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Metru Nui: what you didn't see


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8 replies to this topic

#1 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Jul 08 2014 - 11:49 PM

Well, with the success of Mask of Light: what you didn't see, I thought

I might take a crack at this. So, grab your popcorn and rotten tomatoes,

It's time for:

 

 

Metru Nui: what you didn't see(and what wasn't meant for human eyes)

 

 

 

 

Director:(me) Action!

 

Vakama: What! What pigeon?! Um, hi-err, I mean, oh no! Captured by a spider and

clown mcknuckle pants!

 

Krekka: WHAAAAT!?

 

Vakama: Lol

 

Krekka: Ok, you pipsqueak! Now you get it!

 

Lihkan: Snooore.....

 

Director: HEY! GET UP!

 

Lihkan: Go away... It's not time for recess....

 

Director: (Whispers) ....The legend reborn....

 

Lihkan: GAAAAHH!(throws board straight into krekka)

 

Krekka: (Falls into 6 lava lamps used as artificial lava)

 

Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!

 

(scene 2: take 3,245,367 1/3.)

 

Director: action!

 

Vakama: OH NO! Clown mcknuckl... uhh, I mean evil white-blue freak! (girly scream)

 

Lihkan: BOOORINNG!

 

Director: Hey! zip it!

 

Lihkan: Grumble grumble... (throws board at Vakama, who gets clobbered and flies into hole.)

 

Voice: Strike!

 

Lihkan: Yessssss!

 

Nidhiki: Drat! I wanted a pakaru... :(

 

 

 

ACT III

 

Part 1

 

Director: ACKTSHIN!!!

 

Vakama: wow! Who are all these losers?

 

Director: KUTTTTZ!!!

 

 

-3 hours later-

 

Matau: Just place the stone!

 

Nokama: But it's sooo shinyyyyz....

 

Matau: Oops... (pushes stone into slot)

 

Nokama: NOOOOOOO!

 

Large mystical special effects voice and animatronic head: Blah blah blah....

 

Commercial garbage

 

Head again: Oh by the way you iz a toa now byez

 

Whenua: What did he just-

 

(1,000,000,000,000,000 Volts goes through them all and they are replaced by different actors)

 

Lihkan: (Hiding behind wall) Boooringgg!!

 

Director: KAAAhhHhTTT!!!

 

 

I hope you enjoy!


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#2 Online Onarax

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Posted Jul 09 2014 - 08:03 AM

The pacing's a bit off. Overly rushed and sort of hard to comprehend in one reading.


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#3 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:44 AM

ACT IV

 

Director: Action, dang it!

 

Vakama: Um, why are we hanging for our dear lives? I mean, if we fall,

we'll just be caught by the supports.

 

Matau: Um, what supports? he he (Hides fishing line supports)

 

Whenua: I'm on coffee break really hyperz coffee

 

Director: Kuttz!

 

 

ACT VI

 

Director: Ugh.. Action, I guess.

 

Nokama: So, all we have to do is find this Keetongu guy, and...

 

Nuju: Wrong movie, drip.

 

Vakama: Um, how does what we're doing help at all?

 

Onewa: you mean standing around like a bunch of idiots waiting for Nokama over there to finish

talking with rahi-brain, and..

 

Kilonalo: Hey! I heard that!

 

Nokama: So, how about a lift?

 

Kilonalo: No thanks, I'm good.

 

Matau: She meant on YOU.

 

Kilonalo: Oh, is that what you said? Well, I don't get very good gas mileage these days,

but climb on. ..He he he..(Little do they know I go at about 90-120 Mph!)

 

ACT VII

 

Director: AKSHUNN!

 

Matau: Why are we going so.... fast?

 

Kilanalo: (running on a treadmill while the background loops behind him) Oh, we're going

really fast... I guess...

 

Vakama: Eek! a mouse!(high pitched girly scream)

 

(Scream disrupts running kilonalo and they all fall off)

 

Matau: Nice going, smelter mouth.

 

Vakama: Oh, I did that on purpose there was no mouse lol:p

 

Matau: Whaaaaaatt!?

 

Director: KAHHTT! Ok, print it, burn it.

 

I hope you enjoy!


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#4 Online Onarax

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 11:13 AM

You're relying far too much on random absurdity to induce humour, which isn't exactly working too well. They're thrown at the readers at fast paces, meaning that all one can really comprehend is a string of babble. Absurdity is fine, but it needs to be used in moderation, especially if such is the point of the comedy.

There is little to no narrative development. While I can see that you are clearly attempting to do a "bloopers-esque" tale, there is no solid transition between scenes, and even within them they lack interconnectedness. Its simply absurd dialogue thrown together.

You have a few grammatical errors here and there as well.

All in all, there's definitely room for improvement.

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#5 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:15 PM

Well, all that this was for was really to entertain readers for a good five seconds.

You're welcome to add something in if you wish.


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https:/404.error..jpg/2--341562#//Ghidora131/connect.hdi.jlk/

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#6 Online Onarax

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Posted Jul 11 2014 - 10:43 AM

The formatting does make reading it difficult. Bold and italics for everything is tough on the eyes.


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#7 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Aug 02 2014 - 03:50 PM

Oh, uh, about that- for some reason, my type is now permanently set that way with no explanation as to why.


