G.I. Joe got in a report that a Cobra spy had been caught. "We're gonna make him squeal", he thought. He had close connections with the Cobra leader guy, and he had information that could save the world.

"Sir," one of his colleagues said. "We've tried everything. He won't talk."

Joa's eyes widened and he ran a bewildered hand through his hair. He was hoping it wouldn't come to this. He really was. He was about to suggest completely inhuman measures that no man should have impressed upon them. He pulled out of his pocket a sheet of paper with a list of last resort means of torture. It read:

1. Play "Achy Breaky Heart" a million times.

2. Ask them to explain the ending to "The Matrix: Revolutions."

3. Take pictures of him in pink bunny pajamas and show all his friends.

4. Feed him school lunches.

5. Have Michael Phelps "shun" him.

6. Chuck Norris.

7. Threaten to hand him over to his mother-in-law.

8. Have an "Aunt Bertha" hug and kiss him.

9. Lock him up with Tom Cruise.

10. Have an opera singer named Groomhilda sit on him.

11. Force him to watch that stupid G.I. Joe movie.

12. Force him to watch the Teletubbies, too.

13. Try to teach him how to play "Rock, Papers, Scissors, Lizard, Spock."

14. Read the last Series of Unfortunate Events book to him.

15. Send him to Ferris Beuler's Government class.

16. Busy Server

17. Peeling Onions

18. Tickling

19. Unpoppable Bubble Wrap

20. Sudoku Rubik's Cube

Joe sighed. "Trust me, he'll talk."

(no political statements intended)