Embers - Review Topic

[Nato G]

Welcome to the review topic for Embers. This tale unfolds in an alternate timeline where the Great Spirit Robot mysteriously shuts down in the midst of Teridax’s takeover. In the wake of this second Great Cataclysm, lightstones and heatstones begin to dim and die throughout the universe, dooming its denizens to a dark, cold demise.

Metru Nui – with lifegiving light still seeping through the sun holes overhead, and its cold streets heated by the fires of the Great Furnace – becomes the last bastion for the Matoran species. But when the city’s Toa depart to rescue Matoran still trapped out in the dark of the dying universe, they leave the populace vulnerable to the machinations of an unexpected enemy, and return to a city they no longer recognise.

I won’t include content warnings for each specific chapter, so be aware that this story will have a darker tone, both literally and figuratively. There are no clear-cut heroes in Embers, no easy answers or perfect heroes. The story deals with themes of loss and despair, PTSD and misplaced faith, but also hope despite adversity, and unity against great odds. In chapters to come, there will be depictions of violence, mentions of suicide, ethical dilemmas, and bonkle-styled cursing. For the purists out there, be warned that within the world of Embers, genders aren’t locked to specific elements, romance does exist, and some aspects of Bionicle history have been reinterpreted.

On a similar note, I generally prefer not to mess with canon characters too much when writing fanfics. As such, this story won’t be featuring too many familiar faces. I’ll leave it up to the imagination of readers as to whether there were simply different heroes in this universe, or if the heroes of prime canon met with unfortunate fates off-screen.

Those who’ve read some of my older stories on this site, or have played with me over on the RPG forum, may also recognise some names or character concepts. That’s just me recycling old ideas I like; no prior knowledge of older versions of those characters is required, and they will likely be portrayed differently in this story anyway (though I may slip in some sneaky references on occasion).

With all of that out of the way, any feedback and comments are greatly appreciated.

I hope you enjoy Embers.

Book 1 - Darkness

Book 2 - Duty

Book 3 - Disunity

Book 4 - Death

Book 5 - Divinity

Book 6 - Defiance

Edited April 27 by Nato G

[Master Inika]

This is a promising start. Canon seemed to imply that faith in Mata Nui was somehow misplaced, like a kid-friendly version of Dune, but nothing was really done with it. I am interested to see how this will play out.

[Master Inika]

Jokes aside, this was an excellent first chapter. It feels the most like the aftermath of a real war set in the BIONICLE universe, unlike the battles against the Rahi or even something like the Toa-Dark Hunter War, that always felt fun and kid-friendly. Your writing really captures the futility of it.

On the surface, it reads kind of like the typical "grimdark" fiction that non-fans probably think BIONICLE fanfics are like, but this is actually well-written and feels like an ideal version of trope. The characters are grounded and relatable. And the cliffhanger ending I did not see coming. I am excited for the next chapter.

[Nato G]

4 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

On the surface, it reads kind of like the typical "grimdark" fiction that non-fans probably think BIONICLE fanfics are like, but this is actually well-written and feels like an ideal version of trope. 

Thanks for the feedback. I knew from the outset that I'd be setting myself up for those kind of comparisons.

There was a time where I considered making the first few chapters a little lighter to ease readers into the darker tone, but given how the rest of the story came out it almost felt kind of disingenuous and deceptive. I wanted this first chapter to really set the tone and let readers know what to expect from here on out (in case all of the content warnings I put in the intro post of this topic weren't enough). 

26 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

It feels the most like the aftermath of a real war set in the BIONICLE universe. Your writing really captures the futility of it.

When I started out, my one-sentence summary for Embers was “Bionicle as a war movie”, so it’s been a real balancing act throughout to treat certain topics with the severity and seriousness they deserve, while also trying not to trip head-first into full grimdark territory. I ended up spending an unhealthy amount of time watching war films over the past two-ish years to get myself into the right mindset. 

[BuckJohnson]

You beat me to the punch on a dark Bionicle horror story. Excellent work so far; it's hard to describe the sense of dread I felt about the prospect of permanently sealing off Metru-Nui. I'm also enjoying the characters. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to them! Keep up the good work, will definitely be keeping an eye on this one.

[Master Inika]

Another excellent chapter. Good job at making the Vahki actually seem formidable.

[Master Inika]

I didn't mean to fall so behind on this series, and I am only catching up now.