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https:/404.error..jpg/2--341562#//Ghidora131/connect.hdi.jlk/

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#8 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Aug 06 2014 - 09:51 AM

Well, type fixed, so i'll come back to torture the minds of more intelligent beings with...

 

ACT VIII

 

Director: Aactionnen!

 

Onewa: You stop it

 

Whenua: No you stop it

 

Onewa: No, you stahp it

 

Whenua: I think you iz a faleeure

 

Nuju: guys, please, this isn't acting.. It's just you two-

 

Onewa: HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND GENTELMEN!

 

Whenua: (slams through cardboard)

 

Onewa: Touchdown! and only two innings out!

 

Nuju: Why must I be here, cruel world?

 

Turaga lihkan: Pardon me, boys, I need to take an ibuprofen.

 

Director: Kut!

 

 

 

ACT IX

 

Director: acktionnz!

 

"Dume": Thank you everyone, now pardon me while I eat my burrito...

 

"Dume": (on camera) Gobble gobble gobble...

 

Audience: umm....

 

Turaga lihkan: (behind chair) Boooringggg!

 

"Dume": (burp) Ugh, thank you all for coming. Please proceed to the exit.

 

Guy in audience: We paid 75 dollars to watch you eat a burrito!?

 

"Dume" Yeah! Great price, huh?

 

-later-

 

"Dume": Well, did you take care of lihkan?

 

Nidikhi: Yeah, we put him in the cardboard cell with the other toa and some explosives.

 

Krekka: Yeah, not sure what he'd do with them.

 

"Dume": WhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCTRL-ALT-DELaaaaaat!?!??!?1/?

 

Nidikhi: Oooops... Run, krekka!

 

Krekka: Uh, why he iz turning into a dragon?Or, is it a giraffe? I always forget.

 

Teridax: BURRITTTOOO!!!

 

(Nidikhi and krekka go inside artifitial cardboard mouth)

 

Turaga likhan: Boooooooring!

 

Director: KUTTET!


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#9 Offline ghidora131

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Posted Aug 06 2014 - 08:56 PM

ACT X

 

Director: Acktshinnzez!

 

Vakama: Okay, Nuju, lift me up to Teridax! I'll take care of him!

 

Nuju: Whatever. Grumble grumble... (puts hand in air)

 

Vakama: (TOTALLY isn't being raised up by supports)

 

Teridax: Oh, what a complete surprise. (hides script)

 

Vakama: Game's over, teridax! Go and do your homework!

 

Teridax: Umm... wha?

 

Director: cuttttttttttt ittttttd!!

 

 

 

ACT XI

 

Take 2,453,547,474,647,974,749,623,215,590 1/7

 

Director: ACKTSHOUN!

 

Vakama: (engages girly fight with teridax)

 

Teridax: (uses girly slap and sends vakama into a wall)

 

Vakama: Oww.. that fake rock sure is hard.

 

Teridax:It's over, fire spitter! I rule.... um... What's this place called again?

 

Nuju: bad memory ville.

 

Teridax: Hey! Stay out of this!

 

Turaga lihkan: Oh look, sacrificial hero work! Lame.. (stars fake running)

 

Turaga lihkan: Ow, I'm hit........ HEY! I SAID OW, I'M HIT!

 

Teridax: (daydreaming) What? Oh yeah... Boom smash kaboom.

 

Turaga I think you know his name by now: (Gets hit by Styrofoam blast) Ow, that smarts... I don't think I'm getting paid enough for this...

 

Director: Sssshh!

 

Vakama: Oh noes! Wait.. do I party now? Is that right?

 

Teridax: Of course, Vakama'am :P

 

Vakama'am: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAt!?!?!?

 

Vakama: (girly punches Teridax into stone wall)

 

Teridax: But.. but.. how? I used the props, the lighting, the special effects....

 

Director: Quietz!

 

Vakama: I wasn't alone.... I had..... "Friends"...

 

Nuju: Yeah right.

 

Nokama: I'm here too!

 

Matau: Ohh yeahhh... Lame.

 

Turaga lihkan: (on ground, supposedly dead) Booorringgg!

 

Whenua: Im on coffee break really hyperz coffee

 

Onewa: I hate my life...

 

Vakama: (suddenly has a memory of the past (redundant)) Oh by the way you iz a toa now byez

 

Vakama: Floating heads are weird...

 

Matau: For crying out loud, can we finish him?

 

Nokama: Finish him!

 

All toa: (stunt crew hand them all flashlights)

 

Matau: Click! (turns flashlights on)

 

Teridax: ( stunt crew place bubble wrap over him) I'll never get... that.... coffee.............. burrrritoooo...........(lame fake death)

 

Vakama: Turaga lihkan!

 

Turaga lihkan: Now he notices me.. hmph.

 

Vakama: Oh noez! What's going to happen to you? Don't die!

 

Turaga lihkan: Take a guess what happens, genius. (fake death)

 

Vakama: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!2!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!%!

 

Director: okay, cut. You know what, so as we don't poison the minds of everyone else, let's just burn the film.

 

Editor: But sir, it's now out on blue ray.

 

Director: WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?

 

(Studio blows up)

 

Whenua: I love happy endings, don't you, Vakama?

 

Vakama: That's enough coffee.

 

THE LONG AWAITED END


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