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Shades Of Grey: Genesis - Review Topic


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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Zorrakh

Zorrakh
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Posted Dec 31 2011 - 06:47 PM

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This is the review topic for my first epic in the Shades of Grey Trilogy. Here is the link to Genesis.

Edited by Zorrakh, Dec 31 2011 - 06:48 PM.

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#2 Offline Cederak

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Posted Dec 31 2011 - 10:18 PM

In the spirit of accuracy, your title misspells the word "gray" - unless you live in the UK. (GrAy - American, GrEy - European) I must say though, after looking at the brickshelf gallery you linked, some of those MOCs are very impressive. In particular, the Phantoms and your silver Rahkshi. But this is a story, so I won't draw out the set discussion too much. Instead, I took a moment to highlight some minor issues throughout your chapter. If you aren't already using MS Word or a similar program, I highly recommend it to all writers.

I be sure to tell you what I think, okay?”

I'll be sure

thirty kio squard,

squared

Mountain, which could be see

mountain, which could be seen

rectangle metallic door

rectangular metallic door

he is surprisingly even-tempered

he was

slight smile “just in case.”

slight smile, “just in case.”

be cleared away of snow.

be cleared of snow.

Telescreen emerged.

telescreen emerged. This issue shows up two more times.

from one another island.”

from another island.”

“sir, so you’re implying that

“Sir, so you’re implying that

“It’s quiet possible, my brother,

“It’s quite possible, my brother,

“so you think they came out of there, sir,

“So you think they came out of there, sir,

“while there isn’t any evidence against that theory, there is nothing against it,

I'm not sure what you meant here. Maybe reword it?

“so we’re goin’ down there today and see

“So we’re goin’ down there today to see

a sad smile, “unfortunately, Kromahl

a sad smile. “Unfortunately, Kromahl

can be gather and/or

can be gathered and/or

“and, just in case,

“And, just in case,

shouted “yes, sir!”

shouted, “Yes, sir!”

Wouldn’t that be wonderful to have that feeling again…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have that feeling again…Again, Word is an invaluable tool to prevent little things like those. Getting back to the actual story, though, I'm a fan of your opening poem. I have a feeling it sets a tone for your epic, or the tone you're intending at least. It was difficult for me to find a tone, or much of any feeling from your first chapter. There was a noticeable lack of detail regarding what the characters were feeling (or sensing), and it left things feeling rather hollow. This spilled over into dialogue that felt a bit forced. Bear in mind, however, building a world from the ground up (even with the Bionicle universe as a backdrop) is a task in itself, and I am the last person to underplay the skill involved and required to do so. Still, this epic needs a greater attention to detail, in terms of sensory experiences, imagery, and enhancing the dialogue. Reread everything a character says back to yourself, out loud, before deciding to let a character say it. If it feels forced, or awkward, change it.Writing is about building upon your experience, and learning from where you went wrong. But like any other skill, the amount of time you put in to mastering an art form will be reflected in your application of it. This is a good start, Zorrakh, and I wish you the best going further.-Ced

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#3 Offline Zorrakh

Zorrakh
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Posted Dec 31 2011 - 10:41 PM

In the spirit of accuracy, your title misspells the word "gray" - unless you live in the UK. (GrAy - American, GrEy - European) I must say though, after looking at the brickshelf gallery you linked, some of those MOCs are very impressive. In particular, the Phantoms and your silver Rahkshi. But this is a story, so I won't draw out the set discussion too much. Instead, I took a moment to highlight some minor issues throughout your chapter. If you aren't already using MS Word or a similar program, I highly recommend it to all writers.

I be sure to tell you what I think, okay?”

I'll be sure

thirty kio squard,

squared

Mountain, which could be see

mountain, which could be seen

rectangle metallic door

rectangular metallic door

he is surprisingly even-tempered

he was

slight smile “just in case.”

slight smile, “just in case.”

be cleared away of snow.

be cleared of snow.

Telescreen emerged.

telescreen emerged. This issue shows up two more times.

from one another island.”

from another island.”

“sir, so you’re implying that

“Sir, so you’re implying that

“It’s quiet possible, my brother,

“It’s quite possible, my brother,

“so you think they came out of there, sir,

“So you think they came out of there, sir,

“while there isn’t any evidence against that theory, there is nothing against it,

I'm not sure what you meant here. Maybe reword it?

“so we’re goin’ down there today and see

“So we’re goin’ down there today to see

a sad smile, “unfortunately, Kromahl

a sad smile. “Unfortunately, Kromahl

can be gather and/or

can be gathered and/or

“and, just in case,

“And, just in case,

shouted “yes, sir!”

shouted, “Yes, sir!”

Wouldn’t that be wonderful to have that feeling again…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have that feeling again…Again, Word is an invaluable tool to prevent little things like those. Getting back to the actual story, though, I'm a fan of your opening poem. I have a feeling it sets a tone for your epic, or the tone you're intending at least. It was difficult for me to find a tone, or much of any feeling from your first chapter. There was a noticeable lack of detail regarding what the characters were feeling (or sensing), and it left things feeling rather hollow. This spilled over into dialogue that felt a bit forced. Bear in mind, however, building a world from the ground up (even with the Bionicle universe as a backdrop) is a task in itself, and I am the last person to underplay the skill involved and required to do so. Still, this epic needs a greater attention to detail, in terms of sensory experiences, imagery, and enhancing the dialogue. Reread everything a character says back to yourself, out loud, before deciding to let a character say it. If it feels forced, or awkward, change it.Writing is about building upon your experience, and learning from where you went wrong. But like any other skill, the amount of time you put in to mastering an art form will be reflected in your application of it. This is a good start, Zorrakh, and I wish you the best going further.-Ced

Curse you SpellCheck, you have failed me again...I guess I just need to take a closer look before submitting stuff. :P I do use Microsoft Word, so I guess there are some things it just doesn't pick up.I think perhaps the problem I have with giving feelings for the character is that it in iitself feels forced, but I'll see what I can do. It will definitely be something I need to work on, especially with what I have planned for my story. Maybe one thing is that in this first chapter it was mostly focused on members of the Marak Nui military, so I didn't exactly want to have those kinds of feelings showing because of disipline, but it will be something I focus on in later chapters.Thank you for your feedback, it is definitely helpful. :)Oh, and I spell it "Grey" because I like the spelling better. :P

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