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The Legend of the Bionic Lull

Posted by bonesiii , Oct 01 2012 · 995 views

Today the Bones Blog brings you a spoofish attempt to combine punny versions of Bionicle names with their trope functions in-story, summarizing the entire Bionicle storyline in a way that might help you remember Bionicle, might make you laugh, or might make you long for pie jokes. Enjoy! :P

In the Time Before Microwaves, the Giant Sprite Bottle descended from the sky. His name was Matthew Dewey. Inside the Giant Sprite Bottle, many bionic Matthewians lived, working to keep Matthew healthy.

But Matthew had been lulled into a false sense of security, and many other bionic beings inside turned against him.

There were the fearsome “Zee-weapon-eez-ready!” beings, or Zee-ans for short. There were the violent Spikebackies, also sometimes mistakenly called by the name of a splinter group of them, the Pyraspikes. There were the bruteish Stuffedshirtians, one of whom led an army of the spidery Visual-rocks, so named because the brown ones could camouflage themselves as stones. And many areas were conquered by warlords called the Bad-wisecrackers.

But the worst of all were a group of scientists who had many powers, especially Shadiness and Freaky Costumes – the Make-huge-toxic-beasts. They lived up to their name by creating the Raaaaaaring beasts. The worst of all went by the title Make-you-think-you-won. His name was Terrorbats.

He made Matthew sick, and fall asleep as he was flying through space.

Now, long, long ago, in the same galaxy, before the Giant Sprite Bottle had been made, many other bionic people named the Gladiators and the A-gory-sport-watchers lived happily on their green world, Big Ball. They had their own troubles – they had bestial cousins named the Voracious Eaters, and cunningly evil cousins called the Screw-yalls. There were also the Elementary Lord-it-overs.

But their worst trouble came when they discovered an Energy Drink filling inside the Big Ball. They all squabbled over who should control the filling, and totally missed noticing they'd left the cork to the nozzle open, so the Energy Drink leaked out. Thus began the Cork War.

Some secretive, clever scientists used incomprehensible magical science to figure out that the Big Ball would soon break into three big pieces if it kept leaking. Their actual name wasn't known, nor was anything else, so everybody just called them the Grandiose Let-Them-Be. They decided they must do whatever it took to stand up for what was right.

So naturally they made murderous invisible robots called the Batty-terrors (some say Terrorbats was inspired by them).

When that failed miserably, they decided to build the Giant Sprite Bottle instead, and.... send him off to study alien planets for a long, long time. Yeah.

The planet split apart right on schedule, and Matthew Dewey left without doing anything about it.

Most of the Big Ball became the Big Brown Olive, where most of the inhabitants remained. Its water was all lost to one of two other big fragments, the uninhabited Big Blue. And its trees somehow all ended up on the Big Side Salad, which was mostly populated by more Voracious Eaters.

The Grandiose Let-Them-Be were too shamed by their apparent failures to stick around, so they disappeared for the most part, except for three. One was serving out a Life Sentence in prison. Another named And-they're-gone stayed behind. And a third disguised himself as a Matthewian inside the Bottle, named Vell-I-like-ya! It is thought that he was responsible for the Zee-weapon-eez-ready! beings.

Matthew got so lulled into a sense that nothing was wrong by his adventures that he almost forgot he was supposed to put the Big Ball back together again, until one day he happened to look inside himself – no, he didn't pay attention to the actually intelligent bionic beings struggling against evil inside him, but he did notice a pattern in the ground made by the Sharp Moles that reminded him of the Big Brown Olive, Big Blue, and Big Side Salad.

So, he was on his way back, when Terrorbats' sickness hit.

He fell onto the Big Blue.

A camouflage system inside him, that used some of the Energy Drink, leaked out, and created a crust over the bottle that made him appear to be a giant island.

Just moments before this, in a big city inside the Bottle called the Big City (its Matthewians weren't very imaginative), Terrorbats attacked and imprisoned its leader, an elder who went by the title Too-old-to-be-wrong-guy, named Doom-and-gloom. Terrorbats put on a disguise that made him look like the elder, and began ruling the island.

First he sent some of its elemental heroes off to their deaths. These were called the Toe-wahs, because they had a tendency to stub their toes and cry. Earlier one of the Big City's Toe-Wahs had fallen into evil – he was called Knee-deepey because he used to wade in water to try to make the pain in his toes go down. But an evil female Zee-an named Rude-awakener transformed him so he had four legs and stubbed his toes even more.

Another Toe-wah, named Lee Candle, wielded fire, and remained alive in the Big City. He realized something was wrong with the Too-old-to-be-wrong-guy and sought out six Matthewians to become heroes as well. In return, he stopped stubbing his toes so much and became another Too-old-to-be-wrong-guy.

These new City Heroes were:

Vacuumer, a clean-freak forger who wore the Canola Mask, Who's-not-there?, which made him invisible. He also specialized in making more Canola Masks, and had practiced whining a lot so he would make a good Toe-wah. He wielded fire too.

No-comma, a teacher whose mask was the Wow-your-grammar-sux mask, which enabled her to mark up her students' papers for even the slightest infraction, but she preferred blue ink over red so she wouldn't scare kids. She wielded water.

When-you-were-little, a gruff historian who loved mudslinging, and used his Read-at-night mask to learn as many embarrassing facts about his friends' childhoods as he could find time for.

A-new-one, a carver who was even better than When-you-were-little at insulting people, and would always come up with new slights for every occasion. He controlled stone and manipulated people with his Come-now mask.

Math-pow, a clever prankster and vehicle tester who loved to use technical know-how to come up with fast vehicles that often crashed, and also to concoct elaborate hoaxes and pranks that usually involved objects carefully balanced on the edges of half-open doors. He controlled wind, and his mask, the Mirage-key, enabled him to create illusions.

And finally, Nudge-you, a scholar who didn't like to talk, and would rather get your attention by nudging and pointing at whatever he wanted you to notice. He also could move objects telekinetically with the Move-that-for-you mask. He wielded ice.

