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The Shadow Proves The Sunshine


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#1 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 02:05 PM

Disclaimer- Hernesus and the Inzex mine belong to me, everything else goes to Lego. The Song is The Shadow Proves the Sunshine by Switchfoot, and belongs totally to them. ~~~ Sunshine, won't you be my motherSunshine, come and help me singMy heart is darker than these oceansMy heart is frozen underneath .....The sand was blazing with heat, and the white figure felt it more then he saw it - his eyes in a constant squint against the blinding sun. .....But that was how life was on Bara Magna, and over the space of eighty thousand years, Gelu, second Glatorian of Iconox, had simply gotten used to it. There was nothing else one could. To grieve over the luxurious life of ease, made so by the machines of the Great Beings, was a pointless task. It was valuable time that could be spent in searching for water, finding food, gathering some sort of defense against the thousand and one dangers of the desert; or basically finding a way to survive longer. We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,Dry eyes in the pouring rainThe shadow proves the sunshineThe shadow proves the sunshine .....The massive figure of Iconox appeared in Gelu's view. He reined in his Sand Stalker, drinking in the change from the blazing heat of the desert into the cool, almost wintry air of the ice region of Bara Magna. A half smile crossed his faded blue features. It had been too long. He had been gone for almost two weeks: first on a trip to a match in Vulcanus, then a series of adventures against the many dangers of the desert. It hadn't helped any, that in the last part, he was still sore from the massive crushing blows the second Glatorian Malum had dealt him in battle. The image of Malum's brutish face leering at him as he lay in the arena, his weapons far out of reach, still smarted his memory, and his pride. As the second Glatorian, he had a reputation to uphold. If he lost too many fights; well, there would always be younger Glatorian with more fire, and pure, dumb luck in battle to replace him. Two scared little runawaysHold fast to the break of day light, whereThe shadow proves the sunshine .....Inside the massive structure that was Iconox, the cold was even more, and Gelu, like always, had to remind himself the the buildings the Agori and Glatorian lived in was crystal, not ice. .....He noticed a slight change in the atmosphere from the usual. The Agori seemed a bit on edge, and he could feel the hopeful gazes of many of them as he passed. Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?Oh Lord, don't be far away awayStorm clouds gathering beside mePlease Lord, don't look the other way .....Alright, what is going on? Gelu asked himself as the village leader came hurrying over, his eyes seeming a bit more worried then normal. ....."What's going on, Hernesus?" he asked bluntly, not bothering to beat around the Thornax tree. ....."Bad news. Skrall claimed the Inzex mines as part of Roxtus' lands. Strakk is away in Tajun, and without you, all we would have to fight them is a couple of rookies," he said shortly. Gelu winced. The image of a newly trained warrior going against a battle hardened Skrall was not pretty. But the sight of him going against one wasn't much better. He was a skilled fighter, he had to be in order to have became second Glatorian of Iconox. But facing a Skrall was different. They were a race of warriors, trained for war almost as soon as they could walk. They were cruel, pitiless fighters. ....."And you expect me to beat one." It was a statement, not a question, and Hernesus got the point. ....."What are we going to do? Sit and watch as they claim our lands?" he snapped back, a tad heatedly. Gelu nodded, and said nothing. There was no need to. They both knew the state if thing in their land. With the Skrall's new arrival, every village suffered as the fierce warriors claimed every source of food, water, and resources in their area as their own. As of yet, very few of their claims had been thwarted. Crooked souls trying to stay up straightDry eyes in the pouring rainThe shadow proves the sunshineThe shadow proves the sunshine .....Again the sun rose, bending its fiery gaze upon the world, unmerciful, not caring about the beings that died in its sight. Agori, Skrall, Bone Hunter, Glatorian; every one of them suffered under its rule. .....Gelu was not concerned with that now. He sat in the shade of the arena wall, sharpening one of the blades of his dual-bladed sword. Through shaded eyes he watched his opponent entering the arena. .....The warrior was shorter then Gelu, hunched over, with thin arms and legs, hands reaching almost to the ground. The ice Glatorian's eyes flicked from the form to the twin shapes it held - A long sword and a saw-edged shield. .....He swallowed nervously, trying to keep his doubt away. Think you'll fail, and you will, Certavus had always said. And right now, Gelu wished that he was still alive. Two scared little runawaysHold fast to the break of day light wereThe shadow proves the sunshineThe shadow proves the sunshine .....Putting his whetstone away, he jogged to the center of the arena, the the sound of massive cheering. The Skrall did the same, ignoring the boos that came at him. .....As Hernesus began the opening speech - the one Gelu had heard of the past twenty thousand years - the ice Glatorian checked his weapons for the last time. .....Then the speech was done, and the ice Agori fled out of the arena. He had been in this long enough to know just how fast a stray Thornax could hurt when you didn't clear out of there fast enough. .....Gelu gulped as the Skrall stalked forwards, and knew he was fighting for his survival. Yeah Yeah, shine on meYeah Yeah, shine on meYeah Yeah, shine on meYeah Yeah, shine on me .....Yes, the sun was a merciless thing indeed. How it looked pitilessly down at the thousands of beings in the sands, and the two in the arena. Did it care that one of those might never make it out alive? No it simply blazed down, blinding said beings with its glare. .....Gelu struck first. In his latest move, he charge forwards, then leaped into the air, aiming to pass over the Skrall's head. The ebon and crimson being sank into a crouch, slashing cruelly at the white being's legs- -only for the Thornax Gelu had fired to slam into his shoulder, sending him into the ground, his right arm limp and bruised. Gelu landed easily, spinning around, his sword flying up, and slamming into the front of the hurled shield, sending it into the ground. His eyes widened slightly, he hadn't even noticed the Skrall throw it, he had thought the warrior would be stunned by the shock of the Thornax. .....The Skrall noticed that, and a savage smile crossed his face. He snatched up his sword in his left, and the smile broadened. A Skrall was trained from birth to use both hands. Crooked souls trying to stay up straightDry eyes in the pouring rainThe shadow proves the sunshineThe shadow proves the sunshine .....Yes, he had made this Gelu nervous. Now it was time to finish him. .....He leaped forwards, sending a blinding combination of overhand slashes, side cuts, underhanded blows, even stabbing and firing a Thornax at the same time - a move Gelu dodged just in time by twisting to the side. .....At last they disengaged, stopping for a moment to catch their breaths. Gelu's was coming in gasps, while the Skrall was hardly breathing hard. The savage smile again flitted across the Skrall's face, and he attacked again before Gelu could recover his breath. Two scared little runawaysHold fast to the break of day light wereThe shadow proves the sunshineThe shadow proves the sunshine .....A sigh seemed to embrace the crowd; they could see how much out of breath Gelu was, and how quickly he would fall. Not a single one of them wanted to see the Skrall winning; even those not of Iconox felt for him. .....But the Skrall knew this, and it only served to double his efforts. He feinted an overhand blow, quickly switching to a side cut, slamming his blade into Gelu's left hand, leaving it bleeding and, more importantly, without the Thornax launcher. It wasn't extremely effective; they were to close quarters for a reload being possible. But it had the desired effect; it made the crowd even more demoralized. It wasn't the best thing, but it did put Gelu even more on edge. Yeah Yeah, shine on meYeah Yeah, shine on meYeah Yeah, shine on me ..... Gelu was falling back now, trying to keep out of reach of the Skrall's blade. .....But that was his crucial mistake. For leaping back and trying to block a slash at the same time he fell. The sand cushioned his fall, but not the shock of the hilt of the Skrall's blade slamming into the side of his helmet. .....The ice Glatorian stayed down, stunned by the blow. The Skrall snarled with triumph, raising his blade to hew the fallen warrior. It descended- -Only to be shattered by the impact of a Thornax. The Skrall turned, blade raised, only to see Hernesus there, backed by two rookie Glatorian. With nothing but a sword handle, and with only one usable arm, the Skrall knew that he would stand no chance against them. .....So he turned away with a laugh, picking up his shield as he left. The match had ended; the Skrall had claimed another valuable resource as their own. Shine on me,Let my shadows prove the sunshine
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#2 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted May 20 2012 - 03:25 PM

