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Interview: Lawyerahk Bob, Of The Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing

Posted by bonesiii , May 09 2008 · 709 views

Evil Lord Survurlode

Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with a Lawyerahk, one of many creatures who serve Evil Lord Survurlode in his Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing. One of our contacts recommended Lawyerahk Bob, and set up a telephone interview appointment with him, after several days due to his busy schedule.

bonesiii: Hello, is this Lawyerahk Bob?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services. If you would like to file a lawsuit, press 1. If you would like to hire Bob as an attorney, press 2. If you would like to listen to MUZAK, press 3. If you would like to pay extra taxes, press 4. If you would like to support one of Bob's entrepenuerial endeavors, press 5. If you would like to stand on your head, press 6. If you would like to have a recording ask "What rhymes with telephone?" and promptly hang up on you, press 7. If you would like to speak to a Gremlin who works for Bob, press 8. If you would like to--

bonesiii: Hm... My contact said this was Bob's number... I guess I need a Gremlin. *presses 8*

AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin worker division. If you would like to speak with a tech support Gremlin, press 1. If you would like to speak with a tech sabotage Gremlin, press 2. If you would like to speak with a tech complication Gremlin, press 3. If you would like to speak with an interpersonal guidance counselor Gremlin, press 4. If you--

bonesiii: Oh what the heck, guidance counselor sounds close enough. *presses 4*

AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the--

bonesiii: Not again!

AUTOMATED VOICE: --for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin Guidance Counselor Division. If you would like to discuss legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like ideas about what to sue people for, press 2. If you would like advice for monetary awards to demand in a lawsuit, press 3. If you--

bonesiii: This is ridiculous. I just wanna talk to Bob. I have an appointment. Come on, I know Survurlode's phone system routes through Gremlins' brains. I know you can hear me, Gremlins.

AUTOMATED VOICE: --on how to disrupt your marriage and get all the goodies in the divorce, press 8. If you want to discuss a candy addiction--

bonesiii: Come on. Chief Gremlin? I know you're listening. This is bonesiii, savvy?

AUTOMATED VOICE: --poetry on the glory of legal documents, press 11. For--

bonesiii: I have some secret info on you, Chief, that you might not want Survurlode to know. Has to do with a certain habit of yours, and one of Survurlode's wars you're secretly disrupting?

AUTOMATED VOICE: --frustration over phone service glitches, press 13--

bonesiii: Alright, fine, I'll go load up the submarine for a personal visit to Survurlode. I'm sure he'll love to hear this.

AUTOMATED VOICE: To speak with Lawyerahk Bob directly, press 15.

bonesiii: *presses 15, smirking*

Bob: Greetings? Is this bonesiii?

bonesiii: Yep! Man, you've got quite a phone system there, Lawyerahk Bob!

Bob: Why, thank you! It is pleasant to converse with you, bones. Yours truly has actually been one fan of your interviews from their initiality.

bonesiii: Charmed. So, why don't you introduce yourself to our readers? As you know, they have learned about Lawyerahks, but not of you specifically.

Bob: Yours truly is one of the most infamous Lawyerahks among Survurlode's Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing -- abbreviated DRLAW. As your readers undoubtedly are aware, we Lawyerahks are shapeshifters capable of infiltrating any legal justice system and confusing legal linguistics in order to make life harder for BZPers and people across the world. This secondary attack supplements Survurlode's online warfare against the people of BZP-Koro. Here is one photographic image of my default manifestation:

bonesiii: You look pretty intimidating.

Bob: Yes, but while on legal duty, the one speaking appears like any normal human. One could pass me by on the boulevard and be totally ignorant of my true identity.

bonesiii: I notice you're avoiding the words "I", and "a". Why is that?

Bob: Isn't it obvious? We Lawyerahks cherish antibrevity above all. While misiscule-lettered words are unavoidable, the aforementioned examples are uber-anathema to all lovers of Lawyerspeak. We draw the line at two letters.

bonesiii: I see. So, you literally speak nothing but Lawyerspeak? Is that difficult?

Bob: It is perfectly facile for us; however we do speak S.Lang. to friends. Lawyerspeak is our mode of attack.

bonesiii: S.Lang.?

Bob: Simple Language. You know, like, "Yoyoyo, what is levitating above you, canine?"

bonesiii: Right. You're a natural. *coughs* Okay, next question. How did Lawyerahks come into being? Did Evil Lord Survurlode mutate some Rahkshi? Or what?

Bob: Oh, nothing so simplistic! We were created accidentally by Piraka Thok while he was traveling through the Chamber of Nightmares -- Zaktan had threatened to file suit for his treachery, and the idea of dealing with the legal system terrified Thok much more than the nightmare legend of Irnakk at the time. So in addition to Irnakk, myself and some few others appeared. 13,000 others appeared throughout Biomiddle Earth. The Lawyerahk Headquarters house one symbolic gold wall-statue in honor of this historically significant event.

bonesiii: In 2006? Lawyerahks are only two years old?

Bob: Time in regards to the Terran landmasses runs in different flux from Voya Nui and other Matoran localities.

bonesiii: Right... If you say so. What happened next? I mean, if you came into being inside the Chamber of Nightmares, wouldn't you have had to face your greatest fear too?

Bob: Indeed. Those few Lawyerahks who spawned in that cavernous horror-home speak little of what we faced. It was... One simple tax form. I can't even look at it, so I'll just give you the link, rather than the direct-linked image. Oh, that was horrible! We came out scarred for life, and vowed to wreak havoc in vengeance upon the universe for this travesty. That is the reason myself and my fellow travelers through that terrible experience ended up the most influential Lawyerahks.

bonesiii: I see... *ahem* What is your legal area of expertise?

