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Broken Unity: Review


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#1 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 10 2012 - 06:58 PM

Broken Unity

The Review Topic

Recent Events
Spoiler
Character NotesExa-NuiToa ExaTorith (TOOR-ith) – Male Toa Exa of Fire, and the leader of the Toa Exa. The defender of Ta-Wahi, Torith can control the element of fire and wields a pair of long swords, as well as boot additions that allow him to channel his elemental powers through his feet. A dutiful Toa and somewhat of an idol in Ta-Wahi, Torith manages to hold the respect of his villagers with relative ease, though occasionally yearns for his past life.Levrok (lehv-rock) – Male Toa Exa of Air. The guardian of Le-Wahi, Levrok is usually lax and cheerful, though easily slips into a more serious, yet tranquil fury when the need arises. He utilizes a pair of wings and a half-moon spear along with his ability to control air. A scope is built into his mask, allowing him to perform scouting duties from the air, and like Torith, possesses boot additions.Kra-WahiMakutaJaeda (JAY-duh) – Female Makuta, and one of the two primary watchers of Kra-Wahi and Exa-Nui. The older sibling and almost polar opposite of Xaeda, Jaeda seeks to protect the Orbs from Tarius.Xaeda (ZAY-duh) – Male Makuta; one of the two primary keepers of peace on Exa-Nui and in Kra-Wahi. The physical brawn to Jaeda’s extreme intelligence, Xaeda seeks to protect the Orbs from Tarius.Dark HuntersDága (DAY-guh; “Dusk”) – Male Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa. Possesses control over the element of fire and the ability to turn transparent. Wears a Kanohi Kualsi, the Mask of Quick Travel, and wields a pair of long swords in combat. A very cautious individual, Dága prefers to keep to himself and shows respect where it is due, though jealousy in the past has caused him to turn to a life with the Dark Hunters as opposed to his original calling. He seems to possess a fairly bad temper when faced with specific things, such as Artanians.“Huntress” – Female Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa, now transformed into a monstrous individual. Possesses control over ice, and has an odd liking for Kraata, which apparently have special effects on her when ingested. An apparently absentminded individual, Huntress is nevertheless a capable fighter and strategist when she needs to be.“Pharaoh” – Female Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa who abandoned her duty to the island due to a lack of appreciation for her abilities from the villagers. Possesses elemental sand powers and can speak in an ancient language. Is, apparently, very prideful of both her appearance and her abilities.“Grim” – Male Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa who left the island with a broken and bitter heart. Can control the element of air and possesses a spider-like lower body, which was gained from experiments by the Dark Hunters. Bears a sly and silver tongue, being able to worm his way out of almost any situation.“Fraction” – Male Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa, whose short temper led to him being ostracized by the villagers of Exa-Nui in favor of his partner. Controls the element of earth, in direct contrast to the abilities of flight granted to him by the wings that have been implanted onto his back. Speaks with a slow drawl, though is not unintelligent.“Shifter” – Male Dark Hunter; formerly a Toa Exa, though left the island when his desire for fame, glory, and wealth overtook his sense of duty. Possesses limited control over water, due to the heavy modifications made to him. As a result of these, he has been granted a completely mechanical body that is capable of shape-shifting via component rearrangement. He is suspicious of the Makutas’ intentions, feelings which he has partially shared with Dusk. Further, he refuses to allow others to see him.Makuta ServantsKadris (KAH-driss) – Male, six-armed servant of Makuta Jaeda and Xaeda. Has a very mechanical personality, and serves the Makuta without question. Wears a Kanohi of an unknown power.Shendus (SHEN-duss) – Male, six-armed servant of the Makuta. Basically the same as Kadris, though has a warrior’s personality and isn’t afraid to give his opinion on the actions of others. Wields