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The Unknown Turaga (Memoirs of the Dead)


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The Unknown Turaga

~~~

 

It has been a while since I've written here, but I feel these recent events must be recorded. This time, however, I will not be carving it for the public to see tomorrow, when the couriers spread word of the city’s news to every home on Metru Nui.

 

My name is Kodan, and I have discovered something terrible.

 

I assume whoever is reading this is familiar with Turaga Dume, the Turaga of Metru Nui. He is often seen nowadays either addressing Matoran in the Coliseum or on the large monitors installed around the city. I’m sure I am not the only one to notice this, but he seems to avoid public encounters that are one-on-one or require too much casual conversation. He rarely calls on the Toa in person any more, and I am called on far less. At first, I assumed it was merely a passing mood of the Turaga’s; he rarely acts in such a way, but what other reason could he have for such odd behaviour?

 

Next came the stories. I ignored them at first, thinking they were made up by paranoid Matoran travelling the streets at night. But they persisted, more and more Matoran coming to the Toa and myself with stories of sinister-looking beings skulking around at dusk. After the reports of encounters failed to cease, I hesitantly handed them on to Turaga Dume, who sent me a response in the form of a written letter, stating that I was to record actual news, not tricks of the light, and I was forbidden to print any of the accounts. However, no matter what I told the growing number of witnesses, they would not waver in their insistence.

 

I convinced Toa Naho to accompany me one night, in search of the mysterious shadows. We patrolled for most of the night, and just before daylight peered over our fair city, we saw it. A huge, nearly invisible creature, with massive claws that glinted in the thin beam of morning sunlight that had miraculously flickered by us. Toa Naho started forwards, her rapier1 in hand and ready to swipe at the smallest movement. But, just like that, the beast was gone again as the sunlight slithered back. The sun was rising behind us, and Toa Naho was uneasily glancing at the shrinking shadows on the street, weapon still raised and ready. After a minute or so, she sheathed her blade, looking vaguely worried.

 

I now wonder if I should have regretted volunteering to deliver the news, but I do not feel like it is something that I would leave to anyone else. I was, after all, the one to record the goings-on of the city. So, for once, I was the courier instead of the Chronicler.

 

I would see something dreadful that morning, but I did not know it, as I raced with sunbeams towards the impressive silhouette of the Coliseum on the horizon, praying that the thing was not lurking in the alleys or skulking after me in the shadows. I made it to the doors and thanked the Great Spirit between gasps of exhaustion and relief. I had ascended the stone steps, walked through the silent corridors, and saw the Turaga’s door ajar.

 

I should not have looked.

 

I saw… I saw something terrible. Shadows clung to the walls, the ceiling, the floor, and circled around the Turaga himself. But it was not the Turaga, not the Turaga we respected and trusted. It was a monster, a twisted creature who wore the guise of the Turaga of Metru Nui. It looked like the Turaga, and yet it was not him, it could not be, it was too gnarled and tainted in soul.

 

This image of the beast in the Turaga’s clothing flashed by in a mere instant, and suddenly the room was golden, lit by the sunrise filtering through thin curtains, fluttering softly in the soft breath of a morning breeze. Turaga Dume turned from his mirror and smiled at me. It was not a nice smile.

 

“Now, now, Kodan,” he chided, the sickly leer still etched in his features. “I did tell you I was not having any more… visits.”

 

My heartlight flashed erratically, and I tried to cover it with a hand and feign my sheer horror was mere exhaustion. “Ah, my apologies, Turaga. I meant no disrespect. Toa Naho and I decided to look for that creature last night, you see, to put those rumours to rest-“

 

“And I trust you found them to be nothing but silly stories?”

 

“Quite the opposite, Turaga. We saw the beast, it was just as the Matoran had described-“

 

The Turaga raised a hand to quiet me. “Oh, my. So, you are making up stories too, are you?”

 

“No, Turaga! We saw it!”

 

“Wouldn’t it be a problem if you told more of these... lies? Poor Matoran might believe you, and that would do nothing but cause an unnecessary panic.”

 

It pains me even to think on what happened next, even as fleetingly as a brief recall for the sake of this journal. It was a scene that will undoubtedly plague my nightmares for the rest of my however short life. It was terrifying, it was gruesome to see, and I could only shield myself from what was to come. I felt that I was doomed as the monster loomed over me, its ugly maw a mere hand width from my mask. I fell to the floor and curled with my arms over my head in a desperate attempt to protect myself, but I could feel the thing’s breath, hot and putrid, on the back of my neck. I couldn’t look at the face again, the mottled, rusted thing that glared at me with crimson, burning slits and was almost like a Rahi but not a Rahi, it was too scheming, too… too…

 

“Turaga?”

 

I opened my eyes and saw Toa Naho looking at me, concerned. The Turaga was kneeling at my side as if I had collapsed. The Turaga then told Toa Naho that perhaps I should take a day from my usual duties and, perhaps, follow her along to close a sea gate. It wasn’t going to be exciting, but it would give me reason to have a well-earned break. I tried to object, but unfortunately, neither the Turaga nor Toa Naho would have any of it. So, I left with Toa Naho, and she allowed me to stop by my hut before we set off with another Toa.

 

I know I will not return from this voyage. I know that Turaga Dume- or whatever is in his place- knows that I learned his secret. And I know that he will continue whatever he is planning, unless someone can stop him.

 

I haven’t told Toa Naho about this. Hopefully, if I tell no one, I will be the only one to be eliminated. I doubt she would believe me if I told her, anyway; she would most likely tell me it was due to my faint, or from a night without sleep. So, I will leave my journal, hidden from the Turaga’s impostor and that Kanoka-wielding, clawed beast that stalks our streets. I will place it somewhere only a true, pure-hearted resident of Metru Nui can find it, and pray that they will be able to ward off whatever evil those monsters plan to bring.

 

