I Just Watched Batman
Entry posted by Etcetere
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I'm talking about THE ORIGINAL Batman! The first ever Batman movie, made in 1966. So unimaginably awful, I plan on getting my friends together to host our own "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" on this movie. It's impossible not to make fun of, but you mostly feel sorry for the fact that these people making these movies were dead-serious. I mean... honestly.. what were they thinking?
It was a random present in a gift exchange game at Christmas. Nobody watched it until I decided to last night. I must admit, it was far more entertaining than must of the carp Hollywood comes out with these days.
The story begins with Batman and Robin getting a tip that Commodore Schmiddlapp is in trouble - his super Dehydrating invention might get stolen while shipping it on his yacht! (A situation strinkingly resemblant to the new Batman Begins movie and its Microwave Emittor) The two fly off on their Batcopter, and as Batman rides on a hanging ladder ready to board the yacht, the boat suddenly disappears (more like the camera angle shifts to show nothing but water) and Batman is suddnly waist-deep in the water now (still on the ladder). Robin raises the helicopter, but oh no! A gigantic rubber shark has been duct-taped to Batman's knee! Batman, miraculously painless, tries repeatedly in vain to beat this totally-motionless rubber monster with his fists. He radios for Robin to bring him some Bat Shark Repellent and Robin climbs down the ladder, doing a "fantastic stunt" of hanging on his knees upside-down and handing Batman the shark repellent. Batman sprays the shark's nose and the shark, not liking the particular flavor of that can of Axe, lets go and promptly explodes on impact with the water. That's right. Explodes.
Batman and Robin, using ridiculous inferring, deduces that the plot could only have been pulled by The Riddler, The Joker, The Penguin, and Cat Woman all joined together ("It was at Sea! C! C for Cat Woman!"), and that their plot must be to take over the world.
The fearsome foursome, who all but Cat Woman are played by hilarious actors who probably don't get paid enough for the roles they have to play, aboard the Penguin's penguin-decor submarine, use their new Dehydrator-Whatsit and shoot it like a lazer gun at 5 "Guinea Pigs", some poor human test subjects dressed in sweaters, turning them into nice neat little piles of gray sand. They then pour the sand into vials and prepare for various attacks on Batman. Of course, everything that they try to pull on Batman goes wrong, like Cat Woman dressing up as some Russian lady and fools Bruce Wayne into falling in love with her, so they can kidnap Bruce Wayne hoping Batman will come and rescue him (Gee, I wonder what's wrong with that plan).
The Penguin eventually disguises as Commodore Schmidlapp and convinces Batman and Robin to take him to their Bat-Cave, which is full of totally awesome high-tech light-up gadgets like Molecular Particle Organizer and Super Bat Fusion Reactor and Drinking Water Dispenser. To get those 5 "Guinea Pigs" back to life - no joke - Just add water! The Penguin unleashes his five minions, but each of them disappear once they get hit by something (Batman explains this later, but then it only makes less sense).
The four bad guys finally go into the United World Peace building or whatever (They actually used the UN building for fliming) to dehydrate nine guys in a "Safety" conference. Each one is from a country like Spain, Nigeria, Germany, United Kingdom, etc. and each one is hopelessly stereotypical. They're all arguing loudly and continuously, and the fact that they're all speaking in their own language isn't helping, so much that they don't notice the four "super-villians" standing there, or notice as the person in front of them or to the side of them suddenly disappears. Each man becomes a very neat pile of colored sand, a different one for each country, and these colors as well are stereotypical on the border of racism, and each one is swept up into a vial.
Batman and Robin finally confront them on Penguin's surfaced submarine, and fight the four bad guys (and one cat, who you feel very very sorry for throughout the duration of the movie) along with all the Dr. Seuss-dressed pirate henchmen. It's a scene full of - I'm not kidding in the least - "Pow!" "Biff!" "Sploosh!" and other (colorful) onomotopeaic comic captions popups, not to mention the lack of Batman's fists ever coming (visibly) within 6 inches of the bad guy's faces, and most of them jumping into the water on their own. Batman retrieves the vials of the nine world "leaders", (I noticed that not each vial held the same amount of sand, and deduced that some must have been fatter than others, and the blue man was a midget) but just then the real Commodore Schmiddlapp comes out demanding tea and trips over Batman, breaking the vials and sneezing to scatter the dust.
