ASGARDIAN THESPIAN MATT DAMON: Hey Thanos, I was recently in a movie about the very problem that you're concerned about. I would like to propose an alternative plan of action to balancing the universe. We even have precedent for it with an Ant-Man. Let's have a conversation about this.

----

HULK: Puny Titan!

THANOS: Why did I even flinch when you first tried punching me, anyway? I mean, I'm infinitely powerful, not just more powerful than you by a few increments. Literally, you're going to break your fist just swinging at me.

---

LOKI: I pledge my undying loyalty.

THANOS: Undying? You should choose your words more carefully. [kills Loki]

EBONY MAW: Wait, you actually killed him?

THANOS: Yeah, what did you expect?

EBONY MAW: I mean, with the way you phrased that last statement, I thought that you were going to sentence him to an undying punishment worse than Death. You know, kind of like Doctor Who in that one episode, "Family of Blood."

THANOS: You know, in hindsight that would have been more poetic.

---

TONY STARK: Shut up, Squidward!

EBONY MAW: Imma just going to use my psychic powers to twist your insides....yeah, now you're done. That was remarkably easy.

---

DOCTOR STRANGE: [cuts off arm of black dwarf.] Wow, the ability to chop off people's hands when they get trapped in an infinitely sharp portal closing is pretty useful. You know, that gives me an idea. [stops time, finds Thanos, and creates portal around Thanos's wrist to cut off the infinity gauntlet] Man, being smart is awesome.

---

THOR: The Time and Mind Stones are safe on Earth. They're with the Avengers.

PETER QUILL: The Avengers?

THOR: They're Earth's mightiest heroes.

GAMORA: Like Kevin Bacon?

THOR: I wish. As it stands, without him this epic crossover doesn't feel complete.

---

ROCKET: You need more than one stupid eyeball.

THOR: Do you have any more of these?

ROCKET: Yeah, of course I do. I steel these all the time. It's sort of my thing. Why?

THOR: I've heard through the grape vine that there's a blind guy called Daredevil who could use a couple of these. Imagine what he could do if he had all of his senses.

ROCKET: Is he a normal guy without powers?

THOR: Well yes, but you don't have any powers. Drax doesn't have any powers. Some of the Avengers have no superpowers. Let's just go get him.

---

VISION: Thank you, Captain.

NATASHA ROMANOV: Thank me, too. I'm literally just a normal person without any superpowers who beat the tar out of two people who can rip through vibranium. In fact, they were taking on you and Wanda, who managed to rip apart a vibranium Ultron. How it it that I can even do that?

---

GAMORA: Swear to me. Swear to me on your mother.

PETER QUILL: Okay...Dude, how long have you been standing there?

KAPURA: It is as Vakama said. I practiced and became skilled. I now know the secret art of travelling great distances by moving very slowly. It is only a small matter for me to be wherever I am not. It is a very useful skill.

---

THANOS: Reality is often disappointing?

GAMORA: Wait, if you have the Reality Stone now, why not actually, you know, change reality?

THANOS: Well, I was considering going over to my home planet of Titan and temporarily changing reality to restore it to its former glory, and then reverting back to the current reality the moment I was done with my villainous monologue with Tony Stark, but maybe I could restore my old place. Not a bad idea, come to think of it.

---

THANOS: [turns Drax to blocks and Mantis to ribbons] Aaaaaaand I'm gonna keep you that way.

---

BRUCE BANNER: Thanos has the biggest army in the universe.

STEVE ROGERS: How big?

BRUCE BANNER: So big that it could probably form a circle around all of Wakanda.

STEVE ROGERS: That's...not necessarily the biggest in the whole universe. Have you seen the Chinese army? Have you seen the American army? Have you seen the Russian army? I was literally in the army during WWII. The allied army under Eisenhower, remember? If you have a war with the largest army in the universe, it's going to cover a lot more than just one battle field.

---

THOR: Eitri, wait! Stop!

EITRI: Thor?

THOR: No, it's Deadpool. Of course it's Thor.

EITRI: I wasn't in the Deadpool movie. I was in Days of Future Past. But I still appreciate the reference to one of my past lives.

---

THANOS: You know, I've been thinking a little bit. Now that I can make reality whatever I want it to be...I'm just going to make my army infinite.

DEADSHOT: So that's it, huh? We're some kind of...Infinity War?

---

THANOS: Seriously, though. I could make my army consist of anything now. I could make it full of Bohrok. They'd clean the universe up quite well. Bohrok Kal, too. Through in a few Rahkshi, the Piraka. Heck, I'll even alter reality to include my own version of the Avengers. That oughtta make this a lopsided fight.

---

GAMORA: The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize, and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing. No one.

