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Don't You Just Love Moments Like This?

Posted by Velox , Aug 26 2009 · 36 views

Literature
:: ::


Well, today during one of my more boring classes, I started writing. It started out with just gibberish, but then it started evolving in a story, and soon I had blanked out my surroundings completely and I was focused on the story. After about ten minutes, I was done. I'll be posting it soon, but I still need to correct it and touch it up. For now, though, you guys can read it if you want [it's human-BIONICLE, hence the white armor (so an Ice Toa), and "Solus" means "Alone" in Latin]:

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


That's about it . . . As I said, it still needs to be corrected. It's short, yes, but it's still nice to have another short story to add to my collection.

I really want to lengthen it and draw out some parts [specifically where he's holding the body in his arms], but the problem is that I want to leave them both unnamed, and saying "he held him" too much can get confusing -- I've already done it a lot, so I really should have at least one name. Anyone have any suggestions for a name that are kind of human, but yet BIONICLE at the same time? Or even any human name that would fit?

Thanks for reading. ^^



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ChocolateFrogs
Aug 26 2009 08:24 PM
Good little bit you have here. Descriptive. I feel like I'm there.

I don't like 1) the word "man," since this is Bionicle and 2) the first sentence in the last paragraph, since you already said it earlier in the story, and personally I feel like it it unneeded as well as rather a touchy subject (to be ending it with).

It is kind of dry. You have this hero staring at a battlefield and that is pretty much it. I don't feel for the character or share his pain. I realize that it is short, but that might be it's weakness. Yet I don't want to read something three pages long just about a bloody battle and the battlefield. IDK, sorry.

Names...names...well, Solus is direct Latin, you said, so why not "Solis" or something? (But for all I know that's also another Latin word.)

-CF
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QUOTE(ChocolateFrogs @ Aug 26 2009, 06:24 PM)
Good little bit you have here. Descriptive. I feel like I'm there.

I don't like 1) the word "man," since this is Bionicle and 2) the first sentence in the last paragraph, since you already said it earlier in the story, and personally I feel like it it unneeded as well as rather a touchy subject (to be ending it with).

It is kind of dry. You have this hero staring at a battlefield and that is pretty much it. I don't feel for the character or share his pain. I realize that it is short, but that might be it's weakness. Yet I don't want to read something three pages long just about a bloody battle and the battlefield. IDK, sorry.

Names...names...well, Solus is direct Latin, you said, so why not "Solis" or something? (But for all I know that's also another Latin word.)

-CF


Thanks. ^^

Well, it is human-BIONICLE, hence the no mention of a mask or anything [and I'll probably add more in about his face, like tears or something], but yeah. As for the first sentence of the last paragraph, I might remove it [or the one before it]. It just divulges into the character more, and that he almost gives up hope [in fact, I might mention that he brings the sword to his throat, and starts to slowly cut himself (which doesn't do more than a paper cut or so) and stops himself, realizing it's wrong, and he trudges on still, but I don't know yet].

Hmm. I'll have to try to get into his character more, and, like I said, try to make that death scene longer, to further draw out the emotion, so we'll see what happens.

Solis probably is a Latin word [or part of one -- like, there's Solus, Sola, and Solum, for different things], but I kind of like it. Maybe I will use it -- not sure. Thanks for the suggestion, and thanks for commenting. happy.gif

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Cool. I'm not the best with names, but I always thought Keanu made a good bionicle-esque name.


~ e.gif e.gif k.gif o.gif
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Jedi Master J.
Aug 27 2009 12:17 AM
Yeah, I do love moments like that considering it is where most of my better ideas originated from; when I am bored at school.

But enough about that, let's get on with this review now, shall we? For most part, I think you had done a pretty good job with the descriptive details to the point that I feel as if I am one of these wounded soldiers, barely holding on to my life, watching the lone survivor walk away from them upon his friend's death in his arms.

And for some strange reason, I can't help but imagine this lone injured warrior as Surel at end of a long battle during the Core War that cost the Ice Tribe, its hold on the EP spring, by the advancement of the Fire Tribe. I don't know why, but it just seems to fit so well in my mind that this was a scene from the Core War somehow. Then again, it probably because BS01 has got the Core War stuck in my head, so it probably wasn't your intend at all for it to be like that.