Batman and Robin, being the technological and medical geniuses they are (maybe crime-fighting is a part-time job?) develope a machine to divide the molecules of each man back into their vials (now each one has the same amount of sand!). It's an un-need-be suspenseful situation, and the world is waiting as Robin periodically keeps the County Commissioner up-to-date via the bright-red Bat-Phone, who (while being filmed on live global television) then relays the message to the President (A real-live back view of his enormous chair and his left hand petting a couple random beagles!) who then relays the message to various loudspeakers around the world that declare the message in their native language to the crowds of anxious people anticipating the results. "We've done it!" "They've done it!" "They've done it!" "Samunosuke Whatari!" (I dun know what language that is or what it means).
They bring these vials back to the conference room, set up a unique hydration-equalizer mechanism (complete with garden hose and a rusty spigot attached to a futuristic container of blue water) and bring them all back to life. The nine World Safety Officer or somethings continue arguing, but this time, all their languages are switched around! The sterotypical Nigerian is speaking spanish, and the stereotypical U.S.S.R. man is speaking excessively proper English! Batman concludes this was the greatest contribution that anyone could ever make to society, then he and Robin leave the scene "inconspicuously" by rapelling out the window. As they climb down outside, the credits roll.
It's a movie full of ridiculous stereotypes, anti-alcohol propaganda "Why did you save that riff-raff in the bar?" "Because, Robin, they may be drinkers, but they're still humans." and pro-Mother-Nature lectures.
I wish I could applaud the director's creativity in this film. But I just can't. I won't even comment on Robin hood's habit to say "Holy *Insert something that relates to the subject at hand(no, not profainty)*, Batman!" every freaking two minutes. Oh wait, I just did.
I mean, come on, what's the point in being BatMan if you have to use Shark Repellant spray to fend off an evil rubber explosive shark?
(o)
It was a random present in a gift exchange game at Christmas. Nobody watched it until I decided to last night. I must admit, it was far more entertaining than must of the carp Hollywood comes out with these days.
The story begins with Batman and Robin getting a tip that Commodore Schmiddlapp is in trouble - his super Dehydrating invention might get stolen while shipping it on his yacht! (A situation strinkingly resemblant to the new Batman Begins movie and its Microwave Emittor) The two fly off on their Batcopter, and as Batman rides on a hanging ladder ready to board the yacht, the boat suddenly disappears (more like the camera angle shifts to show nothing but water) and Batman is suddnly waist-deep in the water now (still on the ladder). Robin raises the helicopter, but oh no! A gigantic rubber shark has been duct-taped to Batman's knee! Batman, miraculously painless, tries repeatedly in vain to beat this totally-motionless rubber monster with his fists. He radios for Robin to bring him some Bat Shark Repellent and Robin climbs down the ladder, doing a "fantastic stunt" of hanging on his knees upside-down and handing Batman the shark repellent. Batman sprays the shark's nose and the shark, not liking the particular flavor of that can of Axe, lets go and promptly explodes on impact with the water. That's right. Explodes.
Batman and Robin, using ridiculous inferring, deduces that the plot could only have been pulled by The Riddler, The Joker, The Penguin, and Cat Woman all joined together ("It was at Sea! C! C for Cat Woman!"), and that their plot must be to take over the world.
The fearsome foursome, who all but Cat Woman are played by hilarious actors who probably don't get paid enough for the roles they have to play, aboard the Penguin's penguin-decor submarine, use their new Dehydrator-Whatsit and shoot it like a lazer gun at 5 "Guinea Pigs", some poor human test subjects dressed in sweaters, turning them into nice neat little piles of gray sand. They then pour the sand into vials and prepare for various attacks on Batman. Of course, everything that they try to pull on Batman goes wrong, like Cat Woman dressing up as some Russian lady and fools Bruce Wayne into falling in love with her, so they can kidnap Bruce Wayne hoping Batman will come and rescue him (Gee, I wonder what's wrong with that plan).
