Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

Lego Exo-Force Book 2: Golden City Origins (Review Topic)

Exo Force Exo Force Exo-Force Golden City Robots Manga Anime

  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline joev14

joev14
  • Members
  • Stalwart Defender

  • 23-August 10
  • 446 posts
  •  

Posted May 16 2012 - 08:44 PM

You can read my book here!: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=4845Please give me some feedback, don't be afraid to be a critique!
  • 0

Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg.usro_photo.jpg

Bionicle: ANP aims to create audiobook versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various media to enhance the story. Check here if you're interested in voicing a character, and here for the chapters that've already been released!

Bionicle: USRO, is a list designed for immersing both new and old fans of Bionicle in the various pieces of lore. Whether you're a new fan wondering how to get started, or an old fan who's looking to review the series in chronological order, you'll want to check this out!


#2 Offline Cederak

Cederak
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 17-September 05
  • 4,147 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted May 21 2012 - 08:54 PM

Hello again, joev14, here is part 2 of your official ECC review. Once I finished Golden City Origins, I don’t agree with your statement that these two stories needed to be critiqued by the same person. While both The Gorge and Golden City Origins occur during different eras in the Exo-Force universe, they are disconnected to the point that I’m entirely certain I could read and understand Golden City without knowing about Gorge. Anyway, let’s talk story issues. First off, I should’ve mentioned this in part 1, but the walls of text you created throughout both epics should really be condensed into smaller chunks. It’s easier to read that way.

Ilana aimed her sphere canon at the Blade Titan, firing a shot at it.

sphere cannon

(Insert Elevator Music Here!)

Much like your little comment in Gorge, this ruined the pacing of a serious moment.Y’know, I love a good prequel as much as anyone and I think it was nice to see you showcasing your talents when you have a bit more space to breathe. Gorge was claustrophobic compared to what you were able to come up with in Golden City. I’ll admit, your dialogue remains stunted and flat, but you gave your characters a bit more personality this time around. The plot plays upon the dynamic between the Exo-Force and the robots and takes us back a century or so, where humans are still plagued by machines. Hence, they have their own array of mechs to battle with. I’m still rather curious if the mechs predated the machines or if it was the other way around, but I suppose that doesn’t matter much.It’s hard for me to say too much regarding Golden City, because your writing skills remain relatively the same as in Gorge. The major difference is that your canvas was larger this time and you made excellent use of that. There’s still a notable lack of detail regarding scenery and the world around your characters, opting to only describe the finer points of mech battle. I’ve already outlined where you need improvement and what is working, now you just need to utilize and practice your skills.-Ced

  • 0

#3 Offline joev14

joev14
  • Members
  • Stalwart Defender

  • 23-August 10
  • 446 posts
  •  

Posted May 21 2012 - 09:28 PM

Hello again, joev14, here is part 2 of your official ECC review. Once I finished Golden City Origins, I don’t agree with your statement that these two stories needed to be critiqued by the same person. While both The Gorge and Golden City Origins occur during different eras in the Exo-Force universe, they are disconnected to the point that I’m entirely certain I could read and understand Golden City without knowing about Gorge. Anyway, let’s talk story issues. First off, I should’ve mentioned this in part 1, but the walls of text you created throughout both epics should really be condensed into smaller chunks. It’s easier to read that way.Y’know, I love a good prequel as much as anyone and I think it was nice to see you showcasing your talents when you have a bit more space to breathe. Gorge was claustrophobic compared to what you were able to come up with in Golden City. I’ll admit, your dialogue remains stunted and flat, but you gave your characters a bit more personality this time around. The plot plays upon the dynamic between the Exo-Force and the robots and takes us back a century or so, where humans are still plagued by machines. Hence, they have their own array of mechs to battle with. I’m still rather curious if the mechs predated the machines or if it was the other way around, but I suppose that doesn’t matter much.

The mechs you see in this book are eventually used by the Exo-Force team later on, and the robots use the battle machines left by the Chronoids on the southern half of the mountain.

It’s hard for me to say too much regarding Golden City, because your writing skills remain relatively the same as in Gorge. The major difference is that your canvas was larger this time and you made excellent use of that. There’s still a notable lack of detail regarding scenery and the world around your characters, opting to only describe the finer points of mech battle. I’ve already outlined where you need improvement and what is working, now you just need to utilize and practice your skills.-Ced

I did feel more open when I was writing this book, and had a lot more ideas to work with since with the exception of Book 4: Ghost of the Past of the canon books, there is no information we know about the Old Golden City Era. I tried my best to keep the book as short as I could as I wrote it, and it came out at about 6,000 words, while The Gorge was at about 4,000, I want to try and keep them all about the same length, and if it had gotten too long I would have probably split it up into two books. Thankfully it didn't :PThanks for your review, I've fixed the grammatical errors that you pointed out, and I'll take into consideration what you pointed out in my next book, Book 3: Peace Origins.

  • 0

Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 .
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

.

My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.

.

audio_narration_project_banner_wide.jpg.usro_photo.jpg

Bionicle: ANP aims to create audiobook versions of all the Bionicle books, with voice actors for each character, and music taken from various media to enhance the story. Check here if you're interested in voicing a character, and here for the chapters that've already been released!

Bionicle: USRO, is a list designed for immersing both new and old fans of Bionicle in the various pieces of lore. Whether you're a new fan wondering how to get started, or an old fan who's looking to review the series in chronological order, you'll want to check this out!





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users