blogs_blog_1374

Ancient promises . . . oaths that bind the future . . . a destiny at long last fulfilled. . . . In other words, sorry I took so long, but better late than never.

 

Now, on the whole, I was very much confused with some of the story detail. I don't like being dropped in amidst information that, without explanation, makes no sense. There's obviously a deeper story behind this one, but as a reader it doesn't make me happy that you're keeping it a secret from me. Immediately you plunge me into an inexplicable tangle of long-distance communication and glow-in-the-dark swords and laser-flashlights and demons. It only gets worse later on with Aardses and Craytus and some nubilous nuance about Nuada or something such. And the "everybody with a brain should know what an Aardse is" air with which you introduce all this fictional information is highly irritating.

 

I think this could be smoothed over in the opening by, for one thing, cutting out the first seven paragraphs and going straight to the action scene. That scene was pretty straightforward--until the part about the laser-flashlight, which of course demands further illumination already. Problem is, at least the initial paragraphs introduced the flashlight, whereas without them it would really come into the story out of nowhere.

 

A guy named Monosmith has a sword named Thomas. I chuckled. "I am the mighty warrior Tjakifridelr! Fear the wrath of my mighty blade, Bob!" But that's a ridiculous exaggeration and I honestly don't see anything wrong with the sword's name. I only find it mildly amusing.

 

Okay, so I read the story through and I still don't know what an Aardse is. I cannot understand why Soul Struggle was not described. It bewilders me that it was revealed with such abrupt suddenness that Monosmith is one. And I wonder why Monosmith hasn't any wings, because Soul Struggle, fellow Aardse, does.

 

The development of the relationship between Monosmith and Soul Struggle was unnaturally hasty. Soul Struggle has some vaguely adumbrated power to inspire comfort in her companions, all right, that's an excuse; but it's a small and obscure one, not to mention a cheap one even if the point was elaborated further. Monosmith warmed up to her too quickly.

 

He has, it seems, a propensity for doing that. And yet, he never smiles, suggesting a character far less warm than he seems to possess. I love Monosmith--he's intriguingly mysterious, with a stolid, husky charisma. But his capriciously amorous ways are stereotypical, and moreover seem incongruent with his personality. As for Buzzy and Soul Struggle, they didn't seem to have much personality at all. Buzzy struck me as the jovial, effervescent type; I'm not quite sure what gave me that impression, but I got it, and was disappointed that he never acted in accordance with that impression. He himself said he was a friendly type--but his conduct was not as friendly as it should have been. Soul Struggle was, I thought, meant to be impersonal; she was something of a phantom, intended to be vague and ethereal in character. But against all this she displays an amount of emotion that, without personality, makes her all the emptier.

 

The attack on their campsite was abrupt. Why did the creatures attack so suddenly? And why did it occur to him that they would just in time to turn around and see them coming? If his Aardse sense was tingling I would have liked to know.

 

One moment the IDTD was stolen by the creatures, and the next Soul Struggle had it. That, too, was confusing and abrupt.

 

The description of the giant nuadine beast was probably the most disappointing part of the entire story. This was a moment to inject the reader with the very fear the characters felt, but it was so fraught with poor word choice and general inelegance that the creature came across as nothing more than grotesque.

 

Soul Struggle's death was sudden, abrupt, and anticlimactic. It was only natural for Monosmith to shed no tears; he had no reason to care that much about her. But I was surprised that his reaction to her death was as passioante as it was. And what was this about her turning around in the end? What, after all, did she really do that was so heroic? So she didn't selfishly save herself; even that was left vague. If you had emphasized the potential of her betrayal it would have been better, but as it was she died by mere happenstance after doing precious little worthy of any recognition.

 

What did I like about the story? I loved the concept. I loved the characters and I wanted more out of them, and to see more of them. I wanted to know what an Aardse was and what they did. I wanted to know where the characters were and what these semi-invisible native demons were. I wanted to know more about Craytus and nuadines and I wanted to know where that random beast at the end came from. In general I wanted what this story severely lacked. But this is just the sort science fantasy I like, a mingling of classic sci-fi with mythology and spiritualism, filled with wisdom, big-picture profundity, and allegorical significance.

