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ShadowBionics

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All right, hey everyone, I'm here again with another story most of you might not read, but I don't care, I feel like writing something new so that's what I'm going to do. And darn it, why can't I stop rhyming?!Anyways, this is based off an idea I had about having someone be a bad comedian, and it was originally going to be someone like Makuta Teridax. I could possibly still do that idea, but I'm not sure if anyone would like it. So instead, I took a character from the Hero Factory line, Von Nebula, who was my next choice anyway. With that said, if any of you find these jokes to be not funny. Well... that's the point. This whole story is a joke within itself. I've just inception'd a massive joke within many other jokes.*A crowd is gathered around a stage, which has a backdrop of Von Nebula and a lone microphone stand. The lights turn on and center themselves at the microphone stand.*Mak Megahertz, via loud speaker: Welcome everyone to the second annual Makuhero City comedy jam. Now on for our first comedian and act for tonight. You know him as a ruthless villain and criminal mastermind, Von Nebula. Von Nebula, everyone.*Von Nebula rises from a trap door located in the center of the stage. He walks up to the microphone stand and takes it for himself.*Von Nebula: Hey, folks, glad to see you're all doing fine tonight. Also glad none of you have been attacked by any criminals that broke out. Huh, am I right?*silence.*Von Nebula: Yeah, because… there was a break out and… there's the Core Hunter guy out there. *Random guy in the audience coughs.*Von Nebula: Uh, right. So you know, I actually started out here at the Hero Factory. I used to work with Thresher and Stormer in those days. Stormer never liked me all that much. He always gave me the cold shoulder when I tried to talk to him. Huh, am I right?*Silence.*Von Nebula: Yeah, since he… shoots ice… I heard one time he turned someone into a block of ice after he told them to freeze. And speaking of that, ever notice that gun he carried before? He had the gun, the ice pick, the buzz saw, and all this other stuff going on. I mean, what didn't he have on that thing, right?*More Silence.*Von Nebula: But, yeah, he doesn't have that thing anymore. You know it's funny how he and his team needed to get upgraded to fight those fire guys, yet they didn't when they fought me. Am I right? And I met the Fire Lord guy. Interesting guy, I must say. I mean, he has antlers that can rival Megatron's and he speaks like he's from Gran Pulse. Because… Fang and Vanille have… that accent. *Still even more silence.*Von Nebula: Hmm… I guess you didn't get the reference. It was Final Fantasy XIII. It was only, like, three years ago since it was released. It's a pretty cool game. Try it out if you can. But yeah, what is the deal with those antlers? With antlers like those, I think he might as well be called "Moose Lord" instead. He looks like a deranged reindeer, I mean.*Crickets chirping.*Von Nebula: You know, the first time I met Breez, I actually didn't know she was a guy until I found out her name. When I saw her name was "Natalie Breez," first thing I thought was "that's not a normal name for a guy character." You know, because that's a girl's name. You have Natalie Portman. Um… Natalie Imbruglia… you know? *Crickets stop chirping, guy coughs.*Von Nebula, singing: Didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression, didn't want to leave you with my last confession… yeah… of love…*Audience stares at him with blank expressions.*Von Nebula: Ever heard that song? It's pretty good, actually. But anyways, at first I wasn't sure what to think of Breez after that. When I spoke to her, I even said how I thought her name was odd until I found out she was a girl. I felt pretty stupid after that. Her 2.0 upgrade only made it worse for me, you know? You know what I mean?Guy: You're lousy.Von Nebula: You won't be so smug when I drain your hero core! But anyways, was I the only one who thought the 2.0 upgrades looked weird? Evo's face looks like part of a locomotive. And hey, Stormer, what does the scouter say about my power level? Huh, am I right? And what about Furno's google eye goggles? You know, I thought his first helmet made him look like a pizza boy. His second helmet, I didn't know what to think. Nex looks like he's trying out for the local football team. Huh, am I right? That part of his helmet… looks like a football helmet. *Audience is silent once more.*Von Nebula: Personally, I think my upgrade was a bit cooler than Stormer's 2.0 upgrade. I mean, I'm much taller than he is and he's only just a little taller than before. Plus I got to keep my arms spikes and I got this special lollypop that creates black holes. Could his weapon do that? I don't think so. If he were here right now, I'd like to tell him a few things. Like… Thanks for the memories. Even if they weren't so great. Stormer and me go way back. He always has to take the glory. I think if he couldn't take the glory once in his life, it would probably kill him. You know, because it's hardwired in his mind. To take the glory. For everything. And to crush my dreams. So then that's when I decided if I couldn't live out my dream, I'd become a criminal mastermind and make sure no one else could live their dreams.Guy: What is your dream?Von Nebula: Partially to be a stand-up comedian. But you don't want to know about my dreams. Thank you all, you've been a wonderful audience.Mak Megahertz: Let's hear it for Von Nebula, everyone. Von Nebula… the criminal mastermind who's also a stand-up comedian. Now, give it up for the half-time act, part-time villain and part-time singing sensation, Black Phantom.*The stage darkens and Black Phantom runs up on stage to the same microphone Von Nebula was at. And then the music starts...*Black Phantom, singing: Hey, I’m Black Phantom, and this is crazy, but I’m so EVIL! I want your factory! It's hard to think right, I’m so crazy, cause I’m so evil, so give up, maybe? Hey, I’m Black Phantom, and this is crazy, but I’m so EVIL! I want your factory! And all the little heroes, want to stop me. But I’m so evil, so give up, maybe?