Terrorbats first sent the evil Morbidstalk plant against the City Heroes, but they defeated it by collecting the six Wonderful Frisbees to slice it to bits. Then he sent out the robotic police of the Big City, the Vacuumies, but Vacuumer knew too much about them and was able to help the Toe-wahs dodge them. He also sent the mutated Knee-deepey and a brute named Creaky against them, both of whom now worked for the Shady Poachers organization, but they were outsmarted.

Sadly, Terrorbats was able to fool the Matthewians long enough to command them to get inside little Psychodelic Cages, which made them forget their past lives. The cages also weakened them into Toe-bunglers, diminutive beings with big toes, so they would stub their toes a lot even without having elemental powers.

Terrorbats had earlier hired Vacuumer to make a powerful Mask of Boredom, the Canola Yawney, which he believed would enable time to seem to flow very slowly for the Toe-bunglers so he could tell them a fake version of history that painted Terrorbats as the good guy. But Vacuumer didn't give Terrorbats the mask – so the villain tried to steal it, but Lee Candle blocked his attack, and was killed, giving the City Heroes a chance to trap him in an Ice Cube.

It was at this time that Matthew fell asleep, and the bottle crashed, causing the Bad Shake. The bottle's lid cracked as the carbonated pop expanded for a while.

The Toe-wah knew it was only a matter of time before the ice melted, so they traveled through one of these cracks to the crusted outer surface of the Giant Sprite Bottle, and named the land there Matthew Dewey Island after their fallen leader. Then they returned to the Big City to bring the Toe-bunglers up to this new land.

But Terrorbats called out mentally to summon an army of the Visual-rock spiders, led by Rude-awakener and by a Stuffshirtian named Sillydoormat. The spiders' bites mutated the Toe-wah into Horrible bestial versions of themselves, but with the help of mysterious but wise Aha-guys and the powerful cyclops Keep-an-eye-on-you, eventually overcame the enemies and brought the Toe-bunglers to the new land. In the process, the Toe-wah became Too-old-to-be-wrong-guys and divided their people into six villages, each elder leading one.

There was the icy Frozen Coca-Cola village, led by Nudge-you.

The jungle village of Leaky-Rooves, led by Math-pow.

The desert fortress of Poke-Aura, led A-new-one.

The underground realm of A-new-kind-o'-Oreo, led by When-you-were-little.

The all-female Gal Corner, led by No-comma.

And finally the volcanic castle village of Talk-or-roast, led by Vacuumer.

Terrorbats used Infectious Canola to control many Raaaaring beasts and send them against the Toe-bunglers, especially the Man-that's-big crabs, the Tail-jabber scorpions, the What-are-ya-called-again? dino-lizard-snake... things... the My-neck-can-reach-ya tigers and oxen, and the Buzzy-drama dragonflies.

For a thousand years they warred against these beasts, until one strange Talk-or-roastian (who was really an Average Matthewian in disguise – that is, the original type of Matthewian who all the others were based on, of the element of light – but had forgotten this) Had An Adventure There And Back Again, and was shunned for it. His name was Take-you-along, because he was fated to bring an overcurious Toe-bungler named Tap-dance-happy along to his near doom.

But on that first adventure, he brought six special stones to a Super-Value shrine, which had many mystical powers. This one summoned six more Toe-wah to the island.

This special hero team was named the Matthew Heroes because it was their job to heal and reawaken the Giant Bottle.

They were:

Talk-huge, the tempermental hero of fire, who wore the How'd-ya-hit-me? mask that shielded him from any harm except surprise attacks.

Golly, the friendly female hero of water, who could breathe water with her Kow-tow-to-fish mask.

Poe-hah-too, the hero of stone who could make a joke even out of Edgar-Allen-Poe type horrific situations. His Car-Comet mask enabled him to zoom zoom.

A-new-wah, the hero of earth who could make enemies find new reasons to cry with his Pack-a-real-punch mask.

Cold-puck, the aloof hero of ice whose I-can-see-through-you mask enabled him to see even the most cunningly hidden enemies and artifacts. He also loved hockey.

And then there was Louie, the airhead hero of air, whose grin-shaped mask, the Me-truefly, enabled him to hover, which when combined with his power over air enabled him to fly.

After these heroes arrived, Take-you-along had other Adventures.

At one point, in Poke-Aura, he encountered a sneaky salesman named Achoo, who sold special “No comment” balls for a popular sport of that town, Goalie. Later he met the ill-fated Tap-dance-happy, took him along, and lost him to the enemy – so he had to rescue him from a hive of Buzzy-drama, as well as Math-pow. He earned some respect from the elders and was assigned the honored job of Secretary, which he found boring, but tried to keep up with writing historical records anyways.

Most importantly, he formed the Secretary's Cooperation, a group of Toe-bunglers that helped the Toe-wah fight Terrorbats's beasts. The Matthew Heroes fought their way past the Raaarings, and even turned into two fused beings of three each, forcing the Raaarings to give them the name Can't-eat-ya. Finally, Terrorbats Made Them Think They Beat Him. They all celebrated, but Terrorbats released a new threat onto the island.

These were the Bugborg, unstoppable but very cute round robots that were tasked with cleaning off the crust from the surface of the Giant Bottle. The robots' secret power was their Brainyucks, living creatures in their heads that could clamp onto a face to mind-control them. They were led by the Bah-Humbug-Hags.

The Toe-wah Matthew defeated the Bugborg by trapping the Hags in another Ice Cube, but they fell into a secret collection of Energy Drink, and were transformed into the Toe-Wah New Forms.

Elite Bugborg Whoyagonnacall? were released, and stole the New Heroes' elemental powers, and made them share their mask powers too. They did this by stealing the heroes' Symbolism. And then they went to a Rubik's cube and started to try to solve it.

But Vacuumer had given Talk-huge the Yawney, and he bored the Whoyagonnacall so that they fell apart before they could solve it. Only their Brainyucks remained, and these were thrown into a deep hole.

