Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

Winter Years

Ambage FFFC

  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Peach 00

Peach 00
  • Banned Members
  • Submerged!

  • 31-August 09
  • 1,195 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 31 2012 - 06:50 PM

Winter Years

By Peach 00

 

The enchanting winter background was a sight of wonder for the small town. The crisp and clear silvery silhouette of the moon shone beautifully over the town square, while every shimmering star was like a diamond glistening against the velvety, blackness of the boundless horizon.

 

There was a woman dressed in black boots, denim jeans, a grey pom-pom hat and a black wool raincoat. She had twinkling brown eyes and shoulder-length brown hair, and she was walking in the inches of pure white snow in the plaza area of her hometown.

 

The town, Tahlonega, would rarely ever get snow this time of year – it was also a rare amount of snow, specifically ten inches. This was infrequent in the small southern community, and a blessing to each citizen, as they had not received such a large amount since almost thirteen years ago, around the time of Christmas.

 

Had it really been thirteen years ago? She smiled for a moment. Tomorrow was Christmas, perhaps her last Christmas in the little town of Tahlonega, as next year she would probably be moving to Florida. She would never see snow for quite a long time, as the comfortable temperatures of winter in Florida didn’t even dip anywhere near the thirties the majority of the time.

 

Katie Atkins was walking around the town square alone and she was thoroughly enjoying the decorations. Every where her eyes wandered, the wonder of Christmas time seemed to overwhelm them. How Katie would miss the beauty of the town square during the holidays…all the tiny little shops, the heavenly aroma of fudge wafting from the bakery, the pizzeria near the college, and the little odds and ends shop that sold all sorts of different things. This was naturally her favorite – she could buy anything in there, always finding something that would interest her intensely.

 

The bare trees near every sidewalk were decorated with beautiful golden glowing lights intertwined between every silver branch. There was a wreath decorated with red ribbons on every door in the square, and a “Merry Christmas” sign hung just below each wreath.

 

The white snow covered the sidewalks as it fell from the skies in little powdery flakes to form fine snow crystals on the ground. They were like solid teardrops falling from the grey night clouds…they made her sorrowful and reminiscent of times previous when the elegant snowflakes had fallen from the dreary horizon. She recalled all those times when she had taken the snow for granted…before it was a simple production of the weather.

 

She felt the same of the little town of Tahlonega, with its sometimes homely but endearing little shops and cottages. She then thought of Christmas…all those wonderful Christmases at her house were taken for granted. Now she realized they were the most joyous experiences of her life, although she did not consider them that way when they occurred…she regretted not savoring them a little bit more at that time.

 

As she strode leisurely around the small plaza, she saw the extravagantly ornamented and large Christmas tree standing in the town center, adorned with dozens of scarlet ribbons and inexpensive reflective ruby red and emerald green ornaments. She grinned ear to ear at the sight of it. It was such a beautiful celebration of the holiday to her.

 

She looked at the time. It was midnight – it was now officially Christmas. She knew she had better get home, and right before she left, she took out her cellular phone, snapping a picture of the tree as she was about to leave the town center. She viewed the photograph and a smile formed on her lips.

 

Katie was running in the splendorous downfall of snow, cherishing the cold flakes falling on her face, and when she finally reached her Honda Fit, she noticed something in the window of a shop. It was a gold-chained necklace, and the ornament on the necklace was an oval garnet, with small opal jewels surrounding it. She noticed the shop was just about to close, and she rushed towards the shop as she saw the owner about to leave.

 

The woman was rather plump, with raven black hair and a large black overcoat and gloves. She looked about fifty years old, and was just about to lock the shop with her keys. Katie hurried over to her quickly and tapped her on the shoulder.

 

“Excuse me, ma’am?” Katie asked hastily.

 

“What is it, miss?” the woman replied irritably.

 

“That necklace in the window…how much is it?” she questioned.

 

“It is thirty dollars,” she answered icily. “But I am sorry, we’re closed.”

 

“No, no, please,” she pleaded with her. “It is very important that I get this necklace. You see, this is my last time here in Tahlonega, and I would really like it as a reminder –”

 

“I am sorry, we’re closed,” the woman retorted.

 

“Please, ma’am!” Katie begged. “I will pay you fifty dollars for it instead!”

