Today the Bones Blog brings you an exclusive interview over the phone with the Cheif Minion of Evil Lord Survurlode--the sole architect of BZP's doom, or so he hopes. Yes, that's right, the Cheif Evil Clock himself has agreed to do an interview! He's graciously provided images to act as visual aids for his
bones: Well, thanks for your, um... time, Evil Clock. Why don't you begin by introducing yourself for those who aren't aware of you?
Evil Clock: Not aware of me? Are you kidding me? Everybody knows me--or at least they know one of my millions upon billions of relatives. I am Evil Clock. Lord Survurlode invented me as part of his ongoing quest to disrupt BZP members' lives. He can raise his floods to swamp the server, but a guy needs his rest, ya know? So he can't be on all the time. Well, I, Evil Clock, pick up the slack by constantly reminding people that they need to be elsewhere, doing some important thing, to distract them from BZP. Here you can see my photo:
bones: You look quite spooky.
Evil Clock: I am spooky. Or at least I think so... it's not like I'm scared of myself or anything!
bones: I didn't mean to imply that... So, moving on, why do you think Survurlode is obsessed with harming BZP?
Evil Clock: "Obsessed"? That's such a strong word. It's really more of a hobby.
Evil Clock: Well, he's lived thousands of years, being a brother of Sauron and all. He has lotsa time on his hands. Get it? Time! Ha ha!
bones: Riiiight. So, moving right along... When did Survurlode come up with the idea for Clocks?
Evil Clock: Well, that's an interesting story, actually. You see, the first clocks were actually invented by the Great Beings in ancient times. They were called water clocks, and since Survurlode has power over water, they drew his attention. He set his human and goblin slaves to work building a more advanced version, and soon came up with this prototype clock:
bones: Looks complicated.
Evil Clock: Sure was. He got the idea for the clockwork mechanisms from Vahki. He couldn't get the EVIL needed with this, however, so finally he "borrowed" a Vahki from Makuta when he was disguised as that Doom fellow.
bones: It's "Doomah."
Evil Clock: Whatever. Anyways, with much modification and power from... something... he was able to build me! The Chief of the Evil Clocks.
bones: What was the "something"?
Evil Clock: Sorry, that information is classified.
bones: ...So you singlehandedly rule over all clocks in the world?
Evil Clock: Well, brilliant as I am, we needed more clocks with their own evil minds. So we stole a Vahki production facility (Survurlode had to personally carry it out of Metru Nui), and began making tons and tons of clocks, and sent them out into the world. Here you can see a slave inside a Clock Production HQ, and here you can see a poor old woman paying homage to a Vaulted House Clock. Here's my personal favorite, a man enslaved by a "Clockcuff."
bones: *glances nervously at his wrist* That's interesting. What's the story behind "clockcuffs"?
Evil Clock: They were inspired by a magical device in ancient times that you can see in this photo of a genie--these magical beings were often enslaved by golden cuffs. Survurlode had his own prototype versions made, like this one:
Evil Clock: Yes, tremble! Millions of people are cuffed by these magical devices, which, again, have a mind all of their own, just like me.
bones: Okay, I'm officially spooked and all, but these clocks seem easy enough to defeat. A hammer would do nicely...
Evil Clock: Thought of that, have an answer. We needed more than just cuffs and Vaulted House Clocks, sure. We needed an army. Remember that image of the slave in the Clock HQ?
Evil Clock: He was building what was known as a Grand Elite Clock. A soldier with great power. Here you can see one of the armies of these clocks:
bones: Okay, but an army needs organization, leaders. Do you have those as well?
Evil Clock: Indeed we do. Here you can see a Royal Clock in his palace, surrounded by slaves:
bones: Oy. I note that they are all elderly, though, with one exception. What about the millions of people who don't wear clockcuffs and who are able-bodied! I think we have room for an uprising here!
Evil Clock: Dream on, skeleton dude. For that, Survurlode invented the Overlord Clock species. Here you can see one of them, my Uncle Benny:
bones: B-but... i-i-it's not fair!
Evil Clock: Evil is as evil does.
bones: Okay, but what about computers? Nowadays we have computers. BZP runs on computers. Haven't we taken over technology for our own purposes, and left these mechanical things behind?
Evil Clock: Click this pic, buster: Digital Clock. But see, ultimately, everything, from ovens (food sources) to cars (transportation) is ruled by one of my brethren. Even BZP is enslaved:
Evil Clock: Yes, nothing can stop us. We are a horde to rival the Visorak or the Bohrok. Toa? Psshh. Wimps. Under my fellow Evil Clocks, Lord Survurlode will conquer the entire planet!
bones: Okay, but Lord Survurlode has one weakness, right?
Evil Clock: Maybe...
bones: Sauron had his One Telephone Ring. It was tossed into Mount Doom.
Evil Clock: Mount Doomah.
bones: Right... Survurlode has said that his own version, the One Refresh, is immune to that. But surely something else can destroy it. A nuke, perhaps? Tossing it in the sun?
Evil Clock: Oh, look at the time! bones, don't you have some modding to do? A contest to run? An RPG to work on? Yes, yes, I think this interview has run long enough. Let me just leave you with this one image. It's me, in all my towering Overlord Chief glory, as Lord Survurlode summons his flood to swamp BZP's server.
Evil Clock: And before you even think it--yes, I'm waterproof.
Evil Clock: *hangs up phone*