Bob: Intellectual property. You see, shortly after being spawned, the Lawyerahk otherwise known as me tracked the Piraka, inspected them, and was consternated to ascertain that they had stolen their theme idea from Pirates of the Caribbean!

Bob: This had profound repercussions upon my intellectual outlook, and in order to successfully sue them, yours truly established the Bob Act.

bonesiii: Yes, my contact informed... told me about it. It's a very... rather, extremely strict anti-plagiarism law, correct?

Bob: It totally bars any stealing, borrowing from, alluding to, or being inspired by, any idea, from anyone, copyrighted or in public domain, or anything.

bonesiii: Wow. And... er... what legislative body passed this... exactly?

Bob: The... you know, the Universal Congress?

bonesiii: I've... I mean, I don't mean any offense, but... I've really never... heard of...

Bob: The Universal Congress. It was established by one representative convocation in Terran-Landmasses-Year 1923 as a systematic organization of all universes within Biomiddle Earth, including the Matoran Dome Universe and its territories, all Brotherhood and Dark Hunter posessions, Middle Earth, and the Terran Landmasses. Only some select few locations remain outside its reach, including BZ-Koro.

bonesiii: Ahhhhh. You say... "representative convocation." Who were the representatives and who did they represent?

Bob: Lawyerahks.

bonesiii: ... Figures. So what results have you gotten since the Bob Act?

Bob: Well, Yours truly successfully sued the Piraka, although they never obtained the required bounty to recompense me for their criminality, so yours truly requested Evil Lord Survurlode dispatch one liquidation detachment of Gremlins immediately. They are still searching, unfortunately.

bonesiii: Er... allow me to attempt... I mean, try to translate that for my readers. You sent hit men against, basically, your makers, when they failed to bring you the Mask of Life. Right?

Bob: ...Yours truly must... refrain that characterization's dismissal, indirectly.

bonesiii: Refrain the... indirectly... I'll take that as a halfhearted yes.

Bob: After that, Yours truly sued the makers of the Invincibility Robots, for stealing the idea from the Gremlins. Whose idea was stolen by Survurlode from the BoM's Fohrok, that being stolen from the Bohrok, and the mysterious maker of the Bohrok stole the idea from the B.U.G.S. idea from Billund humans... But we allowed for some leeway given the circumstances.

bonesiii: Meaning Survurlode is your boss.

Bob: My boss's boss, yes. All of the DRLAW members answer directly to one Pet Peeve named Platitudapus. Myself answers only indirectly to Evil Lord Survurlode. Indirectly! Gosh, yours truly loves that word!

bonesiii: Moving on? Do you have an image of this "Platitudapus"?

Bob: Wh... Oh. We're not supposed to tell you about him. No, sorry. He's classified.


Bob: Anyway, yours truly won the lawsuit, but all I got was a lousy T-shirt. That is to say, yours truly. After that, yours truly sued LOST for stealing the Monster idea from Makuta.

bonesiii: Okay, no offense, Bob, but the whole "yours truly" thing is driving me nuts. Can't you just say "I" for purposes of this interview?

Bob: That's actually the short version. In court yours truly usually says, "The representative of the prosecution."

bonesiii: How 'bout "me"? It's two letters.

Bob: What, "Me hungry?" You want me to grunt and wear some Fred Flinstone suit or something?

bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, fine. Go on. Did you actually win the case against LOST?

Bob: Indubitably. As recompense, yours truly demanded to know the secret behind the greatest LOST mystery.

bonesiii: Oooh, really? So, you know what the aforementioned... I mean, the Monster, is? Or is it the island itself?

Bob: Paper copy of the legal document Dharma employees had to sign.


Bob: Think about it. They were forced to slave away for meager pay, stuck on an island where you're either in constant turmoil, or if you're at peace, you die. Add to that that they probably had a bunch of psychics or whatnot to tell them the Others would slaughter them all. Such documentaciousness is considered the Holy Grail among my people!

bonesiii: *sigh* I think we get the idea about the Bob Act. Any other professional accomplishments?

Bob: In recent years, yours truly established an Awareness drive to curb movie piracy. Yours truly devised original wallpaint-billboards to promote the drive.

bonesiii: Yeah, that... Um...

Bob: Yours truly has also engaged numerificiousful non-courtroom endeavours in my predigious career. For example, myself recently published an original book. Here is the advertisement:

bonesiii: ... Er... so it's about Lawyerspeak?

Bob: Its entirety is composed of one singular proseity in honor of the word "indirectly."

bonesiii: And... I mean, I hesitate to say this, not being a Lawyerahk or understanding all of the law's complexities... but... isn't that... uh...

Bob: Wonderful? Indeed! Yours truly still reads it to my kids at bedtime. Works like a charm.

bonesiii: I meant, you know... contradictory...

Bob: That any Lawyerahk reads aloud for selfish purposes? Or that yours truly is married? Yours truly would take personal offense if you meant the latter... At this point yours truly would like to request that we move on to my next accomplishment?

bonesiii: Okay, okay! Not what I meant, but yeah.

Bob: My latest ad campaign promotes one new product, taking advantage of the fact that the Le-Wahi trees are now being cleared. Since pretty much nobody wants them, yours truly now manufactures something useful out of them.

bonesiii: Okay, waaaait just a second here. I read Dr. Seuss as a kid, and--

Bob: A superturtle who called himself the "Hoirax" tried to stop us, but the one speaking got the Kal to steal his powers, and we put them into the Thwant too.

bonesiii: But--

Bob: It's been quite successful so far, but yours truly would love to expand the advertisement's circulation. Yours truly noticed you accepted the iHouse as one sponsor the other day -- so thought perhaps you'd be interested in this similar and perfectly legal product?

bonesiii: I... Er... Well, I do need more sponsors... but... you're sure it's legal?

