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Silver Icon: Hunters of the Dark Review Topic


CommanderKumo

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It just clicked that the new Dark Hunter Dormant is the one you made a model for recently. That's super cool man! :D I'm rather eager to see how this turns out.

Awesome to hear that you are enjoying it! :D I'd been hoping to give Dormant a role in a story, and when this idea came about, I knew he would fit right in! :)

My Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClo2J14RKmVtcnoJTv7g6PA , Bionicle films coming soon!

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  • 3 weeks later...

The premises are interesting, as are the characters: the idea of a Krana having become a Dark Hunter could lead to some interesting developments, as could those calming methods that Savage seems to employ, which somehow counter his Hordika side.

 

The style could use some improvement, though. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but I think you should change the way you use punctuation. To make an example:

 

 

Savage looked around the cave, seeing no indication that anyone was present, he continued onwards anyway, making sure his staff didn't collide with the walls of the cave, the cave became gradually darker, until the only method of navigation was to listen to where, dripping water was falling from stalactites to the ground, it was times like this that Savage wished he still had access to his mask's power, the power of night vision, the mask had been rendered powerless when he was transformed.

 

The rhythm of this sentence feels wrong, somehow: it's too fast, you've inserted too many concepts in a single sentence, simply separating them through the use of commas. Personally, I think you should use more full stops so as to give more breathing space to the reader and allow each of the events described in the sentence to stand out. I've taken the liberty of rewriting the sentence so as to make it sound better:

 

 

Savage looked around the cave. Seeing no indication that anyone was present, he continued onwards anyway, making sure his staff didn't collide with the walls of the cave. The cave became gradually darker, until the only method of navigation was to listen to where dripping water was falling from stalactites to the ground. It was times like this that Savage wished he still had access to his mask's power, the power of night vision, but the mask had been rendered powerless when he had been transformed.

 

I'm truly sorry if I appear to be pedantic, but I believe this is your story's main defect and I thought that my review should point it out.

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The premises are interesting, as are the characters: the idea of a Krana having become a Dark Hunter could lead to some interesting developments, as could those calming methods that Savage seems to employ, which somehow counter his Hordika side.

 

The style could use some improvement, though. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but I think you should change the way you use punctuation. To make an example:

 

 

Savage looked around the cave, seeing no indication that anyone was present, he continued onwards anyway, making sure his staff didn't collide with the walls of the cave, the cave became gradually darker, until the only method of navigation was to listen to where, dripping water was falling from stalactites to the ground, it was times like this that Savage wished he still had access to his mask's power, the power of night vision, the mask had been rendered powerless when he was transformed.

 

The rhythm of this sentence feels wrong, somehow: it's too fast, you've inserted too many concepts in a single sentence, simply separating them through the use of commas. Personally, I think you should use more full stops so as to give more breathing space to the reader and allow each of the events described in the sentence to stand out. I've taken the liberty of rewriting the sentence so as to make it sound better:

 

 

Savage looked around the cave. Seeing no indication that anyone was present, he continued onwards anyway, making sure his staff didn't collide with the walls of the cave. The cave became gradually darker, until the only method of navigation was to listen to where dripping water was falling from stalactites to the ground. It was times like this that Savage wished he still had access to his mask's power, the power of night vision, but the mask had been rendered powerless when he had been transformed.

 

I'm truly sorry if I appear to be pedantic, but I believe this is your story's main defect and I thought that my review should point it out.

Thanks for the feedback! I will certainly follow your advice in the coming chapters! :D

My Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClo2J14RKmVtcnoJTv7g6PA , Bionicle films coming soon!

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