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Posted Feb 14 2012 - 01:48 PM
Posted Feb 15 2012 - 12:42 PM
It's a bit complicated to explain, with spoilers and whatnot, but they'll come eventually! I might add that this is taking place quite a ways into the future.....
Quite cool..... the Behemoth sounds Awesome. But where are the stromlings?
Posted Nov 27 2012 - 09:04 PM
You did this throughout the entire story: that period should be a comma: when you're writing it so the sentence is completed with a description of how the person is saying something or suchlike, then it's a comma. If you're going to start an entirely new sentence, then the period belongs.
“Yep. Apparently, it gives the wearer ‘control over the forces of ice’.” Replied Drake.
Using both 'though' and 'of course' in one sentence looks a little repetitive.
He was pursuing an outstandingly valuable weapon called the Ancient Fang, which had been juggled back and forth between his crew and the band of elites known as the Black Mercenaries. This morning he had lost the Fang to them again. Though not without a fight, of course.
I found this confusing. Perhaps "He bared slightly to the right, calling a passing greeting to a fellow driver whose Snow-Trekker was stopped nearby."
He bared slightly to the right and greeted a fellow driver whose Snow-trekker was stopped nearby.
This could also be reworded.
manufactured goods were made. Drake gazed at the minifigures manning drills, presses, vices, and welders of all kinds, spraying sparks and debris on to lower levels.
'But' would look better.
The Coalition was in charge of maintaining order and safety in the Fortress and outlying areas. Drake didn’t consider himself a part of them, since he was officially a member of the defense and exploration group known as Venture Company, although the two were closely tied.
Please, put Drake's words in a separate paragraph, it looks too squashed together.
“I hope you aren’t planning on stealing the Fang back.” Tarx said sternly. “Not really. Just wondering who finally ends up getting it.” Drake replied. “C’mon, let’s head home.”
Here and several other times you forget to capitalize the 'i'.
“You know, i heard they sold three of those lighting tridents to a group of Aquanition thugs, then stole em’ all back the next day!” Jimmy exclaimed.
They could be in the same paragraph, since he's speaking both times. Also, using Drake twice is repetitive.Overall, this is a story I found to be decent; with touching up on the descriptions, grammar, and characters, I think it could be quite good.
“Ok, you’ve got a deal.” Drake said, although he wasn’t particularly happy about it.“Where exactly is Rogin?” Drake asked.
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