The Depressing Happy Birthday Song

Oh! Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
A trip around the sun!
And the whole band gathers round
And gifts & laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song!

Happy Birthday! Now you’re one year older
Happy Birthday! Your life still isn’t over
Happy Birthday! You’ve not accomplished much
But you didn’t die this year
I guess that’s good enough!

Cheers to your fading health
I hope you don’t remind yourself
Your chance of finding fame and wealth
Decreases every year.
Does it feel like you’re doing laps,
Eating food, taking naps,
And hoping that someday perhaps your life will hold some cheer?

Happy Birthday! You’ve done nothing that matters!
Happy Birthday! You’re starting to get fatter!
Happy Birthday! It’s downhill from now on!
Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone!

If cryogenics were all free
Then you could be like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice!
But this is it, your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn’t ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might!

Happy Birthday! You wish you had more money!
Happy Birthday! Your life’s so sad it’s funny!
Happy Birthday! How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake!

Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday, dear Toa Rocco!