I feel good today.
Sorry, I know it's been a few weeks, but believe me when I promise that I am going to keep going.
PSA 1: The Official TAOT Infomercial
Imagine a world where hope is all but lost.
As a the flames of a dying fire pit smolder and smoke, the denizens of a ruthless, unyielding Empire too are suppressed by its sheer power. Hope is found only in a select few, the glowing orange embers of the fire that just need that spark to reignite…
Follow the adventures of Tahu...in the reimagining of a comedic classic...and discover how hope might just prevail against all odds for the greater good of all.
Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil is out now.
TG: I’m going to be honest. That wasn’t terrible.
Meta: Well, thank you. I’d assume it was far better than terrible.
Censorer: It might be better suited for an epic, though.
Meta: But this is epic!! It demonstrates the pure struggle that Tahu has to go through. No one else believes they can defeat the Orderly Empire. Tahu can.
TG: But Tahu doesn’t even want to destroy the Orderly Empire! Most of the time, he’s just running away from Helryx and trying to save his friends.
Meta: Sure, because Gali was definitely just his friend.
Censorer: TG, that’s not entirely accurate, but it isn’t even the point anyway. Meta, this is a COMEDY. What you just wrote would be better suited for an Avengers trailer.
Meta: Yeah, okay. Look at all of the CENSORED jokes they made in Age of Ultron. That movie had a pretty epic trailer, but that didn’t stop Stan Lee. It doesn’t need to stop us, either.
Censorer: I can’t believe you would bring that up. This is BZPower, watch your tone.
Meta: Well, it was either that or spoil The Last Jedi.
Nex: Wait, I have an idea!
Meta: Oh, so now the talking creamsicle wants a say.
TG: Eh, can’t hurt. Nex, let’s see what you’ve got.
Here we go, off the rails, Don't you know it's time to cry and flail, It's order like you never knew...They are sad, and all crass, Say “Resistance,” and they beat--
Nex: What do you mean, no?! Why are you interrupting me?
Formata: That’s what I said. No. And I’m not wasting my formatting skills on you if all you’re going to do is rip off another song.
Nex: Well, okay. You’re lucky I have another idea.
Formata: I bet I am.
*Tahu walks out of Helryx’s office and starts talking* She bought it. Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and she never doubted it for a second. How could I possibly be expected to handle serving the Orderly Empire on a day like this? It's getting pretty tough staying here anymore. If I don’t get out of here, Helryx will probably suspect something, so I'd better make this one count. The key to faking out the Empire is---
Formata: What is it with you and pop culture references?
Meta: It’s because he has no actually good jokes of his own. Unless you consider his disgustingly bad puns.
Nex: You know, I don’t understand. I thought you were going to give me freedoms that the old narrator never had. You were going to let me be funny.
Meta: Yeah, robots don’t have the capacity to be funny.
TG: Well, then I guess that makes every single character in the comedy. Regardless, I still have an idea.
Meta: I mean, technically, most of them are biomechanical beings. But continue.
In an Alternate Universe of the Traditional BIONICLE Story…
Tahu: Wait, we’re doing this again?? Seriously?
Helryx: I guess so. Except this time I’m actually going to win.
Axonn: And the jokes are actually funny.
Ackar: And there’s only one fidget spinner.
Brutaka: And the comedy actually makes somewhat coherent sense.
Teridax: It’s not in script though. This is false advertising.
Vezon: I mean, there’s an actual backstory, but there’s no color-coded characters anymore.
Transition Guy: Guys, guys, calm down. This is just a promotion to show off how amazing you all are, and that your story is being remade.
Tahu Nuva, Toa of Silver: That’s right! The Adventures of Tahu has now been remade into a comedy called Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil, and you should totally go check it out.
Tahu: See, Helryx? My name’s still in the title.
Helryx: ...I’m going to make your life terrible.
To Be Continued...in Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil. Out now.
Meta: ...is this a joke?? You put...my alter ego in instead of me?
TG: That’s who the readers are familiar with! I don’t want to spoil what happens at the end of Tahu’s Consequence!!
Meta: I would rather you spoil it than put him in instead of me. I’m the author of this comedy. And if you don’t like that, then I guess your idea for the infomercial won’t be considered.
Meta: No buts! Ugh, these ideas are all terrible, except for mine. I guess we’ll just have to go with--
EG: HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE VERY FIRST PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE HERO TAHU! I’m your host, Extra Guy, and today we have something very special for you guys: an official infomercial for the comedy. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
...where is it? Meta?
Meta: Well, we don’t exactly have one yet.
EG: You’re kidding, right? I gave you guys eight-hundred words to draft something before I officially aired it. Heck, I even allowed an extra twenty-three before I came on the scene.
Censorer: Actually, we’ve been on the air for a while now. In fact, they can see everything we’re saying even now.
EG: Oh!! *turns to the front of the stage, where he sees the words of this chapter being typed in tandem with his actions. Yes, this word. This word, too. Actually, those were sentences, but this sentence is being typed out as well* Sorry to be so unprofessional. We’ve usually got these things under control at NAW.