Bob: Incontestably!

bonesiii: I'll... think about it... But putting that aside for the moment, I've noticed something strange. I can understand why you didn't sue Survurlode or the Brotherhood for the B.U.G.S. thing, since they're both evil. But I can't see why you didn't sue the mysterious makers of the Bohrok. And you said "maker," singular. And you can order the Kal around at will? Are you their maker?! Is this really why the Bohrok are clearing Mata Nui?

Bob: *laughs* You have spent entirely too much time in the Theories board, bones. Lawyerahks weren't spawned till 2006 Bionicle-time, remember? And no time travel in Bionicle -- it's the law. Although just last week I opened one lawsuit against Bitil on that subject... But yours truly doesn't see how your theory is plausible.

bonesiii: But I thought you said Earth-time was flexible, or something?

Bob: Flux. Different flux. Yours truly thought you labeled yourself "Mr. Physics" -- why is this difficult to comprehend?

bonesiii: *sigh* Can we move on? Let's move on. Any other projects you've got?

Bob: Multiplicitously more! More than we have time for. But one more example. Shortly after inventing the Thwant, yours truly realized that the Hoirax was partly right -- it was unfair to everybody who loves trees to just turn them into some product for profit. So yours truly organized the "Nuke Metru Nui" petition.

bonesiii: *reads petition* Dang. *feels attacked*

Bob: Marketing for this is still in the planning stages, unimaginably, however. But yours truly is confident it will come to fruition, and Xia will have yet another open trade route, which we can all agree is beneficial to the economy of this manufacturing gemstone.

bonesiii: Okay, hang on, Mr. Lawyer. I might not share your profession, but I am a logician, and you clearly state that you got this idea at least partially from "udisclosed agents" -- that being the Bohrok. Bohrok commanded by their maker. If their maker ISN'T you, haven't you just been "inspired" by someone else's idea in a major, major way?

Bob: What's major about it? It's just one little petition.

bonesiii: To... NUKE an inhabited city!

Bob: I assure you, it was not inhabitated at the time that representatives from the anonymous donor inspected it, notwithstanding some slight residue percentile.

bonesiii: Meaning the Rahaga and Keetongu!

Bob: And yours truly believes one certain Orca is also under that impression -- surely you wouldn't want me to inform him otherwise?

bonesiii: He lives there! Goblahk lives in a canal in Ga-Metru! Couldn't he at least sue you, under your very own Bob act?

Bob: Yours truly is Goblahk's Lawyer -- consequently he would be granted safe passage to Xia.

bonesiii: He's probably afraid of Xia, with all his phobias. Most sane people are.

Bob: You're just nostalgic for Metru Nui.

bonesiii: I... Look, you're an... interesting person, Bob, and I appreciate that you are a fan of my interviews, so I do not wish to anger you. But my readers will want to know this. How can you break your very own law? I mean, is there a provision in there that amounts to "except for me"?

Bob: No, no, no... *sighs* Alright. Let yours truly show you something Survurlode Industries has developed for us.

Bob: It enables the user to manipulate loopholes in any law, even laws of nature, and then slip through the loophole. Its primary uses are instantaneous travel anywhere, invincibility, and the ability to make delicious health foods, but it also allows the user to have some modicum of leeway when it comes to technicalities of legislation.

bonesiii: Duuuude. Who owns these things?

Bob: Myself, most other Lawyerahks, Evil Lord Survurlode, and several of Survurlode's more important minions.

bonesiii: Want.

Bob: Yours truly is afraid it is not for sale, although we have been considering licensing out less effective versions to highpaying clients.

bonesiii: Hrm. Not sure I would be comfortable monetarily supporting... that is, sending you guys money. But you know, if this thing can let you break even the laws of physics, what about the No Time Travel Law? Come to think of it, if you WERE the Bohrok's creator, you would have made the ultimate loophole in your Invincibility Robots lawsuit!

Bob: Yours truly still doesn't see how that theory is plausible.

bonesiii: Enough with the Lawyerspeak! Just gimme a yes or no!

Bob: Perhaps you would like to speak with one guidance counselor Gremlin about your legalangophobia?

bonesiii: No thanks, I--

AUTOMATED VOICE: If you would like to discuss a severe case of legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like to discuss a mildly severe case, press 2. If you would like to discuss a merely mild case, hang up and get over it, loser. If you--

bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, I can take a hint. Well... Gremlins? Tell Bob goodbye for me, I guess...

  • 0

I lol'd an HeadBang. XD
    • 0
Takua the Wanderer
May 07 2008 11:40 PM
Could you post a picture of your phone with at least 18 keys? blink.gif
By the way, I sign the petition. smile.gif

Oh, and the headbang also made me laugh. And the Thwant turning into the Lost Monster. tongue.gif
    • 0

I love you so much Bonesiii. The Monster bit was the best part.

Lost tomorrow =D
    • 0
*facepalm* DUH!

    • 0
The whole thing was quite amusing. tongue.gif

I love the Lorax and Head On parodies. happy.gif
    • 0
I have a stress reliever kit that's very similiar to Head Bang.

Loopholes in the laws of physics, huh.

    • 0
*Signs petition*
    • 0
Trigger=Jack, Thwant and Headbang were the greatest.
KUTGW, man.

    • 0
He said 'a' many times.
    • 0
Here you go, Bob.

    • 0
You just have too much time on your hands, Bones. tongue.gif
    • 0
That... was by far the strangest Survurlode interview yet. unsure.gif

Sheesh, Lawyerraks are creepy. And Headbang and Thwant have launched this series into complete randomness. tongue.gif

Great job. Although, I wonder if this is the last one. I mean, who else is there to interview? A random working Gremlin? Someone you've already interviewed? That kratta overseeing the Lawyerrahks? Wait a minute, that last one's not such a bad idea.... biggrin.gif

    • 0
Invictor Crudelitatis
May 22 2008 06:07 AM
You just proved yourself worth of that blog approval.
LOL'd at the Headbang.
    • 0
Toa Nidhiki05
May 30 2008 07:52 PM
HeadBang looks like a good book! Your interviews are always priceless. Hence, why you just won my approval!

