Interview: Lawyerahk Bob, Of The Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing
Evil Lord Survurlode
Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with a Lawyerahk, one of many creatures who serve Evil Lord Survurlode in his Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing. One of our contacts recommended Lawyerahk Bob, and set up a telephone interview appointment with him, after several days due to his busy schedule.
bonesiii: Hello, is this Lawyerahk Bob?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services. If you would like to file a lawsuit, press 1. If you would like to hire Bob as an attorney, press 2. If you would like to listen to MUZAK, press 3. If you would like to pay extra taxes, press 4. If you would like to support one of Bob's entrepenuerial endeavors, press 5. If you would like to stand on your head, press 6. If you would like to have a recording ask "What rhymes with telephone?" and promptly hang up on you, press 7. If you would like to speak to a Gremlin who works for Bob, press 8. If you would like to--
bonesiii: Hm... My contact said this was Bob's number... I guess I need a Gremlin. *presses 8*
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin worker division. If you would like to speak with a tech support Gremlin, press 1. If you would like to speak with a tech sabotage Gremlin, press 2. If you would like to speak with a tech complication Gremlin, press 3. If you would like to speak with an interpersonal guidance counselor Gremlin, press 4. If you--
bonesiii: Oh what the heck, guidance counselor sounds close enough. *presses 4*
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the--
bonesiii: Not again!
AUTOMATED VOICE: --for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin Guidance Counselor Division. If you would like to discuss legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like ideas about what to sue people for, press 2. If you would like advice for monetary awards to demand in a lawsuit, press 3. If you--
bonesiii: This is ridiculous. I just wanna talk to Bob. I have an appointment. Come on, I know Survurlode's phone system routes through Gremlins' brains. I know you can hear me, Gremlins.
AUTOMATED VOICE: --on how to disrupt your marriage and get all the goodies in the divorce, press 8. If you want to discuss a candy addiction--
bonesiii: Come on. Chief Gremlin? I know you're listening. This is bonesiii, savvy?
AUTOMATED VOICE: --poetry on the glory of legal documents, press 11. For--
bonesiii: I have some secret info on you, Chief, that you might not want Survurlode to know. Has to do with a certain habit of yours, and one of Survurlode's wars you're secretly disrupting?
AUTOMATED VOICE: --frustration over phone service glitches, press 13--
bonesiii: Alright, fine, I'll go load up the submarine for a personal visit to Survurlode. I'm sure he'll love to hear this.
AUTOMATED VOICE: To speak with Lawyerahk Bob directly, press 15.
bonesiii: *presses 15, smirking*
Bob: Greetings? Is this bonesiii?
bonesiii: Yep! Man, you've got quite a phone system there, Lawyerahk Bob!
Bob: Why, thank you! It is pleasant to converse with you, bones. Yours truly has actually been one fan of your interviews from their initiality.
bonesiii: Charmed. So, why don't you introduce yourself to our readers? As you know, they have learned about Lawyerahks, but not of you specifically.
Bob: Yours truly is one of the most infamous Lawyerahks among Survurlode's Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing -- abbreviated DRLAW. As your readers undoubtedly are aware, we Lawyerahks are shapeshifters capable of infiltrating any legal justice system and confusing legal linguistics in order to make life harder for BZPers and people across the world. This secondary attack supplements Survurlode's online warfare against the people of BZP-Koro. Here is one photographic image of my default manifestation:
bonesiii: You look pretty intimidating.
Bob: Yes, but while on legal duty, the one speaking appears like any normal human. One could pass me by on the boulevard and be totally ignorant of my true identity.
bonesiii: I notice you're avoiding the words "I", and "a". Why is that?
Bob: Isn't it obvious? We Lawyerahks cherish antibrevity above all. While misiscule-lettered words are unavoidable, the aforementioned examples are uber-anathema to all lovers of Lawyerspeak. We draw the line at two letters.
bonesiii: I see. So, you literally speak nothing but Lawyerspeak? Is that difficult?