Of course, now I just realized you wrote that the figure was a Toa of Ice, so obviously I must be wrong there. Still I think mentioning that it could be look at like that is worth noting as such I am going to keep what wrote in above as something to think over, when you flesh out the story more. Overall though, I think the scene is pretty well written, but it could use a human connection of sorts that makes us feel for character and care more deeply about the tragic that occurred.

I know what I say before about feeling as if I was one of dying soldiers watching this, but I also must admit that felt rather distanced from the survivor of the battle that there was not enough about him to forge bond with or rather a 'human connection' as I like to call it. Just my two cents on the tale.

As for character name ideas for the Toa of Ice and his companion, I lack skill in that department, so you better talking to someone else on that.

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QUOTE(Eeko @ Aug 26 2009, 06:59 PM)
Cool. I'm not the best with names, but I always thought Keanu made a good bionicle-esque name.


~ e.gif e.gif k.gif o.gif


Thanks for the suggestion -- I may try it.


QUOTE(Jedi Master J. @ Aug 26 2009, 10:17 PM)
Yeah, I do love moments like that considering it is where most of my better ideas originated from; when I am bored at school.

But enough about that, let's get on with this review now, shall we? For most part, I think you had done a pretty good job with the descriptive details to the point that I feel as if I am one of these wounded soldiers, barely holding on to my life, watching the lone survivor walk away from them upon his friend's death in his arms.

And for some strange reason, I can't help but imagine this lone injured warrior as Surel at end of a long battle during the Core War that cost the Ice Tribe, its hold on the EP spring, by the advancement of the Fire Tribe. I don't know why, but it just seems to fit so well in my mind that this was a scene from the Core War somehow. Then again, it probably because BS01 has got the Core War stuck in my head, so it probably wasn't your intend at all for it to be like that.

Of course, now I just realized you wrote that the figure was a Toa of Ice, so obviously I must be wrong there. Still I think mentioning that it could be look at like that is worth noting as such I am going to keep what wrote in above as something to think over, when you flesh out the story more. Overall though, I think the scene is pretty well written, but it could use a human connection of sorts that makes us feel for character and care more deeply about the tragic that occurred.

I know what I say before about feeling as if I was one of dying soldiers watching this, but I also must admit that felt rather distanced from the survivor of the battle that there was not enough about him to forge bond with or rather a 'human connection' as I like to call it. Just my two cents on the tale.

As for character name ideas for the Toa of Ice and his companion, I lack skill in that department, so you better talking to someone else on that.



Lol, yeah. It's so easy to just start daydreaming and think up of a story during class. Usually I can't write it down, but depending on the teacher [or what we're doing] then I can -- like this.

Good, good. I hope to bring the reader even more into that feeling, but we'll see how that goes.

I didn't intentionally make it feel like the Core War [I actually imagine the place as Ko-Wahi], but it definitely has a relation, and would fit rather nicely. You're definitely right that it fits, though. If I added the name Surel, and if I took out all the blood [since "blood" can't become canonized], then I probably could enter it into BS01 Contest #3. The only problem is, as I said, that I'd have to take out the blood and stuff, and doing that would lessen the emotion, so I'll just keep it a simple human-BIONICLE short story -- I have other plans for BS01C3.

Yeah, I'm still trying to work things out. As I've said in a different post, I really do hope to add in more when he goes down to his friend, as that is probably the most moving scene. Though, I'd be awesome if I could add more to the end, too, and show more of his struggles along the way, but I really don't know yet -- we'll just have to see how things work out.

Mhm -- I'll try to add more about that, too.

Thanks for the review. happy.gif

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Jedi Master J.
Aug 28 2009 12:44 AM
QUOTE(Toa Velox @ Aug 27 2009, 07:03 PM)
QUOTE(Jedi Master J. @ Aug 26 2009, 10:17 PM)
Yeah, I do love moments like that considering it is where most of my better ideas originated from; when I am bored at school.

