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We are Metru: Chapter 1


CeeCee

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Chapter 1

The Matoran were always told that light concurred shadow. That Mata Nui would save them from all forms of evil. To many Matoran, that hope was still in their hearts. However to Nuju this dream was a lie. Maybe there was some truth to it at one time, but now it was nothing but a false glimpse of light force fed through drip feeders into the dying hears that would consume all they could get. There was many things that Nuju didn’t like, one of them was other people. He didn’t hate them individually as such, but the thought of having to keep a conversation going made his skin crawl. He, like many Ko Matoran, loved to look to the future. He spent a lot of his time up in the high snowing mountains of Ko metru, searching for answers in the snow. While Onu Matoran liked to follow the foot prints made by others, Nuju liked to pave away himself. He thought that dwelling on the past was depressing, all the wrong doings and regrets. The only way to really overcome this was to keep moving forward. Nuju let out a quiet laugh. “Onu Matorans would call that denial” he thought to himself.

It wasn’t until he reached the peak of the mountain that Nuju looked at his surroundings. He had scaled this mountain many times before. He hated retracing his footsteps but he had climbed all the mountains the was in Ko Metru. He always thought that the closer you were to the stars, the closer you were to Mata Nui, and that you would feel the answers long before you see them. The stars gazed at Nuju , he smiled at them, but they only froned back. Not so much at him, but at every being in Metru Nui. He knew dark times were ahead.

He looked at the brightest star on the sky, Toa Lihkans. He was glad Lihkan was still around. Maybe he would shed some light in the dark times to come. He had once talled Nuju that every star was a hero, and that they were watching over him. “Heros never truly die Nuju” He would say. Nuju liked that Idea. As Nuju gazed at the millions of eyes of great heros looking back at him, he wondered, if he would ever have a star.

A movement in the snowy top forests interrupted him from his thoughts. A normal Matoran would not have seen this but Nuju did. When Nuju was first made, he very poor eye sight. He could barley see anything but except a fuzzy blur of all their shapes. He was in the fiery district of Ta Metru one time where he met a Matoran who specialized in mask making. They somehow got talking about Nujus poor vision and the mask maker offered to make him a “new eye”. Nuju accepted, but was cynical. A few hours later the red Matoran had come out with a telescopic scope. No way near as big as the ones on the telescopes he had at home. “Here, put this one one of your eyes”. He said. Somehow it seemed to fitted together with his white Matutu like building blocks. “What was his name? “Va?... Vaka? …Va…” Beofre he could finish his train of thought he was swept away by the figure from the Darkness.

*************************************

Vakama awoke. Groggily helifted his head. He looked at the clock. 6:35pm. “Oh god, im late for work”. He said out load in a panic, jumping up quickly. That woke him up properly. It was only then he realised he was at work. Lying nest to his smelting pit with a half-finished Hau. Being a Ta Matoran he liked the heat. Too bad it made him sleepy to easily. “Sleeping on the job again Vakama?” It was Nuhrii. The dark red matron stood in the door way of the smelting pit, leaning against the side of the door frame. “Just resting my eyes.” joked Vakama.

He liked Nuhrii. There was just this innocence about him that was hard to find in other Matoran, even himself. They had always been close. The started the mask making job in the same week as each other and had been friends ever since. He had always felt a bit sorry for Nuhrii. Vakama was by far, the better mask maker, but the effort Nuhrii put in to the job compared to Vakama made Vakama feel guilty. He guessed Nuhrii would have hated him if he wasn’t such a nice person. He absolutely admired Vakama. He would always try and make Kanohi as good as Vakama and every time he had made his “best yet” He would run and show Vakama. Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.Vakama had always though himself as inadequate, despite his mask making ability. In fact, this only made it worse because it made him feel like an imposter, having little training on the skill yet being so good at it, not to mention how lazy he was.

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”. “Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said. “Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama. “Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”. “Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment. Jaller noticed this, so he quickly changed the subject. “So, how does mask making actually work? ”Vakamas eyes light up, he was in his Zone now. “Well, Kanohi is a just a fancy word for mask. Each Kanohi or masks is made from a disk. Each disk has a different power. Some disks can be used for powerless Kanohi like ours, some can be used for Noble Kanohi like Turaga Dume, and finally some can be used to make GREAT Kanohi. Like the one that Toa Lihkan wears.” Jaller looked confused, so Vakama gave up. To think he was giving him the basics. “Guards, all strength and no brain” Vakama thought. “Listen, Vakama I really gotta go so is there any temporay masks that I can use for the mean time?”. “Uh, well there is this”. He picked up a yellow Mahiki. “This okay?”. “Great!, so you later Vakama!” and wioth that he ran out the door ready to start another 10 hours standing at the gate of Ta Metru, waiting enemies that they hoped would never come.

 

Please comment on what you think.

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The phrase "oh god" sounds very strange in Bionicle, as does 6:35pm. They're both Earth concepts: my advice would be to either remove them, or come up with Bionicle equivalents (for example you could say it was 'six hours past sunrise' or some such thing. We know they have sundials in the Bionicle universe, at least).

 

There are a few errors were you've used the wrong word - 'barley' instead of 'barely', 'talled' instead of 'told', etc. And when a new character starts to speak, it's generally a good idea to begin a new paragraph; it stops the text from becoming too cramped together and the reader from getting confused as to who's talking to who. Let me show you what I mean. This section:

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”. “Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said. “Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama. “Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”. “Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

Should look like this:

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”.

 

“Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said.

 

“Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.

 

” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama.

 

“Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”.

