gresh: :(

(Kiina suddenly spots Click on her arm.)

Kiina: Ugh!

Click: Once again! I'm a more popular character than you!

Kiina: I'm warning you, I'll bite back.

Click: Okay, memo to me: take Mata Nui's memos more seriously...

(Ackar picks up Click.)

Click: You're crushing my hemocoel...

Ackar: Study their fighting style, find their weakness, then use it against them.

(He throws Click back to Mata Nui.)

Click: Oh unnecessarily pointy shoulder, how I have missed you.

Ackar: If you can!

(The scene ends and the Director massages his temples over Ackar's poor line delivery only to have his headache exasperated by Takua.)

Takua: Whoa, déjà vu all over again... The fire character and water character are fighting each other for no adequately explained reason and then the air character swoops in to save the day. Also, there's some short guy with a blue face running around throughout all this... I have totally seen this movie before!

Director: director.gif

Gresh: So wait, what movie were you referring to? Is this that Trek Wars or Monty Adder?

Ackar: director.gif

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Chapter 11- Old Friends

(Once again, our brave heroes set out on their Thornatus, which seems to be how they start every DVD chapter. It's also day time, by the way. Probably should've mentioned that the previous chapter was at night. Then again, night on this planet looks so darn freaky that it's hard to --)

Director: director.gif

Mata Nui: Where are we? The narration didn't have time to specify.

Ackar: Twin villages of Tesara, just over this dune. Also, they have always been twin villages and it was not something that was just randomly added to this movie without any prior explanation.

Tuma: You got that right. Man, my back is definitely my weak point for reasons that sure are made clear before the movie and not several months after it is released.

Director: Okay, we get it. The setup on this film had a few holes. :mad: And another thing, why do the villains keep popping up unexplained and barging into conversations?!

Tuma: I'd hardly call myself a villain... Heck, the Tarduk clone extras get more screen time than me!

Director: Just go. :glare:

Tuma: Don't even get me started on these wing things on my back.

Director: :burnmad:

(As Tuma prances daintily away, the group drives over the dune towards the jungle villages, where they are greeted by the best background music in the whole film. They stop the vehicle just outside an arena and all hop off.)

Gresh: It's good to be home. Ooh! Sounds like a Glatorian battle's about to start.

Ackar: Not if I can help it.

Gresh: Wow, you must be really bad at helping out with battles, then.

Ackar: :glare:

Kiina: Why so jumpy, thief? Rip someone off around here? Or just looking for a Skrall spy to tell our plan to?

Berix: Can't it be both?

Kiina: :o

Berix: No, I'm just messing with you... what plan, though?

Kiina: The plan... where... the one with... the... Shoot, we don't actually have a plan, do we?

Berix: Yeah, I'm still unclear why you guys are so worried about a traitor selling your information when in reality, YOU GUYS HAVE NO INFORMATION WORTH KNOWING!

Kiina: Just the sort of thing a traitor or a thief would say...

Berix: I am not a traitor or a thief! But, you know, I have done a little collecting around here, so I'd best just lay low and just -- Hey! *He spots some shield-like thing lying on the ground nearby* Ooh, I do like that. Look at it. Pretty. *Kiina slaps his hand away.* Ow! Would you stop it?!

Kiina: This is not the time, Berix! Stealing Time is at 09:37!

Berix: Hey, if you look at that time upside down on a digital clock...

(Kiina sighs in annoyance and storms off. Berix proceeds to run off, himself, but he suddenly stops, mutters something about the precious, and runs back to grab the shield.)

Berix: Yoink!

(And runs off. Meanwhile, Gresh, Mata Nui, and Ackar approach the village leaders in the the Tesara Arena.)

Metus: I told you, Raanu, pitting Vastus against Tarix would pack them in.

Raanu: Pack them into what? A box?

Metus: The arena, I guess. Not really the appropriate use of that idiom, since to "pack in" usually means to give up... Man, i wishes i speeked the good englishing.

Raanu: What exactly am I doing in this village anyhow; watching a match between two Glatorian, neither of which work for me? Shouldn't I be running my own village at the moment?

Director: :shrugs:

Metus: Hope this means you're ready to -- *He suddenly spots the newcomers.* What a surprise! Welcome, old friends! Isn't this great? A sold-out crowd!

Ackar: It's over!

Raanu: Over? Man, that was short. The matches at this village are laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Ackar: :glare:

Raanu: What is he talking about, Metus?

Metus: Ha, ha, ha... Ackar, with all due respect, you have no authority here. And you're too late.

Raanu: Technically, we have no authority here either...

Metus: Not for long. :evilgrin:

Raanu: :blink:

Metus: Is what I would be saying if I were plotting to take over the planet... Which I'm not... Most likely... Okay, only a little...

Director: annoyed2.gif

(While Metus digs himself a deeper hole, Vastus and Tarix enter the arena to the chants of their fans. They begin the fight with a few inaccurate Thornax shots before throwing their launchers away and charging toward each other for hand to hand combat... They fight each other for a few seconds, then the chapter ends...)

Director: :mad: Who designed this DVD? It's got like twice as many chapters as the other movies and they all cut off at the weirdest places. Man... people are not going to like this chapter...

Takua: Are you just saying that as an excuse for people not liking this so that they'll blame it on the DVD makers rather than SPIRIT's sub-par writing?

SPIRIT: director.gif

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 12- Fighting Together

(Ackar leaps onto some random log things -- which probably doesn't help much since that pretty much describes the whole village -- and proceeds to interrupt the match.)

Ackar: Fighting between Glatorian must stop! Our real enemy is out there, massing as I speak!

Raanu: Massing? So our enemy is a big, fat guy?

Ackar: :glare:

Raanu: Oh, right. I'm sorry. "Obese."

Ackar: annoyed2.gif

(Metus rushes up to Ackar and grabs his ankle.)

Metus: Wait! What are you doing?

Ackar: Thwarting the evil plan of the traitor who's been selling us out to our enemies.

Metus: Man, if that guy were here, which he totally isn't, he'd probably be freaking out and grabbing your ankle or something. *Metus quickly lets go of Ackar's ankle and makes as though he were tying Ackar's shoe.*

Ackar: But I don't wear any --


Tarduk Clone 684: Mind your own business, you old fool!

Ackar: Hey! I am not old! :mad: ... Or a pool!

Metus Clone 291: Yeah, sit down!

Director: Wow, you'd think I could find extras that could act better than these guys... Like literally, I could probably find better people off the street or build up hype for the movie and fulfil some kids' dreams by hosting a contest for fans on a popular forum site devoted to the series to play these minor roles. Nah, what am I saying? That's a stupid idea.

(Tarix and Vastus stop their battle in the stadium below.)

Tarix: Silence! Let him talk!

Vakama: You're British too? Well, enjoy it while you can, old age does not treat us well... *He returns to his copy of People With Unibrows and Made-Up Exotic-Sounding Accents Monthly.*

Vastus: I agree. Speak, Ackar... Well, that's literally all I do in this movie. So I guess I'll see you guys in movie five.

Director: Actually...

Vastus: MY LIFE IS A SHAM! :crying:

Ackar: Thank you, Vastus. And you, Tarix. Listen to me, everyone! Bone Hunters and Skrall have formed an alliance!