Blog approval may or may not have any monetary value, and cannot be given without the expressed written consent of Toa Nidhiki05. Blog approval approves entire blog, not just one entry. Not valid in the state of Utah.

-Toa Nidhiki05
    • 0
I'm slightly confused, but what the Kharzani, great (comdey, interview, thing, donut?). Is Headbang at Barns (pretend there is a and sign hear) Noble?

-TLhikan has spoken

P.S: Sea turtles are evil!
    • 0
But...but Yami is the reason that the internet is slow...not Serverload or whatever...

    • 0

Welcome To The Bones Blog

You must understand this: that in creation, there is destruction. In destruction, there is rebirth. There is no such thing as void; all things are in flux.

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Important Entries:

Evil Lord Survurlode:
Chief Evil Clock -- Exclusive!
Evil Lord Survurlode
The Chief Gremlin, Minion of Survurlode
Gollaga, Enemy of Survurlode
Orca Goblahk, Ex-Minion Of Survurlode
Lawyerahk Bob, of the Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing

Powerpoint Art Guides:
Vector Art In Powerpoint: Quality, Inexpensive, Easy
Coolifying With Powerpoint Vector Art

Ions of Opine:
Character Death
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Stop the "Everybody Hates" Nonsense
Join Petiton for Ban Bad Grammer Toady!
BZP's "Some-won Dyed!1!1!" Culture

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Focus Groups
Easy Makuta Powers Guide
2008 Is Not The End
Science Fantasy = Bionicle
Good and Evil: Points of View?
Ruthless Elegance: A Visual Guide To Cool
A Magical Forest Called Bionicle
Why Kopeke as Chronicler?

Wall of History:
History of Technicism Vs. Bioniclism
History of Set Gimmicks in Bionicle
History of Violence in Bionicle

Logic is the Key:
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Dissecting Nostalgia
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Am I Against Free Speech?

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BZP Debate Terms Guide

Log of B:
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Pet Peeve Winners & Reward art!
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Beasts MOC winners
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1st Place by Ary

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Use of this image is valid only when posted by bonesiii. High quality content is requisite. The blog entry itself wins the award. If you win multiple times, you are permitted to say so whereever you display the award.

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The following Pet Peeves were identified by BZPower members in a contest for use in an allergenic weapon to be used against Evil Lord Survurlode. These photos taken by me when the Peeves were in captivity. Peeve names link to full bios.

Grand Prize: Flame
By Wysp

Adult form (click thumbnail):

2nd Place: The Misinformed
By Electric Turahk

3rd Place: Ignorance
By Kopaka's Apprentice

4th Place: Corrector
By xccj

5th Place: Double Posters
By EmperorWhenua

6th Place: CAPS Locker
By Toa of Dancing

7th Place: Miwo
By Lluvio

8th Place: Endtag Argh
By Kakaru

9th Place: Blushroom
By Darkspine Neya

10th Place: TB-RPG Overlord
By Nero

11th Place: Polloflower
By The Infection

12th Place: Emoticanus
By Kohena: Great Warrior of Pie

13th Place: Toktomee
By Wyattu

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By Arpy

15th Place: Shortenator
By Axinian the Chronicler

16th Place: Pica'huge
By ~Kativa~

Peeves by me:


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Evil Lord Survurlode Says...

"Brave Knight Binkmeister thought he could banish me with new software. Ha! Lord Survurlode is immortal--I survived because I retained a connection with the One Refresh To Rule Them All. Sauron tried to survive in the telephone system with his One Ring--but that dastardly Frodo tossed it into Mount Dume. Sauron was lost. But the Refresh still exists, oh yes, and as long as it does, I live also, to bring my floods to the BZP forums!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode,
in a BZP interview

"Killeth them with kindness. That's what my mother taught me. So I figured, instead of trying to fight Brave Knight Binkmeister's attempt to overthrow me... I would instead give him the one thing he loves most. Bubble Wrap. Not only him, but all of his followers. BZP members once knew me as their common enemy. But now... am I just a kind old man who has free Bubble Wrap?"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Why in the world am I calling him Brave Knight Binkmeister?! That term sounds... nice. It makes him sound like a hero! NO!!! He's my enemy! No, no, henceforth he shalt be known as 'Cowardly Scum Binkmeister'!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Yes, my new minion, you now see the dastardly plans BZP members have--they seek to avoid my floods by getting on in the morning or the late evening, or worse, the nighttime. Sauron might have been a sleepless creature of the night, but personally I can't stand coffee. But not to worry! You, my friend, will go out and enslave the members. You will sit enthroned on their shelves, hung from their walls like a cursed mark, and wrapped around their wrists like handcuffs. Even they shalt know the constraints of time! Behold, the Evil Clock!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What is that you sayeth, Evil Clock? BZPower is now five long years old? So what? I am thousands upon thousands of years old! I am, in fact, as old as the ocean that I command with my floods! I am even older than clocks like you! What's that? Yeah, yeah, but I just don't feel like AARP is for me..."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What do you mean, I'm not speaking in proper Old English? I am Lord Survurlode. If I say this is Old English, it iseth!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"What doth mine eyes spyeth? I see-eth a member attempting to posteth! No! I shalt not alloweth it! Rise, ye Floodes! Riseth! ...What? No, I ameth noteth tryingeth hardereth to speaketh Oldeth Englisheth! Ye Silly Clocke!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"No, I am NOT an April Fool's Joke! Just because my power increases tenfold on that day doesn't mean my existence depends on it."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Frodo? Why would I be scared of him? He sailed off to the West--it means he died, yo! Besides, the One Refresh cannot be melted in some volcano. It would take a... No, wait... Sorry, that information is classified. Muahahahaha!"

