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  1. First things first: TNI has a new chapter, so go check that out. Ask Matau! to follow soon (assuming enough questions roll in), and come Halloween, the Holiday Series will be starting back up! Already got a few nice ideas in mind. As for my personal life and busy-ness, I'm still quite busy with graduate school but try to find time to write here and there. Hopefully things stabilize soon, but you never know. Adulting is hard! On my other BIONICLE projects, Sad Sad Lewa is still waiting for more players but I haven't forgotten it completely. Only two people have responded to my big comedy project announcement, but if I get more (especially animators/artists, we're really short on those) we'll be able to decide on a theme and get moving. I personally like the idea of an animated/voice-acted version of Ask Matau! right now (as it would be much easier to translate into video than TNI) but we'll see. Might also make it completely brand-new. Who knows? Still trying to re-format the QFTCJP cache I found online, but it's slow going. Looks like it includes most of the 2001 saga (about 15 chapters) but nothing past that. I'll definitely be posting something when that gets finished! I may be on less frequently than before, but I'm not gone completely. BZP will always be important! Lewa0111 Nuva
  2. Hello everyone! It is I, Lewa0111 Nuva, back to the forums once again! As you are probably aware if you've read my blog or the first chapter of TNI, I've decided to rewrite the early chapters of most of my first comedies, since the old chapters were terribly low-quality and embarrassing, especially by my current standards. After the first few chapters, the remainder of the chapters of this comedy will be reposted mostly verbatim from the original so I can get right away to work writing new chapters! Unfortunately, as a result of the hackings/archive purge, the original classic is no longer available online. I am working on ways to restore it, but for now I suppose we'll have to make do with our memories. 'Tis a sad day. Also, even though these chapters are remakes of the original chapters, I will be accepting new questions for Matau! I will still be using the original questions sent in for the chapters I'm rewriting, but in addition to that I will also add new questions to the chapters if I receive them. Any "storyline" segments of the comedy will remain the same, though, and the characters and their amusing quirks will likewise stay the same. So, let's begin! Ask Matau! A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 1: Embarrassing Moments *Matau is seated behind an empty desk in the living room of his house, which has several large posters of himself on the walls* Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! ...I always wanted to loud-shout that. Welcome to Ask Matau! That's the show where you send me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, first things first, let's begin. Computer, how many messages for--hey, wait a second! Where's my computer? Orkahm: It still hasn't been delivered yet, Matau! Matau: Where'd you come from? You're not even in this comedy! Orkahm: I thought this was Ask Orkahm, no? Matau: ...No, it isn't. Orkahm: Oh, sorry. *leaves* Matau: Why did he just throw leaves at me? Oh well. *brushes off the leaves* Anyway, if I don't have a computer, I suppose there's nothing left to do but wait for the Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran to show up! *A Vohtarak walks in* Vohtarak: Hey Matau! Did the computer come in yet? I want to play MNOG! Matau: No, we're still waiting. And I already told you, you'll have to wait until my show is over, because I need the computer to answer questions with! Vohtarak: Okay, fine. Just don't forget to tell me when it comes in! *walks into kitchen* Matau: Oh, that's right. I forgot to mention that I adopted one of each Visorak after Vakama set them free. Pretty stupid of him, really, he could have had his own private army and taken over the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA-- Okay, that was bizarre. *Doorbell rings* Matau: *opens door* Here it is! Finally! Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran (MNPSM): One package, straight from Onu-Metru Electronics, for a Mr. Metru. Matau: My last name isn't "Metru!" But yes, that's me. MNPSM: Here you go. *drops package on Matau, who gets crushed flat by the weight and leaves* Matau: Ouch...I ordered a computer, not leaves! MNPSM: Oh, but Onu-Metru Electronics is doing a promotion. Buy one computer at W599 or higher and get a free pile of leaves! Matau: Fine, I'll douse them in cheese and feed them to Roporak I guess. Thanks, random Matoran! MNPSM: You're welcome! Bye! Matau: *pushes box off of himself* That was odd. But at least I've got my computer now! Let's open it up! *Later...* Matau: Ah, I finally got my computer set up! Time to start it up and...hey, wait a minute, it's white? What do they think this is, Ask Nuju The Nerd? Time to make some adjustments! *Matau pulls out a bottle of Metru green spray paint and uses it to spray the computer...and the walls...and the ceiling...and himself...and the whole house* Matau: Uh...maybe I got carried away? Who cares, let's just start this computer! Computer: You have 3 new messages. Matau: YOU CAN TALK!? AAAH! TALKING COMPUTER! Computer: No, I can't talk. I was just telling you how many messages there are. Matau: Oh, okay. ...Hey, wait a minute, you just talked! Just now! Computer: No I didn't! Matau: Oh, just shut up. Anyway, on to the e-mails. Computer, first question. Matau: Do I really have to answer this? Keelerak: Well, it is a show called "Ask Matau..." Matau: You Visorak are so annoying. Keelerak: Well, it's true! Matau: Doesn't make it any less annoying. Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I have gone out with Nokama. There was this one time, for example, when we went to a restaurant...actually, let's just start a flashback! [FLASHBACK] *Nokama and Matau are at a table at the "Coliseum Cafe," a really fancy restaurant, and Matau is wearing a tie* Random Matoran #35: *dressed as a waiter* What would you like to eat, sir and madam? Matau: Nokama, ladies first! Nokama: Why, thank you, Matau! Let's see, I think I'll have...hmm...well, this grilled Kane-Ra dinner looks good...actually, no, maybe the Vuata Maca salad...never mind, I think maybe...*Five hours later* Nokama: ...no, no, scratch that, I might want the Kikanalo Taco...wait, never mind, I think I prefer the... Matau: Nokama: ...no, no, wait, I've got it. I'll have the fish platter. Matau: *muttering* That took long enough... RM#35: Okay. And you, sir? Matau: I'll have the fried Muaka drumstick dinner. RM#35: Very well, let me just write down your order... *accidentally grabs Matau's tie instead of his pencil* Matau: *choking noises* Can't...breathe! Help! Nokama: > Matau, would you stop clowning around? RM#35: One...fried...Muaka...drumstick...dinner...and... Matau: Nokama...help...tie! Nokama: This isn't funny, Matau! Matau: Not...a...joke... *Kongu, seated at the table behind them, stands up and snaps a picture of Matau* Kongu: Matau: Help...me...Kongu RM#35: ...one...fish...platter... Nokama: Is something wrong, Matau? *Random Matoran #35 lets go of the tie, which smacks into Matau, slingshotting him out the window and sending him flying all the way across Metru Nui, smashing into the Prison of the Dark Hunters and smashing into Nidhiki and Krekka, and all three of them fly all the way around the world and land back in the Coliseum Cafe, landing on top of Nokama* Nokama: MATAU!! I SAID STOP CLOWNING AROUND!! Nidhiki: Oog... Krekka: Uh...what's that word I'm supposed to say when it hurts again? Oh yeah: "Ow!" Kongu: [/FLASHBACK] All Visorak: Matau: IT WASN'T FUNNY! And by the way, Kongu was in for a lot of pain that evening... Okay, enough embarrassing flashbacks, next question! Computer: Displaying Question 2. Matau: What are you talking about? I never bumped into things, ever! Computer, next ques-- Keelerak: Hold it! Here, Matau, let's watch the movie. *Keelerak pulls out a DVD of LoMN and puts it in the DVD player, skipping to a scene* Matau: That doesn't count, Nokama wasn't around! Keelerak: She was in the stands! Matau: Okay, fine. So I crashed ONCE. Big deal. Keelerak: Well? Matau: ...Okay, fine, so I crashed into something twice when Nokama was around. That doesn't mean anything! Keelerak: We'll see... *skips to another scene* Matau: Okay, I admit it! I crashed into things a lot! Happy? Oohnorak: No, you still didn't answer the question! Matau: Fine. Well, I crashed into things because I was distracted by Nokama's charm! Anybody would be distracted if she was around! Keelerak: Vakama wasn't. Matau: He was too busy blaming himself for everything, that's why. Computer, next question! Matau: Well, my most embarrassing moment? Let's see, that would have to be... *reads the rest of the question* Hey, wait a minute. Something seems suspicious. Nice try, Onewa! Computer, respond to this message. Computer: Sending your reply now. *At Onewa's house...* Onewa's Computer: You've got mail! Onewa: Awesome! I bet it's Matau's most embarrassing moment. Let's read. Onewa: Awesome, let's open that file and... Computer: You've got Literal Air Mail! Onewa: What the--AAH! *A tornado erupts from his computer and blasts him into the wall* END Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,381 words. Lewa0111 Nuva
  3. *Charity Commercial Announcer voice* 75% of Mataus don't have enough questions to keep their comedy chapters coming regularly. If you or someone you know is one of the 25% of Mataus with questions to spare, do your part and donate your questions to the Lewa0111 Matau Question Charity. Or "LMQC" for short. Don't ask how to pronounce that. Call right now at 1-800-55-MATAU today.*end voice* ...Okay with that weirdness over with, Matau is in fact in dire need of questions. I wrote a filler chapter today, but he's only got 2 in the wings, and without the old comedy's questions to use anymore, that's not enough to tide over a full-length chapter, so send 'em in! Or, hey, ask Nokama/Whenua/Visorak/whoever some questions, too! On a semi-related note, I'm back for at least the summer. Graduate school is tough, which is why I've been so sporadically active on here this past school year. But I'll keep writing comedy chapters whenever I can, and I'm still dredging the Internet for traces of my old stuff. I may have a lead on a decent chunk of QFTCJP to revive. We'll see! And finally, some of you may have spotted the announcement in my sig. I'm trying to put together a team called The Avengers ...I mean, a team to work on a voice-acted BIONICLE comedy video series. Not sure if it'll be based on existing stuff (voice-acted TNI, anyone?) or something brand-new, maybe using reboot characters, but either way I need talent! I'm a great writer and decent voice actor, but am terrible at art/animation/whatever. So pass the message along to anyone you know who might be interested! Lewa0111 Nuva P.S. If you haven't already, head over to G&T where I'm hosting a game! It's called Sad, Sad [character] in which players try to cheer up a sad Gen 1 character. This time around it's Lewa.[/shamelessadvertising]