Raanu: Like a Rebel Alliance?

Darth Vader: That's the worst kind! :cry:

Kiina: *Jumps up beside Ackar.* It's true! They destroyed our village, Tarix.

Tarix: Impossible! I already did that mysel-- Erm, I mean. Oh no, how could they have done such a thing?! :lookaround:

Gresh: *Jumps up to join Ackar and Kiina.* Kiina speaks the truth! Tajun is gone and it's just the beginning.

Tarix: Hey, didn't we leave you to guard Tajun?

Gresh: Weren't you supposed to be there to help me?

Tarix: ... Well played.

Ackar: We must unite, not fight each other! Time is running out!

Tarduk Clone 416: There's no way we can stand up to the Bone Hunters! We need chairs!

Raanu Clone 647: The Skrall are too powerful!

Raanu Clone 1-- I mean the actual Raanu: Calm yourselves! Your village leaders know what is best for you! We will do as we always have.

Mata Nui: Aren't you the only village leader here, though?

Raanu: Precisely. :evilgrin: No, just kidding. Nah, I'm sure that some of these random extras are the other village leaders... probably...

Director: :shrugs:

Mata Nui: Your old ways will not work. You are facing a united army now. They will not stop until your people are destroyed... or if an ancient army of robotic shapeshifters manages to finish them off first, but let's be realistic here.

Metus: This is crazy. Let's everyone just think!

Director: Yeah, not sure that falls under anyone's skill sets here...

Raanu: We have no weapons -- except, you know, those weapons we clearly have that come with every set. How can we fight back?

Ackar: Enough!

(Ackar fires a giant stream of fire from his Flame Sword straight up into the air to silence the crowd.)

Mata Nui: Wow, you've had fire powers for like an hour and you're already more powerful than Tahu.

Tahu: I could totally shoot a giant stream of fire from my sword... I just prefer to heat the ground instead.

Mata Nui: You just keep telling yourself that.

(The crowd stares at them in silence.)

Kiina: Yeah, we thought that might get your attention. If that didn't work, I was going to try making out with a member of the main cast, but I guess that'll never happen.

Kiina Shippers: :(

Ackar: Toa Mata Nui has offered to help us build up our defences.

Raanu: Why should we trust this stranger?

Mata Nui: Because my face is on the front of the DVD box. :)

Raanu: Isn't there a Skrall there too?

Mata Nui: director.gif

Ackar: Tarix, give Mata Nui your weapon.

Tarix: Good luck, Princess Bladessa. You're all grown up now and leaving me. :crying:

Director: Okay, everyone, just stop naming your weapons. It's getting annoying... and creepy...

(Tarix throws his blade up to Ackar, who passes it to Mata Nui, who fakes to Kiina then goes long to Gresh who fumbles it, costing them the game. Mata Nui then picks up the Water Blade and holds it firmly in his hands.)

Tarix: What are you going to do?

Mata Nui: I'm totally selling this on eBay... erm, I mean show you the power you already possess, by which I actually mean pretend to restore your sword, while secretly giving you magical water powers.

GregF: The fact that Mata Nui is lying to them and is actually giving powers to them and not their weapons is vital! This distinction really matters and we can't just go with what the movie says at all just to simplify things!

Mata Nui: Just keep telling yourself that...

(A blinding flash of light emanates from the Ignika.)

Tarix: I don't believe it.

Mata Nui: Good, 'cause I haven't really done anything yet. I was just messing with you. :P

(Mata Nui transforms the blade for real and tosses it down to Tarix, who marvels at it.)

Tarix: It's... it's incredible!

LEGO Set Designers: Yeah, we know. B-)

Ackar: What more proof do you need?

Raanu: You got any DNA evidence or fingerprints?

Ackar: Um... no.

Raanu: Curses, all that tax money wasted on CSI: Bara Magna for nothing...

Ackar: The time to unite the villages has come! For some reason, I speak both metaphorically and literally, since the latter is clearly the most practical option... not. :glare:

Raanu: No! Wait, wait! If we agree, do the Glatorians and Mata Nui swear to stay and protect us?

(As he turns around, he sees that everyone's gone.)

Mata Nui: *Comes out of hiding along with everyone else.* Nah, just kidding. Could you IMAGINE? :lol:

Ackar: You do not need to ask for the allegiance of the Glatorian.

Raanu: Wait, I thought "Glatorians" was the plural.

Ackar: Don't you not put the S on plural BIONICLE words?

Raanu: But they did it in the commercial...

Everyone: Greg?

GregF: What? Oh... uh... *He shuffles through his notes and finds a cue card, which he proceeds to read off of.* I'm not allowed to discuss future storyline.

Everyone else: :blink:

Ackar: But we cannot speak for you. *He gestures to Mata Nui.* I will not pretend I have anything left to teach you -- which, given all the times you've saved my life, took a lot of pretending to begin with -- but I'll ask, as a friend. Help us.

Mata Nui: Then as a friend, I will stay... if you pay me ten dollars.

(Everyone cheers and holds hands as cheesily as they can.)

Glatorians (Hey, the subtitles added an S, so maybe Ackar is just dumb): We fight together!

Director: Oh, this is too painful to watch. Curse you, writers for the 8-12 demographic and your insistence upon having cheesy parts in movies!

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Chapter 13- Taken Prisoner

(The scene opens on the set of The Lion King, where the Be Prepared musical number was filmed. Berix makes his way through the steam and hyenas while Kiina follows him. After a slow, suspense-building few seconds of them walking through the hot springs -- a few seconds that are next to impossible to really write anything funny about -- Kiina catches up to Berix and grabs him on the shoulder. Berix turns around and gasps.)

Kiina: I have to admit, I was hoping I was wrong. Don't move, traitor!

(Metus suddenly freezes where he is.)

Director: She wasn't talking to you. :mad:

Metus: But she -- Oh right... I'll uh... I'll just wait until I'm actually in this scene, then.

Director: I can hardly wait. :glare:

(Kiina points her Vapour Trident at Berix's neck.)

Berix: What? No! You've got it all wrong! I was following --

Metus: He was following me.

Kiina and Berix: You?!

Metus: Oh shoot, is it showing my name again to indicate that I'm talking? Hate it when that happens...

Kiina: Hey wait, "following"? You guys have Twitter?

Berix: Duh, how else do you follow people? By actually walking? That's crazy talk!

(Bone Hunters start to close in on them and Berix pulls out that weird shield-like thing that he stole from chapter eleven.)

Kiina: Berix!

Audience: *Canned laughter.*

(A title card appears telling everyone that The Berix and Kiina Show will return right after these important messages. Meanwhile, back at the Tesara arena -- since the animators clearly didn't want to waste it or animate a new location -- Ackar is busy testing out his elemental powers by shooting fire offscreen while Mata Nui, Gresh, Tarix, and Vastus watch.)

Random Agori: Okay, I'm sorry! Your head isn't a clone of Berix's, his is a clone of yours! Now stop burning me! :crying:

Metus: Ackar! Mata Nui! The Skrall have kidnapped Kiina and Berix!

Ackar: What? How? It's clearly Bone Hunters or at least Rock Agori that surrounded them in that last scene!