--Evil Lord Suvurlode

"The term 'Yo' can be Old English! Yeesh!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"See, my problem is that I am far older than Old English. To me it's that newfangled slang those Anglo-Saxon types speak. You'll forgive me if I get it confused with the five million different versions that came out since then. Yes, you will. Or else."

--Evil Lord Survurlode


--Evil Lord Survurlode's
Kopeke Impression

"What do you mean, it's really 'Mount Doomah?!'"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"You are getting veeery sleepy. You need more Bubble Wrap. That's right, little member. Wallow in bubble wrap forever. Say it with me now. 'Must. Have. More.'"

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Brave Knight--I mean, Cowardly Sponge Binkmeister has attempted to attacketh me once again! But lo, I am-- What? Sponge? Is that what I said? I meant Scum. Brave Scum Binkmeister-- What now? Oh, be quiet, minion."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"No, I am not a girl!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode,
on his power over water

"Muahahahahahahahaha*cough* *hack* *gurgle* ..... *ahem* Must remember to watch the evil laugh when the floodwaters get that high..."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

"Oh, that's an easy question. See, Sauron's One Telephone Ring looked like a metal ring, right? Well, the One Refresh looks like a ring made out of those green arrows... like on that refresh button up there. Wait... why am I telling you this?!"

--Evil Lord Survurlode,
in a BZP interview

"No, I do not get rusty! This is Stainless Steel! What? Yes, yes! They had stainless steel thousands of years ago. Yeesh."

--Evil Lord Survurlode

Gallery Of Explosions

Because explosions are the answer.


"While it's all well and good for someone to turn the other cheek in daily life, in times of great hardship another thought comes to mind instead; namely that one cannot turn a blind eye to the actions of evil and still call himself good."

"This is a discussion forum for a reason; it's a place where opinions can be discussed and debated civilly, not where one person can claim their opinion as fact and all others as "just opinions." Every person should, however, support their opinions with facts and evidence of all kinds."

"'The challenge of being a Biological chronicler is understanding why Lego are using another method to sell better. It gets boring using the same ones all the time. Variety is the spice of selling, after all.'
— A Biological chronicler"

"I could convince a thousand people that the moon is made of cheese... and yet it would remain as rocky as ever."

"This is simple, people! If it hurts to hit yourself with a hammer, then don't do it!"

"A famous drummer sits down to do a drum solo, but he has to keep his solo up for five minutes. Does he do all his amazing stuff first? no! If he did that, he would loose all attention because the end would be so boring. If he were smart, he would start out with something simple, and then add to its complexity as he goes along, so that more people would be into it.

The point is, writing either a drum solo, or is like a mountain, the bigger the base, the higher it can get, and the more amazing it is. Think about it, when building a mountain of dirt or sand, you need to slowly create your huge base, then as you build towards the peak things get faster and easier to pile on. The High points are where the story is fast paced and we are reaching the climax--what we just left on the last mountain of story we had (the MU story arch), and now Greg is building a new story mountain for us."

Gallery Of Galaxies

~through the macroscope~


92% of people have moved on from Gregorian chants. If you are part of the 8% that still listens to real music, copy and paste this into your sig.

Least Favorite Edit Of Your Least Favorite Post On Your Most Favorite Day Of The Month?

Secret Info: The Red Star is Tahu's mobile space mansion, complete with servants.

Join the petiton for ban bad grammer toady!

9009 Ways To Say "I Heart Spam"

92% of all teenagers claim they're in the 8% that hasn't moved on to rap.
If you are part of the 0% that still uses real math, copy and paste this into your sig.

What Is Your Alter-Ego's Imaginary Friend's Least Favorite Pet Collar?

Certificates Of Approval

Various award imagery and suchnot:

(Above from Makaru; resized to fit.)

(Resized to fit.)

The above earned twice.

Certificates Of Approval

Part 2

Needs sized down

Needs sized down

/This blog has been approved by \
/-For demonstrating outstanding-\
/~~~~RHYME and REASON~~~~\


Logic is the key.

I am insane. I know that I am insane. In fact, I know that I am so insane, that I am incapable of realizing that I am insane. Therefore, I know that I am not insane.

Forgetting things since.... umm....

Creativity should not be confused with nuclear weapons.

I heart logic.

Only dead things do not change. Much.

Pay attention now. Repeat after me. "Bones. Can. Be. Wrong."

The problem is, "Tradition for tradition's sake" is like flying blind in an airplane. It's like saying as you approach a mountain "But we've always flown in this direction before... why would we change direction? It isn't the tradition!"

Remember that -- clever absurdity, designed to harmonize with certain tastes, is the key to originality.


People are like snowflakes. No two are the same.

Yes, the Toa will win somehow. But let me give you a challenge. Write a story. In which the good guys win, or the bad guys win, doesn't matter. But write it with only introducing the challenges that the winner must overcome, and avoid showing how the winner wins. Just set up the problem, then skip to the end:

"In the end, this character wins, somehow."

Now, do you think this is a successful format for a story, that anybody would really want to read? [...] Readers demand that you as writer have thought through the "how" of the story.

Where is this idea coming from?


[L]et's not mince words here -- all LEGO products are toys. It's a toy company, in the toy business. There's nothing wrong with that.

[A] wise Daoist once said that a name is merely a label. If a person calls me a "nerd", then that is their label for me. If a person calls me a "human", that is a label. If they call me "bonesiii", that is a label. I would simply reply that, if "nerd" is the term they wish to apply to me, like "human", then so be it -- I would thus be proud of that label, because I am proud of who I am.

I'm not telepathic.

