My sister had a teacher in high-school who she says was the stupidest man above the level of retardation she's ever met. He taught physiology, but never actually read the student's answers, preferring to simply use the "You did a whale of a job!" stamp.

As such, she put in nonsensical answers.

Worksheet on Alcohol:

 

5. Wha [sic] is being exposed to a fetus?

Being exposed to a fetus is a disturbing experience, to say the least.

 

7. What is a safe drinker?

A safe drinker is considerate to himself and to his fellows. He harbors pleasant thoughts and nurtures the self-esteem of his companions. Through the actualization of his ideals, he finds fulfillment.

 

Vision

 

1. How do we see?

We see through a glass darkly.

 

6. What does color convey in Navajo paintings?

Color conveys the Navajo's way of walking quite high above the ground.

 

10. What is regeneration?

Regeneration is the consummation of a reactivation culminating in successive recreations.

 

Weight Control

 

4. What is the second major step in creating junk food?

Clearly, the second step involves continuingation.

(Mr. Osborne had a habit of using this word.)

 

5. How can tradition affect the health of cultures?

Tradition is a shocking instance of culture gone wild. Fortunately, groundbreaking research is being performed at this time.

 

7. What is a successful weight control program?

A successful weight control program is one marked by success.

 

And now, my essay "SARS: Disease of the Future":

 

 

In this fast-paced, topsy-turvy world, we need a disease that can keep up with the hype. SARS, the glitzy contagion that enraptured the world, began its trek across the earth on a warm, starry night in Asia. On another topic, the cause or origin and incidence and occurence are quite similar and various in SARS. I would say that SARS (though we are not acquainted personally) has its origin in the past and its occurence in what is yet to come.

 

Symptoms are intravenously administered at the first indication of infection. Signs, on the other hand, are to be differentiated from signification in Lacan's interpretation of symbolism in "The Purloined Letter." The diagnosis of SARS is postmodern, ironically revisiting the diagnoses of the Black Plague in the Middle Ages. Thus, I have attended to your instruction, "Diagnosis: identify."

 

Prognosis, however, is a much more complicated matter. The prognosis of celebrity is ever a fickle one; the sheer popularity of SARS enhances its ephemeral nature. I would never presume to predict the essence and actions of SARS. It is entirely contrary to my principles to do so. Yet when it comes to treatment, my discourse is potentially interminable. The process of "treating" SARS involves successive applications of treatative materials. With luck, Borges' "New Refutation of Time" will be proven incorrect and treatment will be effective in a timely manner.

 

It remains to be seen if the current SARS mania will endure into eternity. One thing is certain: even more so than the modernism of the Roaring Twenties, the postmodernism of Eco, and the posthumanity of Ryan Matlock, SARS exemplifies posteternity.

Here she makes fun of his nonsensically titled worksheet on dietary fads, the "Eye-Diet."

The "Eye" Diet": An Exploration of "Eye"-Catching Dietary Fads

 

2. The "target" body aspect of the Atkins is a low-carb diet. Supposedly, a diet low in carbohydrates leaves the subject feeling "full" for "longer." Furthermore, the extra energy expended digesting protein diminishes the allocation of calories to other bodily functions. Allow me to explain:

(no explanation follows)

 

3. Although Dr. Atkins purports to be a nutritional revolutionary, he is, in fact, over one hundred years behind the dietary genius Dr. William Banting. In 1862, Banting formulated the aptly-named "Banting Diet." Banting's Banting Diet included lean meats, leafy vegetables, dry wine, and dry toast. Sir Banting fathered the remarkable notion that carbohydrates are "human beans." He asserts, "A horse that normally eats oats and grains would sicken and die if fed beans exclusively. Similarly, if a man were to eat carbohydrates on a daily basis, he would fall under the influence of those human beans... Experience has taught me that these human beans are enemies of man."

 

4. Few people expressed interest in Banting's 1862 publication of Letter on Corpulence Addressed to the Public. In fact, most members of the British Medical Association were resolutely hostile towards his propositions.

Banting began to look "with pity, not unmixed with sorrow, upon men of eminence who had the rashness and folly to designate the dietary system as humbug." His few supporters, however, assured him that his low-carb method was "as old as the hills."

Who, indeed, would not wish to be as old as the hills?

 

5. The Atkins and Banting diets, which target health, have a number of health-related consequences. In consequence of certain effects, those factors affect results. Firstly, low carb diets have been associated with high cholesterol and kidney damage. Glucose imbalances can induce irritability and lightheadedness. However, the self-satisfied Banting maintains, "(These accusations) have no better foundation than the frequent reports of my death, or of my being seriously ill and afflicted with boils, carbuncles, and other ailments through the rigid pursuit of my dietary system."

 

6. You ask me to give my perspective on the "program." Well, let me tell you, perspective is a fickle and fluid thing. Just when I think I know what I think, I think I don't know what that is.

For instance, I would fiercely recommend the "Eye" Diet in question to any friend or family member, but I would deny it three times without hesitation. At this point I'd like to express my appreciation for the title "Eye" Diet. Just when you think education is becoming dry and stale, a little gem of wit like this comes and smacks you in the face. How gratifying.

Furthermore, low-carb diets are effective in the short run, but can bring about critical physiological imbalances and weight gain upon termination of the "program." It is rarely sustainable. For this reason, Atkin's and Banting's "human beans" are a truly remarkable staple of the human diet. Next time you're rowing a boat or constructing a well, remember that those carb-loaded human beans are the powerhouses of your cells.

 

Ok, so that concludes the "Eye" Diet paper. Here are a few brief questions from that free diving paper, etc:

 

1. Heart disease in women will strike? [sic]

A: Heart disease in women will strike.

 

1. What is no limit diving?

A: It is diving with few to no limits.

 

5. How does the laryngospasm reflex help free diving?

A: The laryngospasm reflex helfps free diving by spasming the larynx helpfully.

 

6. What depths can we dive?

A: Oh - the depths we can dive!