Director: You're not supposed to know that! :mad:

Ackar: Still, though, why is he lying to us?

Metus: I'm the bad guy! I'm supposed to lie.

Ackar: But why would you lie about that? Who cares whether or not the Skrall or the Bone Hunters took them? It's so inconsequential, why even bother?


Raanu: I saw them being dragged away through the hot springs!

Ackar: Wait, how did you see them? I thought Metus was the bad guy.

Raanu: I'm just trying to make it seem like I could be the villain in this movie so that I'm more than just some minor character.

Ackar: Why would ANYONE think you're the traitor? Don't you already rule one of the villages and wasn't that village almost invaded by the Bone Hunters a few weeks ago?

Raanu: Don't rob me of my dreams. :crying:

Mata Nui: We must go after them before they get too far.

Raanu: My dreams?

Mata Nui: No, you minor character! Kiina and Berix! :mad:

Raanu: :(

Gresh: I'm going with you. My wound is healed. I'm ready!

Raanu: No! You can't just leave us! This is what the Bone Hunters want!

Gresh: No, I'm pretty sure they just want to hunt bones...

Raanu: They'll lead you away and then wipe us out like they did in Tajun village.

Tarduk Clone 76: He's right!

Tarduk Clone 183: You have to stay!

Tarduk Clone 292: Yeah!

Tarduk Clone 183: Hey, shut up, 292. You just got here and you're only agreeing to fit in.

Tarduk Clone 292: You're probably right...

Tarduk Clone 183: I hate you. :glare:

Mata Nui: I understand your fear, but we cannot turn our backs on our friends.

Raanu: Kiina is just one Glatorian and the other is a worthless thief!

Tarduk Clone 998: Yeah!

Tarduk Clone 567: Yeah!

Tarduk Clone 183: Stop blindly agreeing with him, you soul-less drones! :mad:

Mata Nui: No one is worth sacrificing, no matter how small... well, except maybe Gresh. He gets pretty small in 2010 and no one really likes him to begin with.

Gresh: Oh come on! I at least know what The Lion King is! :mad:

Ackar: Really, now? :glare:

Gresh: Yeah, that's the one where the mermaid finds the magic lamp in the castle with all the singing furniture, right?

Ackar: annoyed2.gif

Mata Nui: We stand by each other as a team.

Raanu: So you'd leave us defenceless?

Mata Nui: I was once forced to abandon my own people. I will not do it again. Mostly because BIONICLE's ending next year, but also because I'm supposed to have learned a valuable lesson or whatever. The Glatorian will remain here. I will go, alone.

Gresh and Ackar: No! You can't!

Mata Nui: *Holds out a hand to silence them.* We will see each other again... unless that Nui-Jaga from chapter 4 comes back...

Nui-Jaga from Chapter 4: :evilgrin:

Gresh: Let me go with him. He doesn't stand a chance alone.

Ackar: Oh, he's not alone.

Click: Oh hey, guys. I was wondering when you were going to remember I was still here. :)

Ackar: Yeah, the cameraman's going along with him.

Click: You guys all suck. :(

Edited by SPIRIT
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

I remember some bits of various chapters. for example, Tuma saying something to Mata Nui, and MN snarkily replies with a pun on Tuma's name. Tuma then sighs and complains about how he was hoping they'd get through the movie without having to make the Tuma=tumor joke.


Sadly, that's all I can do for right now. :(

Edited by The~1st~Shadow
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~Your friendly, neighborhood Shadow



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  • 3 weeks later...

Let's give it up for @meglatorian for rescuing the final chapters of this comedy from the nether of the Internet.  We now return to our regularly scheduled comedy.

Chapter 14- Linking Villages

(Mata Nui is looking out over Pride Rock while Ackar approaches him, holding some sort of scroll in his hand.)

Ackar: Thought I might find you up here.

Mata Nui: Don't even lie to me. I've been watching you for like two hours. You had absolutely no idea where I was.

Ackar: :(

Mata Nui: Thank you, Ackar, for everything.

Ackar: What do you mean?

Mata Nui: Well, you said everything the light touched was my kingdom --

Ackar: No, no, that was Mufasa. I was one of the hyenas.

Mata Nui: :blink:

Ackar: I should be thanking you.

Mata Nui: For what?

Ackar: Oh, so you haven't noticed that your wallet's missing? Well, never mind, then.

Mata Nui: :glare:

Ackar: Here, this-- this might help. *He presents Mata Nui with the item he's holding.*

Mata Nui: Wow! My very own rolling pin? Now my dreams of becoming a baker are sure to come to fruition! :evilgrin:

Ackar: :glare: No, stupid, it's a scroll. *He unfurls it for Mata Nui to see.*

Mata Nui: Wait, the scrolls on this planet have hydraulic pistons? A scroll isn't even a piece of technology, it's just rolled up paper! What do you need pistons for?!

Ackar: :mad: Do you want to see the map or not?!

Mata Nui: Fine, fine. But for the record, that's gotta be one of the dorkiest things I've ever seen in my life... keeping in mind that I spent the last millennium with Vakama and Takua living on my face.

Ackar: My guess is that they'll be here *he points on the map* at the Skrall base camp. I wish I could go with you. I know, I know, you're ready. Question is, are they?

(Ackar gestures to the Agori working down below, attempting to pull together the robot parts that make up the twin villages of Tesara together using bits of Gresh's intestine.)

Mata Nui: Well, about fifty of them are taking two minutes to do what would've taken the entire population of ancient Egypt an entire lifetime to do, so I'm going to go ahead and say that yes, they are ready.

Gresh: Okay, seriously guys. Can I have my intestine back? It's not funny any more.

Mata Nui: Linking these two villages is a strong start.

Ackar: Let's hope the rest of the villages survive long enough to join us.

(He suddenly clenches his fist and tries to punch Mata Nui, who instinctively blocks him.)

Ackar: You've learned well, friend.

Mata Nui: I had a great teacher... but do that again, and I swear I'll tear your arm right off. :)

(Just then, the Agori finish linking the villages.)

Ackar: The villages have been linked.

Director: Hey, a big round of applause for Mr. Obvious, ladies and gentlemen. :glare:

(Takua starts clapping furiously, but the Director smacks him upside the head. The air is then filled with the sound of rumbling and some of the earth around the giant robot parts falls away, revealing some of the larger structure.)

Mata Nui: Incredible...

Ackar: What is it?

Mata Nui: I'll explain later.

Ackar: You don't actually know, do you?

Mata Nui: Not really, no...

SPIRIT: Wait, that's it?

Director: Yep, chapter's over.

SPIRIT: B- but... nothing happened!

Director: Yeah, well... if it's any consolation, the next chapter is three times as long.

SPIRIT: What have I done to anger the DVD makers? :(

DVD Makers: How about making fun of our movies and the mistakes in our subtitles? :mad:

SPIRIT: Oh right... :lookaround:

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Chapter 15- Finding a Weakness

(The scene opens on the desolate spiked black rocks of the Skrall base camp. Hanging from a cage in the ceiling of the makeshift cave made from the mouth of the Great Beings' prototype robot -- which I guess makes them a uvula -- are Kiina and Berix.)