The Penguin eventually disguises as Commodore Schmidlapp and convinces Batman and Robin to take him to their Bat-Cave, which is full of totally awesome high-tech light-up gadgets like Molecular Particle Organizer and Super Bat Fusion Reactor and Drinking Water Dispenser. To get those 5 "Guinea Pigs" back to life - no joke - Just add water! The Penguin unleashes his five minions, but each of them disappear once they get hit by something (Batman explains this later, but then it only makes less sense).
The four bad guys finally go into the United World Peace building or whatever (They actually used the UN building for fliming) to dehydrate nine guys in a "Safety" conference. Each one is from a country like Spain, Nigeria, Germany, United Kingdom, etc. and each one is hopelessly stereotypical. They're all arguing loudly and continuously, and the fact that they're all speaking in their own language isn't helping, so much that they don't notice the four "super-villians" standing there, or notice as the person in front of them or to the side of them suddenly disappears. Each man becomes a very neat pile of colored sand, a different one for each country, and these colors as well are stereotypical on the border of racism, and each one is swept up into a vial.
Batman and Robin finally confront them on Penguin's surfaced submarine, and fight the four bad guys (and one cat, who you feel very very sorry for throughout the duration of the movie) along with all the Dr. Seuss-dressed pirate henchmen. It's a scene full of - I'm not kidding in the least - "Pow!" "Biff!" "Sploosh!" and other (colorful) onomotopeaic comic captions popups, not to mention the lack of Batman's fists ever coming (visibly) within 6 inches of the bad guy's faces, and most of them jumping into the water on their own. Batman retrieves the vials of the nine world "leaders", (I noticed that not each vial held the same amount of sand, and deduced that some must have been fatter than others, and the blue man was a midget) but just then the real Commodore Schmiddlapp comes out demanding tea and trips over Batman, breaking the vials and sneezing to scatter the dust.
Batman and Robin, being the technological and medical geniuses they are (maybe crime-fighting is a part-time job?) develope a machine to divide the molecules of each man back into their vials (now each one has the same amount of sand!). It's an un-need-be suspenseful situation, and the world is waiting as Robin periodically keeps the County Commissioner up-to-date via the bright-red Bat-Phone, who (while being filmed on live global television) then relays the message to the President (A real-live back view of his enormous chair and his left hand petting a couple random beagles!) who then relays the message to various loudspeakers around the world that declare the message in their native language to the crowds of anxious people anticipating the results. "We've done it!" "They've done it!" "They've done it!" "Samunosuke Whatari!" (I dun know what language that is or what it means).
They bring these vials back to the conference room, set up a unique hydration-equalizer mechanism (complete with garden hose and a rusty spigot attached to a futuristic container of blue water) and bring them all back to life. The nine World Safety Officer or somethings continue arguing, but this time, all their languages are switched around! The sterotypical Nigerian is speaking spanish, and the stereotypical U.S.S.R. man is speaking excessively proper English! Batman concludes this was the greatest contribution that anyone could ever make to society, then he and Robin leave the scene "inconspicuously" by rapelling out the window. As they climb down outside, the credits roll.
It's a movie full of ridiculous stereotypes, anti-alcohol propaganda "Why did you save that riff-raff in the bar?" "Because, Robin, they may be drinkers, but they're still humans." and pro-Mother-Nature lectures.
I wish I could applaud the director's creativity in this film. But I just can't. I won't even comment on Robin hood's habit to say "Holy *Insert something that relates to the subject at hand(no, not profainty)*, Batman!" every freaking two minutes. Oh wait, I just did.
I mean, come on, what's the point in being BatMan if you have to use Shark Repellant spray to fend off an evil rubber explosive shark?
(o)
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