The end of September is always a favorite time of the year for me. Not only because September 25 is my birthday, but because Olive Garden always has their "never-ending pasta bowl" special. All you can eat pasta and sauce for $7.95$8.95...I think. For $2$1.50$1.95$2.95 more, you can get meatballs or italian sausage (like the pizza topping) or chicken with every fillup.

I like pasta. I'mI was OCD over my wire-mesh colander, because I like my pasta. I tinker with cans of tomatoes, fresh onions & garlic, to make a good sauce, because I like my pasta.

But Olive Garden is better at it than me, so I defer to their expertise.

I give you:

KIE'S GUIDE TO THE OLIVE GARDEN'S NEVER ENDING PASTA BOWL

First things first, I will explain the different types of pasta.

Spaghetti: You know it, you love it. A long noodle with a circular cross-section.

Linguine: Spaghetti that has been flattened some. Not round, but more of a rectangular cross-section. Also comes in a whole-wheat variety.

Fettuccini: Linguine flattened even further. A flat noodle that is often served with alfredo.

Penne: Tube pasta cut at angles. "Rigatoni" has ridges running the length of the tube, but penne doesn't necessarily have them. However, they always look like they were cut in a miter box.

Capellini: Also known as "angel hair," this is spaghetti that shrank in the wash or something. Very small, very delicate, very easy to snap and get all over the kitchen if you bought it at the store.

Farfalle: The famous "bow-tie" pasta. Best for hanging on to chunky sauces.

Orecchiette: Foreboding name. Shell pasta.Actually means "little ear", and is basically a large dimple. Neat.

That's not all the pasta there is. You've got vermicelli, which is somewhere between spaghetti and angel hair. You've got ravioli and tortellini, which are filled shells. You've got lasagne, which warrants its own dish. The six (7 if you count whole-wheat) are just the choices you have at Olive Garden for this promo.

Then, the sauces.

This is less an explanation and more a critique, so that you will not waste a dish getting something you don't want.

Alfredo: I didn't get this, but I have it on good authority that Olive Garden doesn't screw up an alfredo often. It's a white cheesy sauce that's not chunky at all.

Marinara: A chunkier, spicier variation on the tomato sauce you know & love. If you're going to get meatballs, this should be your first choice on sauce.

Meat sauce: All this sauce really is, is bland. Meat cooked down with some tomatoes, it's just oily and bland. Fleh. Despite the illusion of being able to cheat the system and get meat without paying for it, this sauce is just not worth it.Olive Garden has made some effort to improve this sauce. My folks thought it was okay, but I didn't have any the other day.

And then, there are some non-standard sauces.

Sun-dried tomato parmesan: I tried this sauce twice: once in Kenner and once in Lake Charles. Both times it was just...bland. The tomatoes didn't really add any flavor, and the base parmesan is not alfredo. It was missing something. Maybe garlic salt. Maybe garlic or some other herbs. I don't know for certain, but this sauce is incomplete as it is served now.

ThreeFive cheese marinara: This sauce I remember from two or three years ago (I didn't get the chance to pig out on unlimited pasta last year: Katrina and Rita both closed the Olive Gardens that I would have been able to visit.), though it might have been a three cheese marinara at the time. The sauce is a smoother marinara, mixed with a five cheese blend (I can't tell you what the cheeses are, but it's cheese, right? It's not cottage, cheddar, or pepperjack so it all tastes the same.). Easily the best sauce they have. Might be too rich for meat on the side, but I definitely recommend this sauce for the younger palate.

Sausage & peppers marinara: Italian sausage and red & yellow bell peppers in marinara sauce. Lovely to look at, but I'm not one for the taste of bell peppers. I confess: I didn't have the opportunity to taste this one.

Smoked mozzarella alfredo: Alfredo with more cheese on it. Divine

Asiago Alfredo: My brother said "It's good." I take his word for it.

Tomato Basil Caprese: Light & tasty. Very good stuff, if only a bit runny at the bottom of the bowl. Highly recommended.

Roasted Portobello Pomodoro: Whew. They bill this as a marinara sauce, but it's not anything like the multi-cheese marinara. If you've had the Capellini Pomodoro off the regular menu, this is the same sauce. If not, prepare for a spicy take on marinara. How they do it without chile peppers, though, is beyond me at this time. I am interested to find out though... Oh, and the portobello mushrooms contribute nothing: the pomodoro sauce well over-powers it. This isn't a bad sauce per se, just poorly described.

Creamy Parmesan Florentine: It's cheese sauce. With spinach. Nothing. Special. Just. Disappointing.

Chianti Three Meat: In a word, disappointing. If you've ever had the Chianti Braised Short Ribs from the menu, you know of the absolutely wonderful sauce that comes pooled in the bottom of the plate. This tastes nothing like it. It's spicy; it's heavy; it's greasy; it's disappointing.

Creamy Parmesan Portobello: Oh, what did the cremini mushroom market do before they started marketing the oversized ones as portobello? Still, if a sauce has the name of a mushroom in its name, I would expect it to have some element of meaty umami in it. Instead, the sauce literally tasted like pasta water. I don't know who dropped the ball in the kitchen, but they would've done better to just drop some mushrooms in their alfredo and called it "done."

Olive Garden's "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" ends in early October.

On a side note, unless Donald Driver single-handedly beats the Philadelphia Eagles tonight, the Moss Bluff Cruisers will defeat the Poplarville Stallions and return to a .500 record, just in time to visit the Cookie Crunchers in Week 5.Assuming David Akers has a quiet night and Rashard Mendenhall has a ho-hum game tomorrow night, the Moss Bluff Cruisers will climb back to .500, going through the undefeated Waveland Wusses in the process.The Cruisers in globo laid an egg. Clinton Portis, Kurt Warner, Baltimore D/ST, Antonio Gates, Brandon Jacobs....it's going to be a long season.Hooray for fantasy football.

-KIE

(Yes, this is a republish. It will be republished every year, as applicable.)