Around this time, the Toe-bunglers were rebuilt into as close to the original Matthewian forms as the Too-old-to-be-wrong-guys could manage, and took on the old species name again. Take-you-along took along a fire villager named Jolly, and his pet Us-yall-ride-it crab, Peekaboo, on a quest to follow the Flashlight Beam cast by the Mask of Light, the Canola Average-okeydokey. It was believed they were looking for a Seventh Toe-wah.

By then Terrorbats had healed, and sent out his Rockstars to hunt down Take-you-along with their Electric Guitars.

But this plan backfired when one of the Rockstars killed Jolly, and Take-you-along realized the error of his ways. He decided to change his name to Taking-you-back-home, and transformed into the hero of light.

He defeated the Rockstars, and Terrorbats Made Him Think He Won – and in the process revived Jolly, who finally learned to live up to his own name. Taking-you-back-home helped take everybody back home to the Big City, so the New Heroes could start the process of reawakening the Giant Sprite Bottle.

Meanwhile, the Too-old-to-be-wrong-guys told everybody of their history.

They arrived at the city to learn from Doom-and-gloom that Matthew Dewey wasn't just asleep, he was dying – and they had to go on a big voyage, to an island named Big Voyage (its inhabitants had the same imagination problem), and retrieve the powerful Canola Ignoble-geekdom, the mask of Get A Life. It had the ability to give people rude awakenings, but of a more well-intentioned sort that could shake people out of their indifference... and revive them if they had just died, due to a pun-based glitch in its coding.

So, the New Heroes went there, only to be promptly thwomped to utter defeat by the Pyraspikes, who wanted the Ignoble-geekdom for themselves – though they didn't seem to understand what would happen if they actually got it.

Then Jolly, Taking-you-back-home, and five other Mathewians set out to try to find out what happened. But Taking-you-back-home was turned away by a special barrier, and had to take himself back home.

Jolly's group went through a scary land ruled by the corrupt Cars-and-knees, a repairman who was supposed to fix cars and damaged bionic beings, but did a lousy job of it. They managed to find one car that still worked, and took it to the Big Voyage island.

When they got there, a red star in the sky, imaginatively called the Red Star, blasted them with mysterious lightning, and turned them into the powerful Toe-wah I-need-geekdom, who could use electronics really well.

They were:

Jolly, hero of Fire whose mask was the Cool-luck-skill, enabling him to pull off really cool moves that took a lot of luck and skill.

Hah-hah-hah, female hero of water, who was really good at friendly jokes, but had a nervous breakdown when the Red Star accidentally gave her a moustache and chronic headaches thanks to her Elderly-imitation mask, which was supposed to help her find the mask of Get A Life, but all it did was make her see ghosts.

King-Kong-dude, whose You-tell-us mask let him read minds. He wielded air.

Hulky, the athletic sharpshooter who wore the Sand-knock mask, which let him hit even a particle of sand with a projectile at long range accurately. Wielded stone.

New-pair-o-boots, the earth hero, an inventor who could make new shoes out of anything. He was also famous for making Boxerboot robots, which could be worn like boots to control their feet, and also had punching arms to fight Bugborgs. He tried for a long time to make Spockflight boots, but gladly gave up the many disastrous attempts when as a hero he gained the Canola Glidin', which enabled him to fly.

Most importantly, there was the hero of ice, who was purest at heart and most devoted to doing what was right, even if it would cost him his life – Made-oreos. He could turn snow into the most delicious cookies, making him highly popular. The only person who had a problem with him was Hah-hah-hah, because his mask enabled him to seem to be a ghost, the Canola I-dunno-if-I-saw-a-ghost-or-not.

These Toe-wah tracked down the Ignoble-geekdom, defeating the Pyraspikes and the end of the 7,700,007-stair tunnel underneath the volcanic My-valor mountain. They had help from six Matthewians of the island – one of them being the disguised Grandiose Let-Them-Be, Vell-I-like-ya, as well as the powerful titan Ax-on-steroids. The Pyraspikes were aided by Brutalguy.

But just as they collected the mask, it fled from them, diving beneath the water to a big marine place called Big Marine Place. The Toe-wuh I-need-geekdom chased, becoming the Toe-wuh Marine.

They got six new mask powers:

Jolly got the Get-yer-Arthur-on, which enabled him to resemble a medieval dragon... oh, and had a sonar power too.

Hah-hah-hah got the Facts-on-animals mask, which enabled her to learn to imitate sea creatures and even copy any powers or abilities they had. It also had the wonderful benefits of not having a moustache, giving her headaches, or making her see ghosts. Plus, she got wings just to look cool.

King-Kong-Dude got stuck with a Canola Splat, a mask that could enable random sea monsters to go all king kong on anyone nearby, including himself. He carried two projectile launchers to help defend himself against his own summoned creatures if need be.

Hulky got a Get-real-heavy mask, making him even hulkier.

New-pair-o-boots got a Volt-cloak mask, which projected a forcefield that made him partially invisible, and dampened sound as well.

And finally, poor Made-oreos got stuck with a disturbing If-all-else-fails-try-necromancy, which enabled him to control corpses.

Here the Marine Heroes ran into heavily mutated forms of the Bad-wisecrackers, the ancient warlords who had been cast into a prison but had escaped. After everybody ran around, grabbing the mask and trying in vain to Get A Life, Made-oreos finally captured the mask, and sacrificed his life. Matthew Dewey's life was saved. And in his last action, the hero of ice teleported his friends back to the Big City.

Meanwhile, the New Heroes were busy working on various steps to awakening Matthew. They melted the Ice Cube that had trapped the Bah-Humbug-Hags, allowing the Bugborg to clean the crust off the Giant Sprite Bottle. Then they headed to the giant's most vital organ, the Big Heart.