THANOS: [You know, I was thinking of sacrificing you, because I really love you. but come to think of it...I have the Reality Stone. Seriously, how do I keep on forgetting that? There's literally no need to sacrifice you because I can basically fulfill my mission with that one alone. Plus, in case I don't really know how to use it yet (which I clearly don't, but I'm sure I could spend my lunch breaks practicing) I now have control over space and power for good measure. Maybe I'll just go get the Time Stone instead. The only reason why I even really wanted the Infinity Stones was to help me do my depopulation program in a more time-efficient manner. I'm pretty sure I can get that one and the Mind Stone in short order, and after I get those two, then I'll come back here and contemplate sacrificing my own daughter if I find those insufficient. But as it stands right now, I don't really need to rush this. I'm definitely not going to rush it if it means killing my own daughter.

---

OKOYE: When you said you were going to open Wakanda to the rest of the world, this is not what I imagined.

T'CHALLA: What did you imagine?

OKOYE: The Olympics. Maybe even a Starbucks.

T'CHALLA: Have you seen the news? I don't think you want a Starbucks here.

---

DOCTOR STRANGE: I went forward in time, to view alternative futures, to see all possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

TONY STARK: How many did you see?

DOCTOR STRANGE: 14,000,605.

TONY STARK: Did we win any?

DOCTOR STRANGE: One.

PETER PARKER: How many scenarios did we win in the past?

DOCTOR STRANGE: Come again?

PETER PARKER: Have you seen that one really old movie with the robot?

DOCTOR STRANGE: I am a doctor. I have taken an oath.

PETER QUILL: Just send me back. I'll do it. [goes back to the past and assassinates SARAH THANOS]

---

THANOS: Imma going to use muh stones to pull down the moon on you guys...but I'm totally not going to use it to alter reality, and definitely not to just make you explode. Like seriously.

TONY STARK: Wait, do you even know how to use those?

THANOS: I'm working on it. So far I've figured out how to create illusions and turn people into blocks and ribbons, and weapons into bubbles. Actually, since we've established that, you suit...now bubbles. Mantis, you're ribbons again. Drax, blocks again. Quill...I was sanitary with the others, but you returned wiith my daughter waaaaaaaaaay after her curfew, so I'm turning you into puddle of blood.

---

NEBULA: Gamora. He took her to Vormir. He came back with the Soul Stone, and she didn't.

DOCTOR STRANGE: I'm of half a mind to quick go back in time and prevent you from narrating that.

NEBULA: Yeah, in hindsight, I should probably have waited before I said that out loud.

PETER QUILL: It's okay. I wasn't going to punch him or anything, just...[shoots Thanos in the face seconds after the gauntlet comes off]

DOCTOR STRANGE: Aaaaaaaand that was the scenario in which we won. Way to go, guys.

---

THANOS: You're full of tricks, wizard, but you never stopped to use your greatest weapon.

DOCTOR STRANGE: Thanos! I've come to bargain!

THANOS: You're full of tricks, wizard, but you never stopped to use your greatest weapon.

DOCTOR STRANGE: Thanos! I've come to bargain!

THANOS: You're full of tricks, wizard, but you never stopped to use your greatest weapon.

DOCTOR STRANGE: Thanos! I've come to bargain!

THANOS: You're full of tricks, wizard, but you never stopped to use your greatest weapon.

DOCTOR STRANGE: Thanos! I've come to bargain!

THANOS: Screw this, I'm out.

IRON MAN: How did you get him to change him mind like that?

DOCTOR STRANGE: This isn't my first rodeo with a villain that was theoretically infinite.

---

THANOS: All that for a drop of blood.

TONY STARK: Honestly, I'm surprised that I even got that. I mean, you kicked the purple pants offa the Hulk earlier, and that was with just one Infinity Stone.

---

VISION: If he gets this stone, half the Universe dies. But, as it happens...I've seen this one really old movie.

THANOS: Give me the Stone.

VISION: This is not the Stone you are looking for.

THANOS: This is not the Stone I am looking for.

---

STEVE ROGERS: Aaaaaaargh!

THANOS: [grunts]

STEVE ROGERS: Wait, are you actually putting effort into fighting me? I thought that you were just playing with me. You Puny Goded the Hulk and Thor earlier when you had only one Infinity Stone, the one that can destroy planets. And you threw a moon. Are you kidding me?

THANOS: I'm emotional right now. My daughter died.

STEVE ROGERS: I get emotional, too, but that doesn't mean that it suddenly becomes hard for me to squish an ant.

---

GROOT: I AM GROOT

ROCKET: Wait a minute, if Thanos wants to get rid of overpopulation, why is he killing trees? Groot isn't taking up resources. He literally is a resource!