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What Makes A Hero Nothing


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#1 Offline Solaris: Electric Sentinel

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Posted Oct 22 2011 - 09:01 PM

What Makes a Hero Nothing Hiralk closed his eyes and clenched his fist. The rose he was holding bent under the grasp. He was the veteran of countless wars. He watched the Makuta fall from grace, the Toa rise against Teridax, and Mata Nui's final stand. And he got no respect from anyone. Why was he carrying a rose? He had just confessed his love to Plia, the most beautiful Toa of Water on all of Spherus Magna. She had rejected him. It was a lovely gesture, but those details are not important. Hiralk sat in a gutter in New Atero, pondering what his mistakes were. None. He regretted none of the choices he made in the past, and would live on to never come to regret them. But what if he was wrong? After all, he had been wrong before. "What's the use?" he groaned, looking down at the rose. "Maybe it's her decision." He closed his eyes again and imagined the place he had called home for a thousand years. Metru Nui. He hadn't made it out with the Toa Metru in time, so he fended for himself against the Visorak, never poisoned once. He was one of the toughest Toa around. It was a mystery. For years he had tried, time and again to win her love, but nothing. "Why?" Hiralk sighed for the millionth time that night. "We were perfect for each other. Now what?" It was getting cold. Hiralk made a ball of flame in his palm and set the rose aside. There, he spent the night without so much as a look of pity from passersby. He was one of the greatest warriors, one of the most recognized figures in Matoran history, and no one gave a second glance. Not even a first glance. What had his life become. A waste, that's what it was. How had it all come to such an end? "Need a hand?" a voice asked. Hiralk ignored it and turned away. They were probably talking to someone else. "Hiralk," the voice said. "What are you doing?" He turned. It was Solaris, the local mad-Toa. He always was out doing odd stuff with the fugitive Vezon, but was the only one who seemed to offer a smile and support in this dark town. He had helped almost everyone out of their personal ruts. Maybe he would be the one to talk to. "I'm just a bit sad," Hiralk mumbled. "Plia again?" I asked. "Yeah," he sighed. "Plia again." "We've had this conversation so many times," I said. "Why do you persist?" "Because I love her," Hiralk replied. "That's a good reason," I said, reminiscing. "I've used that one too many times to count. But I always moved on." "She's the only one for me," he said, a tear coming to his eye. "And she hates me." "This is news," I said. "You've been such good friends for years. Why would she hate you?" "Because I'm me," Hiralk laughed sadly. "I know what you mean," I said. "She'll come around once she realizes what she's missing." "I can't imagine that happening," he said. "Truthfully, it might not," I frowned. "That's all the motivation I need," Hiralk said, standing up, clutching the rose once more. "I can't guarantee your success," I said, looking down, "but I hope you find what you're looking for." We went our separate ways. Hiralk walked down the street, the stars beginning to fade as the sun came closer to coming above the horizon. He was nearly at her house. There he was. Now he didn't know what to do. So he knocked. She came to the door. "What do you want?" she snapped. "Why do you deny the truth?" Hiralk shot back. "We're perfect together. I love you, and deep down, you know I'm the one for you." "No, Hiralk," Plia said. "I don't want to be involved right now." "Why do you hate me?" he asked. "I don't hate you, I just... I..." she trailed off. "Why?" "I don't hate you." "Why?" "I don't. Really!" "Why?" "Because you're you!" she burst. "What does that mean?" Hiralk said, his eyes shining with tears. "You just have quality that makes me not like you," she said, beginning to sob, as well. "What quality?" "You!" Hiralk had had enough. He stepped up to the threshold, took her in his arms and kissed her. She shoved him away and slammed the door on his face. One time to many. "I'm sorry," I said passing by. "I know how you feel." I walked away, down the street. Hiralk began to sob. He ran out into the open plains, activating his Mask of Teleportation as he ran. New Atero was at the horizon when he reappeared. The sun was rising above it, making the stone glow with the beauty matched only by Plia. But where to next? Hiralk walked out on the plains, tears running down his mask. Now what? He walked onward in no real direction, until he came to a rock. It stood blocking the small road he was on. He removed his axe and chopped it into dust with a few swings of the super-heated metal. On the other side was a pack of Iron Wolves with a twisted figure that was only vaguely humanoid at this point. "Get him," the gravely voice whispered. "Thank you," Hiralk gasped. He raised his axe and assumed a battle stance. Then he closed his eyes.
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#2 Offline Neelh

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Posted Oct 23 2011 - 12:25 PM

You slipped into first person during the conversation, but tha's the only niggle.
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I no longer need Taipu as I have achieved the impossible.