Here they fought several villains called Make-you-think-we-want-to-stop-yous, and were aided by Average Matthewians, and Ignoble-geekdom, who turned himself into a Toe-wah and then awoke Matthew. The Make-you-think-we-want-to-stop-yous were betrayed by Terrorbats, who allowed a Fizz Eruption to destroy them. But the Toe-wah and their allies escaped with powerful vehicles.

But suddenly, horrible news came – Terrorbats had taken over the Bottle, and exiled Matthew from his own body, in the Mask of Get a Life, sending it to the Big Brown Olive planet!

The good guys fought Terrorbats from within, as Matthew tried to organize the Gladiators and A-gory-sport-watchers to stop the Screw-yalls and take over an Empty Bottle. Several important characters at this time were:

Ackbar – whose favorite expression was, “Itsh a trap!”... oh wait, wrong story...

Greenish – a green Gladiator good guy.

Can-ya-take-me-to-da-alienz? – a blue female.

Malcontent – a red exile who was able to do a Crocodile Dundee mind-control trick on the Voracious Eaters.

Meanstreak – a white gladiator that was willing to cheat.

Certificate-of-death – a historical figure who is now dead.

Terrific-skill – a blue gladiator who is good at fighting.

Tumor-worthy-skill – a giant leader of Skrew-yall, famous for his pitiful one-on-one fight against Matthew Dewey.

Click-here – a beetle that Matthew befriended, and awarded by turning into a lifeless shield that enemy swords would hit over and over again... and then occasionally back into a beetle, but inexplicably the beetle seemed to love him all the more for it.

Run-you – the red leader of the A-gory-sport-watchers, who could honestly say to everybody else that he runs their country. He also led the village of Vulcans-R-us.

Very-fix – blue junk scavenger.

Attack-us-please? – rock tribe helper of the Screw-yall.

Tardy-luck – a green adventurer who tends to find useful things but also tends not to show up for work on time.

So-mad – the only known survivor of the disease-inflicted iron tribe. He's not happy about it.

Met-us-halfway – a traitor who later got turned into a snake by the Mask of Get A Life.

Eventually, Terrorbats came to the Big Brown Olive and fought Matthew, who had taken over the Empty Bottle. An army of villains also came out onto the desert world to attack, including Looks-can-kill Rockstars and a hunchback Spikebackie named Neckgone who also led many other Spikebackies who looked like clones of him for some reason. The Screw-yall also joined the fight, too embarrassed by the easy defeat of Tumor-worthy-skill to do anything else.

Talk-huge escaped the Giant Sprite Bottle and used the Glinty Armor to destroy all the Rockstars. The Spikebackies and Screw-yalls surrendered.

Meanwhile, Matthew started the process of re-forming the Big Ball, and a piece of Big Blue broke off and hit Terrorbats, killing him. The Giant Sprite Bottle broke open, and its inhabitants fled. Then Matthew used the Empty Bottle to finish the process, and the Big Ball was re-formed. Yay, celebrations, and stuff.

Later Vell-I-like-ya started killing people, like the gelatinous Tryin'-not-to-seem-crummy, and Cars-and-knees. Cold-puck and Poe-hah-too traveled to the Red Star and Saw Dead People, including a Matthewian named Maverick, but were almost killed by beings who lived on the star called Can't-send-or-keep-ya. A new, highly mysterious being called Goldiflocks waved a hand and made a castle. Meanwhile, a team of people led by a Toe-wah, Order-in-the-court, went on a mission to the Big Side Salad region to try to find the Grandiose Let-Them-Be, and ran into trouble with the Voracious Eaters.

As for Matthew Dewey, he stayed inside the Mask of Get a Life and left. Some said that he was lulled into a false sense that the bionic beings didn't need his help... others that he had learned not to be lulled into false senses of stuff and was actually going on an important mission. Still others think he was just trying to Get A Life, but the world may never know...

Whatever the future may hold, such has been the Legend of the Bionic Lull.

  • 1

This is a awful awful thing and you should be ashamed of yourself for writing it.

In other words, I loved it.
    • 0
Sprite bottles are awesome and Rockstars are hazardous to your health.

The more you know. :)
    • 0
How do you manage to make these huge posts?

    • 0
My brain hurts. Why must you do this bones?
    • 0
I really can't think of how to reply to this in words, so I'm just going to let Miles Edgeworth relay my facial expression for me:

Posted Image
    • 0
Shiny Chariot
Oct 02 2012 04:53 PM
I have one thing to say about this:
Posted Image
You are the first recipient of the Felix Dzerzhinsky blog approval. Congratulations this means almost nothing :P
    • 0
Kimiko Kusanagi
Oct 03 2012 05:48 AM
I couldn't stop laughing after reading about how they colllected the Wonderful Frisbees... oh, and King-Kong-Dude's Canola Splat. :lol:
    • 0
Selfdestructive Workaholic
Nov 12 2012 06:58 AM
This ... this ... is awesome.
    • 0
Poor Matthew Dewey :(
    • 0

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"Killeth them with kindness. That's what my mother taught me. So I figured, instead of trying to fight Brave Knight Binkmeister's attempt to overthrow me... I would instead give him the one thing he loves most. Bubble Wrap. Not only him, but all of his followers. BZP members once knew me as their common enemy. But now... am I just a kind old man who has free Bubble Wrap?"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Why in the world am I calling him Brave Knight Binkmeister?! That term sounds... nice. It makes him sound like a hero! NO!!! He's my enemy! No, no, henceforth he shalt be known as 'Cowardly Scum Binkmeister'!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Yes, my new minion, you now see the dastardly plans BZP members have--they seek to avoid my floods by getting on in the morning or the late evening, or worse, the nighttime. Sauron might have been a sleepless creature of the night, but personally I can't stand coffee. But not to worry! You, my friend, will go out and enslave the members. You will sit enthroned on their shelves, hung from their walls like a cursed mark, and wrapped around their wrists like handcuffs. Even they shalt know the constraints of time! Behold, the Evil Clock!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What is that you sayeth, Evil Clock? BZPower is now five long years old? So what? I am thousands upon thousands of years old! I am, in fact, as old as the ocean that I command with my floods! I am even older than clocks like you! What's that? Yeah, yeah, but I just don't feel like AARP is for me..."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What do you mean, I'm not speaking in proper Old English? I am Lord Survurlode. If I say this is Old English, it iseth!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What doth mine eyes spyeth? I see-eth a member attempting to posteth! No! I shalt not alloweth it! Rise, ye Floodes! Riseth! ...What? No, I ameth noteth tryingeth hardereth to speaketh Oldeth Englisheth! Ye Silly Clocke!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"No, I am NOT an April Fool's Joke! Just because my power increases tenfold on that day doesn't mean my existence depends on it."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Frodo? Why would I be scared of him? He sailed off to the West--it means he died, yo! Besides, the One Refresh cannot be melted in some volcano. It would take a... No, wait... Sorry, that information is classified. Muahahahaha!"