Chapter 3 review: another excellent continuation. I find complex battle scenes difficult to write and you did a good job keeping the reader's attention focused on a few concepts giving an idea of the general chaos. The Toa of Gravity having to mentally fight the Gravity Rahkshi was particularly creative and felt like an unusually hard sci-fi take on Bionicle powers, like the powers are radar beams that can have stronger or weaker signals. In general seeing the secondary Rahkshi in action was great. I always wished we got to see them more in canon. The few glimpses we got in the 2004 books was great and I was disappointed not much was done with the Rahkshi of Heat Vision in 2010, so this chapter really scratched that itch.

Chapter 4 review: Pira is such a fascinating character. I'm curious to see what "Brother" capitalized like that specifically means. (On a lesser note, the consistent capitalization of "Of" in mask names throws me off.)

Chapter 5 review: I knew I had read about Takadox's species being the original species of Odina on another topic, I looked it up and did not realize that was also you. I was going to ask if you got the idea from them, funnily enough.

Chapter 6 review: this new Makuta is awesome. I've always been fascinated with the idea that the Makuta were ostensibly supposed to be "good" at some point and you've done a great job exploring this implication, plus everything about evidence vs. faith is well done and thought-provoking. I look forward to what's next.

[Nato G]

55 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

The Toa of Gravity having to mentally fight the Gravity Rahkshi was particularly creative and felt like an unusually hard sci-fi take on Bionicle powers, like the powers are radar beams that can have stronger or weaker signals. In general seeing the secondary Rahkshi in action was great. I always wished we got to see them more in canon. 

Rahkshi are one of my all-time favourite races in Bionicle. There's so much untapped potential and unexplored implications with them, which is a big part of why I gave them such a prominent role in this series. 

The gravity battle stemmed from the fact that while a lot of power scaling in Bionicle is vague and unspecified, Rahkshi have very clearly-defined power levels, with some of the Level 6 descriptions specifically stating they're stronger than even a Toa Nuva. For powers that overlap with Toa, like gravity, I felt like that would create some interesting room for strategic countering or cancelling-out of powers, and tug-of-war type struggles.

55 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

Pira is such a fascinating character.

Pira is definitely one of my favourite characters to write. With so many of the Toa basically being veterans who are set in their ways of faith and Duty, I felt that it was important to have a perspective that was essentially the complete opposite. She's very lightly inspired by Gavla, the Av-Matoran from 2008 who felt like she didn't fit in, and enjoyed being a Shadow Matoran. 

55 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

I knew I had read about Takadox's species being the original species of Odina on another topic, I looked it up and did not realize that was also you. I was going to ask if you got the idea from them, funnily enough.

The ideas I posted in that other thread came together as I was working on this story. The history and fate of the League Of Six Kingdoms obviously have a pretty major role to play in Embers, so I spent a lot of time thinking and theorising about that. In the thread I framed the theories as being based on canon info, which is still the case, but they were influenced just as much by what would make for interesting plot points in this story. 

56 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

I've always been fascinated with the idea that the Makuta were ostensibly supposed to be "good" at some point and you've done a great job exploring this implication.

With Bionicle being a kids theme, there wasn't a lot of room for nuance or ambiguity. The antagonists were pretty much all moustache twirling, puppy kicking caricatures of villainy. But with so many different species and cultures in the Bionicle universe, surely there had to be members of other races who honoured Duty, who were seen as heroes by their own people? That's something I really wanted to dig into throughout this story, and a Makuta seemed like the perfect place to start. 

1 hour ago, Master Inika said:

I look forward to what's next.

Thanks for reading, and for all of the feedback. I'm glad you've been enjoying the story. 

The next chapter will be out tomorrow. 

[Master Inika]

Another great chapter! I have found myself having to google certain words, like ichor in Chapter 3 and detritus in this one, but I mean that in a positive way. It gives the story an ancient feeling, like I am reading a modern translation of something like the Odyssey.

The exploration of intelligent Rahkshi was the most interesting aspect of this chapter to me. They remind me of the exploration of the Tusken Raiders that Disney has been doing lately (only, you know, depressing). I am particularly enjoying Talok and Rost, but that's just because I'm a sucker for guys who are so obnoxiously polite it's creepy and unsettling.