  4. Hello everyone, hope you're enjoying the new year! I know I am... *glances over at Lewa 2015* Anyway, for those of you who may not have noticed, the Nuva Inn Christmas Contest has officially begun, with Onua, Pohatu, and Kopaka having already sung their songs. I'm going to be taking votes both here as well as via PM for those who'd rather stay anonymous, and the results will be declared once all the votes are in. Here are the rules: 1) The points from the three in-story judges will be added to the points from votes. 2) Each member may vote once per round. One round = one chapter of the comedy. 3) Disqualified singers CAN be voted for but they will not be eligible to win anyway. 4) You can't vote for the judges, no matter how much you may have enjoyed Lewa's money song. The Narrator is also not in the contest. 5) Nothing, I just like the number 5. I'll keep updating this post with the totals for each round. Current point totals are: Round 1 Onua: 0 points (judges) 0 points (voters) Kopaka: 8 points (judges) 0 points (voters) Pohatu: 8 points (judges) 0 points (voters) Round 2 Tava: 8 points (judges) 0 points (voters) Fred: 8 points (judges) 1 point (voters) Gali: 0 points (judges) 0 points (voters) Round 3 TBA Semifinals TBA Finals TBA Lewa0111 Nuva
  5. Happy New Year, everyone! Kind of a strange way to start off a Christmas-titled post, but hey. As the holidays themselves were extremely busy for me (and I spent several days in there trying to post the latest update to Ask Matau! amid technical difficulties), I have fallen a bit behind schedule. Gee, what a shock. Still, not EVERYTHING is behind schedule. Both the Christmas and New Year's entries in the Holiday Series were posted more or less on time, and Ask Matau! and TNI both finished up their respective parts of the crossover saga. Not to mention Christmas still isn't over for you Lewa0111 fans; everyone's favorite dysfunctional hotel staff are still forging ahead with a (rather late) Christmas song contest! Those of you long-time fans may remember this from the old TNI. It returns beginning tomorrow! After the Christmas special is over, TNI and Ask Matau! will resume more-or-less normally from there on out. Since the archives are gone for good, I won't be remaking any old chapters other than vague plotlines that I remembered myself. You are more than welcome to send me hints that you might remember from the old comedies to help jog my memory as well, including Guest Star roles or other things. Hack Wars seems to have dwindled in popularity, so I'm leaving that one alone for the time being but will come back to it at some point. I'm also working on tracking down the rest of GMSM and Comedicle/QFTCJP. If I succeed, I'll re-post whatever else I can find from those, though what's been posted for GMSM is all I have at the moment. And the Holiday Series will continue in February, naturally. Bye for now! Must...buy...Lewa...2015... Lewa0111 Nuva
  6. Again, I apologize for the recent hiatus. Quite honestly, it was just one thing after another, and I had very little time to come back to BZP. Now that that's over, though, I hope to get back to a regular comedy writing schedule on a weekly basis. It will be as follows: The Nuva Inn: every other day (Ask Matau! "off days) Ask Matau!: every other day (TNI "off days") BZ-Nui Hack Wars: Wednesdays and Saturdays Mata Nova: Mondays and Fridays Once Mata Nova and/or BZ-Nui Hack Wars is finished (whichever happens first), I will begin reposting Quest for the Comedy Jokes of Power next. The script comedies will continue to be updated indefinitely, though there may be a slip on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which are the busiest days for me in real life, so occasionally I may not have time to update then. If that happens, the schedule will continue as normal. Thanks to all my fans for continuing to read, promote, and reply to my comedies! You guys (and girls) all rock! Lewa0111 Nuva
  7. Just wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for the sporadic updates the last two days or so and explain my planned update schedule. Unfortunately, due to my having two exams to study for tomorrow, there will not be any updates tonight of either TNI or Ask Matau!. Even though I'm just rewriting old chapters, they still take quite a while to write (believe it or not) and I simply don't have time. However, I will try to update both of them once a day regularly again starting tomorrow night. Speaking of tomorrow, tomorrow night is day I will count votes and begin reposting (verbatim) one of my prose comedies. Since that will be just a straight-up repost and not a rewrite, there shouldn't be any problem with updating that once per day until it gets caught up. After that, my goal will be to continue updating the two script comedies once a day and the prose comedy twice a week. P.S. Thanks to everyone who sent in questions for Ask Matau! so far. Your questions will be appearing in the next few chapters, so thanks! Lewa0111 Nuva
  8. Lewa0111 Nuva

    Ask Matau!

    So I've started up a rewrite of my second comedy, the ever-popular Ask Matau!. I decided that in addition to reusing the old questions as they appeared in each chapter, I'll also be adding in additional questions that anyone sends in with the new forums. So, Ask Matau! is once again accepting questions! Send them in, please! Lewa0111
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