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Dorkpool

BIONICLE Deadpool

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Before I start the story, a few things I need to say. First, this is my first story I've posted to BZPower, so if it's not great, well, I'm an amateur. Second, I'm putting this story here rather than in comedies because despite all the jokes, it's not completely comedy. And finally, as the title says, this is about everyone's favorite mouthy merc, Deadpool, except as a BIONICLE character. I've tried to retain as much of the actual character of Deadpool as I can.

Ok, now that this is out of the way, here's the story (so far; it's not quite finished. This is the first part). Enjoy!

 

The Turaga didn’t notice the person who was planning to kill him. Which was odd, considering the murderer is pretty hard not to notice, with his bright red (and also black) armor. But not being noticed was part of this being’s plan. He needed to be stealthy to pull this off.

Multiple Toa guarded this Turaga. The being-

"Ahem," the being said.

What?

"I have a name, you know."

The being, better known as Deadpool, had no idea why this Turaga was being guarded so heavily, but it didn’t matter.

Deadpool made sure his aim was perfect (the Turaga’s head, that way he wouldn’t come back as a zombie. Granted, it was quite unlikely the Turaga would become a zombie, but it’s always a possibility, at least in Deadpool’s mind.), and fired. The Turaga fell, dead.

"AWWWW YEAH!" Deadpool cried out in joy – admittedly unprofessional, but whatever. Unfortunately, his lack of professionalism would cost him, as one of the Toa – probably a Toa of Sonics, since how else could they notice Deadpool’s voice from here? – turned to look at the mercenary.

"Uh oh." Deadpool said.

Great job, one of the voices in Deadpool’s head said.

"Shouldn’t you be in a white panel?" Deadpool inquired.

If this were a comic. However, this all written word. So I’m just bolded.

"Good to know," Deadpool said, and started running.

What’s your plan?

And does it involve explosions? Yet another voice in Deadpool’s head chimed in.

"It might," Deadpool responded.

Yay!

Thoughts ran through Deadpool’s head, which stopped as abruptly as Deadpool’s actual running, since he ran headfirst into something. Or someone. He looked at the being he ran into. He was tall, had some type of levitation device or fashionable footwear on his feet, and was blue.

"Who are you, and do you contribute to the plot of this story at all?" Deadpool asked the large blue being.

"Plot? What are you talking about?" the being asked.

"Never mind. Fourth wall thing. But who in the name of Mata Nui’s exhaust port are you, and why are you standing in front of me?"

"Name’s Ancient. And I’m here to recruit you." The being we now all know to be Ancient told Deadpool.

"Recruit me? Into what?"

And does it involve explosions?

"And does it involve explosions?"

"An organization of thieves and assassins. We do the jobs that the Matoran are too timid to do, and the Brotherhood of Makuta and Toa think of as beneath them."

"So like those lawyers on daytime television?"

Ancient gave Deadpool a blank stare.

"Another fourth wall thing." Deadpool clarified.

Ancient looked as if he were wondering whether inducting Deadpool into whatever organization he was talking about was really such a good idea.

"So, Ancient, what if I don’t want into this organization?"

Ancient pointed behind Deadpool, where Toa were starting to try and get him.

"I’ll leave you to the Toa. Do you want that?" Ancient told Deadpool.

Deadpool thought about it, and replied, "Nah, not really. It doesn’t sound like that much fun, and I don’t feel like killing them right now. So joining your little organization sounds smart right now."

"Good. But our location is a secret. Usually I’d just blindfold you and take there, but I don’t have a blindfold right now. So I’ll do something else," Ancient told Deadpool, right before punching him in the face and knocking him unconscious.


The Nerd With a Mouth. The Klingon-Speaking Comedian. The Guy Hoping Not To Get Sued By Marvel. The Guy Who Makes Jokes About Bad Creepypasta Stories. The Guy Who Also Writes About The Truth of BIONICLE...sort of.
Vezpool for president 2016

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First things first, you leap right into the middle of the things, and sell it with a hooker of a first line. You had me from the beginning and never let go, and you didn't pull so hard you broke the line - not bad for an "amateur," not bad at all.

 

Now, obviously, this is a light piece, short and comical, only half-serious. The comedy was pretty well done, I think - I'm not very familiar with the Deadpool character, but I've heard he likes to break the fourth wall, and I know he's generally pretty psychotic, so I think you did pretty well capturing that character.

 

I think my biggest complaint is that there wasn't more to the story. I wanted more: I wanted to see more action, I wanted to know what would happen next, and most of all I just wanted a chance to get to know this Deadpool better. There wasn't enough time to find out, for instance, what is species is, what he does and why, and how he fits into the BIONICLE universe. As a guy who doesn't know much about Deadpool, I would've liked more introduction, and Deadpool fans probably would probably want to know what makes him more here than just a comic character thrust into a BIONICLE setting. This could have been done through presentation ("show, don't tell") as well as explanation (Deadpool's personality gives you an excuse to have the character start monologuing about his backstory).

 

Quick, clean fun. Nicely done.

 

Keep writing,

 

Vale, Nuile :smilemirunu:

Edited by Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .



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I know I am ready to start my voyage.



A Musing Author . . . Want to read my books?

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