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To Trap A Tahnok


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#1 Offline Thunder on the Mountain

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Posted Nov 01 2011 - 06:01 PM

To Trap a TahnokThe icy slopes of the mountain passes that formed the wastes held refuge only for the most dangerous of creatures. Fierce Muaka cats stalked the slopes, waiting to ambush their clueless pray, snow birds dive at unwanted visitors to their home, and on the slopes of Mount Ihu, even the fierce Nui-Rama can show their ugly faces, sweeping wanderers of all sorts from steady footing and down the steep slopes of ice to their death. Above all however, was the most dangerous creature in the Wastes. Wondering as he pleased, with no fear of what may lie ahead, Toa Kopaka was the most dangerous of beings on Ko Wahi. Or at least...he had been. It had been a few suns since the swarms had shown their faces on Mata Nui’s surface, and already the results were catastrophic. Burning and crushing and flooding their way through the village’s the island bore, it seemed Mata-Nui had faced no adversaries such as the Bohrok before. Even the mighty Toa themselves were rivalled by the skill shown by the overwhelming numbers they faced, and yet they were forced to hunt down these creatures anyway, in search for the repulsing creatures that lay within the Bohrok’s shells, the Krana Turaga Vakama had spoken of. Already, Lewa was missing, and each Toa had been pushed to their limits in finding these creatures, and taking their Krana while doing so. It was hardly only the Toa who had taken up arms against this new threat. Already, in protection and in some cases vengeance for their homes, Matoran from all six villages had taken up arms to fight. The Onu-Matoran were travelling the island, bringing with them grand machines that could do great damage to the swarms, as they had been crafted from the mechanical bodies of the machines themselves. This was a war now, not just an invasion.As he stalked the wastes, covered in the light snow falling from the sky, Kopaka bore a dangling chain of Krana on his back, collected from the Bohrok he had defeated. They were the only company he had, for the first time in a short while, he mused. It brought some comfort being alone again, as no matter how powerful the combined powers of the Toa were in times of need, Kopaka always felt far more at home with no voices to be heard but in his head, and no footsteps in the snow but his own. Even in their recent victory over Makuta, it was still relieving to be parted from Lewa’s quips, and Tahu’s arrogance. Pohatu as well, Kopaka thought with some uncertainty, as he could hardly lie to himself. He enjoyed the presence of the Toa of Stone, although he’d be the last one to admit it.His wandering and stalking for Bohrok patrols came to an end when he saw something in the snow a short ways out from him. Kopaka was near a great slope, leading into a canyon below, and further down the slopes edge, he saw a flicker of movement. Calling upon the power of his Kanohi Akaku, to look closer upon the figure, which now was clear to Kopaka as Matoro, a Matoran from Ko-Koro. A great stiffness overcame the Toa, as the last time he had found Turaga Nuju’s Right Hand in The Drifts; he had only narrowly saved him from an inevitable fate at the hands of a Muaka. As he stepped towards higher ground, Kopaka prayed he would not find another fierce cat involved in this finding.However upon looking from a better place, Kopaka quickly discovered that today, Matoro was not alone, as further along the canyons edge, buried in piles of snow were other Matoran, looking down below just as Matoro was. Disks stacked nearby and ropes gathered beneath the Matoran’s hunching forms, Kopaka recognised the other Matoran as a number of trappers from Ko-Koro, very skilled in catching Rahi. In these numbers gathered here, Kopaka knew they could only be putting their expertise to work, and a moment later, this became a proven point.In the canyon below, a band of marauding red-clad Bohrok burned their way through the high-piled snow. Not stopping for a minute, the Bohrok continuously marched and burned their way through the canyon, although clueless to the presence of the Ko-Matoran above.The Toa of Ice slung his shield over his arm like he had done many dozen times before, reaching for his sword with his right hand, prepared to assist the Matoran in a battle he