Kiina: It was my cavern and you should have stayed out of it.

Berix: Oh really? Your cavern? You stole it! You're a thief, just like me!

Kiina: That... No! -- And I swear if you try to pull any more of the Joker's mind tricks from The Dark Knight I will snap your neck... And I thought you said you were a collector, you little weasel.

Berix: Wait, do we even have weasels on this planet?

(Once again, everyone turns to GregF for guidance.)

GregF: I can definitely say that there may or may not be Weasleys on this planet at this current time.

Berix: Um, I asked about weasels.

GregF: Right, those don't appear until the 2012 storyline either -- I mean... um... MATA NUI IS ACTUALLY A ROBOT! kxthbai *GregF quickly runs off before anyone can ask him any more questions*

Everyone else: :blink:

Kiina: So what about you being a collector?

Berix: Now she remembers! How things change when the metal claw is on the other foot!

Kiina: That doesn't even make sense!

Berix: Well, that's because it's an inside joke.


Berix: Ah yes, but we're in prison, aka "the inside".

Kiina: You are so dumb. :glare: Look, that cavern was my secret place --

Berix: Then why the neon sign?

Kiina: I already told you, it's all part of my tactic to throw people off.

Berix: No you didn't -- I wasn't in that scene!

Director: director.gif Hurry up and finish your moronic banter so that we can get to the part where Mata Nui kills Tuma!

Tuma: You mean "knocks Tuma unconscious", right?

Director: Uh, sure...

Kiina: It was my private sanctuary from all the ugliness outside.

Berix: Hey! I was outside your cavern!

Kiina: Your point?

Berix: :(

Kiina: Can you even understand that?

Berix: Yeah. Yeah, I can. You know, look, I've got feelings, too, you know. And by the way, I didn't steal them.

Kiina: No, you just collected them.

(Kiina begins laughing at her own joke and then Berix seemingly joins in, while in reality, he is laughing at her for thinking that she had even made a joke at all.)

Berix: Okay, I admit it. I did steal my feelings. I took them all from Kopaka, leaving him only with a cold, undying hatred for all living things.

Kopaka: Everyone's a moron... especially my closest friends... and especially, especially my enemies... and especially, especially, especially myself... I suppose I would feel stupid right now were it not for the fact that Berix stole that emotion from me too.

Director: This explains so much...

Berix: Did you ever think that maybe you weren't the only one --

Kiina: Who bites their nails and then eats them? Oh thank the Great Beings! I always knew I wasn't alone!

Berix: sick.png I don't think ANYONE does that...

Kiina: Oh... go on, then.

Berix: Did you ever think that maybe you weren't the only one that needed to believe there was something more?

Kiina: Um, duh. I've seen The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast, you know, both of which have musical numbers devoted to the subject.

Berix: Oh right, thought I was talking to Gresh there for a sec... I got an idea -- or rather, because I know how to speak proper English, I have got an idea. Maybe we could share the cavern. It could be our secret place. I mean, once the Glatorians rescue us. 'Cause they are going to rescue us, aren't they?

Kiina: Look where we are, Berix. I wouldn't count on it.

Berix: Oh right, the uvula thing. Yeah, I probably wouldn't rescue us either. I'm not touching some giant's uvula. That is NASTY!

Kiina: Even so, we're doomed.

Berix: Yeah? Well, then what's that?

Kiina: That's a rock.

Berix: And that?

Kiina: Another rock.

Berix: And that?

Kiina: A bunch of sand that has been fused together with heat and pressure over millions of years to form a sedimentary rock.

Berix: And that?

Kiina: That's the first rock you pointed to.

Berix: And that?


Kiina: That's Mata Nui's pet rock.

Director: Close enough! Now continue the stupid movie!

(Mata Nui walks slowly towards the Skrall base camp. As he passes through the entrance, he is flanked by chained up Vorox.)

Vorox: Help us! For some strange reason we thought wearing chains like gangsters was cool, but now we're trapped and we're strangling ourselves.

Mata Nui: Look, if I help you, you won't learn anything.

(The Vorox's face starts turning blue and he passes out.)

Mata Nui: Crazy kids and your rap music, walkin' around wearing your chains...

(As he continues, several Bone Hunters kind of salute to him with their swords... for some reason. I guess they were glad he killed Wilhelm or something... Mata Nui ignores them and walks right up to Tuma.)

Tuma: Yesssssssssssssss!

Director: What are you doing? :glare:

Tuma: Aren't I the snake?


Tuma: ... I look a bit like a snake... who has arms, legs, and weird wing-like things on his back.

Director: annoyed2.gif

Tuma: So brave!

Berix: Gulp. Is he...?

Kiina: Being sorted into Gryffindor?

Berix: :glare:

Kiina: Oh... yeah, he's alone.

Tuma: I'd hoped all the Glatorian would come --

Mata Nui: Isn't there an S on the end?


Tuma: But it seems they're even bigger cowards than I thought.

(The Skrall and Bone Hunters all growl and cheer... apparently Tuma being unable to properly assess the bravery of his opponents is a cause for celebration...)

Tuma: Either he's a madman or he'd like to join the winning side. Which is it?

Mata Nui: Wait, joining you is an option? Okay, I'll join you. I mean, I've known the people on this world for maybe like two days so I don't really care who wins your stupid war. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get my old body back and save all the Matoran. Clearly this is the right course of action for me and the billions of inhabitants of my former body.

Director: :mad:

Mata Nui: Fine! :glare: *He then proceeds to speak with no emotion* I am here to fight for my friends' freedom. One on one.

Kiina: I don't believe it!

Berix: Neither does Tuma.

Tuma: Look, I'm telling you, I just cannot believe this isn't butter!

Mata Nui: Unless the Skrall leader is the real coward?

(The Skrall and Bone Hunters seem to ignore their enormous tactical advantage and the fact they could kill him in an instant; instead they growl angrily at the smack which Mata Nui is talking.)

Tuma: I'm going to enjoy tearing that fancy face from your skull.

Mata Nui: Don't you mean tearing my mask from my face?

Tuma: Nope.

Mata Nui: :mellow:

(Tuma attacks first, knocking Mata Nui to the ground.)

Kiina: Dirty cheating Skrall!

Berix: Hey, it is fair and just!

Kiina: How is that fair and just?


Tuma: All too easy.

(He attacks Mata Nui several times, beating him back.)

Tuma: Come on! *He activates the buzz saw feature of his shield and attacks Mata Nui with it.*

Mata Nui: A buzz saw?! This guy is the biggest cheater of all time! Why can't I just kill him with my mask?

GregF: Because you're setting an example for children.

Mata Nui: I turn a guy into a snake.


Berix: *Covers his eyes* I can't watch! I can't watch! Mata Nui's getting shredded.

Mata Nui: You are the worst cheerleader ever. If it ever turns out I need to save you to save the world, I think I'll just pass.

(Mata Nui suddenly notices that there are sparks coming out of Tuma's back, showing an injury which he definitely had all along and that certainly wasn't added in for the purposes of this movie.)

Kiina: No! Don't you see? He's using what Ackar taught us.

Berix: That Gresh doesn't know anything about movies?

Kiina: No.

