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REVIEW: Kara-Nui

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chapter two is up

and i went back and edited chapter one slightly to clarify something and remove an awkward line (i had izel's first line end with 'he began' and then his dialogue stopped, which makes no sense), go ahead and give it a reread if you like

a note, in case anyone wonders: the unseen voice is unknowable; it isn't makuta, or a makuta. think of it like the ahamkara in destiny. that isn't a spoiler, i just don't want anyone expecting a twist somewhere down the line


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Six Kingdoms: Rebirth profiles: Nale Rose Jutori Korio Triage
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On 11/20/2019 at 11:07 AM, Terrorsaur said:

Another good chapter, I'm anxious to see who gets the Toa stone and if it's even someone we've met yet. And I love the way the decree was written

it's entirely possible the bearer of the toa stone is someone we've already met, but i could always be fooling you ;) that decree was one of my favorite parts of the chapter to write--it comes up a couple times in there, but i wanted to establish that arrec not only wants his title of 'last toa' to stay true, but that he's deathly afraid of it being a misnomer one day

been thinking about updating the first post in this review topic to be an overview of the universe this story takes place in, just to clear up some things and go into detail about stuff that probably won't come up later without the use of heavy and boring exposition (kara-nui's history before the toa civil war for example). not sure yet though


(and i've made a couple mocs of characters in the story that i might share in this topic in the future...)

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Six Kingdoms: Rebirth profiles: Nale Rose Jutori Korio Triage
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chapter five is UP

this one took a few days and after some personal deliberation of whether i wanted to keep writing this story, i soldiered on. this chapter has far more effort put in, after days plural writing it and changing things or fixing errors rather than a singular day of writing and hoping for the best. no more 'jesus take the wheel' writing, if i could put it in humorous terms.

and hey. something actually happens

i have also debated on changing the title of the epic itself if possible because that tagline is silly, but we'll see if my feelings change eventually.

Edited by King of Kings

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Six Kingdoms: Rebirth profiles: Nale Rose Jutori Korio Triage
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Just read this whole thing and I have to say I quite enjoy it. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I enjoy seeing things people do things in Bionicle that we never got to see in the story, like a dictator Toa running an island. The only criticism I would offer at this time would be to separate different characters' dialogue into separate paragraphs so it clearer to see that someone new is speaking. Other than that, I really like it.


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thanks! yes, that's a bit of a problem i noticed myself, not sure what i was thinking a few months ago haha. might go back and edit the first few chapters to not be like that but rest assured the dialogue will be better spaced in the coming parts


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