NOTICE: The thoughts expressed and characters in this document are fictitious and should not be taken seriously!

Hi, I'm Protohuman. You may recognise me from other cooking places, such as 'Arthur Fiddlesworth's British Wine' or the more popular 'Harvey Wallbanger's Favorite Cheese'. Today I'm giving you (the audience) a lesson on creating the ultimate feast, with the help of the cult-followed Nero Spaggiloga. This fine powder is an old sentimental recipe from this lovely family I encountered in Italy.

Yes, the Cappellettis were a fine bunch; The husband and father was a short, middle aged man. Old Benito was a wonderfully great family man, and nice enough to let me in on his families recipies. The wife and mother was a delightful woman, and great in the kitchen. She lived for the people around her, and never thought of herself; a fine example of a female. Together they had two lovely daughters and a son. The holder of the old, old recipe was the old, old granny of the family. She was rather lippy to me when I mentioned she was putting the wrong ingredients into her spag-bol; I mean, come on, since when did the sauce include fresh garlic, onion and beef mince? And then when I told her to go easy on the herbs, she had the nerve to say 'Perché non aiutare Benito in biblioteca'... whatever that means... A very scary woman she was...

Anyway they were a great bunch, and fantastic friends; so therefore I arranged (by myself) to make their special recipies famous. Without telling them, although I'm sure they would be cool about the whole thing if they're watching this, I 'borrowed' their personal cookbook and took it back to England. Thanks to my team of researchers, I'll probably get pretty rich off this. But the Cappelletti family need not worry, I have them covered; I'm going to send the Christmas cards every year with pictures of my success, y'know, to keep the up to date. As for the money; I'll give a fair amount to the National Carehome for Donkeys.

Now... The great feast...

First you set up your tools; what you'll need:

Pans

Electric/gas Stove

Any good mixing bowls

Medium/Large sized basin

Big huge bowl

Ingredients:

Eggs [3/4]

Nero Spaggiloga [3 KG]

Saffron [16 KG]

Nutmeg [2 KG]

Step 1:

First you get a big heaping pack of Nero Spag' (hopefully available in shops soon (in the Middle East)) and pour a great big handful into your pan. Drench in olive oil.

Step 2:

Crack all your eggs over it, and mull things over.

Step 3:

Get Saffron. Lots and lots of Saffron.

Step 4:

Add a pinch of nutmeg (and by pinch, I mean 2 KG)

Step 5:

Your frying pan's probably overflowing now and dropping into the fire below, (did I mention to stove should be on low heat?). So that's when the basin comes in; assuming it's not stuck the the surface of the pan (in which case you must start over), slap the whole thing into it. Then stir (violently if necessary) for a good amount of time.

Step 6:

Assuming you have a rich creamy liquid, pour the mixture into the huge bowl on your table. Then divide it into the plates around, and in just a few hours, it will mature into...

http://www.esquire.com/media/cm/esquire/im...ast-0808-lg.jpg

Enjoy!