Posted Sep 20 2012 - 01:14 PM
Since my last disastrous attempt at a comedy, which featured cannibalism, gore and Justin Bieber music and was therefore rightfully closed, I have decided to try and write a new fanfic, for real this time. I decided to post it in the epic section because it has a serious plotline overall, even though there will probably be some humor in the chapters. If there's any spelling mistakes, please tell.The epic is set in the Expanded Multiverse, which you have probably heard about. If not, here is the discussion topic. This fanfic features a bunch of toa from Alarist which are sent to Barrawahi to help Hand of Faith solve a hopeless conflict between 2 clans.Here's the review topic.Chapter 1: The first chapterListen again, friends and creepy online persons, to another EM fanfic of the bionicle. It's the year 498...Hi, my name is Kazuma and I'm from Central. Today, when I got out of bed, I found a package lying on my doorstep. I read the tag and it turned out to be from the Wiki Nui, which was made obvious by the logo on the tag.I started reading: "Hello Kazuma. We are pleased to inform you that an anonymous donor has given you a certain object. Provided you accept, you will recieve it this evening in room 236 at the Wiki Nui. Password is reverse.I was kind of shocked, as something this seemed more important than stuff I usually dealt with. I even suspected the criminals of having something to do with it. However, I decided to pick it up anyway, for kicks. I guess I had been too bored those days.When I arrived at the Wiki Nui in the evening, it was starting to go dark. My brain was restless, because I had had nothing but normal work today at my job, dishwashing in the popular forum plaza "Kopakabana". Which meant I could only wonder what the heck it could be that would happen. I've never been to room 236 before, must be one of those supersecret rooms that are used for weird purposes. I had heard all about it in the forum plaza: Shady businessmen from Industrial making even shadier deals, Hand of Faith members asking for nuclear weaponry, scientific expiriments that would cause commotion if they were made public and AAG officials making deals with the criminal underworld.When I asked for room 236 at the help service, the worker first asked my what I was to do here. I replied:"I have to pick up a present of some kind" The worker said she had to ask for confirmation so... Yeah I had to wait a second. After a while, I was joined by someone else, a red matoran I assumed was a Ta-matoran. After an uncomfortable silence he asked:"So, why are you here exactly?""You first." I replied."Well, I need to pick up something... It's kinda weird, I just got told this morning""Dude me too!" I replied. "We should be bros. What's your name?""I'm Laika the Ta-matoran, from the Wiki Nui." He said, sounding tired. "And you look like you're a Ko-matoran to me.""Thanks, toa obvious. I'm Kazuma, I work at the koro""Must be exciting out there." He said, slightly sarcastic."You bet. It's awesome." I said, trying to outsarcasm him.Before we could continue, the worker returned, saying she had confirmed our access and told us where the room was. When we arrived, I stopped. I had completely forgotten that there would be a password gate. This one had voice commands"You knew there would be a password, right?" I said"Yeah it's reverse" He said. The door did nothing."Maybe it's a code!" I said. "It's password in reverse! Drowssap!" Nothing happened.Laika looked at me weird. After a while of trying a third matoran walked in, apparently with the same mission. His name was Usilas and since he was transparent I assumed he was a Ka-matoran("You don't say").After a while he came up with a suggestion: "Maybe, it's reverse IN REVERSE!""What, you mean like esrever? That's the stupidest idea since my boss suggested I should travel to Enigma in a canoe if I would not accept my demoted salary." Laika said while the door opened."Or not." He said irritatedly.Inside the room, which was much less shady than I had imagined, was an AAG official, an green agori which was waiting on a couch. When he saw us, he quickly stood up and started talking."You have been called here this evening because one of our agents, Toa OIetsj, left you this." He pulled out three packages and gave them to us. Laika and me simply took them, but Usilas was hesistant."And how do I know this thing isn't just going to explode in my face? I don't like this whole thing. If you wanted us to have it, why didn't you just send it by mail? Why does this have to happen in a secret room, where nobody is listening? Why is this room locked with a cryptic password. When I looked I away I noticed Laika had dropped his package."Because" the agori spoke, "It only works in this building." He picked up Laika's package and revealed what was inside, a glowing crystalline thingy. "This is a toa stone" the agori bellowed. "Toa Oletsj resigned from our organisation and chose apparently random 6 matoran to be his successors."What organisation are you talking about?" Usilas said sharply. "I hope you don't mean the syndicate: I'm not going to throw my life away to work with criminals like you!""I'm a representative of the Awesome Brotherhood. We are nothing like the syndicate, We strive to do good in the world and fight evil! Ask yourself this question: If we were criminals, why would we have any interest in you? A cleaner, a dishwasher and a banker? No, I'm only doing this because I know Oletsj wanted you to do this, to be in here and part of our organisation."He turned around. Everyone was looking startled. Usilas and Laika had pick up their package again.The agori looked pleased. "I have arranged you'll meet the others tomorrow. I'm afraid you have no choice..."End of Chapter oneComments and constructive criticism are appreciated .
Edited by electrodude, Sep 21 2012 - 11:31 AM.