 

My overall thoughts: I want to read more; unless it means I have to suffer your mercilessly lax grammar, vacuous word choice, uninformative descriptions, undeveloped characterization, vagueness, and precipitation. These are, I must say, problems I did not come across in your other works, problems I did not at all expect from you. I've seen stories like this, but I never thought I'd see one from you. To its credit it had, at least, its redeeming qualities: the concept behind it, chiefly, but others as well, such as well-written action scenes and a profound causerie, both of which are things I very much adore. I was mainly disappointed because I know you can do so much better.

 

 

On an impertinent note, I have to say, this was the best line in the story:

 

 

"Bite me."

 

 

By the way, I've heard you're not a fan of circumlocution.

 

 

. . . and with the proper intensity it is my hypothesis that a focused beam of ten terrajoules per second would be sufficient in smiting this fiend!"

 

 

I was okay with most of it until you came to "smiting this fiend." That outright murdered the sentence. And in the middle of a battle this is way too much eloquence.

 

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

AFTERWORD: This story was written one Monday night for something called the Fortnightly Flash Fiction Contest, until I realized that there was a word limit. Otherwise, I decided to take the theme of “Pathfinding” and use the strongest images to come to my mind, stringing together a story that, for me, was like a night of steady dreams. Sometimes I dream and create a story, and the dream is interesting enough that I will put off waking up until it is finished. Then it is gone, and I forget the dream, but even though it was ultimately very simple, there was something incredibly intriguing about it that sticks with me, and I remember the desires I had in my slumber to continue on with the path of these apparitions to their very end.

Looking back, I realize that there were things going on in my life as I wrote this, and I know what meaning this story has for me. How this applies to my life, I won't tell anyone. That's for me to know, and if people cannot decipher its true meaning, than that's good. As Don McLean said, “You will find many interpretations of my lyrics but none of them by me.... Sorry to leave you all on your own like this but long ago I realized that songwriters should make their statements and move on, maintaining a dignified silence.” He wrote my favorite song, “American Pie”, which has inspired me as an author ever since, especially in stories such as this. People can find their own interpretations for all they like and try to understand the story, and I have written it so that in some sort of way it makes intuitive sense, but I will not explain what I was trying to express on a deeper level, or what was truly going on in Monosmith's head.

What I will say is that everything in this story makes complete sense when viewed in light of the greater mythology in which it takes place. The apparent contradictions have their explanations, and there are, in fact, a number of things within this story that nobody will notice but secretly affected everything. Almost every paragraph included a subtle reference to something greater within the mythology, and literally every exchange between Monosmith and Soul Struggle had a much deeper subtext. In this story, nothing is as it seems. I am content with that, especially since I wanted to be completely true to my mythology without giving anything away. The result is a story in which the characters and events do not all make complete sense on the surface, but seen within the context of their respective stories, it is a very truthful account of who they would be in this particular instant.

I make a great effort not to define my characters through characterization. That turns them into a jumble of personality traits and quirks, a science of behavior patterns and typecasting. People are more complex than that, they contradict themselves, and are ultimately more than just personalities. I see Monosmith, Buzzy, and Soul each as a person with a story. None of these are revealed, except for the end of Soul Struggle's story when she becomes Beautiful Soul. She receives what is perhaps the least characterization of them all, and is defined in this story purely by her actions and what is hinted at about her dark past. I as the author have a better idea of what her story is within the official mythology that inspired this non-canon piece, but ultimately, that it not important. What matters is that she's an open book, someone who fills the readers with questions. There was not enough time to characterize her, especially since the story did not take place from her perspective, and I didn't want to share what she meant to me personally, nor give any hints, so it is ultimately up to the reader to get invested, think critically, and use some intuition to create a character that matches the person who displayed these actions, and by all means I hope they create something pleasing to them.

