Ben Albrecht runs a well-known conspiracy/alien/ghost/telepathy/cryptozoology radio show from out of his trailer. He frequently claims to have caught and locked up an alien in his bathroom, but it usually turns out to be a small child or other person who happened to be walking by. Conspiracy theorist is a listener.

Comrade Christmas is the Soviet version of Santa Claus. He comes down the smokestack every Christmas to deliver an identical toy to every child, and new work-schedules to every parent. It is a gulag-worthy offense not to let him in.

This is el Sanchez. Or as they call him in Mexico, el Sanch. Or, as that means in inglés, the Sanch. He goes around telling inappropriate anecdotes to total strangers and claiming to be a comedian. He is quite insane. (This is based 100% on a guy who sometimes comes up to my friends and I when we're eating at the store down the road from us. We don't know his actual name, but we call him "El Sanchez.")

Hiram Manhauser is a meek, unsuccessful businessman. His stocks are in perpetual freefall, and he technically is worth less than zero dollars.

This old man is a sad and crazy World War 2 veteran who relives his wartime memories through his cats. (His favorite cat is "The Admiral.")

Theodor Garstank is the head of Stickington's Farmer's Union. He is a very old, gullible man, whose vast compost heaps conceal decommissioned Soviet subs. They were hidden there by the Soviet Invasion Force (Led by Vovachka Gansukh).

Good Ol' Ben works in a cherrypicker. The maximum capacity of the cherrypicker is 500 pounds, but Ben is 499, so it's fine. His vocal cords are so fat that when he speaks it resembles whalesong. Slow it down digitally, though, and it becomes coherent English.

A ground-dwelling squid. It burrows slowly and eats worms and slugs.

A glass alien, with cell walls made of silicon. It is extremely graceful, in and out of water, and has roughly human intelligence. As it ages, though, its cell walls gradually thicken, turning it an opaque, dull grey, and its body processes become sluggish. It becomes inert and grows slowly and indefinitely, feeding at longer and longer intervals. Usually they'll eventually die of weathering or parasites, but some, when encased in ice or sediment, have gone on living indefinitely, growing to huge sizes, but atrophied and bloated. They are effectively immortal, and their intelligent minds spend millennia doing nothing but thinking.

The Doodlemonster is a swamp-dwelling grub about four feet tall. It lives in murky water and mud, lurching up at animals that go by. Though its jumps aren't very accurate, its jaws are near-impossible to escape, and it can drag prey down as large as a deer. The Doodlemonster lives like this for up to thirty years before metamorphosing. Gradually its exoskeleton and outer body layers fuse and harden into a coccoon, and after only a few days it breaks open to reveal an adult Doodlemonster. The adult is far smaller—roughly two feet long when uncurled—and has underdeveloped jaws and limbs without joints. It lives for only a day or two, and spends its entire time mating and laying eggs.

A drawing I made in class of my horrible English substitute.

A sad, dejected man.

The Man with the Stupendous Forehead!

Another man with a stupendous forehead!

Something I'm very proud of.