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  • 3 weeks later...

First of all, every honest effort is excellent by that virtue alone. Secondly, this is a fairly fine one-shot. The idea of characters being put in odd situations which don't conform to their character at all is a staple of the parody, and this one-shot does just that. Von Nebula's jokes may not have been very good, but the Call Me Maybe parody at the end sure made me snicker. I absolutely love parodies, especially when they involve something I like a lot, such as Batman, Star Wars, and, yes, Bionicle.I have not read many of your works, Mr. ShadowBionics, but I know you by reputation. Thus, I can only say to continue with your writing, and that this one-shot is a good addition to your library.Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
- Ecclesiastes 4:12

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Von Nebula: Partially to be a stand-up comedian. But you don't want to know about my dreams. Thank you all, you've been a wonderful audience.
I think this was the best line of the whole piece. Then whole thing was kind of funny in a sad way, keeping Von Nebula in character while epitomizing the stand-upm comedians' epic fail. The thing is, the fact that Von Nebula was so sad probably hurt his proformance, which came from Stormer, which was why that line hit home for me as the punchline to the story.You've done well here.
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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you all for your feedback. Ironically, I did intend to make this as a one-shot story. Then looking at it more, I thought about possibly giving some backstory as to Von Nebula's somewhat convoluted dream (which actually makes little to no sense), as well as his conflict with Stormer. I was somewhat reluctant of sharing this second part since it has a bittersweet taste of tragic comedy (yeah, oxymorons for the win), but I then I thought this short story needed some form of resolution. So here it is, the second part that I named "Von Nebula's Dream Survives."*A crowd is gathered around a stage, which has a backdrop of Von Nebula and a lone microphone stand. The lights turn on and center themselves at the microphone stand.*Black Phantom, over PA: Welcome one and all to the first annual Anti-Hero Factory League Comedy Celebration! Now, let's give it up for your hero, your savior, your brilliant mastermind, Von Nebula!*Von Nebula rises from a trap door in the stage and approaches a microphone stand, taking the microphone for himself.*Von Nebula: Hello, and thank you all for coming. I'm glad to see a little more enthusiasm around here, unlike the last place I did my act at. Anyway, glad to see you all here. So last week, I went to go see a film. I recall it was a horror film. A guy walks up to me and asks me, "Hey, aren't you Von Nebula?" So I told him, "Yeah, I am." So then he asks me about how I escaped my imprisonment. So I told him that I had a very electrifying escape plan. Electrifying. Because…[silence]Vapour, clapping: Whoo! Yeah! Down with heroes!Von Nebula: Yes. Down with the heroes. Anyways, so what is the deal with those hero drop ships?Furno, from the distance: No one wants to hear your stupid jokes!*Von Nebula pauses, and then looks in the direction from where the voice came from. Sure enough, it was from a reserved balcony.*Breez: Your act puts everyone to sleep!*Von Nebula gives a piercing look over to the three heroes who barged in on his act: Furno, Breez, and Stormer…*Von Nebula: Oh, well, no one cares about you, red fire guy. Or your girlfriend. Breez: We are not an item!Von Nebula: The fan-fictions I've read tell me otherwise, little miss airhead. Get it?Furno: Don't even try it.Von Nebula: Well, mister hot head, you're yesterday's news. Everyone is after that gold guy now, that Rocka fellow. Everyone knows it. Your leader, one the other hand… You, we care about, Stormer.Stormer: Don't make me laugh, Von Nebula. Oh, wait… you can't.*random villains laughing at the irony.*Von Nebula: Oh, but you will, because I have a very special joke… just for you.*Before Von Nebula can really do anything, Furno, Breez, and Stormer try to make a hasty escape, only to be blocked off by Rotor and the Fire Lord's cronies.