But enough about that, let's get on with this review now, shall we? For most part, I think you had done a pretty good job with the descriptive details to the point that I feel as if I am one of these wounded soldiers, barely holding on to my life, watching the lone survivor walk away from them upon his friend's death in his arms.

And for some strange reason, I can't help but imagine this lone injured warrior as Surel at end of a long battle during the Core War that cost the Ice Tribe, its hold on the EP spring, by the advancement of the Fire Tribe. I don't know why, but it just seems to fit so well in my mind that this was a scene from the Core War somehow. Then again, it probably because BS01 has got the Core War stuck in my head, so it probably wasn't your intend at all for it to be like that.

Of course, now I just realized you wrote that the figure was a Toa of Ice, so obviously I must be wrong there. Still I think mentioning that it could be look at like that is worth noting as such I am going to keep what wrote in above as something to think over, when you flesh out the story more. Overall though, I think the scene is pretty well written, but it could use a human connection of sorts that makes us feel for character and care more deeply about the tragic that occurred.

I know what I say before about feeling as if I was one of dying soldiers watching this, but I also must admit that felt rather distanced from the survivor of the battle that there was not enough about him to forge bond with or rather a 'human connection' as I like to call it. Just my two cents on the tale.

As for character name ideas for the Toa of Ice and his companion, I lack skill in that department, so you better talking to someone else on that.



Lol, yeah. It's so easy to just start daydreaming and think up of a story during class. Usually I can't write it down, but depending on the teacher [or what we're doing] then I can -- like this.

Good, good. I hope to bring the reader even more into that feeling, but we'll see how that goes.

I didn't intentionally make it feel like the Core War [I actually imagine the place as Ko-Wahi], but it definitely has a relation, and would fit rather nicely. You're definitely right that it fits, though. If I added the name Surel, and if I took out all the blood [since "blood" can't become canonized], then I probably could enter it into BS01 Contest #3. The only problem is, as I said, that I'd have to take out the blood and stuff, and doing that would lessen the emotion, so I'll just keep it a simple human-BIONICLE short story -- I have other plans for BS01C3.

Yeah, I'm still trying to work things out. As I've said in a different post, I really do hope to add in more when he goes down to his friend, as that is probably the most moving scene. Though, I'd be awesome if I could add more to the end, too, and show more of his struggles along the way, but I really don't know yet -- we'll just have to see how things work out.

Mhm -- I'll try to add more about that, too.

Thanks for the review. happy.gif


Ah, I see. A lot of times, when it happens for me, I am in a Study Hall, so I am able to free write or draw what comes to mind at the time depending on the situation more easily.

And yeah, I see your point there about changing into entry for Core War Contest would probably lessen the emotion and feel of the original tale, so it probably be, for the best, not to change it into one. Plus, I imagine entries about how Surel got his injuries are overly popular, so it would be better to think of something more original to write your entry on for the Core War. Oh, and when you do get around to finishing your entry, I'll see about review that as well.

Anyway, I agree that you might want to lengthen the whole holding his dying friend thing because I remember completely missing that detail when I first read the passage. Had I not read the passage a second time before posting my comment before, I think I would of left out the mentioning of his friend in my comment above with just a statement of unknown Toa of Ice walking away from the tragic scene as I, one of the dying soldiers, watch. So, yeah, lengthen that section of tale would probably be good, if you don't want it overlook as I almost did there. Although it possibly that I may of been distracted, when I read that part that I overlook it.

If that true, I am sorry about that. And seeing as that is a possibility, I thinking I may re-review the tale to point out things that I may of miss during my reading of the tale the first time around. Although if you are alright with my current review of the story, then I guess I don't really have to re-review. *shrugs*

And your welcome, Mister Velox.

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QUOTE
Solis probably is a Latin word [or part of one -- like, there's Solus, Sola, and Solum, for different things], but I kind of like it.
[/color]


'Solis' would be the dative/ablative plural form for the masculine, feminine, and neuter.
-K
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QUOTE(Jedi Master J. @ Aug 27 2009, 10:44 PM)
Ah, I see. A lot of times, when it happens for me, I am in a Study Hall, so I am able to free write or draw what comes to mind at the time depending on the situation more easily.