Berix: That we should hit Mata Nui and then just say we were "training".

Kiina: NO! "Study your opponent, find his weakness", even if that means making one up for the purposes of this movie.

Berix: Well he'd better find it fast!

Mata Nui: You know, I don't even know if I want to save you now any more.

Tuma: Did this pathetic weakling really believe he could bring down the Mighty Tuma?

Mata Nui: Not without chemotherapy.

Tuma: Sigh... I thought we'd make it through the whole comedy without a Tuma/tumour joke... Way to go...

Mata Nui: Be careful. Arrogance can topple giants... along with boys named David or Jack. Trust me. *He dodges Tuma and lands a solid blow in his back.* I know... also, I just stabbed you in the back -- literally -- so you should definitely trust me.

(They fight some more with Mata Nui gaining the upper hand.)

Kiina: That's it! That's it! That's it! *She starts manhandling Berix* Mata Nui's [random fact: the DVD subtitles leave out the 's here] found a weak spot in Tuma's armour and now he's using it against him.

Berix: I get it! Would you stop?

Kiina: Sorry, I try to kill things and state the obvious when I'm excited.

Berix: Explain to me again why you're one of the good guys?

(Mata Nui and Tuma's fight continues below.)

Tuma: This cannot be! I am the Mighty Tuma! *He knocks Mata Nui's sword out of his hands.*

Mata Nui: nooooo.gif Mr. Tail! I shall avenge you!

(Suddenly, gravity vanishes for a brief instant, allowing Mata Nui to jump ten metres in the air, right over Tuma, allowing him to land behind him and deliver a final anticlimactic blow into his back with his shield.)

Tuma: I... I... No!

(Tuma falls to the ground -- dead.)

GregF: No, he's just unconscious.

(Tuma's eyes turn into cartoon Xs.)

Tuma's Ghost: Yeah, come on, guys. How can you not plainly see that I'm alive?

GregF: See? He's standing right there. He's just a little more see-through than he was before, that's all.

Mata Nui: *Picks up Tuma's shield* I claim Tuma's shield in victory! Release my friends!

Kiina and Berix: Alright! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mata Nui: Oh right, and them too.

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 16- Power of Unity

(As Mata Nui holds Tuma's shield above his head triumphantly, everyone hears clapping coming from off-screen. The camera pans to show Metus clapping and laughing maniacally.)

Mata Nui: Wait, if your hands are made of metal, why do they sound like human hands? :blink:

Metus: Uh... magic?

Director: Oho, someone in the sound effects department is so getting fired!

Metus: I could always pick a winner. Now throw down your shield and your weapon.

Mata Nui: *Double checks that he is indeed holding both Tuma's shield and the shield made from Click.* What do you --

Metus: Just do it! :glare:

(All the Bone Hunters and Skrall burst out laughing, as do Kiina, Berix, and Mata Nui.)

Metus: That's not a joke.

Mata Nui: *Wipes a tear of laughter from his eye* I guess you just had to be there... So you were the traitor all along! *He angrily throws down Tuma's shield and has Click turn back into his beetle form.*

Click: :music: I wanna hold your hand --

Director: It was EE not EA. :mad:

Click: :(

Mata Nui: Save yourself, my friend... you should run away too, Click.

Click: *Sarcastically* Oh ha-ha. You already used that joke, stupid. I'll show you, I'll prove that I'm a useful character!

Mata Nui: Squeakity click click to you too, little buddy.

Click: :glare:

(As Click digs his way underground, Metus tries to stab him with Kiina's Vapour Trident.)

Metus: Cursed insect! For no adequately explained reason, I have an intense hatred of you, despite the fact that really the only time we ever interact is in the movie's epilogue!

Kiina: You coward!

Severus Snape: DON'T CALL ME COWARD!

Kiina: Um, yeah, I wasn't talking to you.

Snape: :(

Kiina: Keeping tabs on the Glatorian so you could sell us out to the Skrall?

Metus: Not a coward, just a good businessman.

Mata Nui: You were the one that convinced them to unite.

Metus: Of course I did. You think they'd come up with that on their own?

Skrall: Look, Metus, look what I maked in school today! I maked a pickchur of you outta Kraft Dinner.

Metus: Very nice, I'll hang it on the fridge. :glare:

Skrall: Really?

Metus: NO! :mad:

Skrall: :crying:

Metus: As rival tribes, the nomads did little damage, but together, under one ruler...

Kiina: You'd lead them against your own people?

Metus: Technically, only the Ice Agori are "my people"; everyone else are our mortal enemies from the Core War, so yeah, not sure what you're getting at with that... Besides, what have the Agori ever done for me?

Berix: Ah, well, let's see. We trusted you?! We also made you this cake.

Metus: A cake? For me? After all I did? Aw, gosh, guys, you shouldn't have. You know, this was really just a big misunder--

Director: *Grabs the cake and throws it on the ground, grinding it under his foot.* Get back in character! :mad:

Metus: :(

Kiina: The Glatorians will tear you apart for this!

Berix: Wait, didn't you just say the plural of Glatorian without an S just a minute ago?

Director: Give it a rest. :glare:

Metus: She still doesn't understand.

Mata Nui: LEGO's violence policy would never allow that.

(Kiina gasps in shock.)

Metus: Exactly, and by the time the Glatorians realize it, the battle will already be over. I win. Finish them! I've wasted enough time here. I have to get back.

(The Skrall and Bone Hunters suddenly start screaming and pointing in sheer terror.)

Metus: What in the name of deus ex machina is that?!

(A giant mound of Scarabax beetles in the form of Malum rises above a nearby dune, causing all the Skrall and Bone Hunters to run for their lives. Metus quickly turns to the Vorox that are chained up.)

Metus: Unleash the wretched beasts! If that giant crushes them, so be it!

Vorox: Wow, that's a little cruel. What did we ever do to you?

Metus: Nothing, it's just one of the things I have to do on the stereotypical villain checklist. I've already done the evil laughter and the explanation of my means and motives to the protagonists. All that's left is me doing something cruel and uncalled for that I later regret.

Vorox: Fair enough. Send us to our deaths, then.

(With the Vorox released into the fray, the chaos only multiplies as everyone scrambles to safety.)

Metus: Where are you going? Don't run, you cool dudes! Fight!

Skrall: You think we're cool dudes? Aw, thanks Metus. You're not so bad yourself.

Metus: I didn't say you were cool, I said you're an cool dude!

Skrall: Even though I'm well aware that this is the work of the word filter, your compliment still brightens my day.

Metus: annoyed2.gif

Kiina: Hey, Mata Nui! Up here!

Mata Nui: Oh right, gotta rescue The Blue Man Group. Thought I might be able to slip away without anyone noticing I'd left them behind...

(Mata Nui runs towards the ground beneath Kiina and Berix's cage, only to have his way blocked by two elite Skrall, who laugh menacingly. Mata Nui picks Tuma's shield up from the ground and throws it at them, only to have it miss them and instead slice the chain holding up the cage. The cage falls and the Skrall manage to jump out of the way just in time. Kiina and Berix emerge cheering.)

Mata Nui: Weird... I was actually aiming for the Skrall with that shot...

(Mata Nui picks up Kiina's Vapour Trident and hands it to her.)