 

I have girlfriend.

 

the atlantic was born today

and i'll tell you how

the clouds above opened up

and let it out


#3 Offline Rarity

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Posted Oct 23 2011 - 10:16 PM

Well, first off, let me say this was a good story. Not great, but good.The first person part of the story seemed unnessacary, and kind of confused me, when you switched right into it. And if it was in first person, how did the character know what happened?The story also felt short. Maybe, you should of showed more of their "relationship," more of his past.The end part seemed a little rushed, but I still really liked it.Overall, you have a really good story here, but fix a few issues, and you have an amazing one.
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#4 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Jun 07 2012 - 06:41 PM

Technically, biomechanical beings are incapable of love. But I enjoy BIONICLE romances because that technicality mandates that love must be simple and pure; and oh so very sweet. That's exactly what this was. And also very sad.You displayed emotion well, and you did a good job showing your reader how Hiralk felt. However, what you failed to do was to convey emotion. Hiralk should have been heart-broken, and I as a reader should have felt heart-broken as well. I myself have been in a similar but less drastic position recently; the memory of that feeling is fresh in my heart, but you failed to stir me to that depth, much less to the depths Hiralk should have been in. You incited in me a mild pity for Hiralk, but that was all. I saw emotion but felt none of it.I also disliked the end. It seemed random and disjointed. Hiralk's exchange with Plia was realistically foolish and probably the most touching scene. And then he ran, just ran; now we were getting somewhere with emotion. He compared his love's beauty to that of nature, which is always equal if not inferior to the former in the eyes of the passionate. Again, emotion's rising; we're seeing a display of passion. Then he loses his temper . Emotion again! But then the emotional rise takes a sudden plummet into confusion. I got no sense that this rock was large enough to hide a pack of Iron Wolves. Moreover, what were they doing there? Who was that twisted figure? Hiralk was glad to be distracted from incomprehensible love by what he knows best: battle. So much is understood. If he had been set upon by Vorox or Bone Hunters or even the Iron Wolves themselves, all right. It would have been a great scene. But you threw in this unexplained, incongruous element and distracted your reader from the importance of that moment.One compliment I will make is that you kept your backstory concise and to the point, and didn't overwhelm your reader with pointless details and descriptions. Your writing was very relevant, and I commend you for that.Grammatical nitpicks:

He was nearly at her house. There he was. Now he didn't know what to do. So he knocked. She came to the door.

That was too abrupt for me.

"You just have [a] quality that makes me not like you," she said, beginning to sob, as well.

He was the veteran of countless wars. He watched the Makuta fall from grace, the Toa rise against Teridax, and Mata Nui's final stand.

This felt like it was missing pluperfect tense. In other words, double past tense, implemented by past participles and hads.

What had his life become.

That's a question and should therefore be marked as such.

One time to many.

A mere typo.

"I'm just a bit sad," Hiralk mumbled."Plia again?" I asked."Yeah," he sighed. "Plia again.""We've had this conversation so many times," I said. "Why do you persist?""Because I love her," Hiralk replied."That's a good reason," I said, reminiscing. "I've used that one too many times to count. But I always moved on.""She's the only one for me," he said, a tear coming to his eye. "And she hates me."

This is a mere matter of personal preference, but unless it's necessary to discriminate between more than two speakers or for extra description--is in the case of Solaris's reminiscence, Hiralk's mumbling, and his tear--I don't believe you need all the extra indications taking up space. Quotations stand well on their own. Let your dialogue speak for itself.Also there's the matter of first person, but that was previously pointed out.All in all, you did a good job here. It was a good tale and, save the lack of emotion and the incomprehensible twist at the end, it was well-spun. I enjoyed it, and for that, I thank you.

Keep writing,

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:


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#5 Offline Tehurye

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Posted Jun 08 2012 - 12:23 PM

I would say the same as Nuile. Keep writing! This tale had a lot of depth (it made me laugh when you included yourself as a character) and it was well written. Some grammatical errors, perhaps, but I'm sure no one cares too much. This story is very nice! Again, keep writing!
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