 

The woman paused for a moment and sighed. “Alright,” she relented. “But I’ll only take cash for it now. Do you have the money?”

 

“Yes, yes, I do –” Katie answered, digging into her pocketbook for her wallet. She looked to find only twenty five dollars, and her heart stopped. “I’m sorry…I only have twenty five dollars.”

 

“That’s fine, miss,” the woman replied with a hint of smile. “That will be enough. Merry Christmas.”

 

Katie smiled. “Merry Christmas, ma’am.” She handed her the money, and the woman opened the store back up and put the necklace in Katie’s hands. She locked the store and headed towards her car down the street, and Katie grinned.

 

As she opened her car and seated herself in it, she glanced at the beautiful pendent she was beholding, and smiled at the generosity of the woman. Never would she forget her holiday spirit, or the winter years that went with it.

 

~:~

 

This is my first FFFC, and I'm hoping it will place high despite it being a last minute entry. Enjoy. ^^


Edited by Peach 00, Jan 01 2013 - 11:16 PM.

  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#2 Offline Cederak

Cederak
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 17-September 05
  • 4,147 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jan 01 2013 - 08:08 PM

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]

How Sarah would miss the beauty of the town square during the holidays…

[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Sarah? Either this is a typo and it slipped in accidentally in place of your protagonist's real name (though "real" in this case is only determined by using one name more frequently than another), Katie, or this reference seems really unnecessary. I'll try to stay on point with you though. This was superb. Your description of a late winter evening conjured all the softness and bitter cold that awaits me out my own door at this very moment. A young woman trudging through the snow, the midnight clouds made a faint orange by all that reflected city light off the frozen water, well…it all came to mind so vividly. There's nothing like having a strong picture of who your protagonist is, but I consider place to be extremely important. This delivered on that front.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Beneath the harshness of your winter scene, however, touches of people's kindness, of a middle-aged woman's humanity have managed to melt away the frost and become exposed. It makes for a feel-good ending, very much in line with the holiday season. So, yes, you're walking through familiar territory in terms of what sort of writing this is, but the fact that you completely commit to taking me to that place, drawing in my senses so absolutely…I can forgive a bit of unoriginality.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Being an FFFC entry as well, I want to extend my thanks on Velox's behalf for being another entrant to that wonderful little contest. The Ambage is sometimes clawing for participants, given that we have so many plans large and small within our writing community, but the material always carries some hint of inspiration that makes for a fun, happy experience for readers and writers alike.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]On an unrelated note, I took the liberty of typing Tahlonega into Google and seeing what I might find. It was apparently one letter away from being an actual city's name, which is still rather amazing, just looking at how odd the word appears to be. At any rate, nicely done, Peach.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]-Ced[/color][/font]


  • 0

#3 Offline Peach 00

Peach 00
  • Banned Members
  • Submerged!

  • 31-August 09
  • 1,195 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 01 2013 - 11:40 PM

Ahhh, shoot. I hope it is okay but I edited that for the sake that it was the original name of the protagonist, but then I changed it to Katie, since I used the name Sarah in a story of the same name.

 

Thanks so much for the review, Cederak! I would say quite a bit more, but I am entirely too lazy and tired and sick to due so. Besides, it probably include a lot of, "did I really do that?" type of comments. =P

 

Perhaps Dahlonega? It is a favorite little town of mine I visit when vacationing with family...the whole town of Tahlonega is based detail by detail on Dahlonega and its town square. Tahlonega was actually its original name, although I can't recall how it got changed to Dahlonega at the moment.

 

Thanks for the review again! =D


  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#4 Offline SkyLandOceAnna

SkyLandOceAnna
  • Members
  • Inhabitant

  • 13-October 12
  • 0 posts
  •  

Posted Jan 03 2013 - 03:19 AM

[color=rgb(0,0,255);]I read your story a couple times and agree with Cederak regarding how you described a winter evening (Christmas Eve). I liked how you set the scene up and gave us Katie as the protagonist. Her story was very good and as Cederak stated 'the humanity' of the middle-aged woman gave it a nice ending.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,0,255);]However there were some things I think should be looked at and changed, so I placed them inside your work to show you exact locations instead of making you look back and forth.[/color]

Winter Years

By Peach 00

 

The enchanting winter background was a sight of wonder for the small town. The crisp and clear silvery silhouette of the moon shone beautifully over the town square, while every shimmering star was like a diamond glistening against the velvety, blackness of the boundless horizon.