Mata Nui: Are you alright?

Kiina: I am now that I got this back, thanks.

GregF: Actually, your water power was within you the whole time -- it's not restricted to your weapons.

Kiina: I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one.

GregF: Um, no, I'm 100% sure that the power is within you and that Mata Nui's just a liar.

Mata Nui: Hey! :mad:

Kiina: Well if I had the power the whole time, then how come I didn't use it to escape?

GregF: Because you're dumb.

Kiina: ... This isn't over!

Berix: *Points to the giant Scarabax Malum who is still terrorizing the Skrall* What is that?

Kiina: IT'S A ROCK! STOP ASK-- oh, wait. Never mind...

Mata Nui: I believe we are witnessing the true power of deus ex machina.

(The Scarabax giant suddenly collapses and the millions of Scarabax burrow into the ground.)

Mata Nui: And loyalty.

(A mighty army of Agori and Glatorian marches into view above the hill.)

Mata Nui: And awkward places to end chapters

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Chapter 17- Outnumbered

(The Skrall continue to run around chaotically as Mata Nui hands Berix a Skrall shield.)

Mata Nui: Here, you may need this.

Berix: Really? Wow. Nobody's ever given me anything before.

Mata Nui: Hey, don't mention it. You might even say, it was a steal.

Audience: :glare:

Berix: Can I keep it?

Mata Nui: Sure... If you give me five bucks.

Berix: ... But you stole this from a Skrall.

Mata Nui: Hey, I'm not running a charity here.

Berix: :(

Kiina: Don't worry, I'll spot you the five bucks.

Berix: Yay!

Kiina: Only if you survive.

Berix: Gasp!

Kiina: Don't worry, just stay close to me.

Berix: Gasp!

Kiina: :glare: ... Hold up! Aren't we missing part of the team?

Click: You remembered me! I knew you guys cared!

(Click jumps onto the end of Kiina's Vapour Trident and she passes him up to Mata Nui, who turns him into a shield again.)

Mata Nui: That's a good point, Kiina. I sure am going to miss that Thornatus we used to have...

Kiina: He was my best friend. :crying:

Click: I hate you all. :(

Mata Nui: Now we are ready.

(Mata Nui and Kiina yell out battle cries and jump down to the fray below while Berix holds back apprehensively.)

Berix: Hey! Wait for me!

(Being unable to ignore the laws of gravity, Mata Nui and Kiina do not wait for him and instead land on top of an unfortunate Fero and Ernesto and their Rock Steeds while Berix comes flailing behind them and lands on Skirmix's back.)

Berix: Well, you know what I mean.


Berix: Whoa! No, no, no, no!

(Skirmix starts bucking to try to throw him off and runs into the midst of a group of armed Bone Hunters.)

Berix: Jaller says that Toa Tahu does this!

Tahu: He is sooooooooooo fired from being my press secretary.

(As Berix tries to reenact the Jaller/Graalok scene from Mask of Light, he manages to do something useful for a change and gets Skirmix to knock out all of the enemy Bone Hunters. Berix surveys his work in awe as one of the Bone Hunters recovers and stumbles towards him. Berix, however, smashes him in the face with his shield.)

Berix: What the heck! No trial, no treasure!

Skirmix: Do we even believe in heck?

(Per usual, everyone turns to GregF for the answer.)

GregF: I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

Berix: Wouldn't we just find out anyway, then?

GregF: :evilgrin:

Berix: Oh, not good.

(Meanwhile, Mata Nui and Ackar are fighting off the onslaught of Skrall and midget Skrall-- I mean Bone Hunters.)

Ackar: They have us outnumbered 10 to one!

Director: Wait, why'd you say "ten" in numerals, but "one" was written out.

Ackar: DVD subtitles.

Director: :burnmad:

(Ackar shoots a stream of flames at one of the giant Bone Hunters-- I mean Skrall, blasting him away.)

Kiina: More like 20! *She blasts a stream of water at a Skrall that's attacking Gresh.*

Gresh: Yeah, but who's counting?

Ackar: We were, just now, you dumb noob. :mad:

Mata Nui: Let it be 100. We have the true power. We fight with honour and purpose!

Kiina: And magical elemental powers.

Mata Nui: Yes, those too... which are probably the only things responsible for us being still alive at this point, since I'm pretty sure you can't beat someone over the head with honour and purpose...

Director: And believe me, I've tried.

Mata Nui: :mellow:

(Mata Nui spots Metus running away.)

Mata Nui: So the coward flees.

Snape: DON'T CALL --

Kiina: Still not talking to you. :glare:

Snape: :(

Mata Nui: Hold them here! The traitor is mine.

(Metus hurries to his Thornatus, which is being guarded by two elite Skrall.)

Metus: What are you waiting for? Destroy him!

Elite Skrall 1: We were waiting for someone at LEGO to tell us that BIONICLE ending was a cruel April Fools joke.

Elite Skrall 2: Any second now...

Metus: :uhuh:

(Metus gets into his vehicle and Mata Nui bashes the two Skrall out of his way. Metus drives away just in time, only to find that he is headed for a pair of angry Vorox. Rather than do the smart thing like run them down or veer out of the way, he comes to a grinding halt.)

Metus: Out of my way, you filthy Vorox! No!

(The Vorox flip his Thornatus over, sending him skidding to Mata Nui's feet.)

Vorox: Oh, so there wasn't a car bomb under his Thornatus after all... awkward...

(Mata Nui grabs Metus by the throat and lifts him up to his face.)

Metus: Wait, we can make a deal. I'll give you whatever you want.

Mata Nui: Even your exclusive copy of the beta version of the 2001 BIONICLE video game?

Metus: Are you nuts?! I'd sooner be turned into a snake than give you that!

Mata Nui: Well, then I have what I want. You.

Metus: Really? Aw, that's so sweet. blush.gif

(Mata Nui's mask begins to glow and he presses Metus' face against it.)

Metus: Stop! What are you doing?!

Mata Nui: Totally winning this staring contest, that's what... oh, and snakifying you.

Metus: nooooo.gif

(When the golden light surrounding Metus and the Ignika fades, Mata Nui can be seen holding a writhing white snake in his grasp.)

Mata Nui: Now everyone will see you for what you truly are. And on the bright side, you won't be mistaken for a backup dancer in Lady Gaga's Bad Romance music video any more. :)

Metus: You may have defeated me, but you'll never defeat my united army.

(With that, he slithered away, never to be seen again.)

Metus: Until Metus' Revenge, though, right?

SPIRIT: Yeaaaaah... I dunno. Let's just wait and see, okay?

Mata Nui: Of course... By which I mean, of course I'll have thought of a plan to beat all the Skrall in the time it takes for SPIRIT to post the next chapter.

Kiina: There's too many!

Mata Nui: Too many what?

Kiina: Awkward chapter endings. :glare:

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Chapter 18- As One

(Ackar, Kiina, and Gresh are all being surrounded by Skrall that they can barely fend off as more keep coming.)

Gresh: They're still coming!

Ackar: We know. :glare:

Mata Nui: We can win this, together. For unity!

Kiina: What are you talking about?!