I have but little to say regarding plot, because really, there wasn't one. It was simply a depiction of everyday life in Bara Magna, which was well-executed in its purpose for all that. You delineated the harshness well, and I liked the description of the sun. It was a bit piece, just a part of the universe rather than a story of its own; that's not what I personally like to write or read, but to each their own. I did like your writing style; it was both vivid and eloquent.In truth, I have but little to say regarding grammar, for it was very good overall. There were but a few errors I noticed:

But that was how life was on Bara Magna, and over the space of eighty thousand years, Gelu, second Glatorian of Iconox, had simply gotten used to it. There was nothing else one could.

"One could" . . . do?

They both knew the state if thing in their land.

"Of things." I prefer matters, myself, but that's synonymic preference, not grammatical rectitude.

No it simply blazed down, blinding said beings with its glare.

No comma.

Gelu struck first. In his latest move, he charge forwards,

That should be charged.

His eyes widened slightly, he hadn't even noticed the Skrall throw it, he had thought the warrior would be stunned by the shock of the Thornax.

This isn't a mistake, exactly, I see it done all the time; but one place I never see it done is in professional writing. I think both of those commas could have been replaced; the first one by a period, I think, and the latter by a semicolon, but that's up to you.

It wasn't extremely effective; they were to close quarters for a reload being possible

"They were at too close quarters"? "They were too close in quarters"?

-Only to be shattered by the impact of a Thornax.

That didn't need to be capitalized, and also, I think it would have been better without being split into a second paragraph.So this story wasn't my cup of tea, but it wasn't bad in any wise. It was great for what it was meant to be, and I did enjoy it. Excellent work!

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:


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