read word of the city’s news to every home on Metru Nui.

 

My name is Kodan, and I have discovered something terrible.

 

I assume whoever is reading this is familiar with Turaga Dume, the Turaga of Metru Nui. He is often seen nowadays either addressing Matoran in the Coliseum or on the large monitors installed around the city. I’m sure I am not the only one to notice this, but he seems to avoid public encounters that are one-on-one or require too much casual conversation. He rarely calls on the Toa in person any more, and I am called on far less. At first, I assumed it was merely a passing mood of the Turaga’s; he rarely acts in such a way, but what other reason could he have for such odd behaviour?

 

Next came the stories. I ignored them at first, thinking they were made up by paranoid Matoran travelling the streets at night. But they kept coming, more and more Matoran coming to the Toa and myself with stories of sinister-looking beings skulking around at night. After so many reports, I hesitantly handed the reports on to Turaga Dume, who sent me a response in the form of a written letter, stating that I was to record actual news, not tricks of the light, and I was forbidden to print any of the accounts. No matter how much I told the growing number of Matoran witnesses, they would not waver in their insistence.

 

I convinced Toa Naho to accompany me one night, in search of the mysterious shadows. We patrolled for much of the night, and just before daylight peered over our fair city, we saw it. A huge, nearly invisible creature, with massive claws that glinted in the thin beam of morning sunlight that had miraculously flickered by us. Toa Naho started forwards, her rapier in hand and ready to swipe at the smallest movement. But, just like that, the beast was gone again as the sunlight slithered back. The sun was rising behind us, and Toa Naho was uneasily glancing at the shrinking shadows on the street, weapon still raised and ready. After a minute or so, she sheathed her blade, looking vaguely worried.

 

I now wonder if I should have regretted volunteering to deliver the news, but I do not feel like it is something that I would leave to anyone else. I was, after all, the one to record the goings-on of the city. So, for once, I was the courier instead of the Chronicler.

 

I would see something dreadful that morning, but I did not know it, as I raced with sunbeams towards the impressive silhouette of the Coliseum on the horizon, praying that the thing was not lurking in the alleys or skulking after me in the shadows. I made it to the doors and thanked the Great Spirit between gasps of exhaustion and relief. I had ascended the stone steps, walked through the silent corridors, and saw the Turaga’s door ajar.

 

I should not have looked.

 

I saw… I saw something terrible. Shadows clung to the walls, the ceiling, the floor, and circled around the Turaga himself. But it was not the Turaga, not the Turaga we respected and trusted. It was a monster, a twisted creature who wore the guise of the Turaga of Metru Nui. It looked like the Turaga, and yet it was not him, it could not be, it was too gnarled and tainted in soul.

 

This image of the beast in the Turaga’s clothing flashed by in a mere instant, and suddenly the room was golden, lit by the sunrise filtering through thin curtains, fluttering softly in the soft breath of a morning breeze. Turaga Dume turned from his mirror, and smiled at me. It was not a nice smile.

 

“Now, now, Kodan,” he chided, the sickly leer still etched in his features. “I did tell you I was not having any more… visits.”

 

My heartlight flashed erratically, and I tried to cover it with a hand and feign my sheer horror was mere exhaustion. “Ah, my apologies, Turaga. I meant no disrespect. Toa Naho and I decided to look for that creature last night, you see, to put those rumours to rest-“

 

“And I trust you found them to be nothing but silly stories?”

 

“Quite the opposite, Turaga. We saw the beast, it was just as the Matoran had described-“

 

The Turaga raised a hand to quiet me. “Oh, my. So, you are making up stories too, are you?”

 

“No, Turaga! We saw it!”

 

“Wouldn’t it be a problem if you told more of these... lies? Poor Matoran might believe you, and that would do nothing but cause an unnecessary panic.” 

It pains me even to think on what happened next, even as fleetingly as a brief recall for the sake of this journal. It was a scene that will undoubtedly plague my nightmares for the rest of my however short life. It was terrifying, it was gruesome to see, and I could only shield myself from what was to come. I felt that I was doomed as the monster loomed over me, its ugly maw a mere hand width from my mask. I fell to the floor and curled with my arms over my head in a desperate attempt to protect myself, but I could feel the thing’s breath, hot and putrid, on the back of my neck. I couldn’t look at the face again, the mottled, rusted thing that glared at me with crimson, burning slits and was almost like a Rahi but not a Rahi, it was too scheming, too… too…

 

“Turaga?”

 

I opened my eyes, and saw Toa Naho looking at me, concerned. The Turaga was kneeling at my side as if I had collapsed. The Turaga then told Toa Naho that perhaps I should take a day from my usual duties and, perhaps, follow her along to close a sea gate. It wasn’t going to be exciting, but it would give me reason to have a well-earned break. I tried to object, but unfortunately, neither the Turaga or Toa Naho would have any of it. So, I left with Toa Naho, and she allowed me to stop by my hut before we set off with another Toa.

 

I know I will not return from this voyage. I know that Turaga Dume- or whatever is in his place- knows that I learned his secret. And I know that he will continue whatever he is planning, unless someone can stop him.

 

I haven’t told Toa Naho about this. Hopefully, if I tell no one, I will be the only one to be eliminated. I doubt she would believe me if I told her, anyway; she would most likely tell me it was due to my faint, or from a night without sleep. So, I will leave my journal, hidden from the Turaga’s impostor and that Kanoka-wielding, clawed beast that stalks our streets. I will place it somewhere only a true, pure-hearted resident of Metru Nui can find it, and pray that they will be able to ward off whatever evil those monsters plan to bring.

 

