Edited by X-Ray, Nov 26 2011 - 09:33 PM.
Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:32 PM
"All that is not eternal is eternally out of date." -C.S. Lewis
The Selected BZPower.com Literary Works of X-Ray
Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:52 PM
Ah, good to see the return of another comedy writer who I have actually read the comedies of.
Now, onto what is know in the comedy forum as 'The Comedy'. Which is or course, what you wrote in this topic.
Yeah, that seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?
I like it, it sums up what most members probably thought when they first returned.
And the humor isn't blatant, or random. It's more subtle, it blends without standing out.
Interesting choice for a ringtone I might add.
MMA, creative and funny. I like that part quite a lot.
Ah, I hated how it kept logging me out, until I figured out why it was happening.
But you managed to turn that nuisance into comedy.
Again, glad to see another excellent writer back on BZP.
And I enjoyed this reading this comedy greatly.
Edited by The Dark Chronicler, Oct 21 2011 - 11:54 PM.
Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:53 PM
Posted Jan 04 2013 - 06:49 PM
The comma indicated by the arrow is unnecessary, I do believe.
It had been several months since he had gazed upon the forums, < and typed in a witty line for the Bionicle Caption Contest, but it was back.
The comma indicated by the arrow is unnecessary. Also: I don't think “regaled” is in quite the right usage. It usually has to do with food or talk.
He looked down, < as his body transformed into how he saw himself on the site; a fine suit with a white dress shirt, blue vest, and a silver tie. He adjusted the new-improved Akaku Nuva-style eyepiece built into the right side of his head, and regaled in the site.
Ringtone can be all one word.
"Never gonna give you up!" shouted his ring tone, "Never gonna let you down! Never gonna turn around and-"
Edits are bolded. This wasn't necessarily incorrect so much as awkward.Grammar all in all: Your punctuation is really good. Most of my problems are not true errors, but things that sound really awkward in my mind as I'm reading them. Sentences are a bit long, in other words, and could be cut up and made smoother. Otherwise, apart from some unnecessary commas, there isn't much wrong. Most of your semi-errors could be resolved by saying it in real life, thus eliminating extra pauses and such.Since almost all of your "errors" are awkward statements rather than actual problems, I give high marks for this. 9/10.Plot: I wasn't here before the downtime, so I don't really know if your portrayal is accurate. Going by the word of the other posts in the topic, I'd say it's right. However, because I can't say this for certain, I'm going to do something a bit special with this section. Explained at the bottom.Humor: The humor for this is good, not in my face or slapstick. Some of the jokes, like Nobody being a wraith, took me multiple readings to understand, making it seem like I got something new each time. Being as this comedy is more aimed at making the rejoin into a joke it's not laugh-out-loud funny, but the little jokes here and there made me grin. Again, I may not get all of the jokes because I wasn't around for the downtime, but I thought the rest were funny. Overall: 7/10.
Suddenly, as X-Ray turned ("around" removed) a corner to enter the Bionicle Storyline & Theories forum, a huge flash of light engulfed him. A moment later, he was surrounded by the cold of cyberspace, with all of the activity of BZPower frozen around him and his avatar appearance stripped from his being. He then gazed with confusion and annoyance at a sort of screen sign which had popped up. It said: “Need an account? Sign in right now!”
Overall: This comedy was good, and explored a realm I haven't seen many explore (Actual BZP instead of the Bionicle universe) The grammar is some of the best I've seen, and I appreciate that. Your errors weren't major, more minor nitpicks on my account than actual problems. The humor was slightly lacking in quantity, not quality, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Keep on rockin'.
Kaithas Stamp of Approval, Class 3.
In other words, 8.6/10. The extra .6 was a bonus for the plot, seeing as I thought it was accurate but wasn't quite sure.
The Ihu-Koronan Highlanders are always looking for more recruits. I have four positions that I need filled, PM me for information.
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