Bob: It is perfectly facile for us; however we do speak S.Lang. to friends. Lawyerspeak is our mode of attack.
Bob: Simple Language. You know, like, "Yoyoyo, what is levitating above you, canine?"
bonesiii: Right. You're a natural. *coughs* Okay, next question. How did Lawyerahks come into being? Did Evil Lord Survurlode mutate some Rahkshi? Or what?
Bob: Oh, nothing so simplistic! We were created accidentally by Piraka Thok while he was traveling through the Chamber of Nightmares -- Zaktan had threatened to file suit for his treachery, and the idea of dealing with the legal system terrified Thok much more than the nightmare legend of Irnakk at the time. So in addition to Irnakk, myself and some few others appeared. 13,000 others appeared throughout Biomiddle Earth. The Lawyerahk Headquarters house one symbolic gold wall-statue in honor of this historically significant event.
bonesiii: In 2006? Lawyerahks are only two years old?
Bob: Time in regards to the Terran landmasses runs in different flux from Voya Nui and other Matoran localities.
bonesiii: Right... If you say so. What happened next? I mean, if you came into being inside the Chamber of Nightmares, wouldn't you have had to face your greatest fear too?
Bob: Indeed. Those few Lawyerahks who spawned in that cavernous horror-home speak little of what we faced. It was... One simple tax form. I can't even look at it, so I'll just give you the link, rather than the direct-linked image. Oh, that was horrible! We came out scarred for life, and vowed to wreak havoc in vengeance upon the universe for this travesty. That is the reason myself and my fellow travelers through that terrible experience ended up the most influential Lawyerahks.
bonesiii: I see... *ahem* What is your legal area of expertise?
Bob: Intellectual property. You see, shortly after being spawned, the Lawyerahk otherwise known as me tracked the Piraka, inspected them, and was consternated to ascertain that they had stolen their theme idea from Pirates of the Caribbean!
Bob: This had profound repercussions upon my intellectual outlook, and in order to successfully sue them, yours truly established the Bob Act.
bonesiii: Yes, my contact informed... told me about it. It's a very... rather, extremely strict anti-plagiarism law, correct?
Bob: It totally bars any stealing, borrowing from, alluding to, or being inspired by, any idea, from anyone, copyrighted or in public domain, or anything.
bonesiii: Wow. And... er... what legislative body passed this... exactly?
Bob: The... you know, the Universal Congress?
bonesiii: I've... I mean, I don't mean any offense, but... I've really never... heard of...
Bob: The Universal Congress. It was established by one representative convocation in Terran-Landmasses-Year 1923 as a systematic organization of all universes within Biomiddle Earth, including the Matoran Dome Universe and its territories, all Brotherhood and Dark Hunter posessions, Middle Earth, and the Terran Landmasses. Only some select few locations remain outside its reach, including BZ-Koro.
bonesiii: Ahhhhh. You say... "representative convocation." Who were the representatives and who did they represent?
bonesiii: ... Figures. So what results have you gotten since the Bob Act?
Bob: Well, Yours truly successfully sued the Piraka, although they never obtained the required bounty to recompense me for their criminality, so yours truly requested Evil Lord Survurlode dispatch one liquidation detachment of Gremlins immediately. They are still searching, unfortunately.
bonesiii: Er... allow me to attempt... I mean, try to translate that for my readers. You sent hit men against, basically, your makers, when they failed to bring you the Mask of Life. Right?
Bob: ...Yours truly must... refrain that characterization's dismissal, indirectly.
bonesiii: Refrain the... indirectly... I'll take that as a halfhearted yes.
Bob: After that, Yours truly sued the makers of the Invincibility Robots, for stealing the idea from the Gremlins. Whose idea was stolen by Survurlode from the BoM's Fohrok, that being stolen from the Bohrok, and the mysterious maker of the Bohrok stole the idea from the B.U.G.S. idea from Billund humans... But we allowed for some leeway given the circumstances.
bonesiii: Meaning Survurlode is your boss.