~~~

 

1: This is not Toa Naho's confirmed weapon, it is simply artistic licence on the part of the writer. Her Toa Tool is as of yet unconfirmed.

Edited by ZippyWharrgarbl
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones
  • Upvote 2

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Minor grammatical stuff:

 

...but he seems to avoid public encounters which are one-on-one or require too much talk with another person

 

"That" would be more correct than "which". Also, the sentence sounds a tad off to me, but that just may be my style of writing/reading.

 

 

 

..he rarely acts in such a way, but what other reason could he have had?

 

Tense trouble: Kodan has been speaking in present tense until this sentence.

 

 

“Wouldn’t it be a problem if you told more... lies.

 

Question mark needed :).

 

It pains me even to think on what happened next fleetingly, that scene that will srely plague my nightmares for the rest of my however short life.

 

This sentence is rather awkwardly constructed (and contains a spelling error :P). Perhaps "It pains me to think on what happened next, even fleetingly. That scene will (I'm not sure what word you're trying to put here) plague nightmares for the rest of my life, however short it may be.

 

 

 

I see no cannon issues though, so you're good there :D!

 

 

 

"So I'm TL now?"

"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"

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Thank you very, very much! I'll get these things sorted out immediately.

 

It's good to hear that there are no canon inconsistencies, though! That was my main worry.

 

EDIT: Okay, I fixed up all the stuff you mentioned!

 

1) "I’m sure I am not the only one to notice this, but he seems to avoid public encounters which are one-on-one or require too much talk with another person"

 

was edited to:

 

"I’m sure I am not the only one to notice this, but he seems to avoid public encounters that are one-on-one or require too much casual conversation."