a crossbow and a pair of curved swords, as well as an unknown Kanohi."The Voice" – Male being, unknown species. Seems to be a military leader for the Makuta, or someone who assigns missions for the Dark Hunters in their name.OthersSeekersTarius (tuh-RYE-us) – Male Toa of Magnetism. Seeks the Orbs of Exaina for some unknown purpose. Reportedly, his group has caused numerous problems in the past. Tarius appears to be a fairly quiet individual, with a tendency to pause often when he speaks. Despite bearing an overall pleasant personality, there always seems to be something... off... about him. Wields a rapier and wears a Kanohi Elda, Mask of Detection.“The Gentleman” – Male Ondarian. A bounty hunter and a member of the Guild of Tyis on Kai-Nam, the Gentleman is working for Tarius as a member of the Seekers due to his belief in helping others when they request it, regardless of pay or the nature of the job itself, viewing it as his duty--similar to that of a Toa. A respectable fellow, he always keeps true to his word, particularly in duels. Wields a rapier and wears an unknown mask.Unaffiliated"The Mime" A mysterious, male Artanian who has been keeping tabs on Torith for an unknown amount of time. With a face shrouded in darkness, it is unknown what Kanohi he wears, though he possesses a strange pair of gloves and the ability to create what seem to be invisible sheets of solidified air.Laorus (LAO-russ; "The Paladin") – Female Siorun; seems to be a hollow suit of armor given life. Visiting Exa-Nui from her home island of Kayun, as a way to experience “actual life,” Laorus is a fairly icy individual on the outside, though, as Levrok has discovered, warms up fairly quickly if the effort is made to get to know her. Wields a halberd, on which a mass of glowing, blue lines are etched.--Doro (DOOR-oh) – Male, boar-like Rahi. The faithful steed of Laorus, Doro, too, is essentially a hollow shell, with dozens of blue lines on his body and massive tusks jutting from his mouth. His loyalty to Laorus is unmatched.Therapon (THERE-uh-pawn) – Male Skakdi of Light. A priest and traveling preacher, spreading the word of the 'Holy One,' Therapon came to Le-Exa with news of its approaching destruction, though his antics have not earned him much positive favor. Wields the elemental power of Light, which he can channel through his scepter, and possesses the uncanny ability to entrance dozens, possibly hundreds of beings at once, causing them to focus on him, as well as an unknown vision power.Chapter List
    [*]Prologue[*]The Village of Fire[*]The Lure[*]The Mime[*]The Two Warriors[*]The White Market[/list]Trivia
      [*]This epic is a rewritten and updated version of Parugi’s original Broken Unity epic. As a result, it possesses several new characters, plots and information that were not present in the original; this is to keep it consistent with Parugi’s more recent works, such as Night Ride and Day Run: The Garden.[*]Part of the same continuity as Kal the Guardian’s Robot and Rahkshi and Slicer1234’s Thaken, Gladiator and The Order, as well as Parugi’s RPGs Night Ride and Day Run: The Garden and their tie-in short stories, One and The Report. Through the inclusion of several original characters belonging to Parugi, it is also unofficially related to Kumata’s RPG and epic Tournament of Shadows/Absolute Chronicle, and The Power that Is’s RPG Island of Pain.[/list]CreditsOh boy. First off, I’d like to offer my apologies and thanks to anyone who was following the original Broken Unity with the expectation that I was going to finish it. You certainly drove me forward in writing the story, but as things turned out, I ended up painting myself into a corner that I couldn’t figure out a way to get out of. For that, I am sorry, but this rewrite should hopefully soften the anger or annoyance a little bit – I can promise that it won’t disappoint.I’d also like to thank a number of people, both on and off of BZPower, for inspiring me to write both incarnations of Broken Unity. Specifically, my biggest thanks go to Slicer1234, Kal the Guardian, Kumata Nuva, The Power that Is, Eyru, Takuta-Nui and my friend Rekktor; without your guys’ influence in various RPGs, epics and just plain conversation, I probably wouldn’t have written nearly as much of BU as I had, and I certainly wouldn’t have considered a remake otherwise.

