Edited by GSR, Jan 06 2012 - 11:34 PM.
Posted Jan 06 2012 - 11:25 PM
Useful Topics: The Q&A Compendium | The Official RPG Planning Topic
Stories: Fractures | An Aftermath | Three Stories | LSO 2012 Epics: Team Three | The Shadow and the Sea | The Days They Were Needed | Glitches | Transformations | Echoes | The Kaita and the Storyteller
BZPRPG: Komae · Soraya · Bohrei
Blog: Defendant Lobby no. 42
Posted Jan 08 2013 - 09:37 PM
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]That was really great. I have a few problems with style but I very much enjoyed the story itself. And I loved the way in which you told it; that was refreshingly different.It was almost a mystery, almost a whodunit, if not quite. It was a clever touch, keeping the exact description of this cataclysmic event untold until the end, adding that much more to the interest of the unveiling. At this length, really, mysteries don't get much better. Very well done.My great grievance, however, was the exaggerated dialogue. Not one of the interviewees could go two sentences without spitting out some expression or figure of speech. The dialogue was drowning in excessive character and personality. It had the effect that the police were interpellating Sancho Panza clones.On a similar note, there are laws of grammar that dictate speech as much as writing; and you followed precious few of them. Besides the insipidity of excessive colloquial phraseology, this was what bothered me most, and together both made the dialogue actually rather difficult to read. And considering that this narrative consists entirely of dialogue, that's not good.There were too many errors to note them all, but here were two that jumped out at me as singular:[/color]
. . . it was supposed to be all day every day ‘till Christmas . . .
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Till is a word, 'til is the shortened form of until; but an apostrophe and a second L just becomes redundant.[/color]
was actually kind of upset at that, he wanted to go back, but let me tell you there wasn’t anything there but.
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Missing a word there. [Redacted] was my guess. You seemed fond of that, which personally I appreciate, because it adds humor without adding repulsive scurrility.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I know you did a good job, and you know you did a good job; but to state the obvious, good job! Thanks be to the SSCC for choosing this story to be reviewed,[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith [/color]
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
0 user(s) are browsing this forum
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users