doubted they could truly win. Skilled were the trappers of Ko-Koro, but their power was little compared to the ruthless strength of the Tahnok, and besides, he needed the Krana. He stopped for a moment however, hand on the hilt of his sword, and watched as the Matoran began their attack.Snow collapsed into the canyon like a great avalanche, although too slow to strike the Bohrok. It became clear a moment later, however, that this was not the intention, as the avalanche had near entirely filled the canyon behind them. To fall back would be impossible for the Bohrok, although Kopaka did not suspect this would occur anyways. A moment later, the Bohrok were pinned For in that same moment, bursting from piles of snow and holes in the ground ahead of the Tahnok came more Matoran, and not more trappers from Ko-Koro either. Running to rhythm of beating drums, riders of the Onu-Koro Ussalry rose from the ground, some mounted on crabs, others charging by foot. From beneath the snow emerged two Boxor fighting machines, forming an impenetrable line of defence behind the riders. As the Tahnok charged the Onu-Matoran, a number of traps and snares caught them and pulled them to the ground, as place by the Ko-Matoran, who also began to rain disks upon the oncoming Tahnok.Kopaka paused in his steps, not drawing his sword, for some reason not even he knew, choosing not to go down to the battleground below. He had every urge to accompany the Matoran in their fight, but instead, chose to relax, dropping his hand from the hilt of his sword. The Matoran had not the slightest idea he was watching them, and yet they began their attack with veracity unlike Kopaka had ever seen from them. This was their battle, not his, and remarkably enough, they were holding their own. The Tahnok incoming were part of a smaller party than, usual, and so despite their superior abilities, they were outnumbered by the attacking Matoran, and caught off guard as well. The Boxor moving in struck powerfully, crushing and tearing off the faceplates of the Bohrok, and knocking the Krana from their headpieces. With such heart they attacked as well, for Kopaka saw the Onu-Matoran miner Taipu charge at a Tahnok alone, with a pick in hand. Leaping at top the machine’s head, he held on with his life as it attempted to buck and throw him off, but Taipu gained the upper hand. As he was thrown off, Taipu pried open the faceplate of the creature, but was tossed into a snow bank at the same time. Pulling himself up to look at the Bohrok, he was narrowly saved when the Ussalry Captain, Onepu, rammed the machine with his Ussal crab and flung it over sideways, throwing it’s Krana astray. Under the heavy attack of both the hardy Onu-Matoran and the precise throwing disks of the Ko-Matoran, the forward Bohrok were slowly disabled, and the remaining were forced to push back, before they came under the full firepower of the Boxor vehicles, which battered away at the remaining Tahnok. One by one they fell to the Matoran’s attacks, until the canyon was filled only with the discarded red shells of the monstrous creatures and a great number of cheering Matoran, from both the villages of Ice and Earth. Only but a few Matoran had fallen injured to the Bohrok, or enslaved by their vile Krana, but it was not long before they had been restored to, and were helped out of the canyon. One Boxor had been damaged beyond repair, but the remains of the Tahnok were quickly pulled out of the canyon, back to where they could be made into new Boxors. Kopaka silently watched the Matoran cheer over their victory, and slung the shield over his back again. Turning on his heel, Kopaka headed away to hunt more of the swarms wretched fighters. He nearly cracked a smile, having seen the Matoran conquer the battle, even such a small skirmish. The Toa considered heading down into the canyon below to collect the Krana from the fight, but decided against that as well. Even the cold, calculating, logical warrior felt wrong taking spoils from another being’s battle, and instead chose to wander off southward; following a curious trail of footprints left by what must have been Bohrok Va. Perhaps it had been for the better he had not shown his face. He wouldn’t always be there to protect his people, and these were Ko-Matoran after all. Just like him, they had always felt far more at home with no voices to be heard but in their own cold, calculating heads, and no victorious footsteps in the battle-worn snow but their own.

Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 01 2011 - 06:06 PM.

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#2 Offline Fighty

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Posted Nov 19 2011 - 10:30 PM

Alright, rookie SSCC member TheMightyFighty is here to review your delicious entry!As is my modus operandi, I'll begin with the lesser parts of the story.Now, I always hate to point this out because it makes me feel bad - but you do have several spelling errors. If it's just one or two I usually let it slide, but your misspellings actually confused the story for me, as you can see below:

Wondering as he pleased, with no fear of what may lie ahead, Toa Kopaka was the most dangerous of beings on Ko Wahi

I assume that 'wondering' is meant to be 'wandering', correct? It took me a little while to figure that out, and it jarringly interrupted the flow of your story, which is never a good thing.You also have long sentences that veer towards being clunky. Economy of words is a virtue that all writers should strive for; even though it's tempting to drag out your sentences in a long-winded fashion, it's usually more advantageous to express your ideas as simply as possible. That way, you run little risk of confusing or boring your reader. Consider several sentences from your story, and how they might be changed to be simpler.

It had been a few suns since the swarms had shown their faces on Mata Nui’s surface, and already the results were catastrophic. Burning and crushing and flooding their way through the village’s the island bore, it seemed Mata-Nui had faced no adversaries such as the Bohrok before.It had only been a few suns since the swarms had appeared on Mata Nui, and already they had done catastrophic damage. They had burned, crushed and flooded the island's villages, proving that they were greatest adversaries Mata-Nui had ever known.

It was hardly only the Toa who had taken up arms against this new threat. Already, in protection and in some cases vengeance for their homes, Matoran from all six villages had taken up arms to fight.It was not the Toa alone who faced the Bohrok - Matoran, too, had risen up against the swarms that had decimated their homes.

Kopaka was near a great slope, leading into a canyon below, and further down the slopes edge, he saw a flicker of movement.Kopaka, standing by a great slope, noticed a flicker of movement near the slope's edge.

Obviously, these are simply stylistic suggestions and not actual, objective corrections. But nevertheless, your story can be a chore to read at times due to all the superfluous helping verbs and run-on sentences. It would be a good idea in the future to try to make your stories as concise as possible. You don't need to skimp on creativity or content; just funnel that creativity and content into simple, meaningful sentences that are easy to read and comprehend.Now, for the pluses.I really enjoyed the battle-scene. Here the clunkiness of your sentences didn't bother me as much, because you had such a good sense of what was going on and you conveyed it so well. You gave me a vivid picture of what was happening, which is a great skill for a writer to have. The only downside to the battle was that it was so short; once I started reading it, I didn't want it to stop. Your story kind of faltered during Kopaka's moments of introspection, but it gained its footing once you got to the action. I thoroughly enjoyed that part of the story.I also appreciated that you gave the Matoran some autonomy here. I think everybody roots for the underdogs, and the Matoran have been very clearly distinguished as underdogs in the Bionicle mythos. They are so weak, and they are surrounded by enemies that are so strong. Thus, it's always thoroughly enjoying to read a story where the Matoran win a battle on their own, without any aid from the Toa. So, pros and cons?CONS
    [*]Clunky sentences[*]Misspellings[*]Slow start[/list]PROS
      [*]Good descriptions[*]Intense action[/list]Overall, I'd give it a rating of Good. It's got some flaws, but it has a thoroughly enjoyable climax and a satisfying conclusion.

      ExemplaryGreatGoodPoorAwful


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#3 Offline Thunder on the Mountain

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Posted Nov 19 2011 - 10:51 PM

Well, first of all, thanks a lot for giving me a review, and a fairly in depth one at that!Lord, I must have read over this half a dozen times, but as always there's still a few typo's that slip through. That wondering/wandering thing is obviously a problem, but alas, I can't do anything about it until the contest is done.The writing thing is just generally my style. I try to get really descriptive, but I can see how it would come across as boring and/or clunky. Heck, I don't even like reading that sort of stuff myself. :PAnyway, I'm glad you at least thought it was alright, and from the start I knew this wasn't exactly one of my best works. :P Thanks for your time spent reading this and evaluating it. ;)

Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 19 2011 - 10:52 PM.

