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Lewafan21 and the murder of the rich guy


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#1 Offline lewafan21

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Posted Sep 10 2012 - 05:02 PM

I’m Lewafan21,and I’m a hard-boiled detective…Or , at least I’m a detective I was low on money for my comic studio, so my brothers and I made a detective agency. Despite the crazy things that happened around these parts, no one called us. FOR 7 MONTHS. My brothers put up fliers and everything. At least, they should have. But somehow, we got a call. It was a British matoran; he said we needed to come over right away. So we sped over there, thanks to toa crimson’s kakama , and the rich guy showed us in. he wore a gold monocle with a tux, top hat, and cane, A common stereotype of a rich guy. But anyway, he said his name was Georg (GAY-ORG) and his brother had been murdered. The house obviously showed a struggle. Furniture tipped over, pictures on the floor (I could have sworn they were arranged into some pattern), and some broken glass. My brothers strayed into the backyard, so I followed them, naturally, and I saw a mound of dirt in the yard, Georg said that a stray dog dug in the backyard the night his brother was murdered. When I asked to see the body he said it had already been taken away for autopsy. When I asked when this happened, he said last night. Strange, I thought. The cleanup guys usually have the bodies taken 24 hours after a murder so the police can see the damage. But before I could think any further, he continued by describing the criminal, which shows he was there during the crime. He wore all black, and he shouted, “ the NGC has been avenged!” after he committed the crime.I noticed Georg’s mask was dented in the top left (he wore a peach noble ruru , by the way), he said he got it by trying to save his brother but was knocked aside. Then he started to cry babbling about how he could’ve saved him, I comforted him by saying we’ll avenge his brother’s death and left the house to talk to our suspects. As we sped to our first suspect, we had one more piece of evidence that Georg gave us before we left, “his mask had curve at the top.” So we know it’s an NGC member who has a Hau or a Miru like mine, which doesn’t narrow it down by much since there are three Miru wearers and three Hau wearers in the NGC. but still, that crosses a lot of them off, but there’s another one that isn’t a Miru or a Hau, Darklight… Darklight likes guns and killing people. In fact, he tried to kill me once,with a sheep and a missile. I despise that sheep; I still have the bite mark on my butt! But anyway we casually checked on him and he said he had been out on the night in question, but he was at his local McDonalds. He had a receipt and everything, even let me keep it too. His alibi was good, but I still kept an eye out for him. Especially when he said, “good luck with your detective agency!”I never told him I had one… We went back to the mansion for clues; we found the will and rich guy did include georg in the will. The dead rich guy’s suit was gone from the wardrobe , why would Georg wear his brother’s suit? I’m sure he had enough money to buy his own… We went to the cleanup guys so we could see the body, but strange enough it wasn’t there. Just then I thought I had solved the case, but just to be sure I went to the six suspects’ comic studios. Each case was clean, with some form of evidence for an alibi. When I asked darcsyde what that ‘the NGC has been avenged’ thing was about he said, “the rich guy in question was going to give us money for equipment and stuff, but at the last minute he cancelled because of forum downtime. We all were ok with it except Darklight and LNU” he explained “darklight was going to build a Jacuzzi and LNU was going to throw a big party with pinky pie, but he got over it. At least, I think he did.” Since I was in the area we decided to stop by the McDonalds in darklight’s area.There weren’t any McDonalds in that whole town…That night I assembled the suspects in the mansion. suspiciously Darklight nor Georg made it…but anyway, before I said the culprit I asked LNU how pinky pie’s doin’.“Oh she’s fine,” he flustered. “She’s been playin’ music, partyin’, eating lots of grass’’“You’re under arrest!” I shouted, cuffing him“Hey! What’d he do?” asked Darcsyde“Pinky pie doesn’t eat grass, LNU. Or should I say GEORG…?!” I said pulling off the mask.“ I Knew it!” cried Biocryptid21“.. .Or should I say DARKLIGHT?!” I said pulling off another mask.“Knew it!” cried Darcsyde“But Darklight,” asked Autodragon. “Why?”“Allow me to explain…” I said “Darklight’s hate for the rich dude must have been great, so great that he could murder him, but he must of fought it ‘till he heard Georg was in the will. So he put on a miru a stealth outfit and basically did a hit and run, but the hit being beat him up till he died. Then he buried him in the yard later to hide evidence.”“Then, after the real Georg called us in and we were in the back yard, darklight kidnapped him and was disguised as him for the rest of the time in hope to become filthy rich and splurge it on that Jacuzzi he wanted so badly. But since we were in the picture he threw us off, so far as to even give us a false clue, make a fake receipt, kidnap LNU and disguise as him!”“For the record, that was a real receipt” Darklight interrupted. “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for forum downtime and your stupid economic needs!“Good thing I called the police.” I said as I heard sirens “I’ll let them take care of you”After Georg and LNU were freed, Georg gave me and my brothers a large sum of money as a reward. We permanently paid off the rent and threw a party, and STILL had a truckload of money!So, is this the end of detective lewafan21? I don’t know, we’ll let fate find out…The end?
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#2 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Sep 10 2012 - 07:07 PM

I think this has the potential to be a good story, but unfortunately, the story is rife with typographical errors. :( It looks like you had an idea, wrote it out really fast, and then forgot to proofread before posting. Most of the issues I can find are either punctuation errors or run-on sentences. For example, this:

I’m Lewafan21,and I’m a hard-boiled detective…Or , at least I’m a detective

Should be

I'm Lewafan21, and I'm a hard-boiled detective ... well, maybe not hard-boiled. But at least I'm a detective.

There are some other places where the beginnings of sentences aren't capitalized, and some words in the sentences that are capitalized but shouldn't be. A good proofread can save you a lot of critique and net you better reviews in the future. :)In addition, I found the plot to rush along at certain points and slow down around others.

I was low on money for my comic studio, so my brothers and I made a detective agency. Despite the crazy things that happened around these parts, no one called us. FOR 7 MONTHS. My brothers put up fliers and everything. At least, they should have. But somehow, we got a call. It was a British matoran; he said we needed to come over right away.

These seven months go by very quickly, in the space of a sentence that's actually more of a phrase, but considering people use it individually in everyday speech, I'll let you slide on that. You might want to consider inserting a scene where they're just sitting around doing nothing.The sentence "But somehow, we got a call," is kind of awkward. It'd be best to split that into a new paragraph and replace it with something along the lines of "Finally, the long wait was over. We got a call."If you wish to emphasize a word or a phrase, it's a good rule to avoid the underline. Italics can be used both for thought and to lend emphasis, so you don't have to worry about readers becoming confused.I do like the Pinkie Pie cameo, as Pinkie Pie is the best pony.

Edited by Charles J. Guiteau, Sep 10 2012 - 07:07 PM.

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#3 Offline lewafan21

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Posted Sep 11 2012 - 01:52 PM

your advice has been noted for when (and if) i make another, this was originally for school but i adapted it for this, i'll edit that stuff later
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