Odd Review Topic

[Haecceity]

Link to 0DDThis is the review topic for my COT epic, 0DD. Edited March 21, 2012 by Toa Vahi: toa of time

[Jean Valjean]

Unfortunately, while I appreciate your creativity, this is rather hard to read for entertainment. Seeing as I had a lot of trouble getting past the second chapter, there's are clear improvements that can be made to the beginning to expand on their potential.Introduction:1. Explain the matter of multidimensional shadows in such a way that makes sense. I've contemplated n-dimensional geometry quite a bit and, although you started off strong, you quickly descended into poetic babbling. Even if I wasn't into n-dimensional geometry, I still would have been under the impression. Make sure your point is well thought-out and well explained so that nerds and common folk alike can appreciate the scientific premise. If you can't do that, immediately just skip to the point of there being alternate dimensions. It would flow better.2. Go into more detail about the civilizations. Don't say it's essentially Earth. Rather, say that it's Earth-like. I don't know how important it is to the reader that the planet looks like Earth if it's not even called that. In any case, you could be a bit more subtle.3. You're quickly alternating between species. I think that much of this history could be revealed in-story. Meanwhile, as much as people usually downplay the importance of physical appearance, I think it would be useful to know something distinguishing about each species other than their name. Are the Kinti humanoid or are they starfish aliens? Were the Tigrana humanoid or did they look like Tigers?4. I would have rather focused on who the main characters were while at the same time explaining the setting and why it's important to them. So far I don't know who the main character is and why I should be reading the epic, because even though I see storytelling potential I don't see hints that there will be any actual storytelling.5. On that note, you should give us an idea of what type of narrative we're getting into. From the later two chapters, nothing makes sense, especially Shadowe's speech. If you're intentionally trying to create an Alice-in-Wonderland feel, you should clarify it here.Freezing Flame:1. For one, the chapter is rather short. I'm getting the feeling of an RPG post and you rush Noiro's introduction.2. The opening sentence is too generic and should be revised to give an immediate sense of character. I don't know what would work best for your intentions, but preferably not saying that he opened up his eye (and his other eye, too). Perhaps you thought it looks cool, and I think so too, but you're telling me about it, not showing.3. The way he talks to himself is weird. No one talks to themselves that way. I would rather explanation stay at a minimum while his actions speak his character. Again, show, don't tell. If Noiro's the kind of guy who likes to give speeches, wait until later in the story for him to explain himself. Just don't explain his actions before he commits them.4. Add an extra space between paragraphs.5. At times I was unsure if Cinos was a person. Make that more clear. And furthermore, spend some time characterizing them. I know there's pressure to start of stories with action, but you don't have to do that at the expense of everything else. You can start things off with a clear promise of action and the promise of a good story, because readers are going to want to know why this scene is here. Just start telling the story first, and give the reader time to ease into Noiro's character naturally.6. You're jumping around quite a bit and throwing around technological references. You might think that this is showing, but it's not. Especially not after all the telling you've done so far. Give a nice, general feel for the environment that, like the last point, eases the reader into the setting.7. Why was he smirking near the end? I'm confused about what that implies for the character. What kind of smirk was it?Fates Insurrection:1. What's with the title?2. Saying Digineter is the leader in such a blunt manner is uninteresting.3. Hundrds of species? Couldn't you have clarified this in the introduction?4. Shadowe isn't a bad name, but in the context of this story it sounds a bit off.5. Make clear new paragraphs when alternating between dialogue. I got lost during the conversation between Digineter and Shadowe.6. No need to call people "beings". They may not be human, but they're still people.7. What was this "∞" doing in the middle of a speech? 8. The speech made no sense. It has nothing to do with anything that's going on. It doesn't pull me in. It's just the same old stuff from the beginning, except this time there's even less effort to carry out a logical thought process. I thought that Noiro was launching some sort of attack.9. What was the reaction to the speech? I would imagine that people would "boo" her away. Even though she told them to open their minds, I would imagine that at some point half way through they would have closed them again. The chapter ends on the speech, and I don't know what the purpose of the speech was or what it's effects were. That's what I as the reader want in order to get a coherent story, but I'm not getting that.10. Why would anyone listen to the speech in the first place? She doesn't seem to be the type of person who's fit for speech making and inspirational leadership.11. What's with everyone talking the same? I'm seriously under the impression that you don't know how to write dialogue without sounding like yourself.Sorry, but if I have to be completely honest with you, this series might have to start over from scratch, and I suggest that you write several drafts of a chapter before posting it. If you have any friends, siblings, or parents willing to read your chapters and help you with your ideas, you should have them look over your work before you write your final drafts. Also consider your audience (and this should be more specific than just sci-fi readers), and finally, if you need any help, check out the Writing Advice topic.Your Honor,Tyrannosaurus Kraggh