---

Now, in response to some of the things Nuile said:

 

There's obviously a deeper story behind this one, but as a reader it doesn't make me happy that you're keeping it a secret from me.

Well, that's true. I think this is a matter of preference, though, and as a writer, I think I accomplished what I set out to achieve. For reasons stated in my afterword (not wanting to give away spoilers, desiring to guard my own heart, wanting a dreamlike sensation), I was clearly not going to explain everything, so much as hope that the reader knows everything makes sense on some level. It takes a little faith, but not much.

And trust me, your statement was only the tip of the iceberg. If you're ever watched The Usual Suspects, there are several moments within the story with a “Keyser Soze” detail (If you haven't seen that movie, I'm not going to explain what that reference means).

 

I think this could be smoothed over in the opening by, for one thing, cutting out the first seven paragraphs and going straight to the action scene. That scene was pretty straightforward--until the part about the laser-flashlight, which of course demands further illumination already. Problem is, at least the initial paragraphs introduced the flashlight, whereas without them it would really come into the story out of nowhere.

I decided I wanted it to be that way. As it happens, you were reading the first draft, which I have now replaced with the second draft. The second draft actually resolves this problem somewhat with a little extra foreshadowing. It may or may not be within your taste, but I don't think that it can objectively be judged as either being in "good taste" or "bad taste". It is what it is, and it was how I wanted to write it in hindsight. I don't think that the second draft will please you much more, since I know what your tastes are in this regard, but hopefully you might think of this as being a little more elegant than before.

Meanwhile, I wanted the story to start with Monosmith talking to Buzzy. I could have started it later, but to me, this was where the story started. It was really important for me that they be whispering to each other.

 

A guy named Monosmith has a sword named Thomas.

 

There's an incredibly deep and meaningful story to both these names, actually, but that probably doesn't surprise you. Of course, it does make a little more sense in context. This story isn't about explaining the context, though.

Okay, so I read the story through and I still don't know what an Aardse is. I cannot understand why Soul Struggle was not described. It bewilders me that it was revealed with such abrupt suddenness that Monosmith is one. And I wonder why Monosmith hasn't any wings, because Soul Struggle, fellow Aardse, does.

 

I mustered an evil chuckle when I read this. And no, I'm not telling you why. This was one of the most satisfying parts of your response to read.

Actually, though, I think that what was important to me was to give the sense that there was a bond, but it played no purpose into the story to explain what an Aardse was. I might not have even mentioned species at all, save for the feel of a mystic fantasy story I wanted to go for, and I also wanted to give a name for the type of person Soul Struggle was, to give a sense that she was different, and to give a name to the nature of the bonding experience between her and Monosmith. I'm glad it makes you curious, but this is definitely not a story for answers, mainly just questions.

The development of the relationship between Monosmith and Soul Struggle was unnaturally hasty. Soul Struggle has some vaguely adumbrated power to inspire comfort in her companions, all right, that's an excuse; but it's a small and obscure one, not to mention a cheap one even if the point was elaborated further. Monosmith warmed up to her too quickly.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it since the characters didn't make a big deal out of it, but what they were experiencing was a "literal spirit of honesty". When I said "literal", I meant "literal". A spirit of honesty surrounds her.

Here's where I will throw you a bone. Many Aardses have spirits around them. There was one named Hero, and he had a spirit of unity and music about him, which basically inspired people to be able to sing in unison a song they didn't even know (presuming that they were willing). Another might have a spirit of courage, which could inspire people who desired to do good but were held back by fear. Soul Struggle relationship with nature was to be surrounded by a spirit of honesty. I don't regret not elaborating on that, but it's interesting that you bring it up, and that's a question I'm perfectly happy to answer outside of the story.

