Thursday night, I earned all possible points in effort and in degree of difficulty. That was barely enough to avert disaster, though, and there is a lesson to be learned.

For Valentine's Day, I thought I'd get fancy, and pulled a recipe from foodnetwork.com for Pistachio-crusted tilapia & chard with prosciutto and gorgonzola.

Because Amanda doesn't like pistachios, and I have no idea where to find chard, I made some substitutions in the recipe.

It starts simply enough: chop up some oregano, thyme, garlic and macadamia nuts for the crusting. Salt & pepper the fish filets, and brush with honey mustard before crusting and frying in olive oil. While the fish cooks (2-3 minutes on each side), the prosciutto, some pine nuts, and the field greens flash fry/steam in olive oil at a higher temp. Two pans going at the same time.

Mistake #1, I forgot to add the honey mustard before applying the crust. It all went downhill from there.

Mistake #2, I was tending to the fish filets while the oil was heating up. I'm trying to set the macadamia into a filet a little better, and all of a sudden, I hear a *foom* behind me.

THE SMALLER SKILLET CAUGHT FIRE.

Spontaneous combustion of the olive oil.

I had LIQUID FIRE in my as-of-yet unused aluminum skillet.

Mistake #3, I had never complained to the management about my not having a fire extinguisher.

Adding water to an oil or other liquid-fuel fire does not help put it out: it only provides a manner of fuel transportation. (A mist of water is a different thing: the mist displaces some of the oxygen in the air.) I realized this, and knew not to run it in the sink. Pouring it down the sink was also not an option: fire would certainly tear up the PVC piping or the food disposal. I couldn't blow it out, as I was quickly losing oxygen myself (semi-cramped kitchenette) to olive oil smoke.

The only option, remove the pan & fire from the apartment. I took it outside, as if to say "Now what?"

Fire needs 3 things to survive: Fuel (olive oil), oxygen (air), and heat (the pan). While I couldn't do anything about the first two components, I could do something about the third.

Fire rained down at Flowergate apartments Thursday night.

Fortunately, no one was hurt.

Mistake #4, I didn't have the sense to stop while I was ahead.

Undaunted, I pressed on with the menu. After cooling the skillet, I put more oil (at a lower heat), and tried to continue in the still smoke-filled kitchen. While I got the prosciutto in for the right amount of time, the pine nuts were in a bit too long, and they looked more like coffee beans when the greens were done steaming.

Amanda (who bruised her knee during the pan evacuation episode), was still impressed with the fish, but I clearly bit off more than I could chew.

Two lessons.

1: NEVER EVER EVER leave a pan on the stove unattended. EVER.

2: Make reservations for Valentine's Day.

-KIE