 

There was a woman dressed in black boots, denim jeans, a grey pom-pom hat and a black wool raincoat. She had twinkling brown eyes and shoulder-length brown hair, and she was walking in the inches of pure white snow in the plaza area of her hometown.

 

The town, Tahlonega, would rarely ever get snow this time of year – it was also a rare amount of snow, specifically ten inches. This was infrequent in the small southern community, and a blessing to each citizen, as they had not received such a large amount since almost thirteen years ago, around the time of Christmas. [color=rgb(0,0,205);][I don't think this part needs to be as long as you have it. It seems to me like you're stating the same thing (rare) over and over again. I think it should be condensed and added with the next paragraph, kind of like this: "It was rare to get ten inches of snow in the town of Tahlonega. It had been around Christmas time, almost thirteen years ago, that this last occurred, and each citizen took it as a blessing.][/color]

 

Had it really been thirteen years ago? She smiled for a moment. Tomorrow was Christmas, perhaps her last Christmas in the little town of Tahlonega, as next year she would probably be moving to Florida. She would never [color=rgb(0,0,255);][She wouldn't][/color] see snow for quite a long time, as the comfortable temperatures of winter in Florida didn’t even dip anywhere near the thirties the majority of the time.

 

Katie Atkins was walking around the town square alone and she was thoroughly [I think this part would be fine without 'she was thoroughly'] enjoying the decorations. Every where her eyes wandered, the wonder of Christmas time seemed to overwhelm them. How Katie would miss the beauty of the town square during the holidays…all the tiny little shops, the heavenly aroma of fudge wafting from the bakery, the pizzeria near the college, and the little odds and ends shop that sold all sorts of different things. This was naturally her favorite – she could buy anything in there, always finding something that would interest her intensely.[color=rgb(0,0,255);] [Seems like the last sentence and ending of the previous sentence should remain together as follows: 'and the pizzeria near the college. Her favorite was the little odds and ends shop that sold all sorts of different things. She could buy anything in there and always found something that really sparked her interest.'][/color]

 

The bare trees near every sidewalk were decorated with [color=rgb(0,0,255);]['[/color]beautiful golden glowing lights[color=rgb(0,0,255);]'[/color] [color=rgb(0,0,255);]- need some commas in this part and maybe one less adjective][/color] intertwined between every silver branch. There was a wreath [color=rgb(0,0,255);][were wreaths]  [/color]decorated with red ribbons on every door in the square, and a “Merry Christmas” sign hung [color=rgb(0,0,255);]just[/color] below each wreath.

 

The white snow covered the sidewalks as it fell from the sk[color=rgb(0,0,255);]ies  - [y][/color] in little powdery flakes to form fine snow crystals on the ground. They were like solid teardrops falling from the grey night clouds…they made her sorrowful and reminiscent of times [color=rgb(0,0,255);][<-> switch these two words around][/color] previous when the elegant snowflakes had fallen from the dreary horizon. She recalled [color=rgb(0,0,255);]all those times[/color][color=rgb(0,0,255);] - [those moments] [/color] when she had taken the snow for granted…before it was a simple production of the weather.

 

She felt the same [color=rgb(0,0,255);]of[/color][color=rgb(0,0,255);] - [way about][/color] the little town of Tahlonega, with its sometimes homely, but endearing little shops and cottages. She then thought of [color=rgb(0,0,255);]Christmas… - [don't need] [/color]all those wonderful Christmases at her house [color=rgb(0,0,255);][that][/color] were taken for granted. Now she [Switch the two words before the brackets around] realized they were the most joyous experiences of her life, although she did not consider them that way when they occurred…she regretted not savoring them a little bit more at that time.

 

As she strode leisurely around the small plaza, she saw the extravagantly ornamented and large [color=rgb(0,0,255);][Since you describe the ornaments in a few moments, I would get rid of the word 'ornamented' and just state that is was extravagant and large] [/color]Christmas tree standing in the town center, adorned with dozens of scarlet ribbons and inexpensive reflective ruby red and emerald green ornaments. She grinned ear to ear at the sight of it. It was such a beautiful celebration of the holiday to her.