Bob: My boss's boss, yes. All of the DRLAW members answer directly to one Pet Peeve named Platitudapus. Myself answers only indirectly to Evil Lord Survurlode. Indirectly! Gosh, yours truly loves that word!
bonesiii: Moving on? Do you have an image of this "Platitudapus"?
Bob: Wh... Oh. We're not supposed to tell you about him. No, sorry. He's classified.
Bob: Anyway, yours truly won the lawsuit, but all I got was a lousy T-shirt. That is to say, yours truly. After that, yours truly sued LOST for stealing the Monster idea from Makuta.
bonesiii: Okay, no offense, Bob, but the whole "yours truly" thing is driving me nuts. Can't you just say "I" for purposes of this interview?
Bob: That's actually the short version. In court yours truly usually says, "The representative of the prosecution."
bonesiii: How 'bout "me"? It's two letters.
Bob: What, "Me hungry?" You want me to grunt and wear some Fred Flinstone suit or something?
bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, fine. Go on. Did you actually win the case against LOST?
Bob: Indubitably. As recompense, yours truly demanded to know the secret behind the greatest LOST mystery.
bonesiii: Oooh, really? So, you know what the aforementioned... I mean, the Monster, is? Or is it the island itself?
Bob: Paper copy of the legal document Dharma employees had to sign.
Bob: Think about it. They were forced to slave away for meager pay, stuck on an island where you're either in constant turmoil, or if you're at peace, you die. Add to that that they probably had a bunch of psychics or whatnot to tell them the Others would slaughter them all. Such documentaciousness is considered the Holy Grail among my people!
bonesiii: *sigh* I think we get the idea about the Bob Act. Any other professional accomplishments?
Bob: In recent years, yours truly established an Awareness drive to curb movie piracy. Yours truly devised original wallpaint-billboards to promote the drive.
bonesiii: Yeah, that... Um...
Bob: Yours truly has also engaged numerificiousful non-courtroom endeavours in my predigious career. For example, myself recently published an original book. Here is the advertisement:
bonesiii: ... Er... so it's about Lawyerspeak?
Bob: Its entirety is composed of one singular proseity in honor of the word "indirectly."
bonesiii: And... I mean, I hesitate to say this, not being a Lawyerahk or understanding all of the law's complexities... but... isn't that... uh...
Bob: Wonderful? Indeed! Yours truly still reads it to my kids at bedtime. Works like a charm.
bonesiii: I meant, you know... contradictory...
Bob: That any Lawyerahk reads aloud for selfish purposes? Or that yours truly is married? Yours truly would take personal offense if you meant the latter... At this point yours truly would like to request that we move on to my next accomplishment?
bonesiii: Okay, okay! Not what I meant, but yeah.
Bob: My latest ad campaign promotes one new product, taking advantage of the fact that the Le-Wahi trees are now being cleared. Since pretty much nobody wants them, yours truly now manufactures something useful out of them.
bonesiii: Okay, waaaait just a second here. I read Dr. Seuss as a kid, and--
Bob: A superturtle who called himself the "Hoirax" tried to stop us, but the one speaking got the Kal to steal his powers, and we put them into the Thwant too.
Bob: It's been quite successful so far, but yours truly would love to expand the advertisement's circulation. Yours truly noticed you accepted the iHouse as one sponsor the other day -- so thought perhaps you'd be interested in this similar and perfectly legal product?
bonesiii: I... Er... Well, I do need more sponsors... but... you're sure it's legal?
bonesiii: I'll... think about it... But putting that aside for the moment, I've noticed something strange. I can understand why you didn't sue Survurlode or the Brotherhood for the B.U.G.S. thing, since they're both evil. But I can't see why you didn't sue the mysterious makers of the Bohrok. And you said "maker," singular. And you can order the Kal around at will? Are you their maker?! Is this really why the Bohrok are clearing Mata Nui?