--Evil Lord Suvurlode

"The term 'Yo' can be Old English! Yeesh!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"See, my problem is that I am far older than Old English. To me it's that newfangled slang those Anglo-Saxon types speak. You'll forgive me if I get it confused with the five million different versions that came out since then. Yes, you will. Or else."

--Evil Lord Survurlode


--Evil Lord Survurlode's
Kopeke Impression

"What do you mean, it's really 'Mount Doomah?!'"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"You are getting veeery sleepy. You need more Bubble Wrap. That's right, little member. Wallow in bubble wrap forever. Say it with me now. 'Must. Have. More.'"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Brave Knight--I mean, Cowardly Sponge Binkmeister has attempted to attacketh me once again! But lo, I am-- What? Sponge? Is that what I said? I meant Scum. Brave Scum Binkmeister-- What now? Oh, be quiet, minion."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"No, I am not a girl!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode,
on his power over water

"Muahahahahahahahaha*cough* *hack* *gurgle* ..... *ahem* Must remember to watch the evil laugh when the floodwaters get that high..."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Oh, that's an easy question. See, Sauron's One Telephone Ring looked like a metal ring, right? Well, the One Refresh looks like a ring made out of those green arrows... like on that refresh button up there. Wait... why am I telling you this?!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode,
in a BZP interview

"No, I do not get rusty! This is Stainless Steel! What? Yes, yes! They had stainless steel thousands of years ago. Yeesh."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

Gallery Of Explosions

Because explosions are the answer.


"While it's all well and good for someone to turn the other cheek in daily life, in times of great hardship another thought comes to mind instead; namely that one cannot turn a blind eye to the actions of evil and still call himself good."

"This is a discussion forum for a reason; it's a place where opinions can be discussed and debated civilly, not where one person can claim their opinion as fact and all others as "just opinions." Every person should, however, support their opinions with facts and evidence of all kinds."

"'The challenge of being a Biological chronicler is understanding why Lego are using another method to sell better. It gets boring using the same ones all the time. Variety is the spice of selling, after all.'
— A Biological chronicler"

"I could convince a thousand people that the moon is made of cheese... and yet it would remain as rocky as ever."

"This is simple, people! If it hurts to hit yourself with a hammer, then don't do it!"

"A famous drummer sits down to do a drum solo, but he has to keep his solo up for five minutes. Does he do all his amazing stuff first? no! If he did that, he would loose all attention because the end would be so boring. If he were smart, he would start out with something simple, and then add to its complexity as he goes along, so that more people would be into it.

The point is, writing either a drum solo, or is like a mountain, the bigger the base, the higher it can get, and the more amazing it is. Think about it, when building a mountain of dirt or sand, you need to slowly create your huge base, then as you build towards the peak things get faster and easier to pile on. The High points are where the story is fast paced and we are reaching the climax--what we just left on the last mountain of story we had (the MU story arch), and now Greg is building a new story mountain for us."

Gallery Of Galaxies

~through the macroscope~


92% of people have moved on from Gregorian chants. If you are part of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy and paste this into your sig.

Least Favorite Edit Of Your Least Favorite Post On Your Most Favorite Day Of The Month?

Secret Info: The Red Star is Tahu's mobile space mansion, complete with servants.

Join the petiton for ban bad grammer toady!

9009 Ways To Say "I Heart Spam"

92% of all teenagers claim they're in the 8% that hasn't moved on to rap.
If you are part of the 0% that still uses real math, copy and paste this into your sig.

What Is Your Alter-Ego's Imaginary Friend's Least Favorite Pet Collar?

Certificates Of Approval

Various award imagery and suchnot:

(Above from Makaru; resized to fit.)

(Resized to fit.)

The above earned twice.

Certificates Of Approval

Part 2

Needs sized down

Needs sized down

/This blog has been approved by \
/-For demonstrating outstanding-\
/~~~~RHYME and REASON~~~~\


Logic is the key.

I am insane. I know that I am insane. In fact, I know that I am so insane, that I am incapable of realizing that I am insane. Therefore, I know that I am not insane.

Forgetting things since.... umm....

Creativity should not be confused with nuclear weapons.

I heart logic.

Only dead things do not change. Much.

Pay attention now. Repeat after me. "Bones. Can. Be. Wrong."

The problem is, "Tradition for tradition's sake" is like flying blind in an airplane. It's like saying as you approach a mountain "But we've always flown in this direction before... why would we change direction? It isn't the tradition!"

Remember that -- clever absurdity, designed to harmonize with certain tastes, is the key to originality.


People are like snowflakes. No two are the same.

Yes, the Toa will win somehow. But let me give you a challenge. Write a story. In which the good guys win, or the bad guys win, doesn't matter. But write it with only introducing the challenges that the winner must overcome, and avoid showing how the winner wins. Just set up the problem, then skip to the end:

"In the end, this character wins, somehow."

Now, do you think this is a successful format for a story, that anybody would really want to read? [...] Readers demand that you as writer have thought through the "how" of the story.

Where is this idea coming from?