 

2) "At first, I assumed it was merely a passing mood of the Turaga’s; he rarely acts in such a way, but what other reason could he have had?"

 

was edited to:

 

"At first, I assumed it was merely a passing mood of the Turaga’s; he rarely acts in such a way, but what other reason could he have for such odd behaviour?"

 

3) "Wouldn’t it be a problem if you told more... lies."

 

was edited to:

 

"Wouldn't it be a problem if you told more of these... lies?"

 

4) "It pains me even to think on what happened next fleetingly, that scene that will srely plague my nightmares for the rest of my however short life."

 

was edited to:

 

"It pains me even to think on what happened next, even as fleetingly as a brief recall for the sake of this journal. It was a scene that will undoubtedly plague my nightmares for the rest of my however short life."

 

This leaves the final word count at 1229 words, not counting the title.

Edited by ZippyWharrgarbl

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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  • 4 weeks later...

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.

 

Some verb uses didn't sound quite right to me, but I don't think they qualify as mistakes. I also have found nothing that prevents Kodan from knowing about the false Dume, so there are no canon issues either.

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My collection of epics: The Sanctum of Writing

 

 

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

What we have here is a small time psychological thriller, telling the story of Makuta's usurpation of Turaga Dume's role from the perspective of a Matoran. You did well describing the thoughts and sensations as witnessed by Kodan, relaying his emotions very clearly. I also like how you gave Makuta a legitimate reason to have Kodan eliminated.

 

However, I don't think Makuta would have really been so careless as to leave a door open in the middle of him doing... whatever it was he was doing. I also would have liked to see more of Kodan himself, such as him interacting with a witness to Nidhiki's prowls, or a conversation with Toa Naho. We only get to see him interact with his elder, "Turaga Dume." I feel that you could have done well to show Kodan interacting with someone else, just to spice it up.

 

All in all, I found this story to my liking, though I would have done some things a little differently. I wish you luck in the contest, Ms. ZippyWharrgarbl.

 

Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
- Ecclesiastes 4:12

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Thank you, Toa of Italy, for passing my story!

 

Thanks, X-Ray! And I agree with you that Makuta Teridax probably wouldn't be that careless; I would change that, but it's a bit tricky to, since if he was REALLY as careful as he usually is, he'd have locked the door. I didn't really realise this error until you ponted it out, so thanks! Maybe I'll just say that maybe he was sort of careless that day and decided to be more careful in future.

 

I also agree that I probably should have developed Kodan more and had him interact with more people. In the future, I'll see to it that I put more thought into things like this. At the time, I was a little worried about keeping it as canon as possible. I didn't want to add in a character who didn't fit- this was a problem in the first draft of the story, which had much more interaction but read more like a shopping list than a work of fiction. I probably shouldn't have dropped the interaction, ha ha!

 

And thank you very much for your well-thought review, Mister X-Ray! And good luck to you on your future endeavours!

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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  • 9 months later...
  • 11 months later...

Alright, I've finally read this.

 

The only possible issue I noticed was establishing Naho's weapon. That's the kind of thing the contest rules forbid, so I'd prefer that be edited out (a weapon / Toa Tool can be mentioned but no specifics). I won't call this essential, though, as technically it doesn't state that it's her normal weapon.

 

As to the door being ajar, I don't see an issue there. We've never been told that Makuta (or Dume) always lock doors as far as I know, and Makuta certainly does make mistakes. Plus, at that point I don't know that it really mattered as he was probably already planning to off Kodan and the Toa Mangai anyway.

 

So, calling this good to go for polls. :)

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

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Alright, I've finally read this.

 

The only possible issue I noticed was establishing Naho's weapon. That's the kind of thing the contest rules forbid, so I'd prefer that be edited out (a weapon / Toa Tool can be mentioned but no specifics). I won't call this essential, though, as technically it doesn't state that it's her normal weapon.

 

As to the door being ajar, I don't see an issue there. We've never been told that Makuta (or Dume) always lock doors as far as I know, and Makuta certainly does make mistakes. Plus, at that point I don't know that it really mattered as he was probably already planning to off Kodan and the Toa Mangai anyway.

 

So, calling this good to go for polls. :)

 

I didn't realise there was a rule against naming weapons. I figured it was such a minute detail, and one that had no effect on the plot, but I'm sorry about that.

