Annoyed
Entry posted by Pahrak Model ZX
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I almost made it a year without making an entry whining about my personal life. I really wanted to hit that milestone. What a shame. But, looks like it’s time for Emotion™, so I’m afraid I have no choice but to bump my thoughts on Megaman ZX until my next post.
So, I have a lot of skin tags on my neck. Always have. I’m really very ugly. One of them has gotten rather large lately, and now both of my parents are saying I need to check it out, my dad sobbing about how he thinks I could have cancer. I’m not particularly worried and figured I would just humor them, it might be nice to have this thing off my neck. After getting off work today I get a text saying I have an appointment to get it looked at tomorrow morning, and now I’m livid.
“But Pahrak,” you’re probably asking, “why are you angry that your father is getting you to the doctor?”
And you’re probably right. I am a horrible person. But here’s how my Horrible Person Brain is looking at the issue.
I’m going to need to be at my dad’s house just after 10, and 10 is when everything opens around here. I work tomorrow, and will need to leave my apartment for there a little past 1. So I figure this is probably going to take my entire morning, which puts a wrench in my plans for tomorrow. I’m getting over a cold and I think my sister is catching it, so I was really hoping to get to the store and buy us a giant pack of tissues. Doubt I can do that now, since the last time I tried entering the store before 10 they told me to go stand outside for the next 8 minutes. Will I get to eat my lunch? Maybe. Probably won’t be able to shower before work, and I might not feel like it after, which means I’m going to smell terrible and be in an even worse mood on Friday.
And let me reiterate: I have no reason to believe I actually have cancer. So I feel as though I’ve suddenly been asked to throw away my entire morning just to completely waste my time. That’s a big part of why I’m angry.
Going a little deeper, I do have a tendency to freak out over little things (like you could say I’m doing right now!), partially due to the distinct possibility I have that Anxiety thing, and I’ve really been trying to make progress on that and some other things in my life. And now, my parents are putting the idea of cancer in my head. So I really only have two options: get angry at them for doing that, or think about it and be totally terrified. I’m sure you can tell which one I’m exploring at the moment.
Which sucks. Because I’m so, so, so, so sick of being angry and afraid all the time, especially since it’s almost always over nothing, and right now I feel like those are my only two options. I don’t know, maybe there are more and I’ll realize that if I calm down, and then I get to continue feeling like an enormous idiot as always. Huh, I thought I was going for a positive outcome there…
The reason it has to be tomorrow is because our main doctor is leaving for an extended trip out of the country on my next day off (Friday). So really, even in the remote event he finds out I have cancer, he won’t be able to do anything about it for who knows how long, while I’ll just be sitting here thinking, “Well dang, cancer!” Heck, I might not even get the results tomorrow, which means I’ll be at the job I hate, tossing around dead chickens to avoid being rude to customers, thinking, “Gee I wonder about cancer.”
…I just don’t want to be scared. So, I’m gonna be angry, because I still haven’t learned an actual way to cope with that because I’m too stupid to actually take anyone’s advice or do anything at all.
Right, whatever. RAEG TIEM.
As expected, that was poorly organized at best. Yikes.
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