[Nato G]

6 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

ichor in Chapter 3

I know some purists get upset when fan projects talk about Bonkles having blood, but I didn't feel like writing something like "circulatory fluid" every time. Given its association with Greek mythology, ichor felt like a good fit for Bionicle's more fantastical setting. 

11 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

The exploration of intelligent Rahkshi was the most interesting aspect of this chapter to me. 

I'm glad to hear it. I always found it absolutely wild that Greg casually stated that Shadow Kraata are intelligent enough to communicate, only to do absolutely nothing with that revelation. I really wanted to explore the implications of that. 

[Master Inika]

Another excellent chapter. Widrek did not stand out too much as a character to me before, but seeing what has happened to him is creepy and I love the unsettling mystery vibes in this chapter.

[Master Inika]

I finally got back to reading this. I made it up to Chapter 14 today. Man, I forgot what a downer this was. A well-written downer, but still.

It's beautiful how something so adult can be made it fit naturally into the BIONICLE universe. There is so much to appreciate about this story, the lore, the characterization, the dynamics between everyone. It's all done masterfully.

While reading it, I've been listening to this Metru Nui-themed playlist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BQgvMKfZBk It makes for a pretty interesting reading experience. It makes all the more perceptible the divide between just how gritty this is and the positivity and nostalgia that Metru Nui feels like it should be associated with.

I'll read up the most recent five chapters soon. I'm excited to see how the rebellion goes.

 

[Nato G]

17 hours ago, Master Inika said:

I forgot what a downer this was. A well-written downer, but still. It makes for a pretty interesting reading experience. It makes all the more perceptible the divide between just how gritty this is and the positivity and nostalgia that Metru Nui feels like it should be associated with.

I know what you mean. I've been watching the movies and rereading a lot of the books recently for another project, and it's been weird seeing how differently canon approached combat. People got blown up, thrown through walls, etc. all the time. Blunt force trauma was only fatal if you were Lhikan or Sidorak. 

17 hours ago, Master Inika said:

It's beautiful how something so adult can be made it fit naturally into the BIONICLE universe. There is so much to appreciate about this story, the lore, the characterization, the dynamics between everyone. It's all done masterfully.

This means a lot. Finding the right balance of classic Bionicle with the more mature tone I wanted to go with has been a constant battle, so it's great to hear that someone thinks it's working. 

[Master Inika]

I read two more chapters today, 16 and 17. The action was well done, especially the Toa-controlled unmarked Vahki.

Your two strongest characters are definitely Icthilos and Savnu (though my preference for feisty female characters might make me somewhat biased). I also found Widrek fascinating for being the first Toa to be subject to whatever Vhel did to him. I found it delightfully creepy how I didn't get to learn that much about him beforehand, but I could still definitely tell he was different afterward. If I did have to single out a criticism, it would be that most of the other Toa so far have felt more like background characters. Their defection has not hit me as hard as it could have. There is a certain shock value in Toa siding with a Makuta over their fellow Toa, an it might be because I took such a break from reading, but not much about characters like Bihriis specifically stood out that made me think "oh no, not him." I have a soft spot for characters who get mind-controlled as soon as they're introduced, which Widrek provided for me, but the others could have been fleshed out more.

The tension was strong and well-written. My favorite scene in these two chapters, aside from the combat mechanics, was them discussing how Vhel's suggest/mind-control-thing works. I love dialogue of characters figuring out the logistics of how things operate.

[Master Inika]

I just finished Chapter 18. Another great chapter with much to like.

The Archives are so creepy and you did a great job capitalizing on that. I also appreciate some more insight into the Onu-Matoran/Ko-Matoran rivalry. I always thought the "past" vs "future" dichotomy between them implied a much deeper philosophical divide, but, like most things in G1, it was never fully explored. What the Onu-Matoran do is pretty weird when you think about it, especially since we know at least some Rahi like Krahka and Keetongu are basically fully sapient.

This chapter reminds me a lot of BIONICLE Adventures 3: The Darkness Below, which is one of my favorite BIONICLE books. It's a perfect setting for a horror story and you captured the dread of not knowing what's just around the corner.

I really love the creepy way the Vhel-aligned Toa talk. It's clear they're not fully mind-controlled like an Infected Mask or Krana does. They still form sentences (at least I think) the way that they would normally. It's an interesting interpretation of the Lovecraftian madness that Greg sometimes alluded to in canon.