 

Also, while I'm happy that this is all right to go to polls, I have a question: I've mentioned before that I'd like to reword some cringeworthy passages. However, due to me being really busy for the last few months, I haven't had the time to fix up any of these. Is it still all right for me to do so within, say, the next few weeks? If not, at what time are edits not allowed?

 

Thank you for the feedback, by the way. Though this is sort of old, I still like this little piece. In that it doesn't make me immediately try and curl into myself with embarrassment at the thought of it. It's always nice when I can think of an old story like that.

Edited by ZippyWharrgarbl

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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I haven't set a definite date, but I think I'll leave November open. (I still need to PM some other members to give a final notice for edits.)

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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I haven't set a definite date, but I think I'll leave November open. (I still need to PM some other members to give a final notice for edits.)

Ohhhhh thank goodness. Yeah, I'll be free like halfway through November so this is actually great. Thank you for the heads up!

Edited by ZippyWharrgarbl

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Here are the edits made to the story. It's quite a long list, so I'll put them under a spoilers tag (I suppose they count as spoilers, since they have some parts from the end of the story, anyway). If that's an issue, I'll fix it up. They're all changes to grammar or wording, and there has been no change to the storyline.

 

1. “It’s been a while since I’ve written here, but I feel recent event will have to be recorded, and this time, I will not be carving it for the public to see tomorrow, when the couriers spread word of the city’s news to every home on Metru Nui.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“It has been a while since I’ve written here, but I feel these recent events must be recorded. This time, however, I will not be carving it for the public to see tomorrow, when the couriers spread word of the city’s news to every home on Metru Nui.”

 

2. “But they kept coming, more and more Matoran coming to the Toa and myself with stories of sinister-looking beings skulking around at night.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“But they persisted, more and more Matoran coming to the Toa and myself with stories of sinister-looking being skulking around at dusk.”

 

3. “After so many reports, I hesitantly handed the reports on to Turaga Dume, who sent me a response in the form of a written letter, stating that I was to record actual news, not tricks of the light, and I was forbidden to print any of the accounts. No matter how much I told the growing number of Matoran witnesses, they would not waver in their insistence.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“After the reports of encounters failed to cease, I hesitantly handed them on to Turaga Dume, who sent me a response in the form of a written letter, stating that I was to record actual news, not tricks of the light, and I was forbidden to print any of the accounts. However, no matter what I told the growing number of witnesses, they would not waver in their insistence.”

 

4. “We patrolled for much of the night, and just before daylight peered over our fair city, we saw it.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“We patrolled for most of the night, and just before daylight peered over our fair city, we saw it.”

 

5. “This image of the beast in the Turaga’s clothing flashed by in a mere instant, and suddenly the room was golden, lit by the sunrise filtering through thin curtains, fluttering softly in the soft breath of a morning breeze.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“This image of the beast in the Turaga’s clothing flashed by in a mere instant, and suddenly the room was golden, lit by the sunrise filtering through thin curtains, fluttering gently in the soft breath of a morning breeze.”

 

 

6. “Turaga Dume turned from his mirror, and smiled at me. It was not a nice smile.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“Turaga Dume turned from his mirror and smiled at me. It was not a nice smile.”

 

7. ““Wouldn’t it be a problem if you told more of these... lies? Poor Matoran might believe you, and that would do nothing but cause an unnecessary panic.”” – This line was edited to have a space underneath.

 

8. “I opened my eyes, and saw Toa Naho looking at me, concerned.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“I opened my eyes and saw Toa Naho looking at me, concerned.”

 

9. “The Turaga then told Toa Naho that perhaps I should take a day from my usual duties and, perhaps, follow her along to close a sea gate.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“The Turaga then told Toa Naho that I should take a day from my usual duties and, perhaps, follow her along to close a sea gate.”

 

10. “I tried to object, but unfortunately, neither the Turaga or Toa Naho would have any of it.”

 

Was changed to:

 

“I tried to object, but unfortunately, neither the Turaga nor Toa Naho would have any of it.”

 

EDIT: A footnote was just added to clarify the nature of Toa Naho's Toa Tool: "1: This is not Toa Naho's confirmed weapon, it is simply artistic licence on the part of the writer. Her Toa Tool is as of yet unconfirmed."

Edited by ZippyWharrgarbl

Memoirs of the Dead entry: The Unknown Turaga, a tale from the late Chronicler Kodan's journal.


Strakk's Best Friend, the story of a confusing yet somehow canon friendship.


Terrible Comics, a collection of comics that are terrible.

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