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Aftermath: Review Topic

lego universe fan fiction

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Ringoster

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Posted Feb 14 2012 - 01:48 PM

Here's the review topic for my epic, Aftermath.-Story Topic-
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#2 Offline The Lonesome Wanderer

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Posted Feb 14 2012 - 05:34 PM

Quite cool..... the Behemoth sounds Awesome. But where are the stromlings?
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"Go beyond the impossible, and kick reason to the curb! That's how Team Gurren rolls!"



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#3 Offline Ringoster

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Posted Feb 15 2012 - 12:42 PM

Quite cool..... the Behemoth sounds Awesome. But where are the stromlings?

It's a bit complicated to explain, with spoilers and whatnot, but they'll come eventually! I might add that this is taking place quite a ways into the future.....

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#4 Offline Zarayna

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 09:04 PM

Reading this brought back memories of my days playing Lego Universe; ahh good times, although I wish I'd been able to play more.Anyways, I found this story to be quite good; I liked the setting a lot, and the plot was fairly good. The writing was where your weakest point was, but overall I wouldn't rate this story as terrible.The main character seems to be the kind of look-through-the-eyes-of character; he doesn't have a very in depth personality, but provides a window for the reader to see the world. If that was what you were aiming at, then good. If not? Ahh well then.The writing itself was greatly lacking descriptionwise; I'd personally like to see a clear description of some of those vehicles as they sound rather vague. The character descriptions also need some expanding. Aside from that, the writing was simple but good at first, although it went gradually went downhill. Descriptions and thoughts I think could greatly improve this story: descriptions to build the world, and thoughts to build the characters.The plot is very simple, but it works; I have no problem with the fortune hunter setting, and I quite like it in fact. Granted the story could do with a little tweaking to make it more suspenseful and captivating in areas such as Drake finding the Fang, but really, it's not too bad.Grammar? That needs quite a bit of work. You have some reoccurring errors, and some minor spelling errors.

“Yep. Apparently, it gives the wearer ‘control over the forces of ice’.” Replied Drake.

You did this throughout the entire story: that period should be a comma: when you're writing it so the sentence is completed with a description of how the person is saying something or suchlike, then it's a comma. If you're going to start an entirely new sentence, then the period belongs.

He was pursuing an outstandingly valuable weapon called the Ancient Fang, which had been juggled back and forth between his crew and the band of elites known as the Black Mercenaries. This morning he had lost the Fang to them again. Though not without a fight, of course.

Using both 'though' and 'of course' in one sentence looks a little repetitive.

He bared slightly to the right and greeted a fellow driver whose Snow-trekker was stopped nearby.

I found this confusing. Perhaps "He bared slightly to the right, calling a passing greeting to a fellow driver whose Snow-Trekker was stopped nearby."

manufactured goods were made. Drake gazed at the minifigures manning drills, presses, vices, and welders of all kinds, spraying sparks and debris on to lower levels.

This could also be reworded.

The Coalition was in charge of maintaining order and safety in the Fortress and outlying areas. Drake didn’t consider himself a part of them, since he was officially a member of the defense and exploration group known as Venture Company, although the two were closely tied.

'But' would look better.

“I hope you aren’t planning on stealing the Fang back.” Tarx said sternly. “Not really. Just wondering who finally ends up getting it.” Drake replied. “C’mon, let’s head home.”

Please, put Drake's words in a separate paragraph, it looks too squashed together.

“You know, i heard they sold three of those lighting tridents to a group of Aquanition thugs, then stole em’ all back the next day!” Jimmy exclaimed.

Here and several other times you forget to capitalize the 'i'.

“Ok, you’ve got a deal.” Drake said, although he wasn’t particularly happy about it.“Where exactly is Rogin?” Drake asked.

They could be in the same paragraph, since he's speaking both times. Also, using Drake twice is repetitive.Overall, this is a story I found to be decent; with touching up on the descriptions, grammar, and characters, I think it could be quite good.

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