Bob: *laughs* You have spent entirely too much time in the Theories board, bones. Lawyerahks weren't spawned till 2006 Bionicle-time, remember? And no time travel in Bionicle -- it's the law. Although just last week I opened one lawsuit against Bitil on that subject... But yours truly doesn't see how your theory is plausible.
bonesiii: But I thought you said Earth-time was flexible, or something?
Bob: Flux. Different flux. Yours truly thought you labeled yourself "Mr. Physics" -- why is this difficult to comprehend?
bonesiii: *sigh* Can we move on? Let's move on. Any other projects you've got?
Bob: Multiplicitously more! More than we have time for. But one more example. Shortly after inventing the Thwant, yours truly realized that the Hoirax was partly right -- it was unfair to everybody who loves trees to just turn them into some product for profit. So yours truly organized the "Nuke Metru Nui" petition.
bonesiii: *reads petition* Dang. *feels attacked*
Bob: Marketing for this is still in the planning stages, unimaginably, however. But yours truly is confident it will come to fruition, and Xia will have yet another open trade route, which we can all agree is beneficial to the economy of this manufacturing gemstone.
bonesiii: Okay, hang on, Mr. Lawyer. I might not share your profession, but I am a logician, and you clearly state that you got this idea at least partially from "udisclosed agents" -- that being the Bohrok. Bohrok commanded by their maker. If their maker ISN'T you, haven't you just been "inspired" by someone else's idea in a major, major way?
Bob: What's major about it? It's just one little petition.
bonesiii: To... NUKE an inhabited city!
Bob: I assure you, it was not inhabitated at the time that representatives from the anonymous donor inspected it, notwithstanding some slight residue percentile.
bonesiii: Meaning the Rahaga and Keetongu!
Bob: And yours truly believes one certain Orca is also under that impression -- surely you wouldn't want me to inform him otherwise?
bonesiii: He lives there! Goblahk lives in a canal in Ga-Metru! Couldn't he at least sue you, under your very own Bob act?
Bob: Yours truly is Goblahk's Lawyer -- consequently he would be granted safe passage to Xia.
bonesiii: He's probably afraid of Xia, with all his phobias. Most sane people are.
Bob: You're just nostalgic for Metru Nui.
bonesiii: I... Look, you're an... interesting person, Bob, and I appreciate that you are a fan of my interviews, so I do not wish to anger you. But my readers will want to know this. How can you break your very own law? I mean, is there a provision in there that amounts to "except for me"?
Bob: No, no, no... *sighs* Alright. Let yours truly show you something Survurlode Industries has developed for us.
Bob: It enables the user to manipulate loopholes in any law, even laws of nature, and then slip through the loophole. Its primary uses are instantaneous travel anywhere, invincibility, and the ability to make delicious health foods, but it also allows the user to have some modicum of leeway when it comes to technicalities of legislation.
bonesiii: Duuuude. Who owns these things?
Bob: Myself, most other Lawyerahks, Evil Lord Survurlode, and several of Survurlode's more important minions.
Bob: Yours truly is afraid it is not for sale, although we have been considering licensing out less effective versions to highpaying clients.
bonesiii: Hrm. Not sure I would be comfortable monetarily supporting... that is, sending you guys money. But you know, if this thing can let you break even the laws of physics, what about the No Time Travel Law? Come to think of it, if you WERE the Bohrok's creator, you would have made the ultimate loophole in your Invincibility Robots lawsuit!
Bob: Yours truly still doesn't see how that theory is plausible.
bonesiii: Enough with the Lawyerspeak! Just gimme a yes or no!
Bob: Perhaps you would like to speak with one guidance counselor Gremlin about your legalangophobia?
bonesiii: No thanks, I--
AUTOMATED VOICE: If you would like to discuss a severe case of legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like to discuss a mildly severe case, press 2. If you would like to discuss a merely mild case, hang up and get over it, loser. If you--
bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, I can take a hint. Well... Gremlins? Tell Bob goodbye for me, I guess...