Republished from last year today, for relevance. >_>

And it needs to take a shower.

But we are nearing that most precious time of year, when groups of total strangers will come to your door. But these are no normal total strangers, no. The male ones tend to dress up as "zombies" - completely normal people that just happen to be dead. The female ones tend to dress up as "witches", but the older ones use it as an excuse to wear very little, and still call it a witch. These people sound nice enough, perhaps you'd love to have a "zombie" or "witch" as your neighbor, but they have one serious personality defect - an insatiable hunger for candy. And most often, this is your candy, which you have habitually bought and placed in a big bowl, instead of being sensible and eating it yourself. And don't forget the serious best part - it will be cold. The candy in the large bowl shall be frozen after a few minutes of dealing with zombies and witches and guys that just come by for the candy.

Yes, treasured friends - it is time for the holiday called Halloween very soon. Leaves have fallen, snow is falling, and just a lot of stuff in general is falling. Like, falls. But that word's quickly overused. Let's call it "removing oneself from an upright position" from now on.

Perhaps you're not one of those who is giving out candy senselessly, and you're instead a mugger, I mean, zombie or witch. Taking candy? Go you! "Experts" on Halloweenfare at this time of year like to give you safety tips - like, bringing a flashlight. Presumably, this is to beat the zombies on the head while they try to steal your candy, but I have no earthly idea. The only things you should take are flare guns, a goat, and a walking stick. Why? I'm afraid I can't tell you, as this is a family-friendly site.

Also, in this time of sweets, the thing that is of utmost importance is bringing pies along. Pies, such a cliche, you say. But it's incredibly useful to have a friend with a bunch of pie trotting behind you, so that when one of those older total strangers that try to take the candy away from you, and eventually give in and give you hard candy, you can deal them a swift SPLOT in the face. Hard candy is a scourge upon our nations, the proverbial fly in our soup - you don't want to see it there, you don't want to eat it or touch it, and it probably came to you from a smelly fat guy.

Presumably, your neighborhood consists of at least one person who takes it all way too seriously - like, for instance, having themselves chained up while in a werewolf costume on their front lawn. This serves to freak out little kids, and have them made fun of behind their back for the rest of their lives. You'll be popular the rest of the night, but please, for the sake of everything Ween that is Hallo, do not be this person. Be cool, and hide behind a bush while shooting zombies and witches in the buttocks with glow-in-the-dark paintballs.

We all love this season, removing oneself from an upright position, yes. But remember the true meaning of Halloween while you're out there, placing toilet paper lovingly on your best friend's home - the true pleasure is not in recieving, but giving. And by giving, I mean recieving.