 

“Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

So, some improvement needed but you're off to a good start here. I'd certainly like to see more. :)

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The phrase "oh god" sounds very strange in Bionicle, as does 6:35pm. They're both Earth concepts: my advice would be to either remove them, or come up with Bionicle equivalents (for example you could say it was 'six hours past sunrise' or some such thing. We know they have sundials in the Bionicle universe, at least).

 

There are a few errors were you've used the wrong word - 'barley' instead of 'barely', 'talled' instead of 'told', etc. And when a new character starts to speak, it's generally a good idea to begin a new paragraph; it stops the text from becoming too cramped together and the reader from getting confused as to who's talking to who. Let me show you what I mean. This section:

 

Quote

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”. “Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said. “Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama. “Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”. “Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

Should look like this:

 

Quote

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”.

 

“Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said.

 

“Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.

 

” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama.

 

“Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”.

 

“Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

So, some improvement needed but you're off to a good start here. I'd certainly like to see more. :)

 

Sorry. I did mean to hit enter after every speech but the enter spaces were too big. I realise spelling and grammar is off, but I always intended to correct that. Thanks for the feed back man.Hope you read whats next to come

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Kumata dealt with grammar and spelling, so I'll quickly go over some of the inconsistencies with the BIONICLE canon.

 

The started the mask making job in the same week as each other and had been friends ever since. He had always felt a bit sorry for Nuhrii. Vakama was by far, the better mask maker, but the effort Nuhrii put in to the job compared to Vakama made Vakama feel guilty. He guessed Nuhrii would have hated him if he wasn’t such a nice person. He absolutely admired Vakama. He would always try and make Kanohi as good as Vakama and every time he had made his “best yet” He would run and show Vakama. Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.Vakama had always though himself as inadequate, despite his mask making ability. In fact, this only made it worse because it made him feel like an imposter, having little training on the skill yet being so good at it, not to mention how lazy he was.

 

In the official canon, Nuhrii started out well before Vakama, and was in fact Vakama's mentor. Vakama eventually turned out to have more skill, this actually made Nuhrii very jealous of him

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi.

 

A matoran with no Kanohi would be unconscious.

 

Well, Kanohi is a just a fancy word for mask.

 

Kanohi is actually the matoran word for mask. It's a bit hit and miss I'd say which you use when writing speech, but what you've got to remember is that the characters are not actually talking English. When they say Kanohi, they literally mean mask.

 

Guards, all strength and no brain

 

Jaller wasn't a guard on Metru-Nui, he was a toolmaker. Given mask-making was the major thing in Ta-Metru, I think it highly unlikely any Ta-Matoran would have such a poor understanding of what mask making was.

 

I assume this is your first attempt at writing an epic? Don't be disheartened by getting a lot of critiscism, in the long term it can help you improve, big time. I'd advise you read back through your chapters to check for errors before you post them. Also, if you're writing about canon characters, its a good practice to skim through the BS01 article on that character, particularly the minor ones. It's can be surprising how much is known about characters such as Nuhrii, who have only had brief storyline appearances.

Link to comment

Kumata dealt with grammar and spelling, so I'll quickly go over some of the inconsistencies with the BIONICLE canon.

 

Quote

 

The started the mask making job in the same week as each other and had been friends ever since. He had always felt a bit sorry for Nuhrii. Vakama was by far, the better mask maker, but the effort Nuhrii put in to the job compared to Vakama made Vakama feel guilty. He guessed Nuhrii would have hated him if he wasn’t such a nice person. He absolutely admired Vakama. He would always try and make Kanohi as good as Vakama and every time he had made his “best yet” He would run and show Vakama. Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.Vakama had always though himself as inadequate, despite his mask making ability. In fact, this only made it worse because it made him feel like an imposter, having little training on the skill yet being so good at it, not to mention how lazy he was.

 

In the official canon, Nuhrii started out well before Vakama, and was in fact Vakama's mentor. Vakama eventually turned out to have more skill, this actually made Nuhrii very jealous of him

 

Quote

 

Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi.

 

A matoran with no Kanohi would be unconscious.

 

Quote

 

Well, Kanohi is a just a fancy word for mask.

 

Kanohi is actually the matoran word for mask. It's a bit hit and miss I'd say which you use when writing speech, but what you've got to remember is that the characters are not actually talking English. When they say Kanohi, they literally mean mask.

 

Quote

 

Guards, all strength and no brain

 

Jaller wasn't a guard on Metru-Nui, he was a toolmaker. Given mask-making was the major thing in Ta-Metru, I think it highly unlikely any Ta-Matoran would have such a poor understanding of what mask making was.

 

I assume this is your first attempt at writing an epic? Don't be disheartened by getting a lot of critiscism, in the long term it can help you improve, big time. I'd advise you read back through your chapters to check for errors before you post them. Also, if you're writing about canon characters, its a good practice to skim through the BS01 article on that character, particularly the minor ones. It's can be surprising how much is known about characters such as Nuhrii, who have only had brief storyline appearances.

 

Oh sorry. I should have told you to read the entry before this one. It explains all that. Thanks for taking the time to read it though. Im sure they say mask power in Bionicle. And mask of time

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My bad. :P Thanks for pointing that out. You might want to put the contents of that blog entry at the top of your thread in the epics forum, or you'll get similar reviews.

 

Like I said, the thing with Kanohi Masks is hit and miss with what they say in the story. As a word in the Matoran language, it would not be described as "a fancy word for mask" though.

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Oh I see. Listen Taipu. I really appreicate the fact that you have take your time to read through this and find stuff thats wrong with it. At you point of veiw, you may be thinking I would get annoyed by people finding faults with my work but its actually the opposite.

Can you pick out anything that you like from it(Ch1 or Ch2)?

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