Mata Nui: Well, as anyone who has seen the last three movies will know that at the end, the heroes always pull some deus ex machina ability out of nowhere by just combining their powers and screaming something about "unity!" In Mask of Light, it resurrected Takanuva; in Legends of Metru Nui, it imprisoned Makuta; and in Web of Shadows it freed Makuta and took out Roodaka.

Ackar: So... this will kill them, bring them back to life, imprison them, and free them?

Mata Nui: Pretty much.

Ackar: Sounds like a plan to me. :)

Ackar, Gresh, and Kiina: For unity!

Mata Nui: Now, as one -- which is conveniently the title of this chapter...

(They place their glowing weapons together, causing an explosion of golden light to blast away the charging Skrall.)

Skrall: Whoa, the writers really screwed us over in this movie. Let's get out of here before they decide to bring one of us back as a pseudo good guy in a sequel!

(All the Skrall get up and run off.)

Gresh: Ha-ha! We did it!

Ackar: WE KNOW!

(Kiina cheers loudly and hugs Gresh warmly, firmly bamboozlingly any Kiinui and Kiinix shippers. Meanwhile, Mata Nui holds out his shield and addresses it.)

Mata Nui: Thank you.

(The shield then transforms back into Click.)

Mata Nui: Oh hey, it's you again. Where'd my shield go? Well, if you see him again, could you tell him thanks? Weird how both of you are never around at the same time...

Click: :glare:

Ackar: And I used to think Scarabax were just annoying little pests... and then I met you and confirmed my suspicions. :)

Click: Hey shut up, Ackar. Why don't you go get a helmet that's an original mould? OH BURN!

Ackar: Ha-ha! My apologies Click, I will never doubt you again.

Click: Really?

Ackar: I doubt it.

Click: :(

(Vastus and Tarix rush over to them.)

Vastus: I can't believe it's over.

Tarix: And that all of us are still in one piece.

Mata Nui: What are you talking about?! You weren't even in this fight!

Vastus: Well, yeah, but we watched.

Tarix: And drank tea and sucked limes!

Vastus: Okay, everyone gets that you're British. :glare:

Kiina: Wait! Where's Berix? Berix? Berix! Berix!

Gresh: I haven't seen the little guy since... wow, now that I think about it, we haven't really been in a scene together since Tajun. You'd think the whole saving my life thing would have brought us closer together...

Kiina: I told him to stick close to me.

Mata Nui: Well did you use duct tape?

Kiina: No, I only used masking tape! Since this is BIONICLE, I thought it would be best... you know, masking...

Mata Nui: :uhuh:

(Ackar puts a consoling hand on her shoulder.)

Ackar: Kiina.

Kiina: No! He was my responsibility! Berix! Berix!

Berix: Down here!

(Everyone turns to see a blue hand poking out of a pile of rubble.)

Berix: Little help! Help? Come on. Please?

Kiina: Thing from The Addams Family! Have you seen Berix?

Berix: :glare:

(Kiina rushes over to him and pulls Berix right out of the rubble.)

Kiina: You #####!

Berix: Did you just call me a bunch of number signs?

Kiina: CURSE YOU, WORD FILTER!!! Anyway... I thought...

(She pulls Berix into a bear hug, bringing even more bamboozlement to any faction of shipping involving Kiina.)

Kiina: Don't ever do that again!

Berix: You know, I think I liked it better when you hated me... You can let go now.

Kiina: Actually, I can't. You see, I decided to take Mata Nui's advice on the duct tape and, well...

Berix: nooooo.gif

(Everyone laughs as the scene fades out.)

Director: Now that's how you end a chapter!

Takua: Did you just ruin your own take?

Director: annoyed2.gif

Edited by SPIRIT
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Chapter 19- The Quest Begins

Click: Well, that was by far the weirdest hour or so of my life. I'm going to just walk on home and try to forget this whole thing hap-- HOLY GADUNKA! :OMG:

(Click turns around to see a massive crew of Agori hauling chains attached to parts of the giant prototype robot and dragging it along the desert floor towards him.)


(As Click runs for his life, Mata Nui watches the Agori work from above.)

Mata Nui: Work faster, my slaves! Man, I need a whip. If only there were a character in this film who had one.

Sahmad: Hey, I was a set this year and I --

Mata Nui: I said in this film! :mad:

Sahmad: I'll just go back to my never-updated web serial, then. :(

Ackar: Don't like parties?

Mata Nui: What? I love parties? I didn't know you guys were having one!

Ackar: Oh right, you weren't invited. Awkward...

Mata Nui: :(

Ackar: Agori from all over Bara Magna are pulling together, literally --

Mata Nui: :glare:

Ackar: Yeah, okay, bad joke... But they're uniting all the villages. And we have you to thank for that.

Mata Nui: Thirty eight statues in my honour will suffice.

Ackar: :blink:

Mata Nui: I mean, no, I was only one piece.

Ackar: You were a Japanese cartoon about pirates?

Mata Nui: :glare:

(Berix, Kiina, and Gresh walk up behind them.)

Mata Nui: It took each of us to complete the whole. This celebration belongs to the Agori, and you, Ackar, the first leader of the new united villages... by which, I of course mean that Raanu is now the leader of everything... for some reason...

Raanu: I'm the token short, old, and red guy of this film!

(The Agori finally manage to put all the parts of the robot together.)

Kiina: Look, they've done it.

Ackar: We know. :glare:

Berix: Whoa, you seeing what I'm seeing?

Kiina: Tiny demonic creatures telling us to kill all our friends?

Berix: No! ... wait, do you see those?

Kiina: Uh... no... :lookaround:

(Everyone gazes upon the completed robot in awe.)

Ackar: Mata Nui, do you think that giant might be connected somehow?

Mata Nui: Perhaps... especially since it'd be a pretty big plot point to overlook... But you are looking at an empty shell, the remains of what might have been a great ruler --

Ackar: Oh yeah, that's a good point. Something that big could measure anything!

Mata Nui: :glare: Not that kind of ruler... the guardian of his people.

Berix: Wait! I've got something. No, no, no, uh, hold on. Where is it... oh, here! Yeah, okay. I "collected" it from the secret chamber a long time ago. Forgot all about it until I saw that thing down there... also until it became central to the plot...

(Gresh takes a strange gold coin from him and examines it, seeing a giant robot on it, the Agori tribal symbol, and the symbol of the three virtues.)

Ackar: They match! Also, why does Gresh have the coin?

Gresh: I wanted to be helpful! :crying:

Berix: Uh huh. And wait till you see the other side.

(Gresh flips the coin and they all see the maze-like symbol from the Skrall shields on it, while Berix holds up his own Skrall shield and taps it.)

Kiina: Hey, it's the same symbol!

Ackar: WE KNOW!

Mata Nui: No, not a symbol. A map!

GregF: Nah, it's really more of a symbol...

Gresh: To where?

Mata Nui: That is what I must find out.

Kiina: Don't you mean "we" have to find out? Remember your promise.

Mata Nui: You are welcome to join me, but I have no idea how long it might take, or the dangers that await.

GregF: More like no time at all with really negligible dangers that all kind of get glossed over...

Mata Nui: Thanks to all of you, I am closer to becoming the warrior I must be if I am to reclaim my empire and free my people.

