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Rule 2: Avoid Negative Labels


bonesiii

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How to Disagree Well: Rule 2: Avoid negative labels


Continuing the elaboration on my simple four-rule theory on effective disagreement, today I'll look at Rule 2.

This is one that I think a lot of people could really use a better understanding of and to seriously experiment with putting it into practice. :) It's probably the most radically unusual concept in these four rules, and since I've tried using it almost universally about a year ago the results have been profoundly positive so I really hope people read this, if nothing else. ^_^

To restate, the four rules are:

How to Disagree Well

1 Listen fairly
2 Avoid negative labels
3 Be concise
4 Speak your mind


Important points are bolded for optional skimming.


Okay, so what do I mean by "negative labels"?

Obviously, direct flaming would count under that. Flaming is essentially extremely negative labelling of someone or their actions without merit. A synonym is insulting. The problem is, different people, even experts on the concept of insulting, have different ideas about exactly where the line is drawn -- so everybody arbitrarily draws the line in different places.

This causes all kinds of trouble beyond the problems with the insults themselves; this disagreement about where the line is.

One thing most people agree on (which this rule actually challenges to some extent) is the idea that you can negatively label someone or an action without it being a clear insult.


However, in my experience, true as that might be, when I strive to always try to find more positive ways to word things (i.e. a mistake instead of an evil action, or dislike / disagree with instead of hate), the results are almost always better.

More on why I think this is in a moment, but first a caution.

Notice that I said "avoid".



Avoid does not mean "never label anything as a negative." There is a serious danger to just going around pretending everything's okay when it isn't. The stock example is, if you see a kid about to eat poison, it isn't harmful to label that action as bad (and try to stop the kid from eating it). If the kid really eats the poison, something bad really will happen even if people were to oddly try to label it positively. The loving person would of course want to stop that.

There thus has to be some line where something really is a negative.


But... that said, what if we usually misjudge where that line is? Most examples are murkier than the kid with poison case.

One negative we should all be able to agree on is that all humans are capable of making mistakes and misjudgements. And we all have, at least if we've lived long enough to be reading this. :P

So my advice is for all of us to increasingly challenge our own thinking, asking ourselves, "is this negative label I'm using here really judging the line in the best way?" Don't let pride force you into a rut where you have to continue on as you did before, or always defend whatever you've said before just because you've said it or you fear you might look bad if you admit you did something right (I've said a lot more about this in the past; it's what I call "The Confidence Trap").



Another important concept to remember is the difference between the realms of objective facts and morals -- and the subjective realms of personal taste.

Something subjective can honestly feel "very bad" to someone. But we often make an understandable slip-up by wrongly assuming that means (per se :P) that it's also morally or objectively wrong. (I.e. "LEGO should change this because I personally dislike it" which ignores that other people have their own tastes too. Honestly right now I think BZP mostly has this lesson learned well, though -- but from time to time newer members and the like can use a reminder. ^_^)

This rule would argue strongly against using such harsh negative labels, even for things we personally dislike. This can have benefits to the self -- it causes you to dwell less on negativity and have a more open mind. You might even find that the thing you thought about "hating" but now merely "dislike" is actually growing on you!



But more to the point, you might actually 'hate' it, but people reading your posts (hearing you speak, etc.) might misunderstand and think you are hating anyone who has that personal taste. So it's best to use more sensitive words like "dislike."

I know. I know. That feels so wrong to many people for various reasons. So many times I've run into people who basically look at this as downright silly, saying (for example) "I just dislike that toy" when you feel like you hate it. And it can be hard to change from being very negative to being very positive overnight. People I consider close friends just detest having to be polite. And I respect that attitude. I get it. I've been there.

So I cannot in good conscience tell everybody you absolutely must do this "right now" or even ever per se. I don't know everything; maybe there's a time or a place (or a speaker :P) for it.

I just know that for me, when I don't follow this rule well I have concluded that I myself suffer, and I spread suffering to others... who are then much more likely to feel negatively and not friendly towards me, thus I end up suffering twice over. I am ashamed how often I have pushed people away on here who I admire, just by using so many negative labels in disagreeing with them. I sometimes almost wish I had gone around trying to agree with everyone just so I wouldn't lose them as friends (tried that too though and it usually just lets the bad ideas and emotions fester and worsen; more on that for Rule #4 with scientific backup :)). It still torments me, because I see scars of my past failures still around despite my trying hard to reform my actions.

So think about it, yeah? :)

In any event, this rule is vague for a reason -- "avoid", but avoid however much you feel comfortable with, for now.