I don't know if this is just the way I'm wired, but I don't really think like "hey, wanna be my friend?" I just be myself, treat others with respect and friendliness, and those who would make good friends just sorta show up. And I really don't think like "well, you're not my friend, you are, you aren't" etc. Anybody can be my friend.

*revives topic, only to kill it seconds later*

My two pieces of eight.

Ha ha! Voriki myth still isn't dead? It's been so long since the constant flow of these topics stopped I guess I thought Voriki had finally kicked the bucket. Well, I hate to put another nail in the old guy's coffin, but...

Topic closed.

I Heart Logic


Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of complaint topics in July!

I think Evil Lord Survurlode is out to get me.

Bionicle doesn't revolve around ANY one fan. Not even you.

Bionicle does NOT age with its fans.

If something absolutely has to be done for the greater good, it is by definition NOT evil.

Think, guys, think! You have brains! Use them!

Logic is not some meaningless buzzword you can throw around like pie, at least not as long as I, an actual logician, am here.

Common myth. The answer is: "Yes, if you are an ancient Greek."

Last I checked, most of us aren't ancient Greeks. tongue.gif Some of us are ancient Geeks, but...

Besides, show me a brown rock, and I'll use your logic on you. "That's not a rock, it's hardened lava."

The best symbol of stone would be gray. But it would probably sell almost as bad as brown -- LEGO needed a "flashy" color, more like what Ta, Ga, and Le Toa have.

Do not insult cheese.

Omi's right.


(Four eight fifteen sixteen twenty-three... *ahem*)

Logic! Why don't they teach logic in these schools?

Can you imagine MNOG ending with the Turaga and Matoran executing Ahkmou?

So here's the question: If LEGO working harder by listening to fans is "lazy", then wouldn't they be "lazy" if they listened to you -- a fan?

You don't need to hate to say it.

Four extra letters. "Bionicle sets." How hard is that?

Actually, three extra letters since the s just moves.

If they are "Bionicles", then you are "History".

BZPers are often the exception, not the rule.



Of course it's cruel -- did you think bad guys were Mother Teresa?

It isn't like I hide it, but it also isn't like I go up to random students at college at say "Hey, I like Bionicle, isn't that something?!"

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

I had the same theory in ages past, and Greg personally disproved it.

The thing can destroy time, man. You guard those kinda things.

Brevity is the soul.

Which I suppose is a fancy way of saying, "I have no idea."

I attack my own theories. I'm weird like that.

If only books could be updated like web pages.

Bionicle was supposedly a betrayal of everything LEGO stands for, its pieces far too clunky, a horrible turn away from the more "intelligent" Technic and a total stabbing in the back of the good old brick, an insult to AFOLS, evidence of a mythical trend away from the construction toy, far too violent, etc.

It's really pretty simple:

Gadunka is one of the "coolest" sets ever. Most inventive, most unusual, most striking. Thus, he is horrible.

Of course they're weird. All Bionicle names are supposed to be weird. Show me the Bionicle name that is "normal".

You just completely contradicted yourself. If Mata Nui was working out great, then wouldn't Metru Nui have made less money?

If that's greedy, then you are greedy for driving in a car to get somewhere far away fast, for wearing shoes so you can walk at a reasonable pace without cutting your feet, using silverware to better eat your food, using a telephone to avoid having to make a trip and speak, using a computer to type a forum post when you could walk personally to everybody's house and speak what you just said over and over and over again.... At least 2000 times to account for all the possible active BZP members, and preferably about five million times -- and you'd have to go door to door throughout the whole world to even figure out which people were Bionicle fans anyways before you started confusing monks in Tibet with strange words like "Kongu" and "Cordak". All within your own lifetime, regardless of whatever else you had wanted to do in your life.

And forget speech. You have to scratch out the message with your fingernails in stone. Then maybe you wouldn't be greedy. Maybe.

Nobody would surprise me, so it's probably Makuta. But I went with Hydraxon, because he's a weapons master and it would make sense, no?

Why didn't I think of that earlier?

I don't just ask rhetorical questions -- I answer them.

I knew you'd say that.

You're a body with a head. So what?

A simple conversion is not a business plan to actually get two radically different markets to behave as if they were the same.

Um, hello? Are my posts invisible?

Universe go poof.

We All Live In An


I hate typing Roman numerals above three.

I always find these topics funny -- everybody goes in circles, pointing to the exact same aspect of the set and going "See that? So it's obvious it's horrible! How can you not see that?", and then someone else saying, "See that? It's obvious it's awesome! How can you not see that?"

Obviously, not everybody sees I to I.

They have their uses -- like if you're making a MOC that's supposed to be a light green faceless humanoid.

I hate it when I can't tell if someone's joking.

Yes, that's an excuse to be lazy.

Hold on just a second. I think you have things backwards. Mata Nui was not paradise -- it was a place of horror and war for a thousand years!


I'm a logician. I can tell you that your argument does not merely sound illogical. It is.

Yeah, that'd be bad. Next question?

We'd still have wooden ducks, no plastic bricks, and definately no LEGO if change was prevented. Really, we wouldn't even have that.

It is unfortunate that it's this way (at least for us). But it is. We might as well come to grips with it.

And I walk away in peace.

You have no idea how many times I've read this style of opening to this kind of topic, man. I must admit I am very very tired of it.

*deeeeep breath*

*shakes head madly*

Okay, I'm good.

My memory doesn't go back that far.

If I didn't agree with something, I'd try to find out the reasons for it before doing anything else, which is something I think some people forget to do and instead they dig themselves a hole for no reason.

Lol, I think you missed the point -- BR isn't going to think your forum deserves approval if he has to be told it exists.

I'm a coolomaniac.

But I like spam!