Also, trust me, Monosmith wasn't affected by the spirit in any way. And there's a ton of backstory for that, too. As for the true nature for why he "warmed up to her" (Why did I put that in quotation marks, hm? Maybe because I'm suggesting that this presumption is an illusion, or maybe I'm just trying to mess with you. You never know.), I'm not going to reveal it. There was, as with everything else, a bunch of story and elements from the mythology that were being pulled into this. There was definitely a whole second conversation going on that you couldn't see, and I'm content to have people guess.

My main regret, however, is that as a written story, there are certain things that I cannot do. I'm not going to spend paragraphs describing how these characters are acting, because that would be too cumbersome but I would love it if it was possible to act this scene out and present it visually. I imagine this story with certain faces and acting styles in mind, and if you could see the actors in this scene, it would completely change the chemistry of what's going on, and would add an entirely different element to the story. Since I couldn't do that, I decided not to worry about that. I have an image in my head for this scene that, as its originator, I can keep it constant every time. However, for everyone else, the unique advantage to this medium is that they can imagine the chemistry in this scene in a different way every time, and it isn't solidified or confined to a single image. The moment something is put on film, it's frozen and concrete, and lacks the magic of the shifting images that come with reading.

Just putting that out there. If you want the same ideas put into more charming words, read Stephen King's forward to The Stand.

 

He has, it seems, a propensity for doing that. And yet, he never smiles, suggesting a character far less warm than he seems to possess. I love Monosmith--he's intriguingly mysterious, with a stolid, husky charisma. But his capriciously amorous ways are stereotypical, and moreover seem incongruent with his personality. As for Buzzy and Soul Struggle, they didn't seem to have much personality at all. Buzzy struck me as the jovial, effervescent type; I'm not quite sure what gave me that impression, but I got it, and was disappointed that he never acted in accordance with that impression. He himself said he was a friendly type--but his conduct was not as friendly as it should have been. Soul Struggle was, I thought, meant to be impersonal; she was something of a phantom, intended to be vague and ethereal in character. But against all this she displays an amount of emotion that, without personality, makes her all the emptier.

 

He's, uh, incredibly complicated. Since this is kind of common knowledge in the Ambage, it's odd that you wouldn't know this by now, but Monosmith is essentially myself in my literary world. I takes notes on myself all the time to create a comprehensive image of who I am as a person. As it turns out, I'm filled with contradictions, but I kind of knew that. It's interesting to see how a fantasy narrative of who I am as a person turns out.

As for Buzzy, I didn't find it necessary to characterize him so much, because this wasn't his story. The emphasis was mainly on Monosmith, with some open ends with Soul Struggle. You are correct when you interpret him as jovial, although that doesn't necessarily mean his behavior must at all times be effervescent. Again, I'm not going to explain him, but he's a complex character as well, and he acted within that character for this particular appearance. I definitely know how to characterize when he gets into a situation where he's allowed to shine, but he was primarily in this story as someone to help ground Monosmith and not as a character to be characterized, but as a person with a story.

I'm just wondering, though, as to why you thought his conduct was unfriendly.

 

If his Aardse sense was tingling I would have liked to know.

More backstory.

 

One moment the IDTD was stolen by the creatures, and the next Soul Struggle had it. That, too, was confusing and abrupt.

Ah, see, this is one of the problems I will agree with you on, since you were reading my first draft of the story and I was unaware that I had posted my first draft on BZPower instead of my second draft. Had I known, I would not have wanted you to read it. The missing element was added in my own proofreading.

 

What did I like about the story? I loved the concept. I loved the characters and I wanted more out of them, and to see more of them. I wanted to know what an Aardse was and what they did. I wanted to know where the characters were and what these semi-invisible native demons were. I wanted to know more about Craytus and nuadines and I wanted to know where that random beast at the end came from. In general I wanted what this story severely lacked. But this is just the sort science fantasy I like, a mingling of classic sci-fi with mythology and spiritualism, filled with wisdom, big-picture profundity, and allegorical significance.

