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Murder Mystery

Posted by Velox , Mar 13 2010 · 39 views

Literature
Okay, so, for a long time now I've wanted to write a murder mystery [thanks to Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes, and the old TV show called "Columbo"].

Now I have finally started it, finishing the prologue today [and of course, thanks to Nuju for pointing out a few mistakes for me]. This also is one of my entries for this "week's" [since this time it's longer than a week] exercise.

It currently doesn't have a title, but if you guys have any ideas I'd like to hear them. Not sure when I'll write more, but I hope to soon [and, for those curious, it will not be a BIONICLE-themed epic]. I tried to use a lot of description, so hopefully I did well on that. Anyway, all comments/constructive criticisms are very welcome. I would love to know what you guys think. ^^

QUOTE
.....Evan Jameston, famed and acclaimed writer, puffed away pensively at a pipe as his fingers clattered away on an old typewriter. He came to the end of the page, but before removing the milky parchment, he looked out the window next to his maple desk. The clouds had been swelling up, and if it weren’t for his clock he would have never guessed it was nearly four in the afternoon. Without his two lamps, the room would have been in almost complete darkness.

.....Moments later, droplets began to tap upon the glass plane of the window as if they desired entrance into the smoky room. The pairs of droplets soon multiplied into scores. The noise resounded through the room as the beads simultaneously hit the glass. The loud clap of thunder was followed by a yellow dagger piercing the sky.

.....Turning his attention back to the typewriter, he took out the piece of paper and hastily read it over before crumpling it up into a ball and lobbing it into the waste basket on the side of his desk, already half-full from the other various pages he had thrown away today, making little-to-no progress since the night before.

.....He sighed to himself, taking the pencil from its resting place on his ear and tossing it onto the desk before him, watching it bounce back and forth across the dusty surface before landing horizontally and rolling a short distance. Taking the pipe out of his mouth and placing it on its holder, he stood up from his chair, making his way to the stereo system at the far end of the room to turn on the radio to his favorite music station [classical, of course], and sat down in his preferred chair near the fireplace, which spread its warmth throughout the cold room.

.....The writer picked up a newspaper on the table adjacent to his chair and began to read, calming himself and letting the thoughts in his mind about the progress he had made today [or lack thereof] be driven off.

~

.....After about fifteen minutes of reading and relaxing, Evan came to feel he was ready to begin writing again. The chair rocked back and forth as he stood up, making his way to his desk again. The soft squeak of his chair was accompanied by the click of his typewriter being reloaded. Nearly an hour later Mr. Jameston found he had written seven full sheets of paper, a commendable feat given his previous failure the night before.

.....Feeling the pangs of hunger gnawing at him, he abandoned the papers on his desk and proceeded to the kitchen, where he prepared a sandwich with a grilled chicken breast, bacon, cheddar cheese, and lettuce [I dislike this list greatly] on French bread; consuming it before it could touch the plate he had set out for it. Draining the glass of milk he had poured with his dinner, Mr. Jameston walked back to his desk where he tidied up the stack of pages and stapled them. Counting twenty-seven pages, he was extremely pleased with the short story that had been in-the-works for nearly a week-and-a-half.

....."Time to edit," he muttered to himself; the short celebration over.

.....Leaning back, he turned the lamp on his desk to illuminate the papers sufficiently, and, pencil in hand, he began to read while crossing words out and making various marks.

~

.....Finishing the thirteenth page, he looked once again at his clock to see that it was approaching midnight rapidly.

.....Good, he thought, I’ll be able to finish it tonight. He knew that he would be up past one or two, but didn’t let that bother him; he had been up later in the night before, after all.

.....As the hours went flew past, Mr. Jameston could feel the weariness overcoming him. His mind started to doze off, and after a few minutes he fell asleep completely; never once to have a dream.

~

.....About two blocks away, a man ran silently away from Evan Jameston's small apartment; his long trench-coat billowed behind in his wake as he sprinted away from the fresh murder site.


[Edited after Kopakalaka's suggestions]

-Velox


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I dunno. I'm not the best English student, but I tried to give you some ideas. Most of your sentences start out the same, with the guy as the subject constantly. Personification is a great tool, and can really paint a scene well. ¯\(º_O)/¯

Also, you are using a lot of descriptions, but they aren't as specific as the could. There are plenty of more specific, and often shorter, ways of saying what you want to. Try using a thesaurus more?

Laka
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My comments to your edits above^.

QUOTE
I dunno. I'm not the best English student, but I tried to give you some ideas. Most of your sentences start out the same, with the guy as the subject constantly. Personification is a great tool, and can really paint a scene well. ¯\(º_O)/¯

Also, you are using a lot of descriptions, but they aren't as specific as the could. There are plenty of more specific, and often shorter, ways of saying what you want to. Try using a thesaurus more?

Laka


Laka you are awesome. Thanks a bunch for pointing those out to me [especially using the word "smoky" -- dunno how I forgot to add the pipe in there =P].

And, yeah, one of my biggest problems is saying "he___ then he ___ his ___" et cetera. Hopefully I'll fix that some time. I'll keep in mind the thesaurus-thing, too.

Thanks a lot again. ^^

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Shadow Kurahk
Mar 14 2010 02:37 AM
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This is all I could get done, since it's so late. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

-SK
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QUOTE
This is all I could get done, since it's so late. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

-SK


Thanks a bunch for the review; even though I didn't completely agree with everything [though, really, I think it's just a matter of preference for most of said things], I greatly appreciate the review. It's nice to see what other people think.

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Confusing [is he dead? oho suspense! tongue.gif] but good.

I like and want more. Oh, and I couldn't find any issues/fixes I'd suggest, so...just keep it up!

-Z-
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QUOTE(-Zaxvo- @ Mar 15 2010, 04:02 PM)
Confusing [is he dead? oho suspense! tongue.gif] but good.

I like and want more. Oh, and I couldn't find any issues/fixes I'd suggest, so...just keep it up!

-Z-


What part exactly was confusing? The end? Well, I wouldn't say it was supposed to be confusing, but definitely mysterious. The two hints I gave were the fact that he didn't dream [after all, death is sometimes referred to as "the eternal sleep" but obviously you don't dream] and that the man was running from the fresh murder site, so there was a murder in the writer's apartment, at least.

But thanks for the comment; I'm glad you liked it. Not sure when I'll write more -- I wanna finish a BIONICLE-related story I'm working on first which should be done soon -- but I keep getting more and more ideas that I write down so I hope to write a good amount of the story over spring break [if not all of it, but who knows].

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Paragon of Demacia
Mar 20 2010 05:31 PM
GOD TRENCHCOATS

WHY
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