This is not a country. This is a website. Countries are led by governments. Websites are owned by owners. Countries are places you physically exist in, and may have difficulty leaving. Websites are places YOU choose to go. Countries are places you may be born in, or grow up in, etc.

BZPower is a place YOU sign an agreement in order to join. Blame cannot be placed on us when a member violates that agreement. And if a member chooses not to like that agreement anymore, they are free to leave at will. If a member violates the agreement they made with us, we are justified in punishing the member as agreed.

I'm a logician -- I think in terms of what makes sense all the time. I don't just agree -- I know why I agree, and I think my reasons are pretty sound.

If I'm breaking a rule, it's because I gave myself permission to allow myself an exception, thus I am not technically breaking it.

[A]lthough Evil Lord Survurlode does seem to be making a bit of a comeback, just like Sauron, so we might have an epic war that will spawn a novel and three giant books of a trilogy soon... but yeah...

I object to the wording of this question.


I'm A Doctor, Not A Great Being

_bonesquotes #whatever

Ever had one of those moments where you think you just passed into an alternate timeline? This is one. ()_o

Rants are based on pompous egos and desire to pick a fight. Not intelligence.

The Monster on LOST is Makuta.

Cynics are some of the most naive people on the planet. They hear someone claim things are bad, and they accept it without question.

I'm a realist with an imagination.

I blame Survurlode.

You see a flamer, your response should not be to just flame him back -- you lower yourself to his level if you do.

Let's open that can of worms, as unpleasant as it might be. [...] *I'm not afraid of you, worms!*

"Transformation" can be as simple as a bomb rearranging a building into a debris field.

Far better to be proven wrong than to be wrong without knowing it.

I remember when I was a kid, and I was just playing around, I didn't know this stuff, so I said gas prices were five dollars at my play gas station.

My dad laughed, said gas would never be that expensive.

Toa carrying rifles... as they ride their space shuttles into... Klingon territory...

Kazi [ha]s Rahkshi staffs. (Oooh, Kazi=evil??)

Take an election between two candidates. Obviously, both candidates will get votes. However, one will get more votes, and one will get less. You would be, in this example, voting for the one with less votes (Mr. Olderfanson). You see why the fact that you, one person, did vote for that guy, doesn't prove that he won the election? [...] "Mr. Newerfanson" won the election.


In general, I do enjoy debates--but I don't enjoy being flamed, no. Nor do I enjoy wasting time when I have tons of PMs I need to reply to and top secret reference projects to work on and all that responding to things that could have been cleared up with more thought before posting, heh. Debates can still get tedious when it seems (please note "seems"!) that a few people refuse to approach them with an open mind.


I didn't even spell "the" right.

Lol. I never said I'm always right! Yeesh, what do I have to do to convince you guys I don't think that? Purposefully take wrong positions or something?

Guess what? I could draw before I learned to write, but does that mean I should get all huffy and insulted at the fact that not everybody shares my particular talent? This is just absurd, isn't it? Did you honestly think that everybody has the same talents and gains proficiency at the same time?

When someone much older than you was a kid, LEGO was wooden toys. [fogie teeth voice]"These newfangled plastic things are insulting! As if there isn't money to be made in good old fashioned woodblock toys!"[/fogie teeth voice]

Can we sing kumbaya yet? Sing it! Koooooooo----oom---bah-----yaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

Or something... Sing it! You don't even have to agree with me! Just sing it anyways, maaan!


Your mistake is that you are thinking in terms of a simplistic "formula" of strength, and thinking that can be used to predict everything. It can't--every situation is different, and sometimes a weak Matoran might catch a glimpse of a passing Rahkshi while a powerful "Toa Ultimaultrasuper" might get blasted to bits when the same Rahkshi actually attacks. You need to be realistic--think in terms of the situation. Stories are based on that--they are a "game of seconds and inches" where dangers both big and small can occur to both powerful and weak people, and how you perform depends on your brains and the time you have to prepare more than your actual power level.

Why did the entirely robotic Bohrok need teeth? Someone explain how that is okay but teeth in Piraka isn't?

Phew. Now, to post, and see if I maxed the text limit out.

Yabo! Hahaha!

_bonesquotes #whatever.2

Thanks X. Thanks D. Thanks X and D. XD

I lazy.

You can make any innovation look bad if you point to the non-innovative ways (the old "normal" ways) and claim they must be followed blindly.

But what I don't get about it is -- why the apparent desire to kill characters off for no reason? In real life you meet tons of people who you will never meet again, and they're not dead. Is that to you a problem? I don't get it -- you'd go insane if you tried to stay in touch with every random old lady that said hi when you were walking the dog...

Yes, my post in this topic is product placement. So sue me.

In addition, high gravity affects spacetime on a fundamental level, slowing time down and bending the spatial brane. Not to be confused with the spacious brain.

It would create a field of electrogravimetry that would pull all nearby matter in and then make it explode. The explosion cloud would take the form of an anchovy.

There's only a slim chance that we exist.

I love taking myself out of context.

I think it's admirable to be careful not to offend people where it makes sense. But at some point, you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and be confident enough that if someone comes at you with an unreasonable accusation, you don't take it.

I think aliens invaded already and have fooled us into thinking they are mere animals who "meow".

Good stories aren't puppet shows. They are tales of life, with realistic characters -- people -- living out their lives, with really minimal "guiding" by the author.

Oh goody, a complainer to blast to oblivion.

To begin with, I disagree strongly with pretending it is "killing off", rather than a serious story being told, with serious themes and life in the story. Characters aren't "killed off". They die.

I find this term somewhat offensive, because it implies the writer kills the character like a TV show host telling a contestant to leave. This is not a game show. It is the events of the storyline that kill the character. That term is merely a psychological shield to avoid the emotion of the moment in the story. IMO, that's a kind of immaturity.