Censorer: Extra Guy, we never do. And even if we did, who would care, anyway? It’s not like anyone actually reads this comedy.
EG: That’s exactly why we need an infomercial!! To boost our rep!! To get ourselves the praise we deserve! We put a lot of work into this, and you know we do, Censorer.
Censorer: ...I know. Well, I actually had an idea for the infomercial. It’s kind of stupid, but at this point, I guess it doesn’t matter.
In The Adventures of Tahu…
“Oh, great. Now I have guilt,” Tahu said, followed by a hard facepalm to his mask.
“No time for movie quotes, or funniness.” Nuju ordered.
“But this is a comedy,” Tahu whined.
Suddenly, a wall exploded. Before it did, though, Tahu saw a number four painted on it. Before Nuju could exclaim that the fourth wall had been broken...
In its remake…
Helryx entered through the wall, followed by The Shadowed One, Teridax, and Axonn, dragging along a handcuffed Kopaka. “Finally! I found a way to get in and kill you at the perfect time! Thanks to your friend over here…”
Kopaka struggled to get away from Helryx. “She’s lying! All I wanted to do was to see why there were a horde of Dark Hunters marching down the street…then I realized they were coming for you...”
In The Adventures of Tahu…
“So, you see, Toa, I am not stupid. I had of course, hoped that you would heed my words. But I knew, in the end, you would attempt to escape. Now, here’s the truth, Toa: There is no escaping here. Ever.”
Tahu ignored her as he selected a desert planet to go to. It looked hot, and hot was good…
In its remake…
Tahu looked at Helryx, unsheathing his swords. “You’ve lied to me, you traitor. How dare you kill off innocent Matoran. How dare you put yourself at the helm of this empire. How dare you…not let me find...Gali...” Tahu had tears in his eyes, but he was willing to do anything to avenge his tears, to avenge the disappearances and deaths of his friends at the hands of Helryx. He would not hesitate…
In The Adventures of Tahu…
Helryx froze. How could he know all of this? She thought. And then a one-word plan formulated in her head.
“ATTACK!” she screamed, thrusting herself into Tahu with a kick. Her colleagues followed suit with a CRASH and the beginning of war...
In its remake…
And so, thus began the adventures of Tahu.
Wait a second!! Boss, we changed the name!
Yeah, we know. It’s actually called Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil now.
And I mean, I can’t promise that TNTS won’t suck at being a nice author, but I mean, the comedy’s much more detailed, coherent, and humorous now.
Consider it the anniversary edition of the anniversary edition. The gold standard.
And I mean, it’s not exactly the same story. It’s a remake, so there’s a lot to look forward to.
And my lovely transitions.
And my niche censoring skills.
Want more of this? Hesitate no further. Read Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil today, in the BZP Comedies forum. Currently, we’re on Season 3, entitled The Hero Tahu, but you are OF COURSE free to check out Tahu’s Transport and Tahu’s Consequence, which are Season 1 and Season 2 respectively. Enjoy!
EXTRA! EXTRA! is a subdivision of Tahu’s Antics: Orderly Turmoil, which in itself is a subdivision of NAW, which in itself is a property under |MetaStriker Productions|..
©2018 All rights reserved.
Meta: Well, if I must say. That was definitely the most ambitious infomercial I’ve seen yet.
Censorer: I know. I was downplaying it a lot. And then all those other infomercials...happened.
TG: Hey!! Mine was good!
Censorer: Yeah...mine was better. Sorry.
Meta: You know. I will say this. You really do put in a lot of work, Censorer. I’m really impressed.
Censorer: That’s something the old boss would have never said.
Meta: Well, I’m not him. Well, I mean, I am, but I’m the better him. I don’t work for myself. I work for all of you. You know that?
Censorer: ...I guess I do.
Meta: Well, great. I’ll take this into consideration with EG. Let’s go. *leaves the studio with EG*
TG: ...Censorer, what are you doing?! I thought we hated him! You said it yourself. Too much is changing.
Censorer: I know, but it doesn’t hurt to be on his good side, right? At least for one chapter.
TG: These aren’t even chapters. These are specials. They’re probably detracting way too much from the main story and confusing the heck out of the readers.
Censorer: Transition Guy, we are part of the main story. This comedy isn’t just about some ragtag group of BIONICLEs trying to take down an unstable yet overly powerful dictatorship. It’s about redemption in so many ways. And it means all the more for us.
TG: Well, thanks for completely ignoring me about the whole “detracting from the main story” bit. We should really end this PSA now.
Censorer: And we’re about to. I just wanted to say that. And TG, if something happens in the next chapter, which it probably will, I will stand with you. I just needed you to know what I was standing with you for.
Nex: Okay, the fact that you didn’t throw a “nex” pun in there makes me sad.
Formata: Nex, you make me sad.
End of PSA 1
Chapter 5 coming Friday! Hope you enjoyed this infomercial---it was a ton of fun to write.