      Edited by X. Luxord, Aug 25 2012 - 04:29 PM.

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#2 Offline Kal the Guardian

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Posted Mar 13 2012 - 05:00 PM

Seventh paragraph, "Do doubt they were plotting something..." Perhaps you meant "No doubt"?Tenth paragraph, "The rocky cliffs that outline most of Kra-Wahi..." That just sounds weird to me. Maybe "outlined" would be better.Fifteenth paragraph, "...he was already getting back vibes off of this..." Bad vibes, unless back vibes are an actual thing that never stoped being true.Seventeenth paragraph, "Metallic clinks and clangs sounded as metal bumped against metal, as the Dark Hunters’ possessions bumped against each other inside of their satchels." The comma in there creates an awkward pause. I would take the comma out or re-write the sentence.Arg, so many paragraphs! "The group emerged from the bottom of the staircase, into a surprisingly well-lit hallway." I just don't know about this one. The comma makes it awkward, but I realize I might do the same thing to a sentence like that.Ha! Dusk staring at Kadris's arms was the best."They walked for some time through that hallway, aware of the mechanical movements behind them that signaled Shift’s presence, though never looked back..." The "though never looked back" should probably be "thought they never looked back". Otherwise it is just confusing.I like all the Kadris "clones". Although I notice that you don't always capitalize hunter when it's alone, in reference, of course, to the Dark Hunters.Ah, and the Day Run reference. Booyeah!"You will get a grand tour tomorrow; after that, we much begin our mission." I think you meant, "we must begin our mission."Overall, ten times better than your opening from the old topic. I must say that it's cool to see you progress as a writer. I absolutely loved it and look forward to the next chapter.
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Under Reconstruction

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#3 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 14 2012 - 08:42 PM

Grammar mishaps shall be fixed... sometime. When I'm not busy. xp But thank you for pointing them out. ^_^The arms thing was meant to be awkward. I hope it succeeded. :PSo many Kadrises. Makes you wonder why there seems to be only one left as of Day Run/Night Ride... And he's not the only reference to an RPG--though the others have yet to come!Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Expect another update the Saturday after this upcoming one. ^_^
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -


#4 Offline Cosmic Titan

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Posted Mar 23 2012 - 07:52 PM

Wow that is inspiring. I can see this was not hastily written. The character's desriptions are so good and I can picture them in my head.I'm just a little confused on the backstory. Is it supposed to be a mystery on what happened or should I have read something else first? Either way it is brilliant.
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#5 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 12:02 AM

Chapter 1 up. ^_^Pagaon: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it; as you noted, I'm working very hard on the descriptions this time around, as I want to really flesh out my characters in this version. :)The backstory is something that will be explained in the future, so it won't be clear for the moment. Rest assured, you'll understand and know a lot more once things start picking up.
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -


#6 Offline Kal the Guardian

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 11:18 AM

Right before the robed being watches Torith, "He cast a quick look around the room before closing the door, making sure it lock it before leaving." Lock? Fixing is needed. :PWow, those air stairs are cool. I'm not sure why he didn't just have the air lift him or help him jump, but meh, the coolness factor makes it not matter.I must say that I am thoroughly impressed with this chapter. The way you describe his life and the area around him is perfect. I feel as if I am reading a published book. You give hints to his past, you weave in some things we know have happened or will happen, and you make the life a Toa feel normal, as if, "Duh, this is the life of a normal Toa".
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Under Reconstruction

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#7 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 04:05 PM

And here I thought I had caught all of the errors this chapter... :PYou'll see why... next chapter, I believe. I'll give a hint: He doesn't have air powers. ;)Thank you! Once again, I'm striving for awesome description this time around, so there's a lot more in store for Broken Unity. And if this is the first two chapters, imagine what the story as a whole will be like. ^_^
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -


#8 Offline Kal the Guardian

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 05:28 PM

I must admit that the archived version confused me greatly and I had a hard time remembering any characters for an extended period of time. Half the time I didn't realize what was going on and the other half I spent wondering where that stuff was happening. This is a definate improvement.
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Under Reconstruction

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#9 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 05:32 PM

Good to know. That confusion probably had something to do with my erratic updating. And the fact that I was constantly changing my plans for the story. Which won't be the case this time. :P
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -


#10 Offline Kal the Guardian

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Posted Apr 20 2012 - 03:37 PM

Ok, here we go."Dusk couldn’t help but notice the stares that several villagers gaze the caravan as it moved through the steadily-crowding streets of Ta-Exa." Gaze?Love how Dusk burns his home.I like the little sequence where Torith easily subdued those Steltians. Very fast and showcasing his skill.Oh, the fight sequence was staged, very nice. Aaaand I think I know who is observing him, or who that person is associated with.Yeah, another great chapter with more small insights into the island(s?) and those now inhabiting it.
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#11 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 06:03 PM

Fixed.Same here. I think it says quite a bit about his character. ^-^Yup yup. If you pay close attention to that fight, there's actually a cameo by a certain canon Steltian Dark Hunter... :PIndeed it was. Althoguh your guess as to who it is is wrong--you haven't seen them before. ;) Read for new chapter for an explanation.Slowly shifting into more action-oriented story-telling makes that so much easier. :P Expect a shift in location next chapter--and the appearance of a very familiar character.Thanks again for the review, Kal! ^_^
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -


#12 Offline Cosmic Titan

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 07:59 PM

“It seems that the street wasn’t as empty as we had thought; a group of Matoran is with Torith as we speak.

I'm not the best with grammar but I think that 'is' should be 'are'. Other than that it looks flawless to me.I really liked how you described day to day life as a Toa for Torith. I have never thought of day to day life for Toa or any Bionicle characters really but you really made the Toa seem more real and I think that is brilliant.Did Dusk make the fire tainted because he knew it would knock out Torith?The story looks great so far. I really like how well thought out and how well described the characters are.

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#13 Offline ZOMBI3S

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 11:41 AM

I have to admit, I usually don't read other people's epics. I take one look at them and find they are too hastily written, or are way too lengthy and in depth for the casual Bionicle fan that I am. However, you've managed to grab my attention with this. You have a very nice balance of action, description, and plot, and I can picture the environments and characters very well. I loved the dark atmosphere you presented the prologue in, as well as the characters of Dusk, his team, and the Makuta. You gave them believable emotions, such as jealousy, suspicion, even attraction, and this is something I don't often find here in the Epics forum. Even though I've only seen a few chapters, I have to say I'm sucked in, and would like to read more.Keep up the good work!
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#14 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted May 19 2012 - 04:26 PM

Chapter 4, "The Two Warriors," is now up, after being delayed. Enjoy!Paragon: Thanks for pointing that out; I'll fix i soon. ^_^Yeah, that's not something a lot of people really look into, and as I'm trying to flesh out the Day/Night Run universe more, I figured I would touch on that--and more--as Broken Unity goes on. regardless, glad you're enjoying it!The tainted fire is actually something that'll be explained later--though if you read the last version of BU, then you might be able to guess a possible reason/cause of it already.Thanks a ton! :)ZOMBI3S: I'm honored that you think Broken Unity is so well done; thanks! ^_^Yeah, as I've said before, my aim with the story this time is to really explore my characters and such and test my writing abilities, and by the sounds of it, I seem to be pulling that off. Hopefully--and this is honestly my only concern at the moment--I'll be able to keep the balance that I've established at this point.Again, thanks for the review, and I hope you stick around--I've got a lot of interesting and fun plots in mind. ^_^
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~ Night Ride ~ Day Run: The Garden (I II III) ~ Perpetual ~ Rise of the Rockets (I II)/Discussion Topic ~

~ One ~ The Report ~

~ Broken Unity/Review ~

000 - 001 - 002 - 003 - 004 - 005 - 006 - 007 - 008 - 009 - 010 - 011 - 012 - 013 - 014 - 015 - 016 - 017 - 018 - 019 - 020 - 021 - 022 - 023 - 024 - 025 - 026

 - Decaia Holts - Vidinia LeJauso - Raimundo Rojo - Melanie Garven - Melissa Garven- ??? - ??? -





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