And yeah, I see your point there about changing into entry for Core War Contest would probably lessen the emotion and feel of the original tale, so it probably be, for the best, not to change it into one. Plus, I imagine entries about how Surel got his injuries are overly popular, so it would be better to think of something more original to write your entry on for the Core War. Oh, and when you do get around to finishing your entry, I'll see about review that as well.

Anyway, I agree that you might want to lengthen the whole holding his dying friend thing because I remember completely missing that detail when I first read the passage. Had I not read the passage a second time before posting my comment before, I think I would of left out the mentioning of his friend in my comment above with just a statement of unknown Toa of Ice walking away from the tragic scene as I, one of the dying soldiers, watch. So, yeah, lengthen that section of tale would probably be good, if you don't want it overlook as I almost did there. Although it possibly that I may of been distracted, when I read that part that I overlook it.

If that true, I am sorry about that. And seeing as that is a possibility, I thinking I may re-review the tale to point out things that I may of miss during my reading of the tale the first time around. Although if you are alright with my current review of the story, then I guess I don't really have to re-review. *shrugs*

And your welcome, Mister Velox.



Yeah, I'll definitely try to lengthen that scene. The reason I didn't originally was that I had no name, so I kept saying he, his, him, etc., and it could get confusing really quick when I'm talking about two people. And, it's up to you if you want to review it again -- I'm completely fine with this one. ^^

QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 05:36 PM)
QUOTE
Solis probably is a Latin word [or part of one -- like, there's Solus, Sola, and Solum, for different things], but I kind of like it.


'Solis' would be the dative/ablative plural form for the masculine, feminine, and neuter.
-K


Yeah, dative is probably the hardest case for me, along with ablative. Though, if you give me a Latin word, I can tell it's ablative, I just can't conjugate words -- not yet, anyway [like if I was given Solus, I couldn't list the sing/pl accusative, ablative, dative, genative, nominate, etc.].


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QUOTE(Toa Velox @ Aug 29 2009, 11:49 AM)
QUOTE(Jedi Master J. @ Aug 27 2009, 10:44 PM)
Ah, I see. A lot of times, when it happens for me, I am in a Study Hall, so I am able to free write or draw what comes to mind at the time depending on the situation more easily.

And yeah, I see your point there about changing into entry for Core War Contest would probably lessen the emotion and feel of the original tale, so it probably be, for the best, not to change it into one. Plus, I imagine entries about how Surel got his injuries are overly popular, so it would be better to think of something more original to write your entry on for the Core War. Oh, and when you do get around to finishing your entry, I'll see about review that as well.

Anyway, I agree that you might want to lengthen the whole holding his dying friend thing because I remember completely missing that detail when I first read the passage. Had I not read the passage a second time before posting my comment before, I think I would of left out the mentioning of his friend in my comment above with just a statement of unknown Toa of Ice walking away from the tragic scene as I, one of the dying soldiers, watch. So, yeah, lengthen that section of tale would probably be good, if you don't want it overlook as I almost did there. Although it possibly that I may of been distracted, when I read that part that I overlook it.

If that true, I am sorry about that. And seeing as that is a possibility, I thinking I may re-review the tale to point out things that I may of miss during my reading of the tale the first time around. Although if you are alright with my current review of the story, then I guess I don't really have to re-review. *shrugs*

And your welcome, Mister Velox.



Yeah, I'll definitely try to lengthen that scene. The reason I didn't originally was that I had no name, so I kept saying he, his, him, etc., and it could get confusing really quick when I'm talking about two people. And, it's up to you if you want to review it again -- I'm completely fine with this one. ^^

QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 05:36 PM)
QUOTE
Solis probably is a Latin word [or part of one -- like, there's Solus, Sola, and Solum, for different things], but I kind of like it.


'Solis' would be the dative/ablative plural form for the masculine, feminine, and neuter.
-K


Yeah, dative is probably the hardest case for me, along with ablative. Though, if you give me a Latin word, I can tell it's ablative, I just can't conjugate words -- not yet, anyway [like if I was given Solus, I couldn't list the sing/pl accusative, ablative, dative, genative, nominate, etc.].





