Posted Aug 11 2012 - 08:23 PM
After reading this, I do understand your apologies to those writers. How do I say this really? Your writing reminded me rather of the bible insomuch is it was very, very brief.
No, that's not a compliment, because this is supposed to be a novel, not scripture.
There wasn't really much to go by, because there isn't much there. Literally. Only one chapter, and that one a major chapterlet. Now, it is not wrong to have an intro that short. The problem? That specific intro shouldn't have been so short.
Vakama sighed. It had been a long time since Makuta had been defeated for good. Now, there were games about be broadcast all over Spherus Magna soon.
This isn't as bad as other places, but the glaring flaw in this writing is made apparent in the briefness presented. You could have expanded it to something like this: "Vakama sighed as he stood hunched before the flames of his bonfire, present wherever he went. As he stared into the flames, they seemed to reflect the face of the Makuta Teridax, his unholy face staining the otherwise pure face as mud spoils a clean garment. But that was in the past, he reminded himself. Now, on the fully restored planet of Spherus Magna, a new series of games were about to be held, and broadcasted to all the peoples." See? 27 words becomes 80 words, while having the same meaning.
Nuparu had invented a device that allowed this to happen. Now, Vakama and the other Turaga listened to Nuparu explain this invention, but they had trouble understanding it. However, they supported it.
I'll be blunt; this part makes the first line look mild. You could have made this an entire scene, and it could have been good. Instead? you make it three sentence, and it was not good, at all. What is this device, what does it look like? How exactly did the turaga react? What did they say? I know it's supposed to be a TV, but it'd be nice to have some more info.
"No, Roger, I'm fine. I would say I'm getting too old for this, but I've been around thousands of years longer than this technology," Vakama joked.
For a comedy, I would ignore this. But Roger, in Bionicle? Sorry, but no, that's not a good name choice.
He had a feeling there was a universe where he had done this before. The first event was an Approximately 80.2 kio dash
Um, so a 40 mile dash? Do the runners have kakamas or something?
Overall, my initial reaction stays the same. I'll state my review in basic. This story is far, far, far, far, far, too brief, and it needs a lot of expanding. Do that, and it might have potential. As it is now, I don't really like to say this, but in my opinion it's not a good piece of work at all, sorry.
There's a grief that can't be spoken, there's a pain goes on and on...
Empty chairs at empty tables, where my friends will meet no more...