I have good news for you: I will write more with these characters. Of course, I already discussed theis with you in private. But really, it was a treat when you managed to describe the feel of the story with the sentence that I just put in bold, which are all the right words I could have ever used to describe how I want my creative vision to be seen. With that, I know I have succeeded in creating exactly the type of atmosphere I want for this series.

In many ways, the story was actually concept art and falls under impressionism more than realism and romanticism.

Also, you mentioned Craytus, this being the second time in this review you have mentioned him, and I only mentioned him once in passning in the story. I find that pretty interesting. Of course, I implied that the character was important, but I only said it in passing, and it's interesting that of all things, this was something specific that piqued your interest. I definitely look forward to future stories and my web serial answering questions you might have on him and the Aardses sometime soon.

I want to read more; unless it means I have to suffer your mercilessly lax grammar, vacuous word choice, uninformative descriptions, undeveloped characterization, vagueness, and precipitation.

Don't worry, don't worry. In fact, the only reason The Adventures of Mary aren't published yet is because I'm going to rake through the chapters I have already written to flesh out the characters I invented from scratch. The vagueness won't be as vague, since I will be writing adventure stories instead of impressionism stories, so no worries there. And, of course, I will proofread to make for the best lyrical flow. That comes with rereading and fleshing out the characters.

 

"Bite me."

Yeah, I built up to all sorts of stuff.

 

"smiting this fiend"

I'm not going to change that line. It makes sense considering his speech patterns in other such instances. Yes, it sounds a bit odd in a standalone story, but I wasn't going to contradict what I knew about the character outside the story. That's also, more or less, his version of swearing.

---

Now that I got all that covered, it is my understanding that you will react to this story again from a different angle, which I look foreward to. I especially hope to get your interpretation of the story, because one of the purposes here is to promote discussion and to get people thinking. I'm eternally curious to see how stories influence people and what people get out of them.

24601

Evidently you agreed with my previous review, for the most part, before I even wrote it; because the extended revision you neglected to share before is such a vast improvement that most of my complaints are now rendered void.

Also, I think your story died and went to grammar heaven. So much as to say, There were a few errors, but far fewer. Thank you.

But now, as requested, as promised, I will give you my "general impressions."

Any good sci-fi needs action, and that is prevalent. It's my kind of action, too: swords and massive battles, and combat with giant monsters. No duels but, alas, these are not easy to write satisfactorily. Not to mention there was no proper place for a duel.

Early on there is some adumbration of a dream which Monosmith lives to pursue. As the story progresses, he talks of rededicating himself wholeheartedly to "his calling," which appears to be some form of knight-errantry. But I don't think that's the dream he's talking about. Whatever he goes on to do, he cans till dream. I would say it is love, if it weren't for his obvious polygamous capriciousness. Maybe he's a Casanova who aspires to find his preconceived Dulcinea, but I'm not convinced. Perhaps his dream is, after all, of the first nature: the impossible dream, the dream of Don Quixote.

I had actually forgotten about Buzzy's extended youth. That's interesting, and fits his personality. I wonder how long, in that state of slowed time, his absence must have seemed to others; or if, via one of the arbitrary paradoxes of time, it only affected him, thereby making his journey--that was, say, five years in his mind, but ten to the universe at large--age him only one year for all its duration. Time, indeed, is perplexing, and has always struck me as nothing more than delusive, which is why I so enjoy seeing it twisted.
Time travel, on the other hand . . . that's another topic. I'm not a fan of time travel, because it seems absurd to me to travel through something so mental.

"Why am I always such a somber presence? There are poor people in this world, Soul. You of all people should know that. There are people who strain to see the the light and only need but a little to show them the way. People have hopes and dreams of bigger and better things, and yet Death blackens the world with sadness. They lose that light, and they lose hope. I cannot be happy so long as there is injustice in this world, so long as men have been lied to and believed in vain. I cannot delight so long as there is no mercy for those who need it most. I grieve for those who don't know the light, who don't know wisdom and what they can have. My heart is not for me alone but for all who walk this world, and what joy can fill it when there are so few who have realized the joy of love and its endless comfort. Yet fine men, good men, suffer in a world filled with only false presumptions of happiness. What am I supposed to tell them? That everything's all right? Soul, oh struggling Soul, I tell you now that there are things worth believing in, but things are not as they should be."