[L]et's not mince words here -- all LEGO products are toys. It's a toy company, in the toy business. There's nothing wrong with that.

[A] wise Daoist once said that a name is merely a label. If a person calls me a "nerd", then that is their label for me. If a person calls me a "human", that is a label. If they call me "bonesiii", that is a label. I would simply reply that, if "nerd" is the term they wish to apply to me, like "human", then so be it -- I would thus be proud of that label, because I am proud of who I am.

I'm not telepathic.

I don't know if this is just the way I'm wired, but I don't really think like "hey, wanna be my friend?" I just be myself, treat others with respect and friendliness, and those who would make good friends just sorta show up. And I really don't think like "well, you're not my friend, you are, you aren't" etc. Anybody can be my friend.

*revives topic, only to kill it seconds later*

My two pieces of eight.

Ha ha! Voriki myth still isn't dead? It's been so long since the constant flow of these topics stopped I guess I thought Voriki had finally kicked the bucket. Well, I hate to put another nail in the old guy's coffin, but...

Topic closed.

I Heart Logic


Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of complaint topics in July!

I think Evil Lord Survurlode is out to get me.

Bionicle doesn't revolve around ANY one fan. Not even you.

Bionicle does NOT age with its fans.

If something absolutely has to be done for the greater good, it is by definition NOT evil.

Think, guys, think! You have brains! Use them!

Logic is not some meaningless buzzword you can throw around like pie, at least not as long as I, an actual logician, am here.

Common myth. The answer is: "Yes, if you are an ancient Greek."

Last I checked, most of us aren't ancient Greeks. tongue.gif Some of us are ancient Geeks, but...

Besides, show me a brown rock, and I'll use your logic on you. "That's not a rock, it's hardened lava."

The best symbol of stone would be gray. But it would probably sell almost as bad as brown -- LEGO needed a "flashy" color, more like what Ta, Ga, and Le Toa have.

Do not insult cheese.

Omi's right.


(Four eight fifteen sixteen twenty-three... *ahem*)

Logic! Why don't they teach logic in these schools?

Can you imagine MNOG ending with the Turaga and Matoran executing Ahkmou?

So here's the question: If LEGO working harder by listening to fans is "lazy", then wouldn't they be "lazy" if they listened to you -- a fan?

You don't need to hate to say it.

Four extra letters. "Bionicle sets." How hard is that?

Actually, three extra letters since the s just moves.

If they are "Bionicles", then you are "History".

BZPers are often the exception, not the rule.



Of course it's cruel -- did you think bad guys were Mother Teresa?

It isn't like I hide it, but it also isn't like I go up to random students at college at say "Hey, I like Bionicle, isn't that something?!"

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

I had the same theory in ages past, and Greg personally disproved it.

The thing can destroy time, man. You guard those kinda things.

Brevity is the soul.

Which I suppose is a fancy way of saying, "I have no idea."

I attack my own theories. I'm weird like that.

If only books could be updated like web pages.

Bionicle was supposedly a betrayal of everything LEGO stands for, its pieces far too clunky, a horrible turn away from the more "intelligent" Technic and a total stabbing in the back of the good old brick, an insult to AFOLS, evidence of a mythical trend away from the construction toy, far too violent, etc.

It's really pretty simple:

Gadunka is one of the "coolest" sets ever. Most inventive, most unusual, most striking. Thus, he is horrible.

Of course they're weird. All Bionicle names are supposed to be weird. Show me the Bionicle name that is "normal".

You just completely contradicted yourself. If Mata Nui was working out great, then wouldn't Metru Nui have made less money?

If that's greedy, then you are greedy for driving in a car to get somewhere far away fast, for wearing shoes so you can walk at a reasonable pace without cutting your feet, using silverware to better eat your food, using a telephone to avoid having to make a trip and speak, using a computer to type a forum post when you could walk personally to everybody's house and speak what you just said over and over and over again.... At least 2000 times to account for all the possible active BZP members, and preferably about five million times -- and you'd have to go door to door throughout the whole world to even figure out which people were Bionicle fans anyways before you started confusing monks in Tibet with strange words like "Kongu" and "Cordak". All within your own lifetime, regardless of whatever else you had wanted to do in your life.

And forget speech. You have to scratch out the message with your fingernails in stone. Then maybe you wouldn't be greedy. Maybe.

Nobody would surprise me, so it's probably Makuta. But I went with Hydraxon, because he's a weapons master and it would make sense, no?

Why didn't I think of that earlier?

I don't just ask rhetorical questions -- I answer them.

I knew you'd say that.

You're a body with a head. So what?

A simple conversion is not a business plan to actually get two radically different markets to behave as if they were the same.

Um, hello? Are my posts invisible?

Universe go poof.

We All Live In An


I hate typing Roman numerals above three.

I always find these topics funny -- everybody goes in circles, pointing to the exact same aspect of the set and going "See that? So it's obvious it's horrible! How can you not see that?", and then someone else saying, "See that? It's obvious it's awesome! How can you not see that?"

Obviously, not everybody sees I to I.

They have their uses -- like if you're making a MOC that's supposed to be a light green faceless humanoid.

I hate it when I can't tell if someone's joking.

Yes, that's an excuse to be lazy.

Hold on just a second. I think you have things backwards. Mata Nui was not paradise -- it was a place of horror and war for a thousand years!


I'm a logician. I can tell you that your argument does not merely sound illogical. It is.

Yeah, that'd be bad. Next question?

We'd still have wooden ducks, no plastic bricks, and definately no LEGO if change was prevented. Really, we wouldn't even have that.

It is unfortunate that it's this way (at least for us). But it is. We might as well come to grips with it.

And I walk away in peace.

You have no idea how many times I've read this style of opening to this kind of topic, man. I must admit I am very very tired of it.

*deeeeep breath*

*shakes head madly*

Okay, I'm good.

My memory doesn't go back that far.

If I didn't agree with something, I'd try to find out the reasons for it before doing anything else, which is something I think some people forget to do and instead they dig themselves a hole for no reason.