You need to memorize the 'song'. So, for second declension: (for Americans it might be different, but I've learned them: Nom, Voc, Acc, Gen, Dat, Abl.)

-us
-e
-um
-i
-o
-o

-i
-i
-os
-orum
-is
-is

(for normal, -us, ending ones only. Filius has a different vocative; ager and puer are pretty much the same, except for different vocatives and nominatives)
Have you learned 3rd, 4th, and 5th Declension yet? You would know 1st and 2nd by now, right?
-K
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QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 06:41 PM)
You need to memorize the 'song'. So, for second declension: (for Americans it might be different, but I've learned them: Nom, Voc, Acc, Gen, Dat, Abl.)

-us
-e
-um
-i
-o
-o

-i
-i
-os
-orum
-is
-is

(for normal, -us, ending ones only. Filius has a different vocative; ager and puer are pretty much the same, except for different vocatives and nominatives)
Have you learned 3rd, 4th, and 5th Declension yet? You would know 1st and 2nd by now, right?
-K


The book I use has it listed Nom, Gen, Dat, Acc, Abl, and Voc is only used every once-in-a-while.

And, I've learned the 3rd, and a little of the 4th, but not the 5th yet. The problem is that the first half of last year [year 1 of Latin], I didn't really pay attention, so I'm still a little behind.

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QUOTE(Toa Velox @ Aug 29 2009, 01:12 PM)
QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 06:41 PM)
You need to memorize the 'song'. So, for second declension: (for Americans it might be different, but I've learned them: Nom, Voc, Acc, Gen, Dat, Abl.)

-us
-e
-um
-i
-o
-o

-i
-i
-os
-orum
-is
-is

(for normal, -us, ending ones only. Filius has a different vocative; ager and puer are pretty much the same, except for different vocatives and nominatives)
Have you learned 3rd, 4th, and 5th Declension yet? You would know 1st and 2nd by now, right?
-K


The book I use has it listed Nom, Gen, Dat, Acc, Abl, and Voc is only used every once-in-a-while.

And, I've learned the 3rd, and a little of the 4th, but not the 5th yet. The problem is that the first half of last year [year 1 of Latin], I didn't really pay attention, so I'm still a little behind.




5th isn't hard. Should have paid attention, Velox tongue.gif
What about tenses? What have you learned so far?
-K

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QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 07:56 PM)
5th isn't hard. Should have paid attention, Velox tongue.gif
What about tenses? What have you learned so far?
-K


I know, I know. I regret it now.

Let's see . . . present, past, future, perfect, imperfect, and I think that's it. Though, a lot of that was last year [since we've only had 4 days this year so far], so I don't really remember it all.

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QUOTE(Toa Velox @ Aug 29 2009, 02:02 PM)
QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 07:56 PM)
5th isn't hard. Should have paid attention, Velox tongue.gif
What about tenses? What have you learned so far?
-K


I know, I know. I regret it now.

Let's see . . . present, past, future, perfect, imperfect, and I think that's it. Though, a lot of that was last year [since we've only had 4 days this year so far], so I don't really remember it all.



That's good for only one year. As for verbs, you really only need to learn future perfect, pluperfect, and the passive bunch. But then there's a lot of other stuff too...

(Somewhat)Off-Topic: When does the first Writing Contest begin again?
I'll stop bugging you now Velox, I have to got to Taekwondo.
-K
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QUOTE(Kiotu @ Aug 28 2009, 08:09 PM)
That's good for only one year. As for verbs, you really only need to learn future perfect, pluperfect, and the passive bunch. But then there's a lot of other stuff too...

(Somewhat)Off-Topic: When does the first Writing Contest begin again?
I'll stop bugging you now Velox, I have to got to Taekwondo.
-K


Sounds like fun. =P

It will start the day I get the club up -- hopefully tomorrow or Sunday, but no promises. I'm still looking for ideas for a theme, though. I might just make it whatever people want for the first contest, but I'm not sure.

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