The Plague- Review
Posted Jun 29 2012 - 12:36 PM
AKA Toxic White
Posted Aug 24 2012 - 09:30 PM
Interstellar conflict on post-2010 Spherus Magna? Ch-yeah.
I love this concept. The post-Teridax universe you're unfolding here, with all of the new planets and species and backstories, thrills me, and it gives a writer a lot of opportunity to craft their setting and plot as they please; it shows creativity and leaves you a lot more room to create your story without running the risk of slamming into the canon bumper-car style and having to force your way through it. The Turaga Hagah concept, and the concept for their replacements, is also seriously cool, and after reading through the story once, then again, I have to say this is probably one of the potentially coolest stories around right now.
That said, as it is right now, I'm not seeing a lot that really makes this epic stick out for me. The plot itself is still in its infancy, so the various subplots have yet to actually intertwine and grow into something more substantial, but from what I'm seeing, the epic doesn't really flow that well so far. We have Lesovikk, Vezon, Hewkii, Hydraxon, and (apparently) the replacements of the Hagah, and so far we're not even past the exposition phase of the story. Perhaps, later on, things will start to branch together as The Plague becomes a greater plot element, but for now, there's not a lot that connects it together aside from the fact that a war is coming.
There were errors I noticed here and there, mostly capitalization: in places, stuff like Spherus Magna, Toa, Agori, Matoran, and the like were left uncapitalized, but at times I noticed some other errors, like these:
He yelled, remember the old foe who had once been fused to the mask of life
Should be remembering.
“We cannot trust you, Piraka. You’re kind can never be trusted.” Axonn stated, pointing at Vezon.
Should be your.
He swiftly looked to the area into which one of the agori had been killed.
Should be in which.
A final thing that I noticed was that you broke up your one chapter into two or three parts; while there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it does seem kind of odd, and it's off-putting to think that each chapter is so large that it has to be broken up into fractions in order to not daze the reader. It's just a quibble, really, and it isn't of any honest importance to the epic, but just stylistic preference; it tends to psyche me out subconsciously when a chapter is so large it has to be split into multiple posts.
All in all, you have an epic that's still in its early stages, but as of right now, you have a series of incredibly high concept ideas that, if strung together, can produce a heck of a story, and I hope that you keep this idea going strong. It'd be a shame to end things just as The Plague was starting to appear again, and I'm curious as to how all the different subplots you've started out end up melding into one. Not to mention...Hewkii and Macku. I want to see it happen; don't let me down.
Posted Jan 02 2013 - 07:55 PM
Hey, thanks for the compliments mate, and I can't believe I totally forgot I even had this story on here. The whole "splitting chapters up" is because I have been writing this story on a separate forum, and am already at chapter 7, I will be posting them all on here in the coming days, 1 per day, and making them only one part, not split up, since I can copy paste them all together. And typos noted, will fix as I come across time to do so. Thanks(:
AKA Toxic White
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