The mechanics of the fight scene were gripping. I felt rewarded by how gravity factored into the fight with the Exo-Toa and the slight reveal that it was magnetism that pulled Icthilos through the air. In the case of the gravity reveal, it made me wish I paid more attention to who had what element earlier, because then I might have figured it out beforehand.

I feel like the phrase "all Karzahni broke loose" is somewhat too informal and takes the reader out of the action. It does sound like something a character might say in-universe, but, knowing what the equivalent is in English, it isn't something a human would write about a human fight.

A great chapter overall. I will read the next one tomorrow.

[Nato G]

20 hours ago, Master Inika said:

If I did have to single out a criticism, it would be that most of the other Toa so far have felt more like background characters. 

That's fair. 

One of the biggest problems I have with a lot of the Bionicle novels is that there are so many focal characters (usually all twelve of the canister sets from that year, and sometimes the titans and Matoran as well). With so many heroes and villains jostling for the spotlight, a lot of them didn't get enough screentime for me to really sympathise with them. So with this story I really wanted to dedicate a lot more time and attention to my focal characters, and explore the rest of the cast from their perspectives.

Some characters also might seem like background characters because they've retroactively been introduced earlier than they originally appeared. Writing drafts for all six books before I started posting anything allowed me to go back and namedrop/set up some folks well ahead of where they'll actually be important, instead of them just being introduced out of the blue much later. For example, the Ga-Toa healer from the second chapter originally didn't debut until partway through Book 2. 

26 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

What the Onu-Matoran do is pretty weird when you think about it, especially since we know at least some Rahi like Krahka and Keetongu are basically fully sapient. This chapter reminds me a lot of BIONICLE Adventures 3: The Darkness Below, which is one of my favorite BIONICLE books. It's a perfect setting for a horror story and you captured the dread of not knowing what's just around the corner.

That's exactly the vibe I was going for. I always found the time spent in the Archives to be some of the creepiest moments in the novels. Even as a kid, I was kind of unsettled by the inherent existential horror of being trapped in stasis and turned into a living display piece, and disturbed by how blasé and irresponsible the Onu-Matoran were about it, sometimes leaving entire levels of exhibits unattended for years. 

The Metru Nui setting had a lot of weird, messed-up stuff going in in the background that seemed to have been normalised by the citizens, and it's been fun to explore some of that from the perspective of characters who aren't natives of the city and are understandably horrified by it all. 

[Master Inika]

Welp, saying I was going to read Chapter 19 tomorrow ended up being a lie. Sorry, the time just got away from me. I really am invested in this story, and it's impressive how consistently you've been updating it. This is really shaping up to be actual publishable book-level, in terms of both length and quality. It's always impressed me how much fanfiction authors are willing to go for projects they know they can't actually sell or fully claim as "theirs."

Chapter 19 was excellent. Seeing narcissistic characters like Vhel (and Teridax in canon) talk around their own failures (like Teridax calling becoming Takutanuva "unexpected") is always something I enjoy no matter how often I see it. Charismatic gentleman antagonists, like President Snow from The Hunger Games, are a guilty pleasure of mine that Vhel leans heavily into, it seems.

I also love the, I don't know how to word it, begrudging respect Ichthilos has for Vhel. I enjoy scenes of mortal enemies unable or unwilling to kill each other and having at least one (somewhat) genuine conversation. This chapter felt a long time coming and lived up to my expectations.

(A slight thing, is there any particular reason you capitalize "Of" in proper nouns? I've never heard that recommended before and I personally find it somewhat distracting, especially since everything else seems formatted properly. I only mention it now because there were so many proper nouns with "Of" in this chapter.)

Chapter 20 is another good action chapter. It reminds me of just how cool and futuristic Kanoka seemed when they were introduced, and how weird it is in hindsight that LEGO didn't do much with them later on.

Chapter 21 was powerful. Even though none of it is really "new" information to us longtime fans, we've gotten to know Ichthilos so well it feels like it's new information to us, framed as it is as unnatural instead of awe-inspiring like it is in canon. I am again perceiving the Lovecraftian influence of Greg's writing allowed to fully spread its depressing, existential wings.

I will pick up with Ch. 22 soon.

[Nato G]

5 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

I really am invested in this story, and it's impressive how consistently you've been updating it. This is really shaping up to be actual publishable book-level, in terms of both length and quality. It's always impressed me how much fanfiction authors are willing to go for projects they know they can't actually sell or fully claim as "theirs."

