Edited by Oniaku, Oct 29 2012 - 12:19 PM.
Review: Daybreak Flower
Posted Oct 29 2012 - 12:10 AM
Posted Oct 29 2012 - 10:29 AM
‘payed’ to ‘paid’, or ‘well paying’, or ‘paid well’.
Watchers were well liked, greatly respected, and well payed.
‘dissapointing’ to ‘disappointing’, an easy typo fix.That’s all I have for you today. If you take away anything from this reply, it should be to keep with it. I’ll keep an eye on this epic to see where you take this. Good job so far =)P.S. Could you also put a link to your story topic into your review topic, and vice versa? It makes navigaton easier for your readers.
!" I gazed down quickly at my dissapointing shade of green, and slowly walked out behind her.
Edited by Eponine, Oct 29 2012 - 10:30 AM.
"Pip, Flitter, and Flap landed gracefully on a branch.
Stellaluna tried to do the same. But she was not as graceful. How embarrassing!
"I will fly all day, Then no one will see how clumsy I am." ~Janelle Cannon
Posted Oct 29 2012 - 12:15 PM
Posted Oct 30 2012 - 01:08 AM
you who tempt the fates
you have journeyed oh so far
to apparitions in the haze
rise up, you earth bound demons
rise up before me now and fight
your time has finally come
Posted Nov 02 2012 - 09:22 PM
I don't think "Job" should be capitalized.
As a Watcher, that was my Job.
heard them tell
I had heard tell of other places,
to say the least
It was an uneventful day, tot say the least.
recognizing me as a watcher.
well-liked, greatly respected, and well-paid.
Watchers were well liked, greatly respected, and well paid.
a stray rahi might kill us,
I walked into the Watchers Department,
The fragment after the colon is not an independent clause, so "Rope" should not be capitalized.
my various supplies: Rope, a couple of crude staff-like weapons, and thorn-spikes, just to name a few.
"Blue" doesn't need to be capitalized and remove the comma in the second sentence.
where a Blue female Matoran was standing. I turned to face her, and waved.
you'veDelving into story structure and plot, this has the potential for a massive setup. I'm mostly speculating with a lot at this point, but I suspect the Watchers will be a major player in this epic. Whether or not your "City" remains terribly important, it's hard to tell. You didn't give me a lot of detail to work with, which suggests it's a temporary venue your protagonist will depart soon, perhaps to explore other regions of Ornak Nui. Of course I could be entirely wrong too. Again, not a lot to work with right now. All I can say is that I agree with Eponine's notion that your description of the City thus far seems to be a tad inconsistent.All in all, you're off to a promising start. There wasn't much in terms of characterization or dialogue due to the small size of the opening chapter, so I can't really go into some of my usual critiquing specifics there. As I said before, there's not enough to make any real thoughts about the direction of things just yet. Keep at it, Oniaku.-Ced
you got to wait!"
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