Oh! Once a year we celebrate

With stupid hats and plastic plates

The fact that you were able to make

A trip around the sun!

And the whole band gathers round

And gifts & laughter do abound

And we let out a joyful sound

And sing that stupid song!

Happy Birthday! Now you’re one year older

Happy Birthday! Your life still isn’t over

Happy Birthday! You’ve not accomplished much

But you didn’t die this year

I guess that’s good enough!

Cheers to your fading health

I hope you don’t remind yourself

Your chance of finding fame and wealth

Decreases every year.

Does it feel like you’re doing laps,

Eating food, taking naps,

And hoping that someday perhaps your life will hold some cheer?

Happy Birthday! You’ve done nothing that matters!

Happy Birthday! You’re starting to get fatter!

Happy Birthday! It’s downhill from now on!

Try not to remind yourself your best years are all gone!

If cryogenics were all free

Then you could be like Walt Disney

And live for all eternity

Inside a block of ice!

But this is it, your time is set

This is the only life you get

And though it hasn’t ended yet

Sometimes you wish it might!

Happy Birthday! You wish you had more money!

Happy Birthday! Your life’s so sad it’s funny!

Happy Birthday! How much more can you take?

But your friends are hungry

So just cut the stupid cake!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, dear Arpy!