You can't always get what you want "now now now". Your logic makes no sense -- if you want to know what's in the books, that means you support the books' existence. Yet you apparently want spoilers to go up the day it's out, so in the countries where it is bought, people could just read the spoilers and not buy the book, risking its sales going down and the books ending, and thus no more spoilers for you to read!

Truth = Truth. And nothing else.

I had spammed ten thousand times.

A good comedy is a development, like a story, not a punchline. You start with a situation, and it goes in unexpected, funny ways, which leads into other twists, to a conclusion that often can be more serious than funny, avoiding random cliches and developing enough logic that it doesn't feel like you slapped random nonsense down. Comedies Forum has this bad rap of having a lot of Unfunny Stuff -- I think it's the temptation to write short punchlines drawing on typical one-liner cliches that causes this. The 300 word rule is a good basic start to avoiding that problem.

Dude. My voting precint is a "23". ph34r.gif

And what people are saying about randomosity is true -- I hope that it's not surprising that as a logician, I understand how to be funny (though I won't try in this post ). Logic isn't for Spock who refuses to smile -- you actually need logic in your comedy to make it funny. In my experience, a balance of logic and random nonsense helps -- even logic OF the random nonsense.

I highly recommendate it.

Another mistake a lot of people make is thinking a comedy must be 100% funny -- reality is that that tends to just overwhelm the reader and come off more as spam. If you look at my Survurlode interviews, for example, there is always at least one serious theme that the whole work revolves around. The serious aspects support the humorous, and vice versa.

*strongly approves of the use of the term "bionical"*

Well, my observation has always been the opposite -- more established official facts inspires MORE fan imagination -- at least with imaginative official facts. It was really only once the "gappists" starting complaining, in my observation as a 2003+ member here, about "tons of official facts" that I saw the fanfiction community here really explode with creativity.

Think about it -- imagination feuls imagination. Less imagination doesn't -- it starves imagination.

Search My Blog

_bonesquotes #whatever.3

How much wood would a woodwood wood if a woodwood would would wood?

But my point related to that isn't that I literally think it should be FULLY sun-sized. I'm just saying, there's a whole range, from a little larger than Earth, to a LOT larger, to a TONTONZILLION larger, and it's all possible if the story team just feels like it.

*imagines massive asteriod pulling out a pirate's telescope lol*

GD is NOT for storyline-only discussion. That discussion belongs in S&T.

S&T policies are designed for good reasons, tried, tested, and they work.

Sure I'm sure -- it's Bionicle. Anything's possible.

I never understand these claims -- how do you know what "proportionate" is for that character? He's a fictional character, made out of plastic LEGO parts.

So why get annoyed at it? When you look at a giraffe, do you get annoyed? It makes no sense to me to do so.

Besides, you're setting yourself up for it. Nobody ever told you these characters were supposed to be exactly human.

If you look at an ape, would you say it's done wrong, just because it resembles a human?

I plan not to, but I guess if the site shut down I'd kinda have to, wouldn't I?

...they usually give their jokes when they have the upper hand at the moment, though, or when they've just run into a frustrating difficulty that's not immediately dangerous, which are realistic IMO. When they're in immediate danger, I am not aware that they pause to crack jokes.

I strongly disagree -- everybody capitalizes their name. It's cliche.

(I do not capitalize because 1) I hate being cliche, and 2) it is symbolic of humility.)

I knew you'd say that.

Seriously though, obviously the focus groups like silver, guys -- there's no mystery, those of you portraying it as odd that LEGO keeps using the color. This is how personal taste works -- it differs, and you're gonna find yourself in the minority sometimes. Best get used to it -- that's life.

*lets self dp*

I'm not a soldier, but I know that keeping your sense of humor alive even in dangerous or serious situations can be a huge boon to keeping your sanity.

He who forgets how to laugh forgets how to live.

I heart silver. My favorite metallic. If I had my way, gold would be considered lesser than silver.

The red eye thing is the closest thing you have to evidence, but I could argue that Berix is the traitor for spending time away from the villages, or Ackar is the traitor because his name sounds like Admiral Ackbar and there was a traitor in Star Wars called Darth Vader.

Ultimately it comes down to this for me -- YOU choose to dissapointed or miserable.

If you expected the universe to be perfect, that was your choice, and really not very sensible of you.

If I as a writer were to try to appeal to the attitude you express in your post, I would feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. Everytime I had a cool idea how to use a character, or more importantly logic told me the character naturally would be involved in something, I would have to worry about whether I shouldn't do it as it might offend someone.

That's a miserable way to write, and I wouldn't wish that on the story team, myself, or anyone.

But one thing. Everyone expects something when they do something.

Very true. For example, when I posted the above post, I expected somebody to reward me with this point, giving me an excuse to discuss it in a separate post so as to give it better focus.

Therefore, the more "things to expect" from a "donation or whatever the heck you want to call it", the more likely we get mooooolaaaaaaaa. Therefore good.

I don't see what the anology has to do with this. "Chevys" (or "Chevies") makes sense. Like "Keets" or Morby or my personal favorite for Makuta -- Terry Mack. "Biological Chronicles" referring to beings makes no sense. And as I typed this, a Chevy ad came on TV. They called it "Chevy." Seriously, exact same time.

Oh my, you're completely irrelevant metaphor makes you look sooo intelligent.

This is obviously getting out of hand, so I guess I have to close it. Also, you failed to answer my question. When a moderator asks you a question, answer it. Capisce? wink.gif

Please do not attack people like that. That is flaming, or at best trolling, both of which are not allowed.

What does a premier member buy?

1) YOUR right to be on here for free.

2) Their right to be on here.

3) PM perks, like poll-making, blogs, etc.

4) Proto.

No matter how you slice it, sending in that money is NOT just buying proto. Even if proto is all they want, they're still buying YOUR right to be on here for free. Yall should be grateful.


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