Ackar: This time, though, you won't need to face it alone.

Berix: Yeah!

Kiina: Hahaha.

Mata Nui: Then, my friends, our quest begins.

(They all stand dramatically at the edge of the cliff as the camera pans out to an aerial shot and then fades to black.)

Vakama: And they all lived happily ever after as LEGO quickly tacked on a generic ending to the epic tale, leaving many plot points unresolved. Because that is the way of the BIONICLE.

Director: Oh, no Metus' Revenge spoof? Thank goodness!

SPIRIT: Oh, thanks for reminding me.

Director: annoyed2.gif

(Sometime later, in the Sandray-less Sandray Canyon, Mata Nui and Ackar walk along while Metus the snake watches them, hissing.)

Ackar: Let's see if this manoeuvre can free the chariot from those rocks.

(They stop to see a Thornatus burred in rubble.)

Mata Nui: How did that get there, and more importantly, why do we care? Don't I have a vital mission to save the planet?

Akcar: Well, yeah, but there's a funny bumper sticker on this one...

Mata Nui: :glare:

(Ackar raises his sword in the air.)

Ackar: On my command! Fire!

(He slashes the sword down.)

Mata Nui: Um, yeah, that's not how your powers work...

Ackar: :glare:

(Vastus and Kiina jump up from behind a rock and fire a combined burst of their elemental powers at the rocks, causing them to explode, freeing the Thornatus. When they land, Kiina and Vastus share a high five.)

Mata Nui: What the? When did I give you elemental powers?

Vastus: What are you talking about? I thought everyone could do that...

Everyone else: :blink:

Kiina: That power combo sure puts a new twist on things, but I still don't get why we still need to practice. We haven't seen any Skrall or their bony pals since we blew them away.

Mata Nui: I have learned the hard way, Kiina. You should never relax your defences simply because you cannot see your enemy.

Makuta: But you could see me! Plus, I had poisoned you like three hundred years prior to your downfall! How do your past experiences have any bearing on what you just said?

Mata Nui: Oh shut up, you accidentally save the world and end up killing yourself in the process.

(Click looks up to see that Metus E. Coyote is trying to crush them all with a giant boulder. He rushes off to investigate.)

Ackar: Mata Nui's right. Plenty escaped. They could strike at any time... like by dropping a giant boulder on us. We need to be extra careful that a giant boulder is not dropped on us.

Mata Nui: Why do you keep saying that?

Ackar: I just want to be very certain that a giant boulder is not dropped on us.

Mata Nui: Okay...

(Meanwhile, high above, Metus is using the drill on the end of his tail to drop a giant boulder on them.)

Metus: Yes... to crush you all for destroying my life... even though Mata Nui is really the only one responsible for it... Also, Mata Nui conveniently gave me a drill at the end of my tail, for some strange reason...

(Click suddenly appears.)

Click: Hey, you're trying to kill those guys? Well, sign me up, they have been nothing but rude to me since Mata Nui crash-landed on my house.

Metus: Huh? You!

Click: Yeah, it's me. So how can I help you?

(Metus strikes, trying to bite him as Click jumps out of the way.)

Click: Not you too! Why does everyone here hate me?!

(A long chase scene then ensues as Metus tries to catch Click. The background repeats several times and then they proceed to run in and out of doorways in a long corridor, each time coming out wearing a different costume. Metus eventually corners Click up against a small cliff face.)

Metus: You're mine now, you filthy little Scarabax! I'll start my revenge with you.

(Before he can strike, though, the army of Scarabax returns.)

Metus: Oh no.

Click: Alright, guys, let's all poke him!

(The Scarabax all charge towards Metus.)

Metus: Wait, wait! I can explain! We were just playing mouth tag! It was all a big missssssssssssssunderstanding.

Onomatopoeia: Oh, we're not going to poke you because you tried to murder Click or anything --

Click: Hey! :mad:

Onomatopoeia: No, we're just tired of your stupid hissing.

(Metus screams for mercy for a bit and then can be seen flying across the sky.)

Metus: I hate that bug... Just you wait, I'll dream up the perfect plan to get my revenge!

GregF: *Snickers* Yeah, okay there.

Mata Nui: I wonder where Click...

(Click appears at the top of the cliff, knocking down a few pebbles.)

Kiina: Hey, watch it, squirt! You want to start an avalanche?! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO START AN AVALANCHE, I WANT TO KNOW AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE!!!

Click: Well, that about does it for our movie, folks, if you --

(Vakama rushes in and crushes Click.)

Vakama: Hey! I always get the last word in these things. I hope you've enjoyed this decade of BIONICLE and uh... insert something about the three virtues here.

Director: director.gif

(As the credits roll, screenshots of the various characters appear, with captions below them, indicating what happened to them after the movie.)

Ackar -- Went to prison for strangling Gresh once Gresh told him he had not seen a single production that Jim Cummings had been in.

Gresh -- Bribed LEGO into cancelling the line so that Mata Nui, Ackar, and Kiina would not come back as sets, but rather he would be the only protagonist from the movie to be re-released. After being strangled by Ackar, he was then strangled by an army of angry fans. Gresh now works as a fashion model for neck braces and uses the money he earns to pay for the many surgeries to repair his digestive tract.

Mata Nui -- After restoring Spherus Magna to its former glory and killing Makuta, Mata Nui decided to go back to doing what he does best: sleep.

Kiina -- Threw all her shippers for a loop when she became the first being on Spherus Magna to marry an inanimate object. Now she and her husband the Ignika -- not Mata Nui, but actually just his mask -- live happily on a farm in New Po-Wahi with their 6 children.

Berix -- Found out that his grandfather had once been a wealthy quadrillionaire and that he had left the entire planet of Spherus Magna and everything on it to Berix in his will. This meant that everyone had been stealing from him, rather than the other way around. Berix promised not to press charges as long as he could get a length of Gresh's intestine in return.

Fero -- Became ruler of Egypt and later the King of Games.

Tuma -- Still dead and definitely not roaming the mountains or whatever he was supposed to be doing after TLR.

Strakk -- Became the next James Bond villain.

Yellow Tanma -- Fired from his job and lived out the rest of his days as a hobo.

Blue Tanma -- Promoted to CEO.

Metus -- Went on to co-star in an online web serial that was never updated. He decided to then move to a British school for wizards, where he could reside in their plumbing.

Metus Clone 291 -- Executed Order 66.

Malum -- Ticked off that only the shape of his body appeared in the movie.

Gelu -- Really ticked off that he wasn't in the movie at all.

Click -- Still stuck to Vakama's foot.

Vakama -- Still has trouble going through some doorways due to the sheer size of his unibrow.

Takua -- Graduated from Harvard with a PhD in Bromatology with his thesis on fruit-filled pastries.

Director -- Now resides in a mental institution, dreading the day that LEGO should decide to make more movies.

BIONICLE -- Replaced by Hero Factory, for reasons that were never entirely clear to the fans.

Hero Factory -- We build heroes.

SPIRIT -- Lost the 4th Comedies Contest because no one voted for him and decided to start doing his job as a Reference Keeper again for a change. [Remember how that totally happened? lol -2015 SPIRIT]


Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee end.

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