 

She looked at the time. It was midnight – it was now officially Christmas. She knew she had better get home, and right before she left, she took out her cellular phone, snapping [color=rgb(0,0,255);][keep it past tense with the rest of the sentence - 'and snapped'] [/color]a picture of the tree as she was about to leave the town center. She viewed the photograph and a smile formed on her lips.

 

Katie was running in the splendorous downfall of snow, cherishing the cold flakes falling on her face, and when she finally reached her Honda Fit, she noticed something in the window of a shop. It was a gold-chained necklace, and the ornament on the necklace was an oval garnet, with small opal jewels surrounding it. She noticed the shop was just about to close, and she rushed towards the shop as she saw the owner [^was] about to leave.

 

The woman was rather plump, with raven black hair and a large black overcoat and gloves. She looked about fifty years old, and was just about to lock the shop [color=rgb(0,0,255);]with her keys[/color]. Katie hurried over to her quickly [color=rgb(0,0,255);][you mentioned this part already - ...'she rushed towards the shop as she saw the owner was about to leave.' ] [/color]and tapped her on the shoulder.

 

“Excuse me, ma’am?” Katie asked [color=rgb(0,0,255);][[/color][color=rgb(0,0,255);]hastily][/color].

 

“What is it, miss?” the woman replied irritably.

 

“That necklace in the window…how much is it?” she questioned.

 

“It is thirty dollars,” she answered [color=rgb(0,0,255);][[/color][color=rgb(0,0,255);]icily[/color]. - too many adverbs] “But I am sorry, we’re closed.”

 

“No, no, please,” she pleaded with her. “It is very important that I get this necklace. You see, this is my last time here in Tahlonega, and I would really like it as a reminder –”

 

“I am sorry, we’re closed,” the woman retorted.

 

“Please, ma’am!” Katie begged. “I will pay you fifty dollars for it instead!”

 

The woman paused for a moment and sighed. “Alright,” she relented. “But I’ll only take cash for it now. Do you have the money?”

 

“Yes, yes, I do –” Katie answered, digging into her pocketbook for her wallet. She looked to find only twenty five dollars, and her heart stopped. “I’m sorry…I only have twenty five dollars.”

 

“That’s fine, miss,” the woman replied with a hint of smile. “That will be enough. Merry Christmas.”

 

Katie smiled. “Merry Christmas, ma’am.” She handed her the money, and the woman opened the store back up and put the necklace in Katie’s hands. She [color=rgb(0,0,255);][^re][/color]locked the store and headed towards her car down the street [color=rgb(0,0,255);][[/color] [color=rgb(0,0,255);], and] [^.][/color] Katie grinned.

 

As she opened her car and seated herself in it, she glanced at the beautiful pendent she was [color=rgb(0,0,255);]be[/color]holding, and smiled [color=rgb(0,0,255);][^ again][/color] at the generosity of the woman. Never would she forget her holiday spirit, or the winter years that went with it.

 

~:~

 

This is my first FFFC, and I'm hoping it will place high despite it being a last minute entry. Enjoy. ^^

[color=rgb(0,0,255);]Now I know I marked quite a few things down on your story, but this are just my opinions to make the story more to the way I would have written it. As I previously mentioned, the meaning behind the story and the imagery you depicted in your story made it great and even without 'my corrections', I very much enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Thank you![/color]

 


  • 0

Wordsmith <3


#5 Offline Cederak

Cederak
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 17-September 05
  • 4,147 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jan 05 2013 - 09:25 PM

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]@Peach: Yeah, the edit is fine. I figured there was a good reason for the slip. No big deal. I am happily surprised to see my Google searching actually sent me in the right direction on the town name thing. Anyway, get well soon (if you haven't already) and you're quite welcome for the review. :)[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]@Sky: Where have I seen that method of reviewing before? Oh wait, I know exactly where. And rather than point them out so obviously in front of everyone, I want to say something really quick. As a long-time critic, the style, the very voice of a critique is sacred business. When you copy that voice (be it through emulation, homage, or whatever) it's like you're stealing and repackaging someone's signature. It comes off as insincere and contrived, especially like this. [/color][/font][color=rgb(0,0,128);font-family:verdana, geneva, sans-serif;]Much of your criticism was tied to arbitrary aesthetics, and you had the foresight to put corrections in air quotes for that. But I'll agree with you on this: I enjoyed the story.[/color]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]-Ced[/color][/font]


  • 0




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users