I've been wanting to become a proper published author since 2009. I've lost count of the number of manuscripts I've sent to publishers over the past fifteen years, and so far I haven't been successful. Suffice to say, that got pretty stressful and depressing after a while, especially when 2020 hit and compounded those feelings. I looked back on some old Bionicle RPGs, remembered how much fun I'd had when there were no serious expectations or financial pressures involved, and decided to put together some old character and story concepts to create this project.

The reason the releases have been so regular is because the whole thing (including the next five "books") are already completely written, edited, proofread, and revised. Something I'd noticed with other projects released here is that when the creators are writing as they go, there'll sometimes be big time gaps between chapters, or the author will go back and revise/rewrite everything that came before. I wanted to put in the time beforehand to be able to provide a more consistent experience. 

5 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

(A slight thing, is there any particular reason you capitalize "Of" in proper nouns? I've never heard that recommended before and I personally find it somewhat distracting, especially since everything else seems formatted properly. I only mention it now because there were so many proper nouns with "Of" in this chapter.)

I'm weird and dumb and don't like having a lowercase word in the middle of uppercase ones. It just looks wrong to me, somehow. (I'm well aware that this habit flies in the face of all conventional education).

5 minutes ago, Master Inika said:

Chapter 21 was powerful. Even though none of it is really "new" information to us longtime fans, we've gotten to know Ichthilos so well it feels like it's new information to us, framed as it is as unnatural instead of awe-inspiring like it is in canon. I am again perceiving the Lovecraftian influence of Greg's writing allowed to fully spread its depressing, existential wings.

This is still one of my favourite chapters of the entire story. I was always kind of disappointed by how characters in canon reacted to these huge reveals.

Obviously everyone was running for their lives and trying to stay free during Teridax's reign, and the 2010 storyline was rushed to reach the giant robot fight, but I always found it weird how everyone kind of just took the giant robot reveal in stride and didn't dwell on the world-changing existential implications of the whole thing. So I really wanted to explore that angle in this story. 

[Master Inika]

2 hours ago, Nato G said:

I've been wanting to become a proper published author since 2009. I've lost count of the number of manuscripts I've sent to publishers over the past fifteen years, and so far I haven't been successful. Suffice to say, that got pretty stressful and depressing after a while, especially when 2020 hit and compounded those feelings. I looked back on some old Bionicle RPGs, remembered how much fun I'd had when there were no serious expectations or financial pressures involved, and decided to put together some old character and story concepts to create this project.

I'm in a similar boat. It sounds like you are way more serious about it than I am, but I have also sent out manuscripts before, and it's tough out there.

2 hours ago, Nato G said:

The reason the releases have been so regular is because the whole thing (including the next five "books") are already completely written, edited, proofread, and revised. Something I'd noticed with other projects released here is that when the creators are writing as they go, there'll sometimes be big time gaps between chapters, or the author will go back and revise/rewrite everything that came before. I wanted to put in the time beforehand to be able to provide a more consistent experience. 

Guilty. I've thought about doing something similar to what you're doing, pre-writing an entire multi-part story, and I just never had the discipline for it. Hence why so many of my stories start off strong and then I just lose interest partway through and have lackluster (or absent) finales.

2 hours ago, Nato G said:

I'm weird and dumb and don't like having a lowercase word in the middle of uppercase ones. It just looks wrong to me, somehow. (I'm well aware that this habit flies in the face of all conventional education).

To each their own, I suppose. At least you are consistent about it.

2 hours ago, Nato G said:

This is still one of my favourite chapters of the entire story. I was always kind of disappointed by how characters in canon reacted to these huge reveals.

Obviously everyone was running for their lives and trying to stay free during Teridax's reign, and the 2010 storyline was rushed to reach the giant robot fight, but I always found it weird how everyone kind of just took the giant robot reveal in stride and didn't dwell on the world-changing existential implications of the whole thing. So I really wanted to explore that angle in this story. 

That's another really good point. It should have been a huge revelation and morale blow to characters like the Toa Nuva that their sentience was a mistake and the Great Beings saw the Matoran as basically the moral equivalent of toasters. I feel like, with The Yesterday Quest and The Powers That Be, Greg was trying to set up a grand confrontation with the Great Beings and, like with Mata Nui, call them out and make a statement against their absenteeism, but alas, we'll never know.