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#4 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 11:25 AM

I liked this one. I personally love matoran characters, and I love seeing matoran heroes all the more. It's one of the reasons I loved 2006 so much. ^^This was actually the title in the contest that I feared the most. I'm not too good with action sequences myself and I prefer internal conflicts. I really loved the first paragraph to this. It was very descriptive and really set a nice tone. That really helped when you got to describing the war that broke out among the matoran and bohrok. The one thing I don't like so much is the descriptions of the battling. I mean, I like how you're showing us how the matoran are fighting, but for whatever reason I didn't find it to be as exciting as the descriptive style in the beginning. I enjoyed Kopaka's mentality, and you really brought it full circle at the end. The only thing that struck me as odd was that Kopaka mentioned the Matoran (ko-matoran) might prefer to be left alone as he is left alone, yet the matoran were unified with another koro. Of course, I see this as a double-meaning. The matoran unified amongst themselves as Kopaka found commonality among his own element (and I really like that angle). I wish that could be hinted at a little more, but that's still what I got from this story (I'm not sure if that's what you were going for though. ^^')Overall, I did enjoy this story a lot! Good luck! ^^
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#5 Offline Thunder on the Mountain

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 12:21 PM

The only thing that struck me as odd was that Kopaka mentioned the Matoran (ko-matoran) might prefer to be left alone as he is left alone, yet the matoran were unified with another koro.

Well, what I kinda intended to mean by that was mostly that despite the fact that that the Ko-Matoran were working with other Matoran as well, they had still accomplished their task as just that, Matoran, without the aid of the Toa.Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks!

Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 20 2011 - 12:22 PM.

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#6 Offline Phovos

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 02:05 PM

Just as I posted my entry, I saw this one, with exactly the same title, yet forgot to read it. Which is silly of me.Anyway, I love the fact that the Matoran weren't just helpless individuals. A hero-Matoran is much more interesting than a hero-Toa, and your action scenes were very good, despite your overly long sentences.My main con is that Kopaka's thoughts seemed not very Kopaka-y. As usual, I am making little sense, but it seems as though Kopaka went a little too soft for a moment, and his thoughts and actions were a bit messy. The Matoran were handled really well, and Kopaka seemed confused in comparison.But I did enjoy, and overall, that's what counts.Right?
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#7 Offline Thunder on the Mountain

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 02:24 PM

Hah, well, I'll have to pop over to yours and throw an opinion in there. :PAbout the Kopaka thing, really? I tried to get Kopaka's angle on the whole thing right, cause Kopaka's one of my favourite characters in the whole darn MU. I knew I was getting a little more at that softer side, the Kopaka that actually likes Pohatu, and the Kopaka with the 'it's what you do that makes you a hero' quote. *Shrug* Well, thanks for your thoughts. ;) I appreciate them all. If you enjoyed it, that's satisfaction enough for me.

Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 20 2011 - 04:38 PM.

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#8 Offline xccj

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Posted Dec 09 2011 - 02:34 AM

Wow, this was great. I was turned off at first by a few grammatical errors. But as I continued reading on, the story diverted my attention away from the silly rules of language. This story had a very nice flow to it; I especially like where Kopaka recognizes his desire to work alone with that of the Ko-Matoran. And there were lots of tidbits that connected the story back to the grand days of 2002. I liked the bit where Kopaka admits to enjoying Pohatu's company, as well as the inclusion of the Onu-Matoran in the trap. One thing that always bugged me about the official story was that there was never a attack in Ko-Wahi in any of the comics / web episodes. But you pulled it off here nicely, and I can easily imagine that this did indeed happen back in 2002, but the storytellers just didn't have the time to mention it to us. ;)Plus, I always like a good story about Matoran holding out on their own without Toa.Anyway, good story. Work a little harder on grammar stuff and the like, but you got the plot and characters down. :):music:
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