I am omitting names, replacing them with whatever is said.

I remember the day vividly, very vividly, but you probably wish to hear some backstory before I get into the heart of the matter.

I had a friend, we knew eachother eversince we were young toddlers toddling about. We got in trouble together, rather frequently. She convinced me at one time to help her get a lamp... it fell and broke, but we were only five or four and in a daycare center. The two of us had some amazing times together, always laughing, high spirited and having always planned things together. No matter what the plan was.

She, was my best friend, one of my only friends from ages 2-10. We spent a total of 10 years as great friends, we were so close and tightnit that she would talk to me about... anything. Anything at all, and she was a very positive and enlightening person to be around. She'd always crack some sort of joke, bad or not in order to release tension in a room if there ever was some, she'd try to comfort, or help anyone who was down on themself (being me probably most of the time, I rather considered myself to not be meeting standards as a student, a child, a sibling, nor just being me.) She had been the one to tell me differently, to help me out everytime I needed someone who could understand me.

If I had the choice of going to Europe, or spending a day with her in some mall, or home, or outdoors; I would pick the latter. To me, she was like family. Nothing could seperate us, and nothing could rip apart our childish mischief that ran from preschool to first grade.

We went to the same school together, and we were always found messing around during recess. It was so much fun, I remember all of the games of "tag", or of just anything else really. I was far too young to consider the fact that I did actually have feelings for her, personally I just thought that we would be really close friends. At that age I hadn't thought much out of the lines of things.

Let me correct something; we KNEW eachother for ten years, I had moved at the year of eight and had felt rather depressed. It saddened me very greatly to be leaving such a friend behind, heck I nearly ran away before the move because of it. But, I knew that if I ran, my parents, and my only friend would probably be worried sick, and I didn't want to cause that. I was forced to go, and at this age it was a normal thing to cry... I think I was... maybe ten actually, but was still without much confidence in myself, and was pretty easily hurt, inside and out.

The move had torn me away from my greatest friend, and she is still my greatest friend and will always be. It was a year ago, 2007, when I recieved a phone call from her parents. Of course, it was my own parent (they were divorced shortly before this, in this case it was mother) who answered the phone. She silently had put it down while saying some things to the other end I could not make out, nor understand.

Then she looked at me, as one would look at a relative after someone special to the family had passed away (I did know what that look was like, I had a cousin when I was five pass away). She said in a soft and sad tone;

"Josh?" I looked up from what I was doing and could feel the negativity that my parent was giving off. I thought she had perhaps been fired from her job again, but if that happened I knew it would have been my fault for being such a pain in the arse.

"Yes?" I asked in a somewhat shaky tone. I was curious, but at the same time I was rather fearful that my thoughts had occurred. (The friend and I had kept close contact from when we moved, very close, but it had stopped about a month ago, and I was told the lie from my parent that she had gone on a vacation with the family)

"What I said... a month or so ago. When I told you that Emily (that is just a name I am using), went on a vacation... I should tell you what actually did happen. You have more right to know." I wondered what she was going to say, but she looked about ready to just quiet herself and head out to the garage to "think" (I was also fearing for the health of my own mother, but the reason to that is a form of addictive drug, [not illegal], but mentioning forms of addictivity on BZP just doesn't sound right in my head).

"Mhmm." I said feeling the inability to form words with my mouth.

"They... didn't go on vacation. Emily, was in a car accident. A van had rammed into the small car, and totalled it completely." She said that quietly, and I could see that she felt rather sad about repeating that tragic event.

"Is she okay?" I blurted out pretty loudly, I worried that she had been hospitalized with a broken arm or something, but the answer I recieved... it felt like someone had decided to take a lead pipe and thwack me as hard as they could with it.

"She's... in a better place." was my answer, at first I didn't get it, I was still not exactly going for the alludeness, and so wanted to know for sure. When my mother noted that she then said "I'm sorry Josh... but... she didn't make it." She had died in the hospital, there had been nothing the doctors could do.

The thoughts that reoccur in my mind still make me feel like crying. I wasn't there... I wasn't there when she needed me most. I wasn't there to say goodbye. I wasn't even knowing of this! If I had known... I don't know... it just wouldn't have hit me so hard... but they had expected her to live I guess, and didn't want to worry me. But that was a risk, and since I wasn't told... not told about anything, I felt like my world had pretty much been sent aflame, and that I was watching the years that were made so great, into painful and hrtful memories that plaued me to this day. I still have nightmares about it, still keep thinking that I wasn't there to help.

I wasn't there, and she was always there for me. If I had a single wish, it would be that she was still here, and that I was still there. I... never got to tell her anything before this... was never able to tell her of my achievments in school, of my newfound abilities.

She had affected my life, probably greater than anyone would ever do so. She had been the one to set a career I want in stone, and by all means I will get this career. The last thing she had ever said to me... it was;

"You can achieve your dreams, all you need to do is try."

I still have that email... but it isn't within my current account and so I will never be able to see it physically again, but I can see it displayed in my mind. I am doing exactly that, I am going to achieve my dreams, and I swear I will get there. No matter what tries to hinder me, I will improvise and work around it.

Another thing to say;

This was the reason why I had dropped out of RPGs on this site (TFD, DotT, and so many others) I never gave the reason, but here it is.

And now, I will revert to a breakdown of sobbing and get back up eventually.