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My Story review topic


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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Takutanuva1987

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Posted Jan 24 2017 - 08:21 PM

Any comments are welcomehttp://www.bzpower.c...bionicle-story/


Edited by Takutanuva1987, Jan 24 2017 - 08:22 PM.

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#2 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Jan 24 2017 - 09:12 PM

A very interesting reinterpretation of BIONICLE. Despite all the changes, though, I greatly appreciate how the atmosphere of mystery and exploration remain. Much like the early years of BIONICLE, I want to see as much of this land as I can and learn how our amnesiac protagonists came to be there.

That being said, the writing itself is not quite perfect. The most glaring issue to me is the italicization of the quotes, which is unnecessary and not a convention I've seen before. Most stories instead make a new paragraph every time a different character speaks, to make it clear it's not the same speaker.

Much of the narration, though, is personally reminiscent to me of C.A. Hapka, author of the earliest BIONICLE novels. They way you both describe the characters' amnesia is brief but not confusing. I'm very curious to find out where the Matoran originally came from, which is something I haven't gotten to wonder in a long time, and I thank you for that.

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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
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-- Turaga Nokama

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#3 Offline Takutanuva1987

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Posted Jan 26 2017 - 06:19 PM

Thanks for the feedback. yeah That is just the way I like to make the speaking parts, Not sure where I got it from but Ive written everything that way for a long time. I write them as though they are tv episodes I have seasons and the such like that.

 

I have put a lot of years into my version of Bionicle and have tried to create a fresh telling of what I think is one of the best story/toy series ever made.

 

I just posted episode 2 as well.


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#4 Offline HewkiiXMacku

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Posted Jan 26 2017 - 07:31 PM

This story is very interesting, a great AU. My opinions are similar to Master Inika's; great air of mystery, leaves you wanting more, but slightly frustrating writing at times.

 

Also, it seems that they are learning things a bit too fast, for some reason. I, personally, would like the air of mystery to last for as long as possible.


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#5 Offline Takutanuva1987

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Posted Jan 26 2017 - 08:04 PM

Yeah I apologize for my writing style I tried reformatting it like Ignika suggested but it just didnt feel right to me I will try it for the next episode though. Also what is an AU? Im not very acronym savvy.

 

The mystery will persist for quite a while some things will be answered quickly but other will take a very long time to come to light. I see it as relearning something you use to know. Some parts may come easier than others. The next few episodes will slow down the time frame pace though plus there is soo much in the story that some smaller mysteries have to be answered quicker to not get lost in the pile.

 

I appreciate the feedback thank you!


Edited by Takutanuva1987, Jan 26 2017 - 08:06 PM.

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#6 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Jan 26 2017 - 08:30 PM

Yeah I apologize for my writing style I tried reformatting it like Ignika suggested but it just didnt feel right to me I will try it for the next episode though. Also what is an AU? Im not very acronym savvy.
 
The mystery will persist for quite a while some things will be answered quickly but other will take a very long time to come to light. I see it as relearning something you use to know. Some parts may come easier than others. The next few episodes will slow down the time frame pace though plus there is soo much in the story that some smaller mysteries have to be answered quicker to not get lost in the pile.
 
I appreciate the feedback thank you!

AU just means Alternative Universe.

As for the new installment, nice first confrontation between the heroes and minions. It's an effective way of adding some action without letting the audience forget about the mystery and lore. The writing quality seems to have gone up a little bit, too, but the formatting of the quotations still distracts me a little.

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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

nichijou2.jpg

Click here to visit my library!


#7 Offline Takutanuva1987

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Posted Feb 21 2018 - 07:49 PM

Finally back to it


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