Lol, I think you missed the point -- BR isn't going to think your forum deserves approval if he has to be told it exists.

I'm a coolomaniac.

But I like spam!

This is not a country. This is a website. Countries are led by governments. Websites are owned by owners. Countries are places you physically exist in, and may have difficulty leaving. Websites are places YOU choose to go. Countries are places you may be born in, or grow up in, etc.

BZPower is a place YOU sign an agreement in order to join. Blame cannot be placed on us when a member violates that agreement. And if a member chooses not to like that agreement anymore, they are free to leave at will. If a member violates the agreement they made with us, we are justified in punishing the member as agreed.

I'm a logician -- I think in terms of what makes sense all the time. I don't just agree -- I know why I agree, and I think my reasons are pretty sound.

If I'm breaking a rule, it's because I gave myself permission to allow myself an exception, thus I am not technically breaking it.

[A]lthough Evil Lord Survurlode does seem to be making a bit of a comeback, just like Sauron, so we might have an epic war that will spawn a novel and three giant books of a trilogy soon... but yeah...

I object to the wording of this question.


I'm A Doctor, Not A Great Being

_bonesquotes #whatever

Ever had one of those moments where you think you just passed into an alternate timeline? This is one. ()_o

Rants are based on pompous egos and desire to pick a fight. Not intelligence.

The Monster on LOST is Makuta.

Cynics are some of the most naive people on the planet. They hear someone claim things are bad, and they accept it without question.

I'm a realist with an imagination.

I blame Survurlode.

You see a flamer, your response should not be to just flame him back -- you lower yourself to his level if you do.

Let's open that can of worms, as unpleasant as it might be. [...] *I'm not afraid of you, worms!*

"Transformation" can be as simple as a bomb rearranging a building into a debris field.

Far better to be proven wrong than to be wrong without knowing it.

I remember when I was a kid, and I was just playing around, I didn't know this stuff, so I said gas prices were five dollars at my play gas station.

My dad laughed, said gas would never be that expensive.

Toa carrying rifles... as they ride their space shuttles into... Klingon territory...

Kazi [ha]s Rahkshi staffs. (Oooh, Kazi=evil??)

Take an election between two candidates. Obviously, both candidates will get votes. However, one will get more votes, and one will get less. You would be, in this example, voting for the one with less votes (Mr. Olderfanson). You see why the fact that you, one person, did vote for that guy, doesn't prove that he won the election? [...] "Mr. Newerfanson" won the election.


In general, I do enjoy debates--but I don't enjoy being flamed, no. Nor do I enjoy wasting time when I have tons of PMs I need to reply to and top secret reference projects to work on and all that responding to things that could have been cleared up with more thought before posting, heh. Debates can still get tedious when it seems (please note "seems"!) that a few people refuse to approach them with an open mind.


I didn't even spell "the" right.

Lol. I never said I'm always right! Yeesh, what do I have to do to convince you guys I don't think that? Purposefully take wrong positions or something?

Guess what? I could draw before I learned to write, but does that mean I should get all huffy and insulted at the fact that not everybody shares my particular talent? This is just absurd, isn't it? Did you honestly think that everybody has the same talents and gains proficiency at the same time?

When someone much older than you was a kid, LEGO was wooden toys. [fogie teeth voice]"These newfangled plastic things are insulting! As if there isn't money to be made in good old fashioned woodblock toys!"[/fogie teeth voice]

Can we sing kumbaya yet? Sing it! Koooooooo----oom---bah-----yaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Or something... Sing it! You don't even have to agree with me! Just sing it anyways, maaan!


Your mistake is that you are thinking in terms of a simplistic "formula" of strength, and thinking that can be used to predict everything. It can't--every situation is different, and sometimes a weak Matoran might catch a glimpse of a passing Rahkshi while a powerful "Toa Ultimaultrasuper" might get blasted to bits when the same Rahkshi actually attacks. You need to be realistic--think in terms of the situation. Stories are based on that--they are a "game of seconds and inches" where dangers both big and small can occur to both powerful and weak people, and how you perform depends on your brains and the time you have to prepare more than your actual power level.

Why did the entirely robotic Bohrok need teeth? Someone explain how that is okay but teeth in Piraka isn't?

Phew. Now, to post, and see if I maxed the text limit out.

Yabo! Hahaha!

_bonesquotes #whatever.2

Thanks X. Thanks D. Thanks X and D. XD

I lazy.

You can make any innovation look bad if you point to the non-innovative ways (the old "normal" ways) and claim they must be followed blindly.

But what I don't get about it is -- why the apparent desire to kill characters off for no reason? In real life you meet tons of people who you will never meet again, and they're not dead. Is that to you a problem? I don't get it -- you'd go insane if you tried to stay in touch with every random old lady that said hi when you were walking the dog...

Yes, my post in this topic is product placement. So sue me.

In addition, high gravity affects spacetime on a fundamental level, slowing time down and bending the spatial brane. Not to be confused with the spacious brain.

It would create a field of electrogravimetry that would pull all nearby matter in and then make it explode. The explosion cloud would take the form of an anchovy.

There's only a slim chance that we exist.

I love taking myself out of context.

I think it's admirable to be careful not to offend people where it makes sense. But at some point, you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and be confident enough that if someone comes at you with an unreasonable accusation, you don't take it.

I think aliens invaded already and have fooled us into thinking they are mere animals who "meow".

Good stories aren't puppet shows. They are tales of life, with realistic characters -- people -- living out their lives, with really minimal "guiding" by the author.

Oh goody, a complainer to blast to oblivion.

To begin with, I disagree strongly with pretending it is "killing off", rather than a serious story being told, with serious themes and life in the story. Characters aren't "killed off". They die.

I find this term somewhat offensive, because it implies the writer kills the character like a TV show host telling a contestant to leave. This is not a game show. It is the events of the storyline that kill the character. That term is merely a psychological shield to avoid the emotion of the moment in the story. IMO, that's a kind of immaturity.