*Von Nebula: No! Wait! Come back! It's really good! Drilldozer: Hello, lovebirds.Breez: Look, we've already been through this.Furno: We are separate!Stormer: Don't let him distract you. We have a mission to do, remember? Furno, take on Rotor.Furno: You mean… alone?Rotor: Oh, ho ho-ho.Von Nebula: No, you get back here and listen to me! And stop re-using jokes from the Hero Factory TV show!Thunder: There is TV show about puny little baby heroes?*Von Nebula growls and he jumps into the air, propelling himself towards the heroes, only for said heroes to break through the barricade of villains and make a dash out the door. Von Nebula goes after them in hot pursuit.*Von Nebula: Come on, I know they're around here someplace.*From out of nowhere, Furno fires at him with his dual fire shooter (which he got back just for this mission) and Breeze attacks him with a few swift motions from her blades.*Von Nebula: Well, good to see you both, but the one I'm really looking for is…*That's when Stormer, in all his XL glory, fires a few ice shots at him.*Von Nebula: Just the guy I was looking for. And good you're in the form you took on Speeda Demon in, because my best joke relates to him.*Furno and Breez throw their cuffs at him, but Von Nebula manages to bat away Furno's cuffs. Breez's however, catch one of his wrists. Von Nebula, with all his strength, manages to keep the other wrist free.*Von Nebula, panting: So, Speeda Demon walks into a car dealership, right? The salesman says, "I appreciate your business, but why are you here? I mean, you have a fast motorcycle."*Furno delivers a few more precise shots at Von Nebula, sending him flying backward towards a window and allowing his other wrist to get caught in the hero cuffs. Von Nebula gets back up, barely able to hold his ground.*Von Nebula, panting: But Speeda Demon… Speeda Demon says--*Before Von Nebula can finish the joke, Stormer does something he realizes too late he would later regret. He fires at Von Nebula with all his might, with intentions of freezing him in his tracks. Instead, Stormer manages not only to freeze him, but to completely blast him out of the window. Terrified, Stormer runs past Furno and Breez and reaches out in an attempt to stop Von Nebula from falling. Von Nebula attempts to reach out towards Stormer, but he cannot as his hands are cuffed together. Breez attempts to fly after Von Nebula, but Stormer holds out his arm, solemnly. He and Von Nebula had a feeling deep down it would boil down to this. All of the other villains rushed out to see Von Nebula crash through the window and him plunge into a deep body of water. As this happens, both Von Nebula and Stormer think back to a time when things seemed simpler and almost happier.**Flashback…*Von Ness: A thought just occurred to me, Stormer. Our universe is full of many different beings who live out their lives, right? All of them must have different tastes and thus different senses of humor. In theory, if one were to bring them all together and perhaps allow them to mingle in such a way, then it would lead to perhaps everyone in our universe to have broader senses of humor. Thus, by doing this, the people brought together will be more likely to laugh at a joke than anyone who was not included in said grouping.Stormer: With all due respect, Von Ness… After all this time… does that even matter anymore?Von Ness: Dreams… never truly die, Stormer…*End Flashback…*Von Ness, voice-over: We just take them to the grave.*Von Nebula's mask drifts up towards the surface and eventually capsizes in the water, face up. Stormer can only look down at the mask, as if it was staring right back at him. He never truly meant for it to end this way, and yet a part of him felt like there was no way to avoid it. Von Ness was so far gone, buried in his insane idea of bringing together various beings with different tastes in order to get them to share a general sense of humor, thus wanting to make them laugh at a joke more than anyone else.*

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I'm going to admit that the first chapter was amazing, but the second chapter wasn't as good. The idea itself really is only a one-off comedy, and it was done really well. The second chapter kinda let it down because you introduced a fight and other less-related bits to it.10/10 for the first part, 7/10 for the second part.

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