About drawing the line somewhere, I've concluded from experience that the line (of what is negative that should be avoided, not what to call flaming per se, to be clear) is basically twofold: 1) Things your taste cause you to dislike, using gentle words in describing your dislike, and 2) Things you think are harmful to someone else as a moral mistake, using wordings that make that important distinction clear; that it's a mistake, unwise, etc. rather than evil or whatnot.

Yes, there are things that are evil. That line's easy to draw in fiction, for example; there's no harm in saying "Makuta was evil; Greg confirmed it". But in real life... basically we're not telepathic and in most cases I now believe it's better to avoid calling it evil. The reason is, using a negative label like that on someone who's too far gone to come back makes sense... but it's so hard to know who can come back from evil and who cannot, yeah? You might be unwittingly making evil more likely to get worse or at least continue by appearing to imply someone can't reform from it.

(Obviously, if you're in a life or death situation, that is generally different... although caution is often important there too. But a soldier deciding whether an enemy will shoot first if the soldier doesn't is different from the vast majority of other human experiences, where there's really no reason you MUST leap to the negative judgements.)

Also, there is a very real, but little known psychological phenomenon in which by labelling something negative (usually with the intent of saying "hey, you're doing something wrong, fix it"), you can actaully MAKE it true, even if it wasn't, or at least solidify its truth.

In other words, the person you're talking to often reacts -- even if subconsciously -- "So I'm [insert negative label here], am I? Okay. I'm fine with what I am, so I'm [insert label again]. And I'll stubbornly stick to it without even considering that I MIGHT be wrong."

I like to call this "painting."

It's called that often in common parlance, but people usually miss what it implies. Just like if you took a paintbrush and slapped paint on someone -- the paint would stick -- by applying that label, you can very easily do the opposite of trying to remove the label. You don't remove paint by adding more of the same paint. :)




Just two more major points left.

I have noticed soooo many times that someone who goes around using negative labels to try to at least make others see why they have their perspective -- if not convince others to agree with them -- fail miserably at convincing anyone. I've often wondered why this is -- and I've suffered it myself of course -- and I think I finally get it.

It basically has two causes. One emotional, one logical.

Point number one -- when people see you behaving so negatively (sometimes even while trying to argue for positive things!), subconsciously they think "this guy is miserable. I don't want to be like that. So I will disagree."


Now that's not logical. That's not necessarily good "truthseeking." BUT it's a real psychological phenomenon, and fighting it is like fighting nature, yanno?


But in this case, it actually has a logical grounding.

Point two: The logical fallacy of Ad Hominem. Logic actually teaches that negatively labeling something does not logically argue for the labeler's conclusion. Now, caution: this doesn't necessarily mean the conclusion is wrong, merely that the reasoning used to reach it is wrong. There could be other reasoning all the people involved are missing that would prove the same conclusion.

But when people see a logically invalid argument -- even when they aren't well educated in logic; these principles are built into the human psyche -- they're a lot less likely to agree with your conclusion even if their concern is logic rather than emotion.



So here's where I end up with this. I do NOT tell you that this is necessarily the best way or say "do this."

Instead I'd like yall to think of it like a challenge or an experiment. Try it! See if it works for you! And try it ever increasingly so, over a long time. Don't give up on it if it doesn't seem to be working right away -- it could be you're just not being quite positive enough. I betcha it can work for anybody. :D



Comment thoughts (FTR, no mentioning of specific people involved in examples of such mistakes, okay?), questions, concerns, etc. :) Next entry on being concise probably will be up next week. Already have it written.

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Nice post, just one thing I think is worth pointing out.

 

Point two: The logical fallacy of Ad Hominem. Logic actually teaches that negatively labeling something does not logically argue for the labeler's conclusion.

Also, it uses the fallacy known as "strawmanning," which is similar in its emotional/mental effects on the person being labeled. People basically think, "This guy doesn't get what I'm saying, so how can I explain anything to him?"

 

~ BioGaia

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Woah there, Ad Hominem isn't always a fallacy.

 

The attack could have to do specifically with the argument--for example, in a presidential debate, one side could say, "As president, I will pledge a budget of [x amount of money], which will go towards arranging that all governmental institutions in the state capitol will begin utilizing 'greener' options for energy usage."

 

The opponent could reply, "I believe that a man who invested in companies with some of the largest carbon emission statistics won't hold true to a promise like that."

 

The opponent's statement is an example of Ad Hominem, but it's totally valid since it is a specific example of why the first person isn't expected to fulfill what he promised he would in his argument.

 

-SK

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An Ad Hominem is also okay when the persons character IS whats being argued about.

 

"John is not a good person"

"yes he is he mowed my lawn for free"

"He may have but he also kicks puppies and drowns cats when he thinks no ones looking"

 

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I can definitely agree with this. I think I've said it before, but as a Deaf and gay person, I encounter a lot of negative labelling. Such as "Deaf means you don't know English as well," or "Gay means [fill in the rest]."