You can't always get what you want "now now now". Your logic makes no sense -- if you want to know what's in the books, that means you support the books' existence. Yet you apparently want spoilers to go up the day it's out, so in the countries where it is bought, people could just read the spoilers and not buy the book, risking its sales going down and the books ending, and thus no more spoilers for you to read!

Truth = Truth. And nothing else.

I had spammed ten thousand times.

A good comedy is a development, like a story, not a punchline. You start with a situation, and it goes in unexpected, funny ways, which leads into other twists, to a conclusion that often can be more serious than funny, avoiding random cliches and developing enough logic that it doesn't feel like you slapped random nonsense down. Comedies Forum has this bad rap of having a lot of Unfunny Stuff -- I think it's the temptation to write short punchlines drawing on typical one-liner cliches that causes this. The 300 word rule is a good basic start to avoiding that problem.

Dude. My voting precint is a "23". ph34r.gif

And what people are saying about randomosity is true -- I hope that it's not surprising that as a logician, I understand how to be funny (though I won't try in this post ). Logic isn't for Spock who refuses to smile -- you actually need logic in your comedy to make it funny. In my experience, a balance of logic and random nonsense helps -- even logic OF the random nonsense.

I highly recommendate it.

Another mistake a lot of people make is thinking a comedy must be 100% funny -- reality is that that tends to just overwhelm the reader and come off more as spam. If you look at my Survurlode interviews, for example, there is always at least one serious theme that the whole work revolves around. The serious aspects support the humorous, and vice versa.

*strongly approves of the use of the term "bionical"*

Well, my observation has always been the opposite -- more established official facts inspires MORE fan imagination -- at least with imaginative official facts. It was really only once the "gappists" starting complaining, in my observation as a 2003+ member here, about "tons of official facts" that I saw the fanfiction community here really explode with creativity.

Think about it -- imagination feuls imagination. Less imagination doesn't -- it starves imagination.

Search My Blog

_bonesquotes #whatever.3

How much wood would a woodwood wood if a woodwood would would wood?

But my point related to that isn't that I literally think it should be FULLY sun-sized. I'm just saying, there's a whole range, from a little larger than Earth, to a LOT larger, to a TONTONZILLION larger, and it's all possible if the story team just feels like it.

*imagines massive asteriod pulling out a pirate's telescope lol*

GD is NOT for storyline-only discussion. That discussion belongs in S&T.

S&T policies are designed for good reasons, tried, tested, and they work.

Sure I'm sure -- it's Bionicle. Anything's possible.

I never understand these claims -- how do you know what "proportionate" is for that character? He's a fictional character, made out of plastic LEGO parts.

So why get annoyed at it? When you look at a giraffe, do you get annoyed? It makes no sense to me to do so.

Besides, you're setting yourself up for it. Nobody ever told you these characters were supposed to be exactly human.

If you look at an ape, would you say it's done wrong, just because it resembles a human?

I plan not to, but I guess if the site shut down I'd kinda have to, wouldn't I?

...they usually give their jokes when they have the upper hand at the moment, though, or when they've just run into a frustrating difficulty that's not immediately dangerous, which are realistic IMO. When they're in immediate danger, I am not aware that they pause to crack jokes.

I strongly disagree -- everybody capitalizes their name. It's cliche.

(I do not capitalize because 1) I hate being cliche, and 2) it is symbolic of humility.)

I knew you'd say that.

Seriously though, obviously the focus groups like silver, guys -- there's no mystery, those of you portraying it as odd that LEGO keeps using the color. This is how personal taste works -- it differs, and you're gonna find yourself in the minority sometimes. Best get used to it -- that's life.

*lets self dp*

I'm not a soldier, but I know that keeping your sense of humor alive even in dangerous or serious situations can be a huge boon to keeping your sanity.

He who forgets how to laugh forgets how to live.

I heart silver. My favorite metallic. If I had my way, gold would be considered lesser than silver.

The red eye thing is the closest thing you have to evidence, but I could argue that Berix is the traitor for spending time away from the villages, or Ackar is the traitor because his name sounds like Admiral Ackbar and there was a traitor in Star Wars called Darth Vader.

Ultimately it comes down to this for me -- YOU choose to dissapointed or miserable.

If you expected the universe to be perfect, that was your choice, and really not very sensible of you.

If I as a writer were to try to appeal to the attitude you express in your post, I would feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. Everytime I had a cool idea how to use a character, or more importantly logic told me the character naturally would be involved in something, I would have to worry about whether I shouldn't do it as it might offend someone.

That's a miserable way to write, and I wouldn't wish that on the story team, myself, or anyone.

But one thing. Everyone expects something when they do something.

Very true. For example, when I posted the above post, I expected somebody to reward me with this point, giving me an excuse to discuss it in a separate post so as to give it better focus.

Therefore, the more "things to expect" from a "donation or whatever the heck you want to call it", the more likely we get mooooolaaaaaaaa. Therefore good.

I don't see what the anology has to do with this. "Chevys" (or "Chevies") makes sense. Like "Keets" or Morby or my personal favorite for Makuta -- Terry Mack. "Biological Chronicles" referring to beings makes no sense. And as I typed this, a Chevy ad came on TV. They called it "Chevy." Seriously, exact same time.

Oh my, you're completely irrelevant metaphor makes you look sooo intelligent.

This is obviously getting out of hand, so I guess I have to close it. Also, you failed to answer my question. When a moderator asks you a question, answer it. Capisce? wink.gif

Please do not attack people like that. That is flaming, or at best trolling, both of which are not allowed.

What does a premier member buy?

1) YOUR right to be on here for free.

2) Their right to be on here.

3) PM perks, like poll-making, blogs, etc.

4) Proto.

No matter how you slice it, sending in that money is NOT just buying proto. Even if proto is all they want, they're still buying YOUR right to be on here for free. Yall should be grateful.


IPB Image