And then he bursts into song: "I am I, Don Monosmith, the Lord of the Time Lords, my destiny calls and I go!"

Be assured, this is not mockery (though you yourself mock his monologue): in my esteem, that song is a commendation and a very high honor. I do feel this speech
savors of something Don Quixote would say, and indeed pleases me greatly as just the sort of thing I love about science fiction and space opera, from Star Wars to Out of the Silent Planet to Princess of Mars.

But it is again Don Quixote who readily comes to mind as a comparison. This is certainly a quixotic dream, but more than a mere dream: an aspiration. I have always felt a kindred for Don Quixote, and here this speech touches me, for it is an ambition I, too, share with them. Don Quixote, Monosmith and I are very similar, and yet we have very salient disparities. Monosmith, for one, is the most pragmatic of the three. Don Quixote is the wisest and most dogmatic. Monosmith is not so assured. Soul Struggle's place is one he understands by experience; and that's not an experience than can ever be completely ended.

The campfire scene, for this monologue and the discussions that follow, is easily my favorite. Buzzy also has some very wise words to share on what comes of following dreams. These are ripplings on the surfaces of deep pools of thought.

"He reached for his IDTD, not caring if he destroyed the world, so long as he destroyed this thing."

You and me; me and Stephanie Meyer; Stephanie Meyer and virtue; virtue and Stephanie Meyer.

We all have, like Monosmith, our nuadine to destroy. We all, too, have our dreams to aspire to. Captain Ahab has his Moby Dick; Don Quixote has his star.

Her green light left the melee. He didn't count on her returning. He wanted to say something, an ill-begotten platitude to mark the solemnity of their predicament, to punctuate their sense of abandonment, but he did not want to doom them. He still believed there was a way out of this, as dark as this was, as certain as his death seemed. He wouldn't let his last words be those of scorn, either. Even if his confidence proved wrong, and this really was the end, being killed fighting a nuidine was perhaps the best way to go. It then would have all ended in the same way that is all began, and his journey had come full circle.
Just in case, he prayed in Silvertongue. "De Herr ist mein Hirte; mir werd nichts mengeln..."

This--THIS--is what the story was missing before. This and all the descriptions and reflections that surround it. I spoke too soon, calling the campfire scene my favorite so easily; it deserves the title, indeed, but not by so long a margin now.

The nuadine is fascinating in its obvious monstrosity and absolute depravity; but what I wonder about is its sapience. Can it be called a devil, or does it not have enough of a mind? Is it a mere beast, or a sentient evil?

And you've gotta love the Aardses. As the nuadine is mysterious the Aardse is enigmatic. Demoniacal, cunning, delusively self-righteous; with more dubiety lurking at the back of the mind than they admit, even to themselves. Beings of a high intelligence and a judicious sagacity, if not much true wisdom. Monosmith, of course, is in himself such an incongruency amongst his own kind that he becomes an enigma in his own right. Soul Struggle is, as her name suggests, something of an intermediate; I do not think she ever could have become as Monosmith, nor sunk completely to the level of her debauched race. There was good in her, but there was also the insuperable evil of her kind. In fact, I doubt whether even Monosmith has or can completely conquer that innermost turmoil. It is a constant battle. It is, indeed, a battle we all fight: those of us, that is, who fight it.


The story hints of something bigger lurking behind the scenes: the secret hand of the Aardses, the heinous scourge that are the nuadines, war, a universe torn and tattered by strife, tainted by evil. Yet--and this I would not have said before, but since reading the revision, I shall--this was enough in and of itself. It was a simple action/romance, and it told the story that was meant to be told, while yet giving "impressions" of some greater story, and dipping its hand in the surface of profound waters.

 

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith