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Noxryn

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Blog Entries posted by Noxryn

  1. Noxryn

    Summer Plans!

    By Noxryn,

    So, I'll likely be out of the country some time late June/July. Which month I don't know yet, and it'd likely be a max of a week (likely less than that, though -- I also plan to go to Denver Pridefest this year, which is the 15th/16th... so before I'd leave, since I'd leave after the 19th).
     
    I'm thinking to go to Italy, though~
     
     
    But dunno if I'll be able to go to BFair, the college I'm going to has some thing going on in August... I forget if it's early August or late August, though.
  3. Noxryn

    BZPRPG

    By Noxryn,

    WELL maybe i'll play this again ~may have half a profile ready to go and waiting on an answer or two on some questions about technical thingies~
     
    it's 3am im really bored ok
  4. Noxryn

    Title

    By Noxryn,

    It's weird actually becoming busy with life and stuff.
     
    But yeah, I've been a Barista for about... three months now? Almost? Still working on some other side projects, some just for me, some are a collaboration with my housemate who moved in with us.
     
    Kinda getting sucked into things like Destiny and FFXIV, but eh, it's a bit more fun since my friend's been really into Destiny and currently dropped League of Legends in favor of it. But of course she looks up everything, every stat, every build and video and outknowledged me pretty quickly, lol.
     
    But yeah, happy birthday to BZPower and all! It's pretty cool to see the site celebrating its fourteenth year, even though I'm not terribly active in this community anymore, haha.
  5. Noxryn

    hurgling along

    By Noxryn,

    54,000 words written
     
    34,000 are from this year (10k a month, only on 4k for April so far)
     
    probably... August or June for completion date pending
     
    then it's all about the editing
     
    really enjoying writing the transgender lesbian harpy warrior who is now known to make inappropriate jokes for the situation
  6. Noxryn

    Unhealthy Habits, and Halo

    By Noxryn,

    So I bought Halo 4 at midnight, well more precisely, nine minutes after midnight. I just got the normal edition -- Limited was sold out, and I wasn't shelling out 350+ for the console (even if the design is cool, and the harddrive is massive).
     
    I was actually in the line around 8:30ish my time, ran into some friends and we just talked about Halo, he went on about The Walking Dead, boyfriends, and some career related things. Was fun, also ran into some other people I know and just talked about random stuff for the most part. It was my first midnight release thing, and they had some copies of Halo 4 going on a massive screen for some people to play, but otherwise it was mostly this massive line (I was near the beginning of it, as most people showed up around 9 and 10).
     
    So I got my copy (number 91) and then picked up a thing of mountain dew. Why I did this I don't know, but I ended up drinking the whole thing in that week and in conjunction with playing so much Halo... yeah, not healthy (going to the gym tomorrow...).
     
    But I:
     
    - Beat the whole campaign on Legendary solo the first day, found all the terminals too (still need to grab some other achievements).
    - Beat the current Spartan Ops episode on Legendary
    - And got up to SR - 34 (prolly to be 35, or even 40, by the end of Sunday)
     
     
    I'm having fun. :B
  7. Noxryn

    YT Rant

    By Noxryn,

    I have never encountered a single person on any video based format, with a large following, who chooses to do a "report" of sorts on something currently going on, who says anything worth listening to.
     
    To be frank, it's always just an agreement with who they feel the majority of their views/the website will agree with, without proper backing or proper rationale behind it, in order to profit off the back of something going on that actually affects a number of people. Essentially, turning an event that could be traumatic to people, into a for-profit bit for entertainment. While they act as if they have the knowledge, and understanding, to behave as final arbiter on what is going on.
     
    Which ultimately, only continues to perpetuate the same problem that's come up as the speaker attempts to normalize it and say "That's not bad," as if they know anything about it or experienced it first hand.
     
    It's shallow and pathetic.
  9. Noxryn

    hey (again)

    By Noxryn,

    this website is a safe space.
     
    if you can't respect that, please leave.
     
    or, at least, respect that this is a safe space and posting discriminatory content isn't cool and does not fit under the banner of "Safe Space."
     
    i know a thing or two about safe spaces and doing stuff like that gets you banned from them in every other instance of their existence. (i volunteered in a LGBT Youth Center, for one thing, and it was kinda a big deal because those people really needed that space to get away from mean spirited people; it's sort of terrible to go into that safe space for those people to feel safe and welcome and then to tell them they suck, like the rest of the world pretty much already does)
     
    fyi
     
    there's no courage in telling a group of people they're wrong about something very personal and integral to themselves
     
    it's really just mean and you don't really have the right
     
    so don't do it.
  10. Noxryn

    That Pesky Period

    By Noxryn,

    Did an edit to my blog title, decided to be rid of the period that had been placed there purely out of habit. Made the title clash with all the others when in a list, IMO.
     
    Plus, I added a subtitle again. I had Peter Pan on the brain, so that's why it may look like a reference.
  12. Noxryn

    Pharah Online

    By Noxryn,

    Countered (sometimes softly) by a lot of the characters in the game (Widowmaker, Soldier, McCree, Roadhog, Mei, a decent Hanzo, DVA, Zenyatta, Ana)
     
    Yet I still pick her and manage an 88% of the match on fire card, while outdueling their counter picks somehow.
  14. Noxryn

    Then and Now

    By Noxryn,

    So, less than a year ago I looked something more like this:
     

     
    Now I look more like:
     

     
    Course the second pic is of me at work, so it's not like incredibly.
  15. Noxryn

    WELL

    By Noxryn,

    my girlfriend found a spongebob corset costume thing from party city and i said id wear it if she found it
     
    if someone told me ten years ago i'd one day put that on id have laughed at them
     
    yet here we are
  19. Noxryn

    ok one more

    By Noxryn,

    i have discovered the way to increase my enjoyment of the videogame Heroes of the Storm is to pick Kharazim, go full damage, and play the One Punch Man theme in the background
  21. Noxryn

    The Closet

    By Noxryn,

    (This is a rather personal position piece, where I do talk about some very personal events in my life -- I'm speaking from my perspective here, just a note)
    (and no, it's not written with the utmost grammatical scrutiny)
     
    Okay, numerous things prompted me to make this entry. But I do feel like a lot of people haven't entirely grasped what this concept is, why it's a touchy subject and why belittling and undermining it ticks people off.
     
    As a LGBT+ individual, I've had it easy. Very easy. Yes: there are a lot of problems, pressures, anxiety-attacks, bad situations and histories that I have and worries that I have going forward but, compared to a lot of people -- people I've talked with, known and am even friends with -- I've had it light. So I cannot even begin to make this a blanket entry and I shouldn't: I can only accurately explain my position and no one else's and to do otherwise would, potentially, disenfranchise someone else's experiences that may have been a lot worse.
     
    Here goes.
     
    Growing up I've lived in various, various places. From Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, to Texas, to (visiting for months on end) Arkansas, to Colorado and now Wisconsin (and various towns therein). No matter where I lived I always saw homophobia and transphobia. As a very young kid I never understood what it all was; I didn't even know the term "gay" until early Middle School. But I lived in more conservative areas -- conservative suburbs, small religious communities (Orthodox Jewish communities, namely) and in communities with five churches every mile that were all extremely "traditional" in nature. In this environment I, somehow, ended up not really caring what someone's sexual orientation was and, later, what their gender identity is -- well for the latter I care because I most definitely will go out of my way to use preferred pronouns (and I ought be slapped if I don't). But, back in early middle school, I didn't see it as an issue at all but we also didn't have any out and about gay students or trans students. At most people would use inappropriate terms to refer to mundane things (But this does not make it any more appropriate!) such as calling an event "gay" and so on.
     
    It was mid-middle-school (wrap your head around that term) when I started to realize something about myself. Simply, I was not into the girls and was far more into the boys (fictional boys, but whatever).
     
    After a whole year of stuff best dedicated to some other entry (as it doesn't quite fit into this one), I came to identify, to myself, as "Gay." I told no one at first and, basically, lived in the closet. Here's why:
     
    - Where I lived for the last six or eight years (two different locations, mind you) the sentiment towards the LGBT+ community as a whole was overwhelmingly negative. In Colorado, where I last lived, there was a Church that openly advocated Reparative Therapy and Gay-Straight Camps. If you don't know, those two methods are wretched. Beyond wretched. Many of those so-called camps have been shut down and are not legally allowed to be operated in most first world countries: there are some really horrendous stories, scandals, testimonies and victims that come out of those places. Reparative Therapy, in comparison, used to be torturous (electroshock therapy used to be a viable method) and even if it's not so much physically torturous anymore: It instills a sense of guilt, a horrible, horrible sense of guilt into patients. It makes them feel terrible for feeling the way they do. It's a horrible practice that is just a front for emotional abuse and many, many people who have undergone this sort of "treatment" have committed suicide soon thereafter. There's a reason why it's illegal for minors to be admitted to such practices in California, and why the American Psychological Association (among others) do not see it as a viable practice.
     
    In Texas, I lived in an extremely religious neighborhood that was, essentially, a borderline ghetto (it was right next to a ghetto, with all the violence and everything). I was going to the religious school as it was the only school in the area that was relatively safe to be in (might've changed). At this school students were denied admission on grounds of ADHD and disabilities. Some students were expelled for less. The religion I was partaking in, at the time (I'm... basically just utterly non-religious now), held that homosexuality is a sin. They held that rather adamantly, actually.
     
    Had I come out at this school:
     
    - I could potentially have been expelled.
    - I could potentially have been attacked (as other students so often threatened gay people; trans-people not so much although I suspect they just didn't know about trans folk).
    - I could potentially have risked ostracizing my family from the community. (Granted, many adults expressed frightening sentiments towards, specifically, gay people).
    - There was a chance our property could have been vandalized (which, recently, happened in Pennsylvania near a place I actually lived) and with our living situation, that would not have been affordable to fix.
    - I could lose my friends (And did lose some).
    - I was scared of being sent to those aforementioned camps and therapy sessions.
     
    So I stayed silent at age 12, worrying about these types of things and undergoing a lot of stress because of it. At the time, I didn't even know if my mother would have accepted me, I didn't know her stances on anything and she hung out with a lot of the adults I didn't like (sans some). I had read horror stories of kids, who lived in religious communities like this, who were kicked to the curb because they were gay. I didn't want to be homeless, I didn't want to upset my mother, I didn't want to run the risk of being expelled from the school I went to, I didn't want to give people more reasons to pick on me and hurt my feelings. I didn't want to be a problem and so I chose to live in the closet, keeping to myself and lying whenever such subjects came up.
     
    When we moved I felt excited: new school, new people (albeit I have social anxiety issues, so that frightened me), but I hoped it'd be a more accepting community. Especially since it was close to Denver.
     
    Nope. But it was a bit better.
     
     
    Living in Colorado, I made no friends. I didn't want friends; to be honest I was quite scared to have friends. For me and my life, friends have by and large been the people who ended up hurting me the most and I was in this mindset of "get through High School with as little pain as possible." So in my first three years, I never made a friend. Well, good friends -- namely as I was scared what they might do, or say, if they found out I was gay. (I don't condone doing this, by the way).
     
    On top of struggling with Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder (Therapist said both, so) and Depression (which I was put on medication for, that and the Social Anxiety) I was struggling with a lot of stress. Every year I missed a huge chunk of school days. Living in the closet and trying to keep people from getting to know me, in the end, hurt me extremely and all of the problems I was going through were amplified because of that sole fact.
     
    In my Sophomore year... where do I start...
     
    I was on the School Newspaper and did a center piece, with others, on the LGBT+ Community at our school. We had... I believe two openly gay students (one of whom got a lot of behind-the-back talk in ninth grade), and at the time we had one open lesbian student. I just covered the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy as it made the military, as a lot of our students were interested in it, as a viable career option for LGB+ people (sadly not trans/genderqueer folk as DADT only covered sexual orientation).
     
    One student went on a tirade on a social networking site over it. Defaced the pages, insulted the writers and said just hurtful things at every turn. A parent actually emailed the teacher about the page and actually had the audacity to insult the students who put it together. Saying words not appropriate for BZPower.
     
    Another story?
     
    In my AP US History class I sat next to a student who openly advocated the death of gay people. He went on tirades about how gay men are beasts at best with low intelligence levels (Ha. Ha. I helped him with his work.). He would use terms inappropriate for BZPower to refer to gay people and, so many times, I wanted to seriously speak out but could not. I wasn't out at the time, no other students ever spoke out -- I didn't even know if any of them would agree with me, or if they'd all turn on me.
     
    During my Junior year, the great "Gay Marriage Debate" came up in my AP US Government course.
     
    Where the teacher basically discredited such a notion. I had a whole thing I could have gone on but, at first, did not. (I did later, and I felt good afterwards).
     
     
    Now at this school I knew I would not be expelled for coming out. I knew I wouldn't be ostracized from any church because I didn't go to any. I still felt uncomfortable around a lot of students, but I found a safe place amongst the art students (admittedly, very talented ones) who were a mixture of gay/bi/lesbian/straight people who were just not open about it. When I needed help I would talk to some of the art teachers, mainly as they really liked me as a student and offered to help me on days where I was stressed or experiencing breakdowns.
     
    I still stayed in the closet due to previous fears and not wanting to be one of those students people talked about behind my back. (I only actually "came out" after two months in the LGBST Club late Junior year... headed by one of the art teachers I got help from). The posters for this club were defaced, ripped down and nasty things were written on them. Just for some context. (Our school implemented a stricter penalty for defacing these posters, which is what stopped it).
     
    And that's just school life.
     
     
    I had no idea what my family would think. A lot of them are devout Catholics so I was -- still am -- nervous to ever have to mention it to them. I didn't know what my father would think, still don't, and I don't care to find out given some of the things he's said in the past on the subject.
     
    Admittedly, I'm only comfortable "being out" online because no one in real life knows me online. Even though people on this website say incredibly hurtful, harmful things that only perpetuate the mindsets above (Y'know, the one that thinks Reparative Therapy is a good idea). But I don't think any of them really understand the gravity of these situations. I don't think a lot of people understand why it hurts. But here it is from me:
     
     
    I come to BZPower, the internet, to hang out and have a fun time with cool people. I get a lot of dung for it in real life. I get more than I can shovel. And when someone makes a mundane entry on this website and people go in and upset that person, or when someone has the intent to say something hurtful and upsetting just for attention -- Well I am sorry. I have absolutely zero respect for you. It's a horrible thing to do. It's a wretched, disgusting thing to take someone else's problems and belittle them. It's sickening when people take actual, serious, issues and devolve them into nothing.
     
    People DIE because they come out of the closet.
    In some countries, being gay (or trans/genderqueer) is a DEATH SENTENCE. Literally and LEGALLY.
    People are kicked from their HOMES because they come out of the closet.
    People commit SUICIDE because they are forced to be in the closet with a locked door.
     
    This isn't some cutesy little thing you can just arbitrarily apply to anything.
     
     
    This is a serious issue that can, and has, ruined lives.
     
    I know I'm not the most articulate member, and that I likely botched some things up but... I just had to say something on this because it really hits home for me.
  22. Noxryn

    LOOK

    By Noxryn,

    Look what my absolutely incredible, wonderful, beautiful girlfriend sent me
     

     
     
     
    The card was super sweet and everything too and I'm blushing so much and so flattered/flustered and I've never been sent flowers before but omg she's incredible
     
    (love you Serein <3 )
  23. Noxryn
    i havent made an entry since last year whoops
     
    but uh comparatively to last year this year's better (like, moving back to civilization) and i'm going back to college (kinda debatable if a week in one counts as being there in the first place haha) but at this college my old AP credits and stuff actually count so it's not wasted effort and money anymore (like i think i have half of my freshman year's worth of credits done on those alone? which is like i attended the full semester at the college here that i left due to anxiety, feeling unsafe/uncomfortable/isolated and without the resources they said they had, etc...)
     
    it's also downtown in denver which is a lot nicer than the last place (where it was in green bay, but it felt extremely... closed off and isolated from everything) and i'll be commuting from home since i don't do that well in dorms and because the dorms cost like twice the tuition (well more than twice since we get in-state still somehow).
     
    i'm completely uncertain about my major and will probably change it, probably to something in counseling or just English education or something (idk, lately i've been interested in teaching? like i really like and enjoy English, i just shied away from the degree since i kept getting told it's useless and i won't find a job etc... and that caused a lot more anxiety [i mean a lot more, like the "i'm having trouble breathing and need to hide somewhere" level] but it's what i'm really, actually interested in and thinking about it i wouldn't really be against being a high school teacher or something... like, i have social anxiety disorder, but i know i'm able to speak in front of classes most of the time and the biggest hurdle there would just be getting myself to... er, improve? in that respect). but i mean, teachers also get a lot of time off compared to some other jobs i was looking at, and that helps with the other thing i want to do and that's to write a fiction book (i actually have a lot of it planned out and i adore my characters and wrote the first line i'm gonna keep)
     
    and i mean if professors can write books upon books of stuff related to what they teach then surely, in a high school setting, it'd be easier to find the time to do that than if i like... worked in business, or finances, or law or something.
     
    plus like,i could make a meaningful impact on people, i'd hope, and hopefully be a positive and supportive person (since gods know i needed that). like, thinking about it makes me feel happier and like i'd be more fulfilled, rather than thinking about a future in marketing which just makes my stomach turn in knots since i'm not really the most creative person in the world and it feels like there'd be too much pressure behind it.
     
    whoops i rambled a lot there, but idk, never wrote it out before or talked about it so i guess it just sorta wrote itself
     
     
     
    but um yeah, right now a lot of goals are basically just to get all moved back, think of what i want to do with the rest of my life, and probably go back to full fledged therapy for social anxiety (and prolly go back on medication for it since i'm pretty sure it got worse, granted i went a week without any real meals back in college because i was too scared to talk to the cashiers... like i made two apples last 9 days, which wasn't really good on the health side since i feel like part of that contributed to my near breakdown in the art building which just unnerved me for existing).
     
     
     
     
    (oh and as for the whole "Bionicle's coming back" thing i keep hearing about: cool if it does an' all, i just hope the company would take some of the criticisms of the original series to heart and create a much more balanced cast of interesting characters. but idk if it is or what, but yeah, i just tacked this on 'cuz it's the hot buzz of junk)
  24. Noxryn

    SOME LIFE JUNK

    By Noxryn,

    ok so
     
    - i've been out as a trans girl (yeah i started identifying as a girl back in... November/December, since it felt the best) for about two? months now -- not online, but like to real life people. of course some people don't know yet, but that's because i need to find a more delicate way to inform them of everything.
     
    - been on HRT which oh my god, the differences in just two months??? incredible. i feel so much better, so much more confident, so much more comfortable with who i am, god i've been incredibly happy lately and i've been going out (like, for example, i spent all week with a new friend and we went to a night club together -- something i would never have done last month).
     
    - my therapists/counselors keep swapping around, but each one has been lovely and i respect them all a ton. they work(ed) for UCD and the GIC so i'm not going to like Kaiser therapists (because haha who has that kind of money i sure dont), but they've been amazing and i'm making incredible progress. i still have some stuff to work out and work through, but that's how the cookie crumbles.
     
    - my new friend helped me figure out makeup a little better, she also gave me a lot of new resources and videos to use to help learn how to do it better on my own after her initial teaching. (she's also who took me out to the club, but god the boots i wore -- amazingly cute okay, but eight inch heels are murder on feet).
     
    - i've been more... outgoing? not incredibly outgoing, but saying hi, joking with people, actually becoming part of the conversation that's going on, explaining stuff to people (like my necklace, which a lot of people liked).
     
    - heck, i even posted up some selfies i took on the Tarnished Coast WvW website and everyone there were incredibly kind, supportive and posted plenty of compliments that boosted my self esteem
     
    - now i have some more shirts (more like casual shirts) i got from mod cloth, i do need proper flats but the ones i received were slightly too large so i need to return them and get a slightly smaller size.
     
    it's really great, everyone in my life are all "holy wow you're so much happier and outgoing now than you used to be" especially people i knew in high school who get all "... Kit... is... that... you?" (they use my birth name but i'm not posting that ok).
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