 

With Deafness, though, it's not so much negative as it is meant to be sympathetic. But that's another type of negative labelling: when a person thinks that they need to be sympathetic to another person, they may only end up offending that person because that person does not think they need any sympathy.

 

This usually stems from the misconception that Deafness automatically equals disability when it's so much more than that, and the disability aspect becomes so insignificant. To us Deaf, it's all about our language and the culture we've developed, and our unique worldviews as Deaf people in hearing society. We don't need sympathy for being a language minority! :)

 

Projecting sympathy even when it seems appropriate can come off quite badly because it can seem like the receiver is being pushed into a category of pity. That kind of labelling becomes very negative and often creates a sort of "I don't need your pity, why are you assuming I'm a lesser person than you?" reaction.

 

I honestly haven't met anyone who actually "hates" Deaf people or feels a strong visceral emotional reaction to it. But that doesn't mean I can't be labelled negatively. Sympathy, however well-meaning it is, can be deeply damaging. Just consider how it feels when I have to apply for scholarships that treat me as a disabled person because there are no scholarships specifically for Deaf people who naturally have a harder time making money since they can't help but speak a different language. That kind of mistaken labelling has become a source of great anguish and frustration in the Deaf community. It certainly can be used as part of the explanation why Deaf people often come off as isolated and unfriendly - because they assume that they're going to be labelled wrongly by you.

 

That ties into your observation of how negative labelling can cause suffering in others and then come around as more suffering for you. Society in general suffers a little more than necessary because it doesn't realize that it's trying to solve a problem - underdeveloped and financially impoverished Deaf communities - the wrong way. Money from taxes are put in the wrong places for the wrong purposes. And it's all because of misplaced sympathy.

 

Yep... just something to add to what you were saying. :)

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Also, it uses the fallacy known as "strawmanning," which is similar in its emotional/mental effects on the person being labeled. People basically think, "This guy doesn't get what I'm saying, so how can I explain anything to him?"

Yeah, good point. :) Although, there are cases when negative labels can be true, and thus aren't Straw Men. But we shouldn't just go assuming it; we often accidently use the Straw Man fallacy because honestly misunderstand what people are trying to say or misread what intent they have in saying it.

 

 

Woah there, Ad Hominem isn't always a fallacy.

I'm glad you brought this up, because I was hoping for an opportunity to elaborate on what I meant there without drawing out the actual entry. ^_^ I mean that purely from the perspective of established logicspeak. Within the study of logic, Ad Hominem is always a logical fallacy. :) But you're right to point out that it isn't that simple. Just in case anyone used the bold-skimming method and missed part of the following, lemme quote what I said about that FTR:

 

Now, caution: this doesn't necessarily mean the conclusion is wrong, merely that the reasoning used to reach it is wrong. There could be other reasoning all the people involved are missing that would prove the same conclusion.

 

But when people see a logically invalid argument -- even when they aren't well educated in logic; these principles are built into the human psyche -- they're a lot less likely to agree with your conclusion even if their concern is logic rather than emotion.

What I'm alluding to in the first part of that is another fallacy called basically "The Fallacy of Fallacies." Which basically states that it's a fallacy to reject conclusions just because they're supported by fallacies. :)

 

In the second part, notice that I made no mention of what happens if someone's concern ISN'T logic; it's true that some people who are swayed by emotion, as with your politics example, Ad Hominems can be "effective at reaching the politician's goals." (But immoral IMO but yeah.) I was talking only from a logical perspective in that specific part. :)

 

Ultimately, I think that all use of clear insults is ineffective at what every person truly wants deep down. We all want positive emotional experiences, more or less, and throwing insults around to gain emotional loyalty has other bad side effects (which people who use them tend to ignore or be unaware of), which always come around to hurt the user of that tactic in the end. In my experience. :)

 

 

 

The attack could have to do specifically with the argument--for example, in a presidential debate, one side could say, "As president, I will pledge a budget of [x amount of money], which will go towards arranging that all governmental institutions in the state capitol will begin utilizing 'greener' options for energy usage."

 

The opponent could reply, "I believe that a man who invested in companies with some of the largest carbon emission statistics won't hold true to a promise like that."

 

The opponent's statement is an example of Ad Hominem

Technically that is not considered Ad Hominem, because the opponent both has reasons to believe in that "negative label" or judgement, and most importantly, is using a debating technique of intentionally appealing to those in the audience who also believe they have reasons to believe that legitimately. The alternative, to list things you already know your audience knows, can turn audiences off (though not always; it's complicated :P). Basically a good speechsmith has to judge how much of the audience will be turned off by hearing the backup and how much will honestly not have known it or realized how it's relevant (and how many who do know it believe that others need to hear it, so will tolerate or cheer its repition.

 

 

but it's totally valid since it is a specific example of why the first person isn't expected to fulfill what he promised he would in his argument.

Logically speaking, though, it is still invalid if there is no valid outside chain of logic to support it. When such a valid chain is missing, that's what is labeled as the Ad Hominem Fallacy by logicians. :) In non-logic studies the latin term may be used to refer to "negative labels" in general, yes, though. :)

 

Also, I personally think people shouldn't use Ad Hominem to label anything other than the fallacy, personally. Basically for the same reason as this, reflexively XD. Poeple shouldn't negatively label the concept of fairly labelling things negatively lol lol. But maybe that's just me. :P

 

 

An Ad Hominem is also okay when the persons character IS whats being argued about.

 

"John is not a good person"

"yes he is he mowed my lawn for free"

"He may have but he also kicks puppies and drowns cats when he thinks no ones looking"

It's debatable whether it's always okay, which is a big part of what I wanted to point out here. But again, I would not use the term Ad Hominem to describe that. :) I would call that "a negative label" in general. Ad Hominem, at least when I use it (being a logician :P) refers specifically to the logical fallacy. ^_^

 

The reason I wouldn't call that "okay" is basically the painting thing. Maybe it's true, but to speak it that way in many situations can actually only strengthen it or make it worse, rather than helping John to improve. :) Yeah?

 

 

 

 

With Deafness, though, it's not so much negative as it is meant to be sympathetic. But that's another type of negative labelling: when a person thinks that they need to be sympathetic to another person, they may only end up offending that person because that person does not think they need any sympathy.

 

This usually stems from the misconception that Deafness automatically equals disability

Yeah, this is basically a misconception about the human brain, IMO. The more I look into this stuff the more I conclude that short of death (even that's debatable but not on BZP :P) there are equal pros and cons to virtually any mental "disorder." In the case of loss of a sense (as in sight, hearing, smell, etc.), it's basically only bad in the category of things benefitted by the sense, but overall, it simply allows the brain to adjust to be better at other things. :)

 

Or to use myself as an example -- I don't know of any psychobabble term for this except the plain English, though I'll use Treespeak here for the heck of it -- I'm slowthinking. To people who are fastthinkers (and don't know better), in situations where fast thinking is important (which is what our modern society is more and more based on), I look 'handicapped.' But given time to think, I naturally think much deeper, and I can spot better ways of doing things that 'fastthinkers' have more trouble finding, so in other ways, to me, they look like the ones with a handicap.

 

Basically it's both. Weaknesses and talents are merely two sides of the same equal coin. ^_^

 

 

 

 

Actually, I think it's fair for me to say that I have a "sense" that virtually nobody else has (seemingly, and I mean, not as much so; everybody has it but most not this extent it seems). I don't even know how to label it yet or describe what it is except as something close to (but not ideally labeled as) intuition, but I feel like I've had exceptional talent in it all my life, and I've always been amazed that other people didn't have it anywhere near as much.

 

But only recently have I finally come to grips with the fact that the others can be just as content not having it as much, and with that comes the ability for me not to get upset when I see others not seeing what I see -- so be content myself.

 

 

I think there might be a comparison there to people who have all the normal senses but behave poorly towards those who are deaf, blind, etc. (And as such I've tried to apply this lesson to myself in that category too, heh.) Basically they are content yet in who they are, in that category, it would seem.

 

I think a big part of that is false notions of "I am better than others", and a misunderstanding of allocation. Basically, we're all equal, no matter what. We're all simply better at some things than others, and worse at other things than others. Equals equal. :D

 

Even if there was a hypothetical human who had a sense that literally nobody had, at all, they would still be equal.

 

(Like in my Paracosmos fanfics, Hujo has the ability to sense Soulsongs, which is basically like a psychic version of what fish can do by sensing slight vibrations, except sensing the vibrations of the "strings" that souls make as they move through time. I've started to play with the theme of his struggling about this already, especially when he went blind for a while in TI, and probably at some point I'll do something directly about it.)

 

 

 

That ties into your observation of how negative labelling can cause suffering in others and then come around as more suffering for you. Society in general suffers a little more than necessary because it doesn't realize that it's trying to solve a problem - underdeveloped and financially impoverished Deaf communities - the wrong way. Money from taxes are put in the wrong places for the wrong purposes. And it's all because of misplaced sympathy.

Super glad you brought that up. I'm planning a big series of entries soon expanding on my basic society theory (which I've mentioned many times before but only in summary). Actually, that helps me pin down another